Life is once again good, so thankful . . . November 14, 2011

Well, I am entering into this season of thankfulness with a real heart of gratitude as we have had a good week or so of being back to "normal."  Life has flowed along relatively easily, our family is working together and enjoying each other, and I'm happy to report that there is no major trauma going on in our lives.  Thank you Lord!  And I'm so thankful to those of you who are praying for us . . it truly means more than words can say!!!

There are so many times when I am truly thankful that Aleeya is 11 and able to communicate well with us. We are able to work through difficulties much easier as we talk and figure each other out.  We are very honest and talk often about our needs.  She can tell me if she's frustrated or hurting, and I can tell her if I'm needing her to work on some areas to help our family function well.  We are doing better working together on homework and she doesn't seem near as frustrated, especially since getting that honor roll certificate and a free shaved ice!  And I keep reminding her how smart she is and how capable she is to learn.  It's kinda funny that we do some things to help her learn (things that really help all of the kids) that she doesn't even realize . . . like listening to books in the car sometimes, or even watching "Little House on the Prairie" together.  It helps teach the meaning of words and how people relate and work through difficulties.  And she still really loves our family times with God each night . . . I'm amazed at her growth and faith!

This week I did realize that we are having some sibling stuff happening that needed to be addressed.  You see, when Aleeya first joined our family, I was so thankful to have three other kids that knew our family dynamics inside and out.  They were all old enough to know and share "what we do" and "what we don't do."  And at first, that was really helpful . . kinda like positive peer pressure.  We encouraged them to nicely help Aleeya to know how to live in our home.  But now, she's settled in and knows how things work.  And, I could tell she was pretty much over being told what to do.  As well, the younger two weren't saying things as nicely as at first and often would act as though she should definitely know by now.  On the other hand, Aleeya was feeling quite comfortable and was telling Ashley what to do a little more than she should with a little tattle-taling mixed in as well.  And Ashley was not crazy about that . . . yet another person telling her what to do!  So . . . both sides were addressed and they all agreed that it was happening and needed to stop.  I reminded them that we are family, and family will be together forever.  I reminded them that we are on the same team and should show lots of love to one another.  We also talked about the Golden Rule (Do unto others what you would have them do unto you), and that they should only come "tell" on someone if they are going to get hurt or if they have truly tried to work it out with them first and the person isn't willing to help.  And there are still times that they can encourage their siblings to do the right thing, but it should come out encouraging, not demeaning and trying to be in charge.  It's amazing how these issues creep in so quickly!

I've also noticed that since we worked through some issues, our level of intimacy has grown and Aleeya is free to talk and share and be herself once again!  She has asked for help with things and wanted to be parented.  As a mom of a girl, I realize that this is so needed, and I feel blessed and thankful that God is opening up these doors of relationship for us!

While life is currently good, I realize that we are still in transition and there are many events and issues for us to face.  One that is right around the corner is our court date on this Thursday, November 17th at 9am.  There is actually a chance that Aleeya may not want to go at this point, but the date has not arrived yet and so we remain waiting for the day.  Please pray for God's hand to be strong in leading us through this time.  He has done some pretty amazing things this past couple of weeks, and we are in awe!  I will blog about those details soon, but for now, we are thankful for each prayer offered on our behalf!  We serve a great God who is our Father and know what's best for us!  Looking forward to sharing how God shows up in our lives this week!

Major Breakthrough, Continuing to Trust

Psalm 56: 3, 10-12
"When I am afraid, I will trust in you.
In God, whose word I praise, in the Lord, whose word I praise-
in God I trust; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?
I am under vows to you, O God; I will present my thank offerings to you."

God has given us a victory this past week, and so there is reason to celebrate what He has done!  While I don't really want to share all the details, we saw great victory as we were able to talk with Aleeya about her fears and have her be truthful with us.  And we saw a return to peace within our home and within her life.  It was like a weight was lifted from all of us.  I am so thankful!

I am finding that there is so much to learn about raising a child that I have not known for eleven years.  I so wish that I had known her for her whole life, and I wish that so much of this didn't feel new every day, for her or for us.  But this is the path God has chosen for us, so we are asking for daily wisdom.  I know that there is much good happening in her life, and I am seeing the security build and the bonding happening.  And for that, I am thankful!

Last week especially, I found myself questioning my parenting style with her and wondering if I was doing it right for her.  I talked with a wonderful friend who has done social work with eleven year olds that encouraged me that it was ok, and to maybe try to focus on a couple of things at a time.  This allowed me to return to peace and not stress as much over all the details, which was great.  Yet it is hard to know which areas to focus on and what to let go . . . character issues, behaviors, school work, relationships?  Somehow they all seem to intertwine a bit and some may be fine for weeks and then come up again.  So, I am trying to learn to read her needs and work a little bit at a time and just show her love throughout it all.  I'm pretty sure I won't do it all right (and am accepting that "that's ok"), so I'm just going to give it my best shot and trust God for the results in all of this little by little.

I continue to struggle as I want to be fair and be sure I am doing right by all our children.  Are they all feeling love?  Do they get enough of my time?  Do I seem frustrated with them?  Am I treating each of them the same if they do well?  Am I treating each of them the same if they mess up?  While so much of me says to treat Aleeya like the rest of our children, that doesn't seem to work out so well.  So, I'm muddling through this as well.  I'm longing to be fair and to be loving and kind.  It's a little more difficult than I thought!

And then there's this little guilt that continues to come up, and I know it's from Satan, that makes me think I should be doing more.  I'm not currently working outside the home, and our finances show that it would be helpful for me to get going.  I'm not currently serving in a ministry at church, and I have always felt that is something that every church member should do and enjoy (and I have in the past).  Yet I feel no peace with starting myself going in either of these directions right now.  Currently, it seems that having a new child in our home is my full time job and ministry.  I do look forward to getting back into parenting ministry when God allows and would love to help our budget, but I need to trust that God has this time for me right now.

Each day I sense God asking me to trust Him completely . . . with my fears, with our finances, with our future.  And each new day that I awake with underlying fears and concerns,  I am taking them to Him and asking for His greatness to be shown in my weakness.  I am begging for Him to increase my faith and know that He is God and will show Himself strong on our behalf.

And so . . . we are so thankful for the breakthrough God gave us and continuing to trust that He will lead us and guide us through whatever comes our way.

Hard Times, Special Times . . . October 30, 2011

Habakkuk 3:17,18
"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior."

While we did have a reprieve for about a week, where things seemed to be getting better, we are continuing through a season of difficult times, difficult behavior and attitudes.  Our adoption agency had taught us about many of these things, but it feels a little different somehow . . . probably because she's eleven and did so well for the first couple of months (so we know she's capable), probably because we feel like we are giving her every opportunity to do right and trying to teach and train . . . probably because the "honeymoon" is over.  But we have to remember that so much of this is "normal" for her and that we haven't had her for the past eleven years to teach, train, and love.  And we don't understand her past experiences and how that shapes her today.  So, we are seeking advice and trying to learn how to handle the things we are facing, and we are praying for God's wisdom each day.  Our social worker has encouraged us that this is usually the bottom point and that we have most likely seen the worst, that we aren't likely to see new behaviors pop up.  But he's also warned us that the upcoming court date (November 17th) would likely be a difficult time as well.  I have to say that I find myself tensing up a bit as this month draws to an end, and November is right around the corner.  As much as I thought I was ok with it, I know the reality is that it will be very hard to face that day.  I'm also really thankful that we are heading into the special times of Thanksgiving and Christmas as this time of year brings a special joy in our home.

As well, we have had some "special times" together lately.  A couple of weeks ago, I took all the kids back to where Aleeya had lived to meet up with her best friend.  I knew that she missed him, and I had promised that we would go visit when possible.  So, we took a Saturday and made it a day trip.  We tried to get a hold of a couple of other girlfriends of hers, but they weren't able to make it.  So, I picked up her best bud, and we went to a nearby park.  The kids all seemed to have fun together, and I was glad we did it.  It was somewhat of a difficult day for me, mainly because the drive back to where we used to visit her just brings so many emotions.  On our way home, we told her about how hard it was to drive home without her and the kids mentioned how quiet our van was on the way home.  She asked why, and we told her it was hard to leave her each time.  She smiled and I think it made her feel special and loved inside.

As well, I took her on a "Woman to Woman" trip.  This is a trip Scott did with the boys (except it was called a "Man to Man" trip, of course) when they were eleven to talk to them about what it means to grow up and become a man.  Each trip has been a couple of days that was tailored to that child's interests.  On my trip with Aleeya, I thought it would be neat to travel to San Diego and take her to Sea World.  She loves Orca whales and had never been to Sea World.  Plus, on the way down there, I wanted to show her where we used to live in So Cal and where many of our memories have been made.  We went to our favorite restaurant there, and she loved it.  During the trip, we listened to James Dobson's series on "Preparing for Adolescence," which talks about conformity, inferiority, how your body changes and grows during those years, the meaning of love, and finding your identity.  It is a great series and really helps pre-adolescent kids to be ready for the upcoming years in their life.  We spent a couple of nights with some friends that lived down there, and visited one of my best friends on the way home.  We had lots of time to talk on our trip, and one of the neatest times was when she asked me questions about God for about an hour straight.  She seemed to really enjoy Sea World, and we got to feed and pet some dolphins which was really fun for both of us!  That day at Sea World marked a special date - we have now had her for 3 months.  My goal in all of this was to spend some special time with her, help her feel loved and special, prepare her for her future years as a teenager, and just be with her for some special quality time.

While I believe that much of that happened, we also had quite a few difficult times together.  Behavior and attitudes were not what I expected.  When we arrived home, I felt frustrated and sad.  I realized that I need some help in learning to parent her.  I tend to be straight up about my feelings and anything that concerns me with my children, so we had some talks about stuff, but I wasn't sure I was coming at things the right way.  So, I'm seeking the help needed, and trying to learn how to understand her and help her in the best way possible.  We've continued with some difficult times since we've been home, and at times, I found myself feeling defeated and wanting to hide.  Yet God gives me extra strength to confront it, be her parent, and I ask Him for an extra dose of His love to flow through me to her (even when I don't feel like it).  I've gone through feelings of guilt when I don't really want to be around her, feelings that I'm not able to do this, feelings of fear as I realize that she may always have these characteristics and I may not be able to get through to her, etc.  And then I remember that God clearly told us that we were to adopt, that she was the one, and that He is our Shelter, our Refuge, and He is faithful.  We don't need to fear, for He is with us (Psalm 91).  His Word is truly what gives me hope and security during times when I'm not sure what to do or how to handle life.  And I remember that though things may look bleak, yet I will rejoice in God my Savior!  He has done great things for us!

So . . . I'd like to ask for your continued prayers during this time.  Only God is able to help us, and He is quite capable!  Thanks for your love and support - it really does help.

A Couple of Weeks . . . October 12, 2011

Not really sure how to start this one, but it has been "a couple of weeks."  I'm not sure why I haven't blogged except to say that I kinda wait for it to feel like I need to before I sit down and start typing.  And there are times when things are happening so quickly and I don't have time to make sense of it all, so I wait . . . hoping it will all come together.  Not saying that it has all come together, but I'm at a point where it's time to type.  So . . . here goes.

I guess it's been about 3 weeks since I last posted.  I remember thinking that first week that there was nothing to report.  It had been such a normal, peaceful time for our family and life felt pretty good.  Now, looking back, I think I should have basked in the beauty of that time and mentioned what an amazing thing it was!

The past two weeks have not quite proved to be the same.  While none of this is meant to complain or feel sorry for myself, it has been a difficult two weeks.  Scott went away for a week with our son Alec to 6th grade science camp.  They had a great time together making awesome memories, and I'm so glad he went.  But I hadn't thought through how that might change our family dynamics for the week.  I was a single mom to three kids, one of whom is still transitioning.  And for her, our family structure means a ton!  Imagine that!  There is absolutely no way I could do this adoption without Scott, and his presence just brings so much to each day!  It also happened to be the week that we had our social workers come for a visit - how fun!  Things actually seemed ok until that Tuesday.  Somehow, since that visit, things have been a little rough.

During that visit, we learned that Aleeya does want to go to an event that may bring more difficult times our way.  This gets a little confusing, but we need your prayers for this date, so I'll try to explain.  At our first visit with her social worker about a month earlier, we learned that because Aleeya is 11 yrs. old (over 10 is the age), she has the right to attend the .26 hearing.  This is a hearing that will terminate her parents rights and free her to be adopted legally.  We had no idea that this would even be an option (we were looking for a 4-8 yr. old originally, so nobody mentioned it).  I remember being caught by surprise and wanting to fight the idea at first, but I listened and tried to remain calm as the social worker told us that she was talking to Aleeya about it to see if she wanted to go.  Later, I realized how normal it would be for her to want to go - her mom would be there most likely and she could see her again.  She hasn't seen her since March and thought that would be the last time.  After some time to process, God began to help me to see that this could be a good thing for me to be able to go through with her.  A time where I could better understand her life and history.  A time where I could be there to comfort her as needed.  So, Scott and I began to pray for His will.

During this visit, with Scott gone, her social worker told me that she does want to attend.  And while it wasn't shocking news, it was still something that moved me.  That night, she wanted to talk for awhile.  I had said something that upset her, and she needed to let me know.  It was something that I in no way meant to hurt her, but it did.  I realized how sensitive she is to certain subjects, and asked for her forgiveness.  She also asked me some really amazing questions - "would you still want to adopt me if I was bad?"  And she started another questions with - "ok, mom this is totally not true or anything, but what if I didn't like God or going to church, would you still adopt me?"  Wow, she had been thinking!  I told her yes for both cases, that we had prayed and asked God to show us our girl, and He had been clear.  I told her that she would have some tough consequences if she was bad, that we would be sad if she didn't love God, and that she would still go to church with us even if she didn't like it.  She then said "but I'm glad we're Christians!," which is so evident in her life.  And the amount of times she's been so excited before and after going to church is pretty overwhelming!  Still, it was pretty amazing that she was asking these questions.  We also talked about the upcoming court date (November 17th), and I asked her how she felt about it.  She said she was excited to get to see her mom and see if she's changed any.  I told her it might be a good day and a hard day all together, and after I explained, she agreed.

Throughout that week, we began to "bump heads" a lot.  Nothing awful and no major arguing or anything.  We just weren't getting along as well, and some of her behavior seemed out of sorts, and we've had to talk through a few things.  Could have been because Scott was gone, could have been because she's realizing she will see her mom again, could have been totally normal 5th grade girl stuff, could have been because I was tired with Scott gone!  Most likely, a combination of it all!  But it has kinda continued since then.  Things became lots better once Scott came home, but it's still there.  I've talked with her about it, and she was kind and listened, but something is just there.  Not sure it it's a bit of a power struggle, or her just testing me and my love for her?

So, I've felt a little more overwhelmed and tired than usual.  The social workers came back for a visit yesterday, and our social worker reminded me that usually we will see the toughest times during the second and third month and that this is normal and we are actually doing great!  He also said that the court date will probably be another bump in the road.  And while I know things are fine and God is good and completely in control, I'm also quite sure that I'm not strong enough to do all of this.  So many fears come into my head and I wonder about now and the future.  I know that fear comes only from Satan, and God reminds me that He's been with us all along showing us that this is His will and He will stay with us no matter what!

I keep hearing a song on the radio that has been a great encouragement.  It's a song by Matthew West that says:

"You must, you must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me, forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more that I can do . . . on my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up, I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough, strong enough for the both of us

Cause I'm broken, down to nothing
but I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God and you are strong
When I am week

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be . . Strong enough . . Strong enough"

So thankful for how music and His Word daily ministers to me.  And this has stirred up my desire to really seek God with my whole heart and ask for His wisdom!  He has led me to draw closer to Him and spend more time with Him, and it is a good thing!

So, we continue in our journey.  Our days are still filled with lots of homework to do together - she's catching up on missed time with a mom to help her learn.  As well, we have started reading a book together for her monthly book report to help her better understand some wording since she struggled with the last book she read.  I'm pretty sure that there are many words that she is not understanding - she can read them really well, but possibly due to learning two languages up until she was 8 and probably not learning the English that we all know so well, we are reading together so I can try to explain as we go.  And the really amazing thing (I think) is that somehow the past two books she's picked for her book reports are about foster/adopted kids.  It's really wild because we didn't go looking for them and didn't even spend much time in the library getting them, they just looked good and we checked them out!  It was after she started reading them that we realized.  Thankfully, the one she has now is a Christian based book and this girl just happens into a Christian family.  Coincidence?  I doubt it.  I often feel bad for her having to spend so much time working on homework, but she perseveres pretty well most days and often thanks me for helping.  We have days when I can tell she is "so done," but when she brings home those good grades, the smile tells me it's all worth it!

There are days when I remember how easy it was just having three, but I can't imagine life without her!  Even through the struggles, I watch her and realize I'm quite in love with this girl!  Please keep praying for us as we learn and grow together, and especially for our November 17th day that God would be with us and show Himself strong in all of it!  Thanks so much!

Tears came to our home this week . . . September 21, 2011

This past week has kinda been one that we've been waiting for or at least wondering if it would come to our family.  It showed up without warning and yet, it actually ended up being a really good, healthy thing.

Before I blog about that, there is something that is kinda frustrating to me, especially this week.  I find that when you are a child that has been in the foster care system, there are constant reminders that you're not like the "other kids."  Sometimes this comes just by looking around you and seeing that everyone else has "always been with their birth parents."  Sometimes it's because your skin color is different from your new family.  Sometimes it's because it's just hard to figure out what your family is talking about because they have always been together and have history and understand those short phrases that they always say to each other.  I see these types of things pop up a lot with Aleeya.

But then there are other outside things that bring up the fact that they are not like the other kids.  Like every time a social worker visits our home for their monthly visit to check on her and on us.  Or when there are the friends who ask her questions about how she is doing with her new family, and then want to know more about her past.  These are things Aleeya deals with and yet keeps a smile on her face through most of it.  I'm going through a lot of it with her, and think it really stinks sometimes.  It seems to be part of the deal.  Thankfully, we have a lot of love to give her and a great God to help us through it.

In all of this, our goal is to let her feel as "normal" and part of our family as possible!  This past week we got to celebrate Aleeya because of a great accomplishment at school.  She had been struggling and working really hard in Math.  And while I can help her with and explain her homework to her, I can't help on the tests.  I pulled up her grades online one day to see how she was doing, and there it was!  A "90" on her Math Test!!!  I was so excited!!!  I emailed her teacher and began the celebration.  That night I decided that we would definitely be celebrating together!  First, we looked at the paper and I told her how proud I was of her and how "she can do Math!" (belief is part of the battle).  Then, we put the test on the fridge (something I don't think she's ever had the privilege of doing), and then she got to pick what kind of cake she wanted me to make that night for dessert.  Her response was, "I've never had a family celebrate for me."  This was a good thing that was happening!  And by the way, we not have 3 of Aleeya's papers covering the fridge (2 of them she put up just today)!

Well, this week we finally had some tears come to our home.  It's actually a kinda strange thought that I've never seen my daughter cry.  It ended up being a bit of a special time, but it was hard as well.  During our family time with God at night, she looked a little sad.  I wasn't sure what was bothering her, but thought it might be stuff with friends or just being tired.  After prayer, she told me she needed to talk to me.  So . . we went and sat on my bed and she began to cry.  She said that Ashley had asked her about some things, basically seeing if we measured up to her birth family (gotta love that girl).  And while Aleeya said what she asked was fine, it made her think about her birth family.  She talked about missing some of her family and about some of her past.  She said that although she knows we wouldn't ever do it, she sometimes has dreams about us giving her to another family.  She told me some pretty personal, hard stuff and held on and cried.  I listened, hugged, and prayed with her and assured her that we prayed for her so long and that God had given her to us to keep forever!  It was a special time of bonding that lasted for about 45 minutes.  When I felt like she was pretty much finished (for now), I told her she probably needed to get some rest.  So, after some good tissue blowing and a really great big daddy hug (since he just happened to walk in the room right as we were heading out), I followed her into her bedroom and made sure she settled in ok.  The next day, I could see some of the sadness holding on, and I tried to be sensitive while encouraging her that it would be ok.  We talked some more that evening briefly, and that night she asked if we could talk and pray together more often (like every night).  I told her I would be willing whenever she needed it, but that we couldn't always stay up late.  That night we prayed together again, and it really seemed to help.  Since then, we've been able to talk more openly about some stuff, and she seems to be doing better.  It was really healthy to know that she could be open with me, that she trusted that I could help her, and for me to understand the things she's dealing with on the insides.  I found it was really good that this took awhile to come out, as I know her better now and know the girl she is each day.  It made it easier to hear and understand what she had to say.

I'm finding as time goes by, it is easier to treat her like "one of my own."  To tell her things like:  you need to re-make your bed, or go blow your nose, or please don't drag your feet when you are wearing your flip flops.  I think this is a healthy thing as well.  She takes it all so well, and we joke around quite a bit to make it easier, but at times, it's still just weird to expect things from her like I do all our other kids.  I often want to give her a break (and many times I do), but this too is part of being treated as "normal."

Oh yeah, and I did some research and the "baby dragonfly" (picture to the right) that we thought we saw last week.  It is actually a damselfly, not a baby.  Dragonflies and damselflies don't get their wings until the end of their life, so they are full grown at that point.  Also, we found a dragonfly on the ground as we were riding bikes this week, and of course we somehow had to bring it home.  So Ashley got it onto a stick and put in in the bag I was carrying (yes, I was a little freaked out).  But it didn't seem to be able to fly when we got it, so I hoped it would stay put and not get squished on our way home.  It made it home alive and we kept it overnight.  The girls wanted it as a pet, but I was pretty sure it was in the process of dying.  By the morning, it was very still and had died, but still pretty cool to look at.  Yet another dragonfly experience!  Currently, we have a praying mantice living at our home that the girls are loving!  I think it's praying for deliverance :)!

One other note . . if you are reading this blog and happen to see us, just wanted to let you all know (as nicely as possible) that Aleeya is not currently reading this blog, so if you could not mention to her that you are reading it, that would be great.  It's mainly to help us remember this special time in our life, the transition, to help others who may be thinking about adoption, and for her to read later in her life to see how God's faithfulness has been with her all along.  Thanks and blessings :)!

Really, Really Great Days - Sad Moments . . . September 14, 2010

I really, really wanted to just write a fun, upbeat, happy :) post full of all great things this time.  I've felt like the last few posts talked of being tired too often, or of the difficult times learning to adjust to our "new normal."  And while this post will have tons of GREAT stuff, I have to keep it real.  There are moments when things hit me out of the blue and make me sad.  So, that will be included as well.

Here are all the amazing things that happened this week:

We finally got a new license plate frame :).  On our van, I have had a frame on my license plate that read "I love my Triple A's" for a really long time.  We knew that needed to go as we began this process, and were really happy a friend of ours (that also happen to have three kids with "A" names) could use it.  But, we have been trying to get a new one made at our mall for months, and the machine has been down.  They finally fixed the machine, and our new frame proudly displays
"Butler Bunch - WE ARE FAMILY!"  (Yes, we do occasionally break out in song).
She noticed it and likes it lots!

This made my heart happy!

Also , Aleeya came home from Club 56 Wednesday night happy as I've ever seen her asking if she could go to church every day!  Club 56 just started up for the school year on Wednesday nights, and they do small groups where they get together and discuss the Bible and life.  She got paired with a couple of friends and made a couple of new ones and clearly, really loves it!

This made my heart happy!

A cool thing that happened this weekend was that Aleeya spotted a baby dragonfly in our backyard.  As most of you know, dragonflies has been some sort of theme for our adoption.  I'm working on coming up with a blog about "lessons learned from the dragonfly."  We see literally tons of them pretty much every day (and I've probably only noticed like 5 or 6 in my entire life up until now), and the kids notice them a lot now too.  Well, one of the kids came upstairs and said Aleeya needed me outside.  I was in the middle of doing stuff and asked if it was important, but didn't get much of a response.  I headed down, and she was fine.  Thankfully, I didn't get upset for being interrupted as she showed me a baby dragonfly she had found.  It was sitting still on the top of our rose tree for all of us to examine.  I even went into the house to get my camera, and when I came out, it was still there so I could get a picture (check it out to the right).  She too has realized that dragonflies have meant something to us and we've kinda explained it to her, so it was cool that she saw a baby.

This made my heart happy!

This may sound kinda funny, but I got my first kiss!  When Aleeya first came to be a part of our family, I remember wondering how we would do our "normal" night time routine.  We have always done our quiet time and then hugged and kissed each of the kids before bed.  At first, I wasn't sure what to do!  I remember just giving her a short hug at first.  Soon after, I noticed that she would be sure she was in a place where she could get a good hug (like she wouldn't get in bed until after hugs).  As time moved on, we got really long good hugs, much longer than any of our other kids!  I'm pretty sure we were making up for lost time :)!  All this time in the back of my mind though, I wondered how she felt as we kissed each of the other three.  I wondered if she wanted a kiss, but wasn't sure how to ask that (that would be awkward) and didn't want to push it on her or make her feel uncomfortable.  In the past few weeks, we have become way more relaxed and after our long hugs, I would gently take her face into my hands and kiss her on her sweet, soft cheek.  She never seemed to mind, so I continued.  Well, the other night after doing just that, she came back and kissed me on my cheek as well.  It was so sweet and cute, and she jumped in bed looking at me like, "Was that ok?"  I reassured her with a happy face and telling her I loved her.  The next night, she gave me a quick kiss as well closer to my lips, and last night, I got a kiss on my lips just like all our kids do each night!  Yup, I guess she was ready for more closeness.  It's funny because I've always just kissed each of my kids as babies and continued from there - it was always so natural.  I've never had to start this process at age 11!

This made my heart really happy (and I think it did hers too)!

Since I gotta be real, there was a tough day this week.  As most of you know, we have been told that at around 6 weeks, we would likely experience some tough times, so . . we've . . been . . waiting.  Well, this week went by so incredibly well that I figured we would have to wait for our "tough times" to come later, and that still may be the case.  But, we did have one sad moment that hit me out of nowhere!  This is usually how it happens.  Things are moving along normally, and than "BLAM!"

I had taken her to her first real horse lesson (we had one prior special lesson for the teacher to get to know her), and on our way home, she asked me when we might go back to her old stables to visit.  I told her that we would have to see when they might be having a special event and that they were supposed to email me when those came up.  But I mentioned that those stables are quite a distance away, so we would have to see.  Then, she asked about calling a friend from where she used to live, and I told her sure, she could call.  Then she talked about wanting to visit, and maybe trying to go to a talent show at her old school that her friend had told her about, and then, she wanted to be in the talent show.  While this may not seem like a big deal, it somehow cut at my heart and made me feel so sad!  It made me feel like she loved them more than us and that she wasn't adapting as well as I thought . . that somehow we weren't good enough . . and I felt sad and jealous and hurt.  While this was in no way a HUGE deal compared to what this week could have held, it was still one of those moments that was hard.  These were all things that I was totally fine with the first couple of weeks (sure we could visit her old horse stables and friends), but I have grown attached.  And now, the trip back to where she used to live is one that would be hard for me to make emotionally.

I had forgotten that she's only been with us for like 6-7 weeks, and that it's normal to miss good friends, and that it's actually really good she has some close friends like this, and that I too have moved and remember missing my friends so badly!  At the same time, I had to figure out what the boundaries of this should look like -
how often should she talk with her friends from where she used to live?
how often should we visit (or even should we)?
how do I encourage her to grow in friendships here instead?
We did talk through some of that and she understood that too much time focussing on where she used to live will only make it harder to settle in to her new life.  Yet, thankfully, I could totally relate to her missing friends since I've moved quite a few times.  This is something we will still be working through, but we'll get there!  These are things that she probably feels too as we talk about our past . . a past that didn't include her.  This is some of the "tough stuff."

This made my heart sad.

Before I finish, I wanted to give a few "fun" notes, things that I want to remember as a "new mom!"  Aleeya and I have laughed over these quite a few times, and done that "Remember when . . ?" thing.

Once, when we went shopping together at the mall, we stopped into Bath & Body to get a couple of things.  I wanted to get those room sprays, and went back to the counter to pick which ones I liked.  Well, she took the spray and very casually took off the top and sprayed it on her wrist!!!  It was so cute!  I looked at her and said, "oh no sweetie, that's a room spray" and she laughed so hard!

This past week, as I came down one morning, she was eating her favorite cereal, Cocoa Pebbles.  She was kinda making a face and said, "this milk doesn't taste very good."  I was pretty sure we didn't have any past due milk and asked her about it.  Then she said, "Oh, I got it from the cardboard carton."  Then I realized she had used Scott's half and half (for his coffee).  Poor thing - yuk!  She went ahead and got a new bowl of cereal with some good milk!

And God encouraged me in a great way this past Sunday at church.  I've been feeling really tired lately, more than usual.  I guess it's adjusting to our family with four kids, doing more homework than usual, and learning to think ahead and stuff.  Anyhow, I hate feeling tired and like to have lots of energy.  As we began singing "Everlasting God," a song by Lincoln Brewster, I was struck by a couple of lines that I have sung tons of times.  I sang,

"You do not faint, You won't grow weary."

So thankful to serve a God that never gets tired or weary and can give me His great strength!  I'm definitely depending on it through the really great days, as well as the sad moments!  God has blessed us with way more "ups" than "downs," and I really am so thankful!

Things I've Learned Lately . . . September 6, 2011

After all the excitement of Aleeya accepting Jesus into her life last weekend, it felt like we were under attack this past week.  It seems when good is present, evil is right there as well trying to win the battle.  I kinda knew it would happen, but wasn't expecting it in the way it came.  Aleeya had a great week, but a couple of our other kids struggled with stuff this week.  So thankful we have a God who keeps loving and forgiving and helping us through our "stuff."

One thing I've really found lately is that "I'm tired!"  I guess there is an underlying stress with all that we are doing - you know - adopting, getting used to having another child, trying to be great parents to all four of them.  There's tons of excitement with it all, yet much exhaustion as well.  When there's a new family member, everyone is trying to be extra kind and figure out how to work through stuff.  The things that you would normally say to your child sound a little rough around the edges when you say them to or in front of a child that doesn't know you very well.  So, everything is guarded, and in some ways, this actually makes us better parents / better people.  I feel like we've been more loving, kinder in our words, and more understanding.  We've really learned to think before we speak and ask God to guide our words and attitudes.  And when we need to correct, we do it with kinder words and faces (most of the time).  As well, I try to be sure everything is done by the time they arrive home from school each day so I can really "be there" and be ready to help with homework or whatever comes up; and believe me, I stay busy for most of the evening!  One other thing is that we really work hard to have as much "family time" as possible and get our family quiet time with God in every night.  It seems more important now than ever!  These are some of the things that add to our life and make me feel a little more "tired."  So much like having a new baby all over again :).

But by the end of this week, I was ready to blow!  We've been planning to paint the girls room since Aleeya came, but had to find a good weekend to do it.  When we first met her and she said her favorite color was blue, I quickly realized that our beautiful pink room wasn't going to work out.  And since Ashley's new favorite color was green, it seemed like a good idea to change their room to blue and green.  Since this weekend had an extra day in it due to Labor Day, we decided to take on the extra project.  I've found that I have to be really geared up for the weekends since Scott is gone most of the time at work and I have the kids by myself.  Well, adding a major painting project to the deal didn't help my need for extra patience and extra love.  And on top of it all, I wanted it to be "fun!"  So, I let the kids paint with me . . . some.  They all got a chance to help with the first coat, and then I finished up the second.  All this meant that their toys and furniture were in the hallway and the game room (which is right outside of our room), and I don't do well with things being disorganized.  And then on Monday, when all I really wanted to do was have a jammie day and hang out, we needed to get the room back to normal and get things finished up.  By mid-Monday, I could feel the tensions rising in me.  The kids were leaving lots of things around the house, and I just wanted everything to be picked up.  After feeling like I was about to burst out into tears about five different times, I finally went into my room to lay down on my bed with our dog (he has a calming effect on me).  At that point, I was talking to God and saying I didn't know what to do with all of my frustration.  He then gently reminded me that I was supposed to bring them to Him and He would help.  I rested for a short while, and awoke with a fresh sense of purpose and ability, knowing that God would continue to be my strength.  I'm needing to lean on Him more and more - gotta remember that!!

Oh yeah, wanted to let you all know that we officially hit the 6 week mark.  This is the point where our social worker said that we should see some things surface - behaviors, grief, anger - things like that.  While we know it's still possible up until like 3 months, so far what we have are some more precious notes to tell us she loved us on Friday after school and her exclaiming that "I love my family" on a ride home this Sunday evening (our six week anniversary).  So, for now, we're going to praise God for all the good and enjoy the moment!!!!

I've also learned that we will have different expectations for her for school.  With our other three kids who have been trained early on about how to do homework, how to study, and how to learn, we have pretty high expectations of how they should do in school.  We are still learning what Aleeya's abilities are and finding that she is very bright and willing to learn . . . something I am so thankful for and really wanted in our child.  It's amazing watching her learn and desire to learn, but my expectations for her are what she can do!  I have a pretty big perfectionistic side of me, so I'm amazed to see how God is giving me grace and understanding in all of this.  But I really just want to see her learn and enjoy school and do HER best.  It's a really neat experience and we are so proud of her already!

One of the major things I've learned this week is "what people want to hear."  While I have a couple of close friends that understand and really are willing to hear how life is really going, most just want to hear that everything is going great!!  When they ask how she's doing or how our family is doing, they just want to hear - "AWESOME!"  And I kinda get it, we prayed really hard for this and really wanted her to come to our home quickly, and they are so happy for us.  And I guess they think she's been through a lot, so we should all just be happy and accept anything not going just the way we hoped.  But I gotta say, that life is not always great, awesome, and perfect.  And it's ok.  I'm learning to have boundaries on what I say and that most people can't bear to hear that it's been a rough day or week (even if it's not awful, just trying or something).  And believe me, we have had it really good compared to many I'm sure!!!  But there are still things that we are working through with Aleeya, as well as our other three children each day and there always will be!  I've always been really open and honest about how life is going in our family, and like to put things out there for people to help or just to say things out loud so I can work through it.  I'm finding that this is not always appropriate and I need to keep more stuff to myself.  For now, I think my normal response will be - "Things are going really well, thanks!  There are some adjustments, but we are blessed."  It is true, and God will give me the wisdom to work through the adjustments as they come.  I'm thankful for that handful of friends/advisors He has put around me, and so appreciate their understanding and care.  God knows what we need and I'll keep learning!