Our First Thanksgiving Together . . . December 9, 2011

We tried to go into our first Thanksgiving together with happiness and excitement, yet wondered if she would feel the same or if it might be difficult to go through the holidays.  I didn't know what to expect exactly, but really wanted her to experience our traditions and wanted to care about any traditions she might have as well.  One way we did this was by asking if there were certain things she would like to have at our Thanksgiving dinner (feast) - turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, creamed corn, homemade apple sauce, fresh green beans, green bean casserole (because too many like that too), cranberries, rolls, etc - basically a ridiculous amount of food for one family, but great for lots of leftovers.  She said raspberries, which was a first for me, and yams.  I then proceeded to ask her how she liked the yams; you know - baked, candied, with marshmallows on top, etc.  She surprised me on this one too and said they were like french fries.  So, I went shopping and was quite surprised and happy to find those in the frozen section!  We added them to the list.  While the raspberries will probably stay each year, the "sweet potato french fries" didn't seem like that great of a hit so we may toss that one?

The other three kids kept telling her how much fun this weekend would be - Thanksgiving day with the feast and movie night with friends, followed by putting up Christmas decorations the next day.  They love it!  Well, Thanksgiving morning came and we had a nice breakfast and then we all watched some of the parade, mixed with lots of football as we cooked.  The strange thing was that we kept looking for Aleeya.  She is normally hanging with us, but we kept finding her in her room reading a book.  She had been reading more than usual lately, but this seemed a little strange on Thanksgiving Day.  I didn't want her to feel like it was wrong to want to be alone, and wanted her to have the freedom to do that if she needed to, so I just checked on her in between cooking.  I felt kinda bad that I was so busy cooking, but wasn't sure how to handle it.  Finally, Austin asked where she was and I told him she was reading.  It was really cool because he said I'm going to get her so we can play some games, and he did.  It was great!  Next thing we knew they were all playing games and hanging out!

We planned to just have our family for dinner like we often do on Thanksgiving, since it's the last time off we have as a family before the all the Christmas rehearsals and performances begin (the life of a worship pastor's family).  Sometimes we invite people over, but we really wanted her to be at the table with us, and we only have six chairs around our dining room table.  We also wanted her to experience it with just family this year!  As we sat to eat, she was surprised by all the food.  Later she said that she had never had a big Thanksgiving meal like that.  We went around the table asking everyone what they were thankful for this year.  All of us mentioned having Aleeya with us in some form and she smiled sweetly.  I loved her answer because she talked about Jesus and her family.  It was a special time and I think she needed to hear how thankful we were for God bringing her to us!

Later that night, we went to the home of some great friends to watch a Christmas movie and have popcorn. She spent most of the time leaning on my shoulder and cuddling during the movie.  I am so thankful that she's not shy about needing love and just snuggles up!  I was so thankful for that down time to do just that!

The next day involved getting out all the containers of Christmas stuff we've collected over the years.  We had our Christmas music playing loudly and our santa hats on (I made sure we bought an extra this year)!  The other three kids loved showing her all the special memories, and she seemed to enjoy it.  But I felt a sadness that she had no memories in those bins.  Our kids get an ornament each year to put on the tree (something that reminds them of that year - a new sport or something they enjoy), and she didn't have an ornament.  We also do a tree with all the kids homemade ornaments, and I was SO thankful that she had recently been to a birthday party where she had made an ornament with her initial "A."  It was awesome to see that the kids had her put that ornament right in the middle of the tree!  We tried to make her feel very included and a part of the day, but I had a sadness, a loss of her past.  There were a few things she did that showed me that she felt sad as well.

While we usually have another movie night at home that night, some friends had given us tickets to go to see a hockey game.  So we put on our santa hats and off we went.  This was a great outing, especially since it was a new thing we got to do together!  She really enjoyed it and we shared lots of smiles and laughs!

That night, Scott and I decided that we needed to go out the next morning together and get our ornaments for this year!  The first one we found was hers - I saw an Orca whale and showed her, and that was it!  We also found a dragonfly and an ornament that said "Joy" (her middle name) with a bell on it for our family ornaments (Scott and me) this year.  When we put them on the tree, things seemed much more complete!  And yes, her orca is right in the middle and happens to be the most noticeable one on the tree!

Throughout the weekend, I definitely noticed some small sad patches, but overall, things went really well and I think we were all happy to have her feel a part of our family traditions.  We talked about how next year, these things will feel like her traditions as well.  I'm finding that I am really big on fairness, and so want her to feel as important as every other child in our family.  So . . . we are planning to go out after Christmas (when the really great sales hit) and look for 10 other ornaments for her to add to our tree next year (remembering her past and redeeming it)!  We are so thankful for God's goodness to us and thankful for our first Thanksgiving together!

Later, a paper came home that she had written at school about "Being Thankful."   Here are a few excerpts from our girls' heart:
"I love Jesus Christ more than anything in the world."
"I imagine Jesus being handsome, funny and nice."
"I am so thankful for Jesus Christ to forgive me for my sins and for everything bad I've done."
"I imagine Jesus and God being honest and funny."
"Remember, He's coming down here some day."
"Jesus, God and the Bible are really special to me."
"The Bible will help anybody to tell the truth."
"My family is great, they are all I can ask for."
I was amazed at her understanding and love for God and was thrilled to read her insights!  Sometimes, I think she gets it all better than I do.  Love her faith and her love for Him and for us!  Just had to share it :).

Over the past couple of weeks since Thanksgiving, Scott and I have realized that we have "our Aleeya" back!  By this I mean that the sadness is gone, the tension is gone, we don't seem to be bumping heads, and we are just enjoying our time together.  She's smiling, joyful, attentive doing homework, thanking me for helping her, and relaxed.  We still have the normal sibling stuff at times . . helping them to get along and be kind, but I'd have to say that even that is going pretty well!  She's fitting in so well, and I think we all feel more and more like a family!  What a blessing - we are going to enjoy these times!

Feelings after the Court Date . . . November 22, 2011

While Aleeya seemed to be doing great and really enjoyed her field trip on the actual court date, she seemed a little different in the days following.  Our social workers had told us that we should expect some rough times after this date.  Over the weekend, she seemed a little more tired than usual, but sometimes she is tired from her week.  One really cool thing that happened was that the day after the court date (Friday), we received our new "Family Pictures," and put them up in the frames in our living room.  There was one large one of the whole family and two 8x10's of the boys and the girls.  When she came home from school, she just kept looking at them.  We seriously caught her looking at them so often, and she would comment about how good they were.  It was neat that the day after her birth parents rights had been terminated, she could literally see herself in her new family.  We have so many family pictures throughout our home, and now we had a completed one!  While we had hoped to get them earlier, the timing of it all was pretty special.

The next two days of school, she seemed very different.  I especially remember picking her up on that Monday and Tuesday and not seeing her smiling face walking toward our van.  There was a heaviness, a sadness, and yet she seemed ok all at once (I guess that's how most of us are even when some tough stuff is going on inside).  As we worked on some math homework, she seemed to have forgotten so much of what she had been learning the past two months.  It was like there was a blocking out of that information.

Looking back, this was one of those times I wish I would have just understood and let it go.  Instead, I tried to get her to remember, to focus and stay with me.  I felt frustrated and didn't understand what was happening.  Now, I wish I would have just sat with her and read or watched a movie, or just taken a walk.  Maybe my way of getting through things is pushing along and she just needed some time.  I'm learning.

On Wednesday, there was a Thanksgiving Party at school and she seemed a little better.  I was so thankful to not have any homework that weekend and just have some good down time with the family together.  I hoped we would see our Aleeya back to her sweet, smiling self again soon.

"The Greatness of our God" - the .26 hearing . . . Nov. 20, 2011

In past blogs, I have shared about our court date for the .26 hearing.  This is the hearing where the court legally removes parental rights from Aleeya's birth family.  They had previously taken away all services from the birth family for reunification, but they don't legally remove their rights as parents until the child is in a concurrent home for adoption purposes.  Our hearing took place on Thursday, November 17th at 9am.

Originally, we had no idea that it would even be a possibility for her to have the opportunity to attend.  She had said her final "goodbye" to her mom back in March of this year before we had ever met in June.  I can't even imagine the pain she faced during that time.  Her foster family faced it with her and helped her to get through it somehow.

During her social worker's second visit to our home, she told Aleeya about this date and later casually mentioned it to Scott and I as we sat around the dining room table that it would be coming up and Aleeya was legally required to know about it (since she's over the age of 10) and could attend if she liked.  That in itself is a strange feeling for a parent . . knowing that your child is allowed to make a decision all on their own that is such a huge thing and so hard for them to have to make on their own.  Also knowing that while you want to give advice, you don't feel like you should push your opinions and feelings on her as this decision may be one that affects her life in such a major way.

At the time we heard about it, Aleeya was thinking about it.  I remember we talked about the decision that night, and she at first seemed excited to go - excited to see a court room (which Scott and I were happy to show her one here in town), excited to hear what was happening in her life (which we knew her social worker would tell us after the hearing), and excited to see her mom again and get to talk to her for a short amount of time.  I told her that it would be an exciting day, but also a sad day.  She didn't seem to understand.  Then I told her how it would be great to see her birth mom, but really hard and sad to have to leave again.  I told her that we would be there for her though and would help her through it if that's what she decided to do.

By the next month when her social worker came, Aleeya had said that she did want to go.  This was the visit where Scott was out of town with Alec at science camp for the week.  I felt the weight of it and yet had a certain peace as well.  I have gone through feelings of frustration that this would even be allowed, to feelings of fear for being known to her birth family, to feelings of being curious and wanting to go and thinking it may somehow be good for us to go through her having to see and leave her mom again, to hoping and praying that something else would come up and she would not want to go.  This last hope I had mentioned to a friend a couple of months ago and we had kinda tried to come up with something since it was close to my friend's birthday, but nothing really formed.

Well, ends up, a couple of weeks ago (Friday, November 4th), Aleeya's 5th grade class was scheduled to go on a field trip to the Calaveras Big Trees.  I was signed up to go as a driver.  But, there happened to be a snow storm coming that day (it's near the mountains), so they were going to reschedule.  Grant it, it's not super common to get a snow storm in early November here, or even rain for that matter, but still it was happening (some coincidence).  And this may seem presumptuous, but I now truly believe that God made it snow for us!  At the time, I didn't think much about it because they were looking at scheduling for the next week.  They wanted to schedule it for Thursday, November 10th since that Friday was Veteran's Day, but it ended up that there was a large school already going on that date.  And, since our school had scheduled a special meeting on Friday, November 18th to meet our new school superintendent, they opted to schedule the field trip for Thursday, November 17th (imagine that!)!  I had heard it through a friend that this was the day, but had a hard time believing it at first (where's my faith?!).  When I finally saw it in print, I about flipped!  I couldn't believe it - God had done what I had casually mentioned I wished would happen!  And while I've been praying about that date for months, I really had to leave it in His hands - I could do nothing.  He's unbelievable and truly grants the desires of our hearts!!!

So, I casually mentioned it to Aleeya . . you know, that the exciting field trip was rescheduled for the same day as court, but that it was up to her what she'd like to do.  I tried to act like it was no big deal.  She was smart and asked if she could think about it.  I told her "of course."  Then, while talking to my sister, I told her how I didn't want to influence Aleeya's decision (even though at one point Aleeya asked if I would make the decision for her if she couldn't decide - to which I said "no, I can't on this one" . . . but will be happy to on basically every other decision).  It just wasn't the right thing to do.  Plus, I had really given it completely over to God and knew that He would help us through this time (although it often felt overwhelming - the idea of it all and how it might affect her).

While talking to my sister, she gave me some awesome advice . . . she said, why don't you guys start praying about it over the next week - for God's wisdom for making the decision and for peace in it all - so Aleeya can see how God helps us make decisions and leads us.  Wow, what a revelation - of course!!!  So, we did begin praying during our family time with God.  Almost each day, Aleeya would bring it up and think about the different factors of this decision.  She would say that she wanted to go to court since there would be other field trips (a thought Alec had mentioned) and her teacher wasn't able to go on this one because of plans she had made a long time ago.  Then she would say that it would be too hard and sad to go to court.  Then Ashley mentioned how neat it would be to go to court (what was it with these kids)!  After a couple of days, she told me she was positive she wanted to go on the field trip!  The weird thing was that then I kinda felt like she should go to the court date.  I think it was just that I was all prepared by this point, and I worried that she'd later feel like she wished she could have seen her birth mom one more time.  Plus, I wanted to get a picture of them together since Aleeya didn't have any pictures of her birth mom.  Scott was still strongly feeling that she should not be at court that day; he was coming in as her "Protecter," protecting her from any harm or sadness she would face.  I didn't say anything either way, and just waited to see if this really was her final decision.

About a week before the date, a trusted friend who normally just works through things with me without a major opinion, felt very strongly that it was not a good idea for her to be at court.  She reminded me that she had already said goodbye to her birth mom, was adjusting and moving on in her new life with us, and that this would indeed be a very difficult thing for her to go through.  We both saw how God's hand had allowed this "coincidence" to happen, and that it was not a coincidence at all.  She encouraged me that it would be a really GOOD thing if Aleeya chose the field trip.  This helped bring me great peace.  I now felt like I would be ok if Aleeya chose the field trip.  I also realized that Aleeya's social worker could get a picture of her birth mom for me, and that would be great!

During all of this, my Bible reading had been the chronological reading (through the four gospels) of Jesus' death on the cross and resurrection.  I have never read it that way - using Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John and reading it all in succession.  It is amazing to read it that way, to hear each author's perception, and to get such a clear glimpse of it all.  By the time I had finished, the power of the resurrection was so real and fresh!  I could feel it!  I was so thankful to God for giving me this particular reading during this time!  I needed to know and feel His power once again - power to forgive, power to rise again, power over all the earth!

By Sunday, Aleeya began to talk about the possibility of going to court once again.  On Monday, she told me how excited she was about the field trip and couldn't wait!  And by Tuesday, she made the final decision and told her social worker that she had a very difficult decision to make, and that she had decided to go to the field trip, that it would be too sad to go to court.  Whew!  I felt so thankful and relieved!  I asked the social worker if there would be any good reason for Scott or I to be at court and she said no.  The court had already sent us a form to fill out for us to tell them how Aleeya was doing, and it was so fun to fill it out as she has really been doing so well overall!  Grades up/honor roll, getting along with siblings and friends, adjusting to her new family, loving her church group, loving horse back riding lessons, and learning piano . . and also letting them know that we'd been through some rough spots and worked through it well.

Before Aleeya's social worker arrived, I told her that if she wasn't going to court, she was welcome to write her birth mom a note.  I had three notecards sitting out for her to choose from.  She picked one that talked about God's peace and JOY filling you and she picked that out first (probably because of her middle name being in it and the fact that she wants to talk to her mom about God).  She messed up in it, and I told her I'd get her another, but then she saw the dragonfly notecards and said she'd use that one - how appropriate!  She asked if she could tell her birth mom about her name change, and I said that was fine but that she should probably explain it so her birth mom understood.  Well, she did that.  The other thing she wanted to tell her is that she was getting adopted.  This still pains me for her birth mom.  How hard that would be to hear.  She wrote "Mother" on the front of the card.  We also sent a picture of Aleeya for her social worker to give her birth mom.  There is a part of me that does want to keep up with her birth mom (not Aleeya, just me through her social worker).  My heart aches for her, and God is giving me great love for her and helping me to care for her through all of this, something I didn't know if I could do and feel.  I pray that she will truly come to know Him and experience Jesus!

Over the next couple of days, I felt a freedom and release.  I had friends high-fiving me and asking me how it was going, sending texts and messages, and praying lots for us!   On Thursday, when we were headed to the field trip, the clock said 9:00am in our van and I showed Scott!  I began praying for everything that was happening in that court room - for the judge, the lawyers, her birth parents, and her social worker.  And I realized that it had happened - this day and time had come, and we weren't in court.  GOD HAD A PLAN and HE HAD DONE IT!  Wow!!!  We enjoyed the day with her on the field trip and felt amazed by God's goodness.

She didn't have to be in a court room seeing her birth mom again, with memories coming back and possible longings to be with her again.  She didn't have to hear the court take away her birth parents' legal rights as parents.  She didn't have to say goodbye all over again.  She could just have a fun day with her friends surrounded by God's beauty, and she did just that.  We didn't sense any concern or sense of sadness that day and we thanked God!

We later got a text from our agency and a call from her social worker stating that court had taken place and parental rights were terminated.  This was a huge praise as these court dates can often get continued for something small, and that would mean another court date.  Both attorney's for the birth parents objected to rights being terminated, but the court decided.  The court was happy to hear how well she was doing and read our entire form in court.  Unfortunately, Aleeya's social worker was unable to get a picture of her birth mom because she declined, but I guess it wasn't meant to be for now.  Both birth parents still have a right to appeal, and while this won't change anything, it will take us longer to finalize the adoption (about 6 months longer as it will sit in appellate court in a stack to be denied).  It turns out that this is an easy thing for them to do, and they have appealed everything (except the out-of-town foster care paper that everyone also thought would be appealed and the birth mom signed over)!

Well, can I just say that my God has great power and is over all!  Psalm 33:10 says that "The LORD frustrates the plans of the nations and thwarts all their schemes."  If he can handle the nations, he can handle a couple of people!  In the last portion of the form we filled out for the court, they asked what our desired outcome would be.  I stated that "she is eleven and needs to be settled and belong to a family.  For her sake, we would hope that this process could be completed quickly so that she can know she is secure and safe without fear of being moved again."  My hope was to help the birth parents and the court to care for Aleeya and her needs!  We have seen huge changes in her life, and her social worker said that she is a completely different girl - outgoing and happy and secure!  So, I'm believing God for a miracle!  I'm asking Him to thwart their plan to appeal and have this adoption move more quickly.  I know He is able!  If you could, please pray with us on this!  I have decided that I completely believe He is able!  But even if He chooses not to move in the way I hope, I know that my God lives and His plan will stand!

This morning as I was singing to God, the tears finally came and they just flowed freely.  This is what I sang with arms lifted high as Austin stood beside me and my husband sang from on stage:

"The Greatness of our God" by Hillsong

Give me eyes to see more of who You are
May what I behold still my anxious heart.
Take what I have known and break it all apart
For You my God, are greater still.

No sky contains, no doubt restrains
All you are, the greatness of our God.
I spend my life to know, and I'm far from close
To all You are, the greatness of our God.

Give me grace to see beyond this moment here.
To believe that there is nothing left to fear.
That You alone are high above it all.
For You my God, are greater still.


And there is nothing that can ever separate us from Your love.
No life, no death, of this I am convinced.
You my God, are greater still.
And no words can say, or song convey,
All You are, the greatness of our God.

HE is truly GREAT and greatly to be praised.  I love that "No doubt restrains all He is!"

Thanks for going through this with us, praying, and loving us.  This was a huge week for our family, and God walked with us through it all!  Amen.

Life is once again good, so thankful . . . November 14, 2011

Well, I am entering into this season of thankfulness with a real heart of gratitude as we have had a good week or so of being back to "normal."  Life has flowed along relatively easily, our family is working together and enjoying each other, and I'm happy to report that there is no major trauma going on in our lives.  Thank you Lord!  And I'm so thankful to those of you who are praying for us . . it truly means more than words can say!!!

There are so many times when I am truly thankful that Aleeya is 11 and able to communicate well with us. We are able to work through difficulties much easier as we talk and figure each other out.  We are very honest and talk often about our needs.  She can tell me if she's frustrated or hurting, and I can tell her if I'm needing her to work on some areas to help our family function well.  We are doing better working together on homework and she doesn't seem near as frustrated, especially since getting that honor roll certificate and a free shaved ice!  And I keep reminding her how smart she is and how capable she is to learn.  It's kinda funny that we do some things to help her learn (things that really help all of the kids) that she doesn't even realize . . . like listening to books in the car sometimes, or even watching "Little House on the Prairie" together.  It helps teach the meaning of words and how people relate and work through difficulties.  And she still really loves our family times with God each night . . . I'm amazed at her growth and faith!

This week I did realize that we are having some sibling stuff happening that needed to be addressed.  You see, when Aleeya first joined our family, I was so thankful to have three other kids that knew our family dynamics inside and out.  They were all old enough to know and share "what we do" and "what we don't do."  And at first, that was really helpful . . kinda like positive peer pressure.  We encouraged them to nicely help Aleeya to know how to live in our home.  But now, she's settled in and knows how things work.  And, I could tell she was pretty much over being told what to do.  As well, the younger two weren't saying things as nicely as at first and often would act as though she should definitely know by now.  On the other hand, Aleeya was feeling quite comfortable and was telling Ashley what to do a little more than she should with a little tattle-taling mixed in as well.  And Ashley was not crazy about that . . . yet another person telling her what to do!  So . . . both sides were addressed and they all agreed that it was happening and needed to stop.  I reminded them that we are family, and family will be together forever.  I reminded them that we are on the same team and should show lots of love to one another.  We also talked about the Golden Rule (Do unto others what you would have them do unto you), and that they should only come "tell" on someone if they are going to get hurt or if they have truly tried to work it out with them first and the person isn't willing to help.  And there are still times that they can encourage their siblings to do the right thing, but it should come out encouraging, not demeaning and trying to be in charge.  It's amazing how these issues creep in so quickly!

I've also noticed that since we worked through some issues, our level of intimacy has grown and Aleeya is free to talk and share and be herself once again!  She has asked for help with things and wanted to be parented.  As a mom of a girl, I realize that this is so needed, and I feel blessed and thankful that God is opening up these doors of relationship for us!

While life is currently good, I realize that we are still in transition and there are many events and issues for us to face.  One that is right around the corner is our court date on this Thursday, November 17th at 9am.  There is actually a chance that Aleeya may not want to go at this point, but the date has not arrived yet and so we remain waiting for the day.  Please pray for God's hand to be strong in leading us through this time.  He has done some pretty amazing things this past couple of weeks, and we are in awe!  I will blog about those details soon, but for now, we are thankful for each prayer offered on our behalf!  We serve a great God who is our Father and know what's best for us!  Looking forward to sharing how God shows up in our lives this week!

Major Breakthrough, Continuing to Trust

Psalm 56: 3, 10-12
"When I am afraid, I will trust in you.
In God, whose word I praise, in the Lord, whose word I praise-
in God I trust; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?
I am under vows to you, O God; I will present my thank offerings to you."

God has given us a victory this past week, and so there is reason to celebrate what He has done!  While I don't really want to share all the details, we saw great victory as we were able to talk with Aleeya about her fears and have her be truthful with us.  And we saw a return to peace within our home and within her life.  It was like a weight was lifted from all of us.  I am so thankful!

I am finding that there is so much to learn about raising a child that I have not known for eleven years.  I so wish that I had known her for her whole life, and I wish that so much of this didn't feel new every day, for her or for us.  But this is the path God has chosen for us, so we are asking for daily wisdom.  I know that there is much good happening in her life, and I am seeing the security build and the bonding happening.  And for that, I am thankful!

Last week especially, I found myself questioning my parenting style with her and wondering if I was doing it right for her.  I talked with a wonderful friend who has done social work with eleven year olds that encouraged me that it was ok, and to maybe try to focus on a couple of things at a time.  This allowed me to return to peace and not stress as much over all the details, which was great.  Yet it is hard to know which areas to focus on and what to let go . . . character issues, behaviors, school work, relationships?  Somehow they all seem to intertwine a bit and some may be fine for weeks and then come up again.  So, I am trying to learn to read her needs and work a little bit at a time and just show her love throughout it all.  I'm pretty sure I won't do it all right (and am accepting that "that's ok"), so I'm just going to give it my best shot and trust God for the results in all of this little by little.

I continue to struggle as I want to be fair and be sure I am doing right by all our children.  Are they all feeling love?  Do they get enough of my time?  Do I seem frustrated with them?  Am I treating each of them the same if they do well?  Am I treating each of them the same if they mess up?  While so much of me says to treat Aleeya like the rest of our children, that doesn't seem to work out so well.  So, I'm muddling through this as well.  I'm longing to be fair and to be loving and kind.  It's a little more difficult than I thought!

And then there's this little guilt that continues to come up, and I know it's from Satan, that makes me think I should be doing more.  I'm not currently working outside the home, and our finances show that it would be helpful for me to get going.  I'm not currently serving in a ministry at church, and I have always felt that is something that every church member should do and enjoy (and I have in the past).  Yet I feel no peace with starting myself going in either of these directions right now.  Currently, it seems that having a new child in our home is my full time job and ministry.  I do look forward to getting back into parenting ministry when God allows and would love to help our budget, but I need to trust that God has this time for me right now.

Each day I sense God asking me to trust Him completely . . . with my fears, with our finances, with our future.  And each new day that I awake with underlying fears and concerns,  I am taking them to Him and asking for His greatness to be shown in my weakness.  I am begging for Him to increase my faith and know that He is God and will show Himself strong on our behalf.

And so . . . we are so thankful for the breakthrough God gave us and continuing to trust that He will lead us and guide us through whatever comes our way.

Hard Times, Special Times . . . October 30, 2011

Habakkuk 3:17,18
"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior."

While we did have a reprieve for about a week, where things seemed to be getting better, we are continuing through a season of difficult times, difficult behavior and attitudes.  Our adoption agency had taught us about many of these things, but it feels a little different somehow . . . probably because she's eleven and did so well for the first couple of months (so we know she's capable), probably because we feel like we are giving her every opportunity to do right and trying to teach and train . . . probably because the "honeymoon" is over.  But we have to remember that so much of this is "normal" for her and that we haven't had her for the past eleven years to teach, train, and love.  And we don't understand her past experiences and how that shapes her today.  So, we are seeking advice and trying to learn how to handle the things we are facing, and we are praying for God's wisdom each day.  Our social worker has encouraged us that this is usually the bottom point and that we have most likely seen the worst, that we aren't likely to see new behaviors pop up.  But he's also warned us that the upcoming court date (November 17th) would likely be a difficult time as well.  I have to say that I find myself tensing up a bit as this month draws to an end, and November is right around the corner.  As much as I thought I was ok with it, I know the reality is that it will be very hard to face that day.  I'm also really thankful that we are heading into the special times of Thanksgiving and Christmas as this time of year brings a special joy in our home.

As well, we have had some "special times" together lately.  A couple of weeks ago, I took all the kids back to where Aleeya had lived to meet up with her best friend.  I knew that she missed him, and I had promised that we would go visit when possible.  So, we took a Saturday and made it a day trip.  We tried to get a hold of a couple of other girlfriends of hers, but they weren't able to make it.  So, I picked up her best bud, and we went to a nearby park.  The kids all seemed to have fun together, and I was glad we did it.  It was somewhat of a difficult day for me, mainly because the drive back to where we used to visit her just brings so many emotions.  On our way home, we told her about how hard it was to drive home without her and the kids mentioned how quiet our van was on the way home.  She asked why, and we told her it was hard to leave her each time.  She smiled and I think it made her feel special and loved inside.

As well, I took her on a "Woman to Woman" trip.  This is a trip Scott did with the boys (except it was called a "Man to Man" trip, of course) when they were eleven to talk to them about what it means to grow up and become a man.  Each trip has been a couple of days that was tailored to that child's interests.  On my trip with Aleeya, I thought it would be neat to travel to San Diego and take her to Sea World.  She loves Orca whales and had never been to Sea World.  Plus, on the way down there, I wanted to show her where we used to live in So Cal and where many of our memories have been made.  We went to our favorite restaurant there, and she loved it.  During the trip, we listened to James Dobson's series on "Preparing for Adolescence," which talks about conformity, inferiority, how your body changes and grows during those years, the meaning of love, and finding your identity.  It is a great series and really helps pre-adolescent kids to be ready for the upcoming years in their life.  We spent a couple of nights with some friends that lived down there, and visited one of my best friends on the way home.  We had lots of time to talk on our trip, and one of the neatest times was when she asked me questions about God for about an hour straight.  She seemed to really enjoy Sea World, and we got to feed and pet some dolphins which was really fun for both of us!  That day at Sea World marked a special date - we have now had her for 3 months.  My goal in all of this was to spend some special time with her, help her feel loved and special, prepare her for her future years as a teenager, and just be with her for some special quality time.

While I believe that much of that happened, we also had quite a few difficult times together.  Behavior and attitudes were not what I expected.  When we arrived home, I felt frustrated and sad.  I realized that I need some help in learning to parent her.  I tend to be straight up about my feelings and anything that concerns me with my children, so we had some talks about stuff, but I wasn't sure I was coming at things the right way.  So, I'm seeking the help needed, and trying to learn how to understand her and help her in the best way possible.  We've continued with some difficult times since we've been home, and at times, I found myself feeling defeated and wanting to hide.  Yet God gives me extra strength to confront it, be her parent, and I ask Him for an extra dose of His love to flow through me to her (even when I don't feel like it).  I've gone through feelings of guilt when I don't really want to be around her, feelings that I'm not able to do this, feelings of fear as I realize that she may always have these characteristics and I may not be able to get through to her, etc.  And then I remember that God clearly told us that we were to adopt, that she was the one, and that He is our Shelter, our Refuge, and He is faithful.  We don't need to fear, for He is with us (Psalm 91).  His Word is truly what gives me hope and security during times when I'm not sure what to do or how to handle life.  And I remember that though things may look bleak, yet I will rejoice in God my Savior!  He has done great things for us!

So . . . I'd like to ask for your continued prayers during this time.  Only God is able to help us, and He is quite capable!  Thanks for your love and support - it really does help.

A Couple of Weeks . . . October 12, 2011

Not really sure how to start this one, but it has been "a couple of weeks."  I'm not sure why I haven't blogged except to say that I kinda wait for it to feel like I need to before I sit down and start typing.  And there are times when things are happening so quickly and I don't have time to make sense of it all, so I wait . . . hoping it will all come together.  Not saying that it has all come together, but I'm at a point where it's time to type.  So . . . here goes.

I guess it's been about 3 weeks since I last posted.  I remember thinking that first week that there was nothing to report.  It had been such a normal, peaceful time for our family and life felt pretty good.  Now, looking back, I think I should have basked in the beauty of that time and mentioned what an amazing thing it was!

The past two weeks have not quite proved to be the same.  While none of this is meant to complain or feel sorry for myself, it has been a difficult two weeks.  Scott went away for a week with our son Alec to 6th grade science camp.  They had a great time together making awesome memories, and I'm so glad he went.  But I hadn't thought through how that might change our family dynamics for the week.  I was a single mom to three kids, one of whom is still transitioning.  And for her, our family structure means a ton!  Imagine that!  There is absolutely no way I could do this adoption without Scott, and his presence just brings so much to each day!  It also happened to be the week that we had our social workers come for a visit - how fun!  Things actually seemed ok until that Tuesday.  Somehow, since that visit, things have been a little rough.

During that visit, we learned that Aleeya does want to go to an event that may bring more difficult times our way.  This gets a little confusing, but we need your prayers for this date, so I'll try to explain.  At our first visit with her social worker about a month earlier, we learned that because Aleeya is 11 yrs. old (over 10 is the age), she has the right to attend the .26 hearing.  This is a hearing that will terminate her parents rights and free her to be adopted legally.  We had no idea that this would even be an option (we were looking for a 4-8 yr. old originally, so nobody mentioned it).  I remember being caught by surprise and wanting to fight the idea at first, but I listened and tried to remain calm as the social worker told us that she was talking to Aleeya about it to see if she wanted to go.  Later, I realized how normal it would be for her to want to go - her mom would be there most likely and she could see her again.  She hasn't seen her since March and thought that would be the last time.  After some time to process, God began to help me to see that this could be a good thing for me to be able to go through with her.  A time where I could better understand her life and history.  A time where I could be there to comfort her as needed.  So, Scott and I began to pray for His will.

During this visit, with Scott gone, her social worker told me that she does want to attend.  And while it wasn't shocking news, it was still something that moved me.  That night, she wanted to talk for awhile.  I had said something that upset her, and she needed to let me know.  It was something that I in no way meant to hurt her, but it did.  I realized how sensitive she is to certain subjects, and asked for her forgiveness.  She also asked me some really amazing questions - "would you still want to adopt me if I was bad?"  And she started another questions with - "ok, mom this is totally not true or anything, but what if I didn't like God or going to church, would you still adopt me?"  Wow, she had been thinking!  I told her yes for both cases, that we had prayed and asked God to show us our girl, and He had been clear.  I told her that she would have some tough consequences if she was bad, that we would be sad if she didn't love God, and that she would still go to church with us even if she didn't like it.  She then said "but I'm glad we're Christians!," which is so evident in her life.  And the amount of times she's been so excited before and after going to church is pretty overwhelming!  Still, it was pretty amazing that she was asking these questions.  We also talked about the upcoming court date (November 17th), and I asked her how she felt about it.  She said she was excited to get to see her mom and see if she's changed any.  I told her it might be a good day and a hard day all together, and after I explained, she agreed.

Throughout that week, we began to "bump heads" a lot.  Nothing awful and no major arguing or anything.  We just weren't getting along as well, and some of her behavior seemed out of sorts, and we've had to talk through a few things.  Could have been because Scott was gone, could have been because she's realizing she will see her mom again, could have been totally normal 5th grade girl stuff, could have been because I was tired with Scott gone!  Most likely, a combination of it all!  But it has kinda continued since then.  Things became lots better once Scott came home, but it's still there.  I've talked with her about it, and she was kind and listened, but something is just there.  Not sure it it's a bit of a power struggle, or her just testing me and my love for her?

So, I've felt a little more overwhelmed and tired than usual.  The social workers came back for a visit yesterday, and our social worker reminded me that usually we will see the toughest times during the second and third month and that this is normal and we are actually doing great!  He also said that the court date will probably be another bump in the road.  And while I know things are fine and God is good and completely in control, I'm also quite sure that I'm not strong enough to do all of this.  So many fears come into my head and I wonder about now and the future.  I know that fear comes only from Satan, and God reminds me that He's been with us all along showing us that this is His will and He will stay with us no matter what!

I keep hearing a song on the radio that has been a great encouragement.  It's a song by Matthew West that says:

"You must, you must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me, forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more that I can do . . . on my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up, I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough, strong enough for the both of us

Cause I'm broken, down to nothing
but I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God and you are strong
When I am week

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be . . Strong enough . . Strong enough"

So thankful for how music and His Word daily ministers to me.  And this has stirred up my desire to really seek God with my whole heart and ask for His wisdom!  He has led me to draw closer to Him and spend more time with Him, and it is a good thing!

So, we continue in our journey.  Our days are still filled with lots of homework to do together - she's catching up on missed time with a mom to help her learn.  As well, we have started reading a book together for her monthly book report to help her better understand some wording since she struggled with the last book she read.  I'm pretty sure that there are many words that she is not understanding - she can read them really well, but possibly due to learning two languages up until she was 8 and probably not learning the English that we all know so well, we are reading together so I can try to explain as we go.  And the really amazing thing (I think) is that somehow the past two books she's picked for her book reports are about foster/adopted kids.  It's really wild because we didn't go looking for them and didn't even spend much time in the library getting them, they just looked good and we checked them out!  It was after she started reading them that we realized.  Thankfully, the one she has now is a Christian based book and this girl just happens into a Christian family.  Coincidence?  I doubt it.  I often feel bad for her having to spend so much time working on homework, but she perseveres pretty well most days and often thanks me for helping.  We have days when I can tell she is "so done," but when she brings home those good grades, the smile tells me it's all worth it!

There are days when I remember how easy it was just having three, but I can't imagine life without her!  Even through the struggles, I watch her and realize I'm quite in love with this girl!  Please keep praying for us as we learn and grow together, and especially for our November 17th day that God would be with us and show Himself strong in all of it!  Thanks so much!