Tears came to our home this week . . . September 21, 2011

This past week has kinda been one that we've been waiting for or at least wondering if it would come to our family.  It showed up without warning and yet, it actually ended up being a really good, healthy thing.

Before I blog about that, there is something that is kinda frustrating to me, especially this week.  I find that when you are a child that has been in the foster care system, there are constant reminders that you're not like the "other kids."  Sometimes this comes just by looking around you and seeing that everyone else has "always been with their birth parents."  Sometimes it's because your skin color is different from your new family.  Sometimes it's because it's just hard to figure out what your family is talking about because they have always been together and have history and understand those short phrases that they always say to each other.  I see these types of things pop up a lot with Aleeya.

But then there are other outside things that bring up the fact that they are not like the other kids.  Like every time a social worker visits our home for their monthly visit to check on her and on us.  Or when there are the friends who ask her questions about how she is doing with her new family, and then want to know more about her past.  These are things Aleeya deals with and yet keeps a smile on her face through most of it.  I'm going through a lot of it with her, and think it really stinks sometimes.  It seems to be part of the deal.  Thankfully, we have a lot of love to give her and a great God to help us through it.

In all of this, our goal is to let her feel as "normal" and part of our family as possible!  This past week we got to celebrate Aleeya because of a great accomplishment at school.  She had been struggling and working really hard in Math.  And while I can help her with and explain her homework to her, I can't help on the tests.  I pulled up her grades online one day to see how she was doing, and there it was!  A "90" on her Math Test!!!  I was so excited!!!  I emailed her teacher and began the celebration.  That night I decided that we would definitely be celebrating together!  First, we looked at the paper and I told her how proud I was of her and how "she can do Math!" (belief is part of the battle).  Then, we put the test on the fridge (something I don't think she's ever had the privilege of doing), and then she got to pick what kind of cake she wanted me to make that night for dessert.  Her response was, "I've never had a family celebrate for me."  This was a good thing that was happening!  And by the way, we not have 3 of Aleeya's papers covering the fridge (2 of them she put up just today)!

Well, this week we finally had some tears come to our home.  It's actually a kinda strange thought that I've never seen my daughter cry.  It ended up being a bit of a special time, but it was hard as well.  During our family time with God at night, she looked a little sad.  I wasn't sure what was bothering her, but thought it might be stuff with friends or just being tired.  After prayer, she told me she needed to talk to me.  So . . we went and sat on my bed and she began to cry.  She said that Ashley had asked her about some things, basically seeing if we measured up to her birth family (gotta love that girl).  And while Aleeya said what she asked was fine, it made her think about her birth family.  She talked about missing some of her family and about some of her past.  She said that although she knows we wouldn't ever do it, she sometimes has dreams about us giving her to another family.  She told me some pretty personal, hard stuff and held on and cried.  I listened, hugged, and prayed with her and assured her that we prayed for her so long and that God had given her to us to keep forever!  It was a special time of bonding that lasted for about 45 minutes.  When I felt like she was pretty much finished (for now), I told her she probably needed to get some rest.  So, after some good tissue blowing and a really great big daddy hug (since he just happened to walk in the room right as we were heading out), I followed her into her bedroom and made sure she settled in ok.  The next day, I could see some of the sadness holding on, and I tried to be sensitive while encouraging her that it would be ok.  We talked some more that evening briefly, and that night she asked if we could talk and pray together more often (like every night).  I told her I would be willing whenever she needed it, but that we couldn't always stay up late.  That night we prayed together again, and it really seemed to help.  Since then, we've been able to talk more openly about some stuff, and she seems to be doing better.  It was really healthy to know that she could be open with me, that she trusted that I could help her, and for me to understand the things she's dealing with on the insides.  I found it was really good that this took awhile to come out, as I know her better now and know the girl she is each day.  It made it easier to hear and understand what she had to say.

I'm finding as time goes by, it is easier to treat her like "one of my own."  To tell her things like:  you need to re-make your bed, or go blow your nose, or please don't drag your feet when you are wearing your flip flops.  I think this is a healthy thing as well.  She takes it all so well, and we joke around quite a bit to make it easier, but at times, it's still just weird to expect things from her like I do all our other kids.  I often want to give her a break (and many times I do), but this too is part of being treated as "normal."

Oh yeah, and I did some research and the "baby dragonfly" (picture to the right) that we thought we saw last week.  It is actually a damselfly, not a baby.  Dragonflies and damselflies don't get their wings until the end of their life, so they are full grown at that point.  Also, we found a dragonfly on the ground as we were riding bikes this week, and of course we somehow had to bring it home.  So Ashley got it onto a stick and put in in the bag I was carrying (yes, I was a little freaked out).  But it didn't seem to be able to fly when we got it, so I hoped it would stay put and not get squished on our way home.  It made it home alive and we kept it overnight.  The girls wanted it as a pet, but I was pretty sure it was in the process of dying.  By the morning, it was very still and had died, but still pretty cool to look at.  Yet another dragonfly experience!  Currently, we have a praying mantice living at our home that the girls are loving!  I think it's praying for deliverance :)!

One other note . . if you are reading this blog and happen to see us, just wanted to let you all know (as nicely as possible) that Aleeya is not currently reading this blog, so if you could not mention to her that you are reading it, that would be great.  It's mainly to help us remember this special time in our life, the transition, to help others who may be thinking about adoption, and for her to read later in her life to see how God's faithfulness has been with her all along.  Thanks and blessings :)!

Really, Really Great Days - Sad Moments . . . September 14, 2010

I really, really wanted to just write a fun, upbeat, happy :) post full of all great things this time.  I've felt like the last few posts talked of being tired too often, or of the difficult times learning to adjust to our "new normal."  And while this post will have tons of GREAT stuff, I have to keep it real.  There are moments when things hit me out of the blue and make me sad.  So, that will be included as well.

Here are all the amazing things that happened this week:

We finally got a new license plate frame :).  On our van, I have had a frame on my license plate that read "I love my Triple A's" for a really long time.  We knew that needed to go as we began this process, and were really happy a friend of ours (that also happen to have three kids with "A" names) could use it.  But, we have been trying to get a new one made at our mall for months, and the machine has been down.  They finally fixed the machine, and our new frame proudly displays
"Butler Bunch - WE ARE FAMILY!"  (Yes, we do occasionally break out in song).
She noticed it and likes it lots!

This made my heart happy!

Also , Aleeya came home from Club 56 Wednesday night happy as I've ever seen her asking if she could go to church every day!  Club 56 just started up for the school year on Wednesday nights, and they do small groups where they get together and discuss the Bible and life.  She got paired with a couple of friends and made a couple of new ones and clearly, really loves it!

This made my heart happy!

A cool thing that happened this weekend was that Aleeya spotted a baby dragonfly in our backyard.  As most of you know, dragonflies has been some sort of theme for our adoption.  I'm working on coming up with a blog about "lessons learned from the dragonfly."  We see literally tons of them pretty much every day (and I've probably only noticed like 5 or 6 in my entire life up until now), and the kids notice them a lot now too.  Well, one of the kids came upstairs and said Aleeya needed me outside.  I was in the middle of doing stuff and asked if it was important, but didn't get much of a response.  I headed down, and she was fine.  Thankfully, I didn't get upset for being interrupted as she showed me a baby dragonfly she had found.  It was sitting still on the top of our rose tree for all of us to examine.  I even went into the house to get my camera, and when I came out, it was still there so I could get a picture (check it out to the right).  She too has realized that dragonflies have meant something to us and we've kinda explained it to her, so it was cool that she saw a baby.

This made my heart happy!

This may sound kinda funny, but I got my first kiss!  When Aleeya first came to be a part of our family, I remember wondering how we would do our "normal" night time routine.  We have always done our quiet time and then hugged and kissed each of the kids before bed.  At first, I wasn't sure what to do!  I remember just giving her a short hug at first.  Soon after, I noticed that she would be sure she was in a place where she could get a good hug (like she wouldn't get in bed until after hugs).  As time moved on, we got really long good hugs, much longer than any of our other kids!  I'm pretty sure we were making up for lost time :)!  All this time in the back of my mind though, I wondered how she felt as we kissed each of the other three.  I wondered if she wanted a kiss, but wasn't sure how to ask that (that would be awkward) and didn't want to push it on her or make her feel uncomfortable.  In the past few weeks, we have become way more relaxed and after our long hugs, I would gently take her face into my hands and kiss her on her sweet, soft cheek.  She never seemed to mind, so I continued.  Well, the other night after doing just that, she came back and kissed me on my cheek as well.  It was so sweet and cute, and she jumped in bed looking at me like, "Was that ok?"  I reassured her with a happy face and telling her I loved her.  The next night, she gave me a quick kiss as well closer to my lips, and last night, I got a kiss on my lips just like all our kids do each night!  Yup, I guess she was ready for more closeness.  It's funny because I've always just kissed each of my kids as babies and continued from there - it was always so natural.  I've never had to start this process at age 11!

This made my heart really happy (and I think it did hers too)!

Since I gotta be real, there was a tough day this week.  As most of you know, we have been told that at around 6 weeks, we would likely experience some tough times, so . . we've . . been . . waiting.  Well, this week went by so incredibly well that I figured we would have to wait for our "tough times" to come later, and that still may be the case.  But, we did have one sad moment that hit me out of nowhere!  This is usually how it happens.  Things are moving along normally, and than "BLAM!"

I had taken her to her first real horse lesson (we had one prior special lesson for the teacher to get to know her), and on our way home, she asked me when we might go back to her old stables to visit.  I told her that we would have to see when they might be having a special event and that they were supposed to email me when those came up.  But I mentioned that those stables are quite a distance away, so we would have to see.  Then, she asked about calling a friend from where she used to live, and I told her sure, she could call.  Then she talked about wanting to visit, and maybe trying to go to a talent show at her old school that her friend had told her about, and then, she wanted to be in the talent show.  While this may not seem like a big deal, it somehow cut at my heart and made me feel so sad!  It made me feel like she loved them more than us and that she wasn't adapting as well as I thought . . that somehow we weren't good enough . . and I felt sad and jealous and hurt.  While this was in no way a HUGE deal compared to what this week could have held, it was still one of those moments that was hard.  These were all things that I was totally fine with the first couple of weeks (sure we could visit her old horse stables and friends), but I have grown attached.  And now, the trip back to where she used to live is one that would be hard for me to make emotionally.

I had forgotten that she's only been with us for like 6-7 weeks, and that it's normal to miss good friends, and that it's actually really good she has some close friends like this, and that I too have moved and remember missing my friends so badly!  At the same time, I had to figure out what the boundaries of this should look like -
how often should she talk with her friends from where she used to live?
how often should we visit (or even should we)?
how do I encourage her to grow in friendships here instead?
We did talk through some of that and she understood that too much time focussing on where she used to live will only make it harder to settle in to her new life.  Yet, thankfully, I could totally relate to her missing friends since I've moved quite a few times.  This is something we will still be working through, but we'll get there!  These are things that she probably feels too as we talk about our past . . a past that didn't include her.  This is some of the "tough stuff."

This made my heart sad.

Before I finish, I wanted to give a few "fun" notes, things that I want to remember as a "new mom!"  Aleeya and I have laughed over these quite a few times, and done that "Remember when . . ?" thing.

Once, when we went shopping together at the mall, we stopped into Bath & Body to get a couple of things.  I wanted to get those room sprays, and went back to the counter to pick which ones I liked.  Well, she took the spray and very casually took off the top and sprayed it on her wrist!!!  It was so cute!  I looked at her and said, "oh no sweetie, that's a room spray" and she laughed so hard!

This past week, as I came down one morning, she was eating her favorite cereal, Cocoa Pebbles.  She was kinda making a face and said, "this milk doesn't taste very good."  I was pretty sure we didn't have any past due milk and asked her about it.  Then she said, "Oh, I got it from the cardboard carton."  Then I realized she had used Scott's half and half (for his coffee).  Poor thing - yuk!  She went ahead and got a new bowl of cereal with some good milk!

And God encouraged me in a great way this past Sunday at church.  I've been feeling really tired lately, more than usual.  I guess it's adjusting to our family with four kids, doing more homework than usual, and learning to think ahead and stuff.  Anyhow, I hate feeling tired and like to have lots of energy.  As we began singing "Everlasting God," a song by Lincoln Brewster, I was struck by a couple of lines that I have sung tons of times.  I sang,

"You do not faint, You won't grow weary."

So thankful to serve a God that never gets tired or weary and can give me His great strength!  I'm definitely depending on it through the really great days, as well as the sad moments!  God has blessed us with way more "ups" than "downs," and I really am so thankful!

Things I've Learned Lately . . . September 6, 2011

After all the excitement of Aleeya accepting Jesus into her life last weekend, it felt like we were under attack this past week.  It seems when good is present, evil is right there as well trying to win the battle.  I kinda knew it would happen, but wasn't expecting it in the way it came.  Aleeya had a great week, but a couple of our other kids struggled with stuff this week.  So thankful we have a God who keeps loving and forgiving and helping us through our "stuff."

One thing I've really found lately is that "I'm tired!"  I guess there is an underlying stress with all that we are doing - you know - adopting, getting used to having another child, trying to be great parents to all four of them.  There's tons of excitement with it all, yet much exhaustion as well.  When there's a new family member, everyone is trying to be extra kind and figure out how to work through stuff.  The things that you would normally say to your child sound a little rough around the edges when you say them to or in front of a child that doesn't know you very well.  So, everything is guarded, and in some ways, this actually makes us better parents / better people.  I feel like we've been more loving, kinder in our words, and more understanding.  We've really learned to think before we speak and ask God to guide our words and attitudes.  And when we need to correct, we do it with kinder words and faces (most of the time).  As well, I try to be sure everything is done by the time they arrive home from school each day so I can really "be there" and be ready to help with homework or whatever comes up; and believe me, I stay busy for most of the evening!  One other thing is that we really work hard to have as much "family time" as possible and get our family quiet time with God in every night.  It seems more important now than ever!  These are some of the things that add to our life and make me feel a little more "tired."  So much like having a new baby all over again :).

But by the end of this week, I was ready to blow!  We've been planning to paint the girls room since Aleeya came, but had to find a good weekend to do it.  When we first met her and she said her favorite color was blue, I quickly realized that our beautiful pink room wasn't going to work out.  And since Ashley's new favorite color was green, it seemed like a good idea to change their room to blue and green.  Since this weekend had an extra day in it due to Labor Day, we decided to take on the extra project.  I've found that I have to be really geared up for the weekends since Scott is gone most of the time at work and I have the kids by myself.  Well, adding a major painting project to the deal didn't help my need for extra patience and extra love.  And on top of it all, I wanted it to be "fun!"  So, I let the kids paint with me . . . some.  They all got a chance to help with the first coat, and then I finished up the second.  All this meant that their toys and furniture were in the hallway and the game room (which is right outside of our room), and I don't do well with things being disorganized.  And then on Monday, when all I really wanted to do was have a jammie day and hang out, we needed to get the room back to normal and get things finished up.  By mid-Monday, I could feel the tensions rising in me.  The kids were leaving lots of things around the house, and I just wanted everything to be picked up.  After feeling like I was about to burst out into tears about five different times, I finally went into my room to lay down on my bed with our dog (he has a calming effect on me).  At that point, I was talking to God and saying I didn't know what to do with all of my frustration.  He then gently reminded me that I was supposed to bring them to Him and He would help.  I rested for a short while, and awoke with a fresh sense of purpose and ability, knowing that God would continue to be my strength.  I'm needing to lean on Him more and more - gotta remember that!!

Oh yeah, wanted to let you all know that we officially hit the 6 week mark.  This is the point where our social worker said that we should see some things surface - behaviors, grief, anger - things like that.  While we know it's still possible up until like 3 months, so far what we have are some more precious notes to tell us she loved us on Friday after school and her exclaiming that "I love my family" on a ride home this Sunday evening (our six week anniversary).  So, for now, we're going to praise God for all the good and enjoy the moment!!!!

I've also learned that we will have different expectations for her for school.  With our other three kids who have been trained early on about how to do homework, how to study, and how to learn, we have pretty high expectations of how they should do in school.  We are still learning what Aleeya's abilities are and finding that she is very bright and willing to learn . . . something I am so thankful for and really wanted in our child.  It's amazing watching her learn and desire to learn, but my expectations for her are what she can do!  I have a pretty big perfectionistic side of me, so I'm amazed to see how God is giving me grace and understanding in all of this.  But I really just want to see her learn and enjoy school and do HER best.  It's a really neat experience and we are so proud of her already!

One of the major things I've learned this week is "what people want to hear."  While I have a couple of close friends that understand and really are willing to hear how life is really going, most just want to hear that everything is going great!!  When they ask how she's doing or how our family is doing, they just want to hear - "AWESOME!"  And I kinda get it, we prayed really hard for this and really wanted her to come to our home quickly, and they are so happy for us.  And I guess they think she's been through a lot, so we should all just be happy and accept anything not going just the way we hoped.  But I gotta say, that life is not always great, awesome, and perfect.  And it's ok.  I'm learning to have boundaries on what I say and that most people can't bear to hear that it's been a rough day or week (even if it's not awful, just trying or something).  And believe me, we have had it really good compared to many I'm sure!!!  But there are still things that we are working through with Aleeya, as well as our other three children each day and there always will be!  I've always been really open and honest about how life is going in our family, and like to put things out there for people to help or just to say things out loud so I can work through it.  I'm finding that this is not always appropriate and I need to keep more stuff to myself.  For now, I think my normal response will be - "Things are going really well, thanks!  There are some adjustments, but we are blessed."  It is true, and God will give me the wisdom to work through the adjustments as they come.  I'm thankful for that handful of friends/advisors He has put around me, and so appreciate their understanding and care.  God knows what we need and I'll keep learning!

More thoughts about Jesus . . . August 30, 2011

Well, we are still celebrating Aleeya's birth into God's family, her adoption as God's child.  We are thanking God, talking about it in our home, and truly amazed!

I keep reviewing all that we talked about Sunday night as we sat on the bed together.  One of the things that keeps popping into my head is that during our conversation about who Jesus was, and how she could know for sure that she would go to heaven to be with Him when she died, she asked me a question.  She asked what would happen if Scott and I died, what would happen for her.  I told her that we had made plans for my sister to take care of all the kids and that we had life insurance to take care of them.  Then she asked what would happen if they died too?  I told her that it is highly unlikely that we would both die, but I realized that she needed to be sure she had a back-up plan.  With the loss that she has been through, she wanted to be sure there was someone to take care of her.

That's where Jesus becomes this amazing and wonderful Savior for her, and for all of us.  Yet I wonder if we really get how awesome He is for our lives, our secure, somewhat easy lives!  I think she does!  The idea of a heavenly Father who loves her so much, even with all her sin, and would send His Son to the earth to die and take the penalty of her sin so He could spend eternity with her in heaven is truly incredible!  I hope I get it as much as she does!

Yesterday afternoon, there were two things that happened that confirmed that she was really understanding who Jesus was and how much He loves her.

One was a phone call I had with a friend.  She heard about Aleeya accepting Jesus into her life and was reminded of a conversation that she and the girls had the other day.  They were riding in her van and heard the song that has a line in it that says - "I am Judas' kiss."  Aleeya asked what that meant, and they talked about it.  Basically, we have all been like Judas and betrayed Jesus with our sin and choices.  Because of that sin, Jesus had to die on a cross so we could be made right with God.  It was really cool to know that she was asking questions, not only to me, but to others.

The other was something she wrote in her journal.  I didn't even know she was writing in it, but she mentioned at dinner that she had written some thoughts about Jesus.  I asked if I could read it, and she said yes.  After reading it, I thought how amazing that she is really understanding and excited about Him!  Here's what it said:

"My thoughts about Jesus"
Jesus died on the cross for everybody who is alive right now on this earth.  Jesus loves everybody more than your parents love and he will always love!  I love (made with a heart) JESSUS (spelled just like that   )!

I love that she's already experiencing Him and writing about Him.  Yesterday was filled with a new ease in the house, a new sense of security.  It was good!  Last night as she was going to bed, she said "Mom."  I answered, "yes," and she said, "I love calling you mom."  I'm always taken back by these moments and filled with awe.  Love that she can call me mom so quickly and love that she can call Him "Father" so quickly.  I am overwhelmed by our GREAT GOD!

And, oh yeah, I literally saw at least 17 dragonflies yesterday (I started counting after the first 9 or 10) on my short travels around town in the van - it was crazy!  Kinda felt like there was a celebration going on or something!!!  I know there was in heaven!

A Child of God!!! . . . August 28, 2011

So, I'm not going to be able to wait until the end of this blog to let you know that - Aleeya accepted Jesus as her Savior tonight!!!!  It was wonderful and incredible and amazing, and all in God's perfect plan!

From the moment we knew we were going to adopt, we have been praying for our girl to come to know Jesus.  As we have prayed for Austin, Alec, and Ashley to accept Jesus as their Savior, we began the same with our new child!  Once I met her in June, the prayers began to become much more intense as I could now see her face and care for her even more deeply.

Since she has been in our home, she has been introduced to Christian music, a church where people love Jesus, a Christian school that teaches about Jesus daily, and a time where we read the Bible together as a family every night.  I remember those first couple of weeks as she began reading a children's Bible.  I could see that she seemed so interested.  I would pray as she read that God would open her eyes to the things of Him.

We have had quite a few talks about God and Jesus, and she has been very open and asked lots of questions.  Just last week, she began praying before a couple of meals in our home and I was pretty shocked.  When we first met her and went out to eat together, I remember her having a very unsure look on her face as we began to pray together before our meal and I wondered if she had ever prayed before.  Over vacation, I realized that the Royal Family Kids Camp had introduced her to some great Christian songs that spoke volumes on who God is, and I wondered if she had a relationship with Jesus.

There have been many times that I have wanted to sit down and find out if she wanted to accept Jesus, but I was concerned that she would do it more to make me happy and because she wanted to please us.  I very much wanted to be sure this was her decision and not something she had to do to be a "part of the Butler family."  I was thankful for the times when it came up naturally, but didn't want to push the decision on her.  I desperately wanted her to go to heaven when she died and to become a true child of God, but wanted to be sure it was God leading her.

Over the past month, we have been attending Club 56 (a special church service for kids in 5th and 6th grade) with Aleeya each week at church.  Their pastor does an incredible job teaching the kids about Jesus in a fun environment with sound effects, videos, and great passion.  I asked him recently if he would be sharing about salvation soon, and he told me that he would be doing that this weekend.  I began praying earnestly that God would use his message in her life.  At the end of the service, there was a really great video showing many of the works of Jesus, as well as his death and resurrection.  I asked her what she thought of it, and she said she could watch it all day, that she loved it!  I wondered if she had responded to his invitation to pray with him to receive Jesus, and he said she had not.  Part of me was glad because I really wanted to explain it all and be a part of this decision in her life, and part of me wondered if she had already accepted Jesus into her heart and life.  I had seen such love and kindness already displayed in her life and thought she may already know Jesus personally.  Throughout the day, God continued to work in my life and let me know that He wanted me to talk with her more about this important, life-changing decision.

So, tonight was the night!  I invited her into my room, and we sat on the bed.  I told her that I wanted to see what she thought about what was shared in Club 56 this morning and be sure she understood everything.  I asked her if she knew for sure that she would go to heaven when she died and she said "no."  I told her that the Bible tells us how to be sure, and I wanted to tell her about it.  She seemed happy to listen and have this time with me.  I explained about how in the Old Testament, the priests used to sacrifice a lamb to cover the sins of the people and the blood of the lamb would cover their sin for awhile.  But God decided that there needed to be a payment made once and for all for the sins of the people.  We talked about how we have all sinned and that sin makes it impossible to be worthy of being with God, because He is holy and perfect.  I told her that Jesus came to earth and lived a perfect life and died on the cross to be the perfect "Lamb of God" and die for our sins.  His blood covered our sins and now He offers us this "gift" of eternal life when we believe in Him.  I told her that the greatest part about Jesus is that He rose again three days later (unlike all the other gods that people worship), and He is alive today.  We talked about how He created her and loves her so much, and how He longs to have her as part of His family, to be her heavenly Father that will never fail her (I reminded her that we will fail her at times because we aren't perfect, but He is)!  I told her that this was a decision that only she could make.  She had some great questions and we continued to talk for awhile.  I asked her if she had ever prayed to accept Jesus.  She said that she sometimes would pray after our family quiet time to ask God to forgive her of her sins.  I asked if she had ever asked Him to be her Savior and she said "no."  We talked about how Jesus has this "gift" for her, but it wouldn't be hers unless she decided to take it for herself.  When I asked if she wanted to pray and ask Jesus into her life, she said "yes."  She then prayed and asked Jesus to forgive her of her sins, and told Him that she believed that He died for her sins and rose again three days later, and she asked Him to be her Savior and help her live for Him.  When we finished, she had the biggest, sweetest smile and a great sparkle in her eye.

It was about time for our family quiet time, and I asked her if she wanted to tell everyone.  She quietly said, "no, I want to keep it to myself for now."  I told her that was fine, but let her know that our family would be really excited about this.  Then she said, "maybe we could tell them together."  The smile and gleam on her face as we sat together to read was awesome!  When we went to pray together, I mentioned that we had some exciting news.  When I told everyone, they all said "yay" and Scott and Ashley gave her hugs.  It was AWESOME!  Before she went to bed, she thanked me for telling her about Jesus.  It was so great to know that our whole family has accepted Him into their lives and will someday be in heaven together!!!  This adoption by God into His family is by far the most important one ever and we are so happy for all He is doing in her life and in ours!!!!  Now there is a new name written in the lambs book of life and a celebration going on in heaven!

One other note - she still is a little shy about sharing things with others at times, so please let her tell you about this on her own when she is ready.  Thanks so much!

Emotions and Loving . . . August 28, 2011

Over the past month, I have blogged much about the daily happenings of our life with our sweet Aleeya.  A week ago or so, I told Scott that I hoped that I would be able to stop typing about each detail of each day and get on with other topics.  But for a time, that is exactly what I had to do for some reason!  Well, I think this is the week for getting past the details.  Things are moving along really well and Aleeya is more and more becoming a part of our family, moment by moment.

A few really cool details from this week are a couple of things she said out loud to me during our day-to-day life.  She said, "I'm really thankful to have such a great mom and dad!"  And I responded, "And we're really thankful to have such a sweet girl like you."  As well, she mentioned how great it is to be a part of a "happy family."  On Friday of this week, Scott and I met the kids after school (his day off - yay!), and she gave us both red envelopes that said "I love you Mom" and "I love you Daddy" on the outside.  Inside were the same sayings with some fun pictures.  I loved that mine had a sunshine with sunglasses on - very cute!!!  It's nice that she's starting to verbalize her love and thankfulness more and we can see it on her face more and more with each passing week.  So thankful to God!

This week, I've had a little more "alone" time while the kids are at school.  I have felt much more tired and think that life is beginning to catch up with me.  Aleeya even asked me one night if I was "ok?"  I was sad that she noticed, but told her that I was just really tired.  Thankfully, she seemed very understanding.  As I'm sure most school parents are feeling these days, I am trying to figure out our "new routine" and keep things as up-to-date as possible, and it's seeming a little more difficult with four kids now.  More food, more laundry, more homework, and all good - just more!

I have realized that this is my first time having all the kids in school and knowing that I would not be starting a "job" outside of the home very soon.  Since Ashley has been in kindergarten, I have been working, either at the adoption agency, cleaning, or as a nanny.  And for some reason, my not working right now is making me feel somewhat guilty.  I'm not sure if it's put there by the fact that most of my friends work, or at least are home schooling their kids, or what - but it's there.  Sometimes I feel it by others who seem to imply that I don't have much to do during the day.  Yet I know that my days are completely full at the moment, still trying to help settle our sweet girl in our home and trying to get everything possible done during the day so that I am able to really "be" with the kids when they get home from school.  They all need tons of stability right now, and I know how huge it is that I am able to look at each paper, see how their day went, work through homework together, and have a nice dinner together around the table.  So, I'm trying to accept that this is what God has called me to for now and not feel guilty for being a full-time "wife" and "mom."  I've always believed that those were the most important titles given to me by God, yet at times, this world seems to try to steel their significance from me.

There have been some other feelings or emotions running through me over these last few weeks, but I have had a hard time putting a finger on what was going on inside of me.  I knew that Scott and I desperately needed a day off together, and although I had a huge "honey do list," decided to not think about it and just enjoy a day with him this Friday.  We went to go see a movie called "The Help," which tells the story of how black women used to take care of prominent white women, their homes, and their children in America in the 1960's.  These women were treated awful, yet somehow they chose to love these little white children that they would often end up raising.  The main character continually tells a sweet little chubby toddler to repeat:  "You is kind.  You is smart.  You is important."  This black woman had no real reason to love this little white girl, especially with the way the toddler's mom was treating her or with the way the world was treating her like she was so unimportant, yet she choose to love this little girl and build into her life.  I watched with amazement.

As we left the movie, I began to talk openly with Scott about how I wanted to be like that lady and fully love this wonderful child God has brought into our family.  I want her to know that "she is kind, she is smart, she is important!"  I told him about how guilty I've been feeling lately.  I have been wondering if I am loving Aleeya enough?  There are so many times that I wonder if I love her as much as our other three children, and this brings huge feelings of guilt and sadness to me.  I began to cry as we talked.  Then I see how Austin, Alec, and Ashley are all adjusting to all of this and wonder if they are really ok?  I begin to worry that as I'm trying to spend special time with Aleeya and give her long hugs, are my other three feeling special enough?  I've been seeing little signs of adjusting with each of them, and overall, I'd say they are doing really well, yet as a mom, it's hard to watch.  They have all had major security and love their whole life and are so blessed.  Aleeya is in need of some special affection and care right now, much like bringing home a new baby, ours just happens to be 11.  So, we are all adjusting little by little.  Scott was so good and reminded me that we've spent anywhere from 8-14 years with Austin, Alec, and Ashley, and have only known Aleeya for 2 months.  Just like with all of our kids, the love grows and grows.  She is definitely loved, and that love will only grow with time.  I then realized that she probably isn't loving me in the same way that she has loved her birth mom, and that will take time to grow as well and that's ok.  Scott also encouraged me that each time I sense that one of the kids is needing some extra love, that it is a reminder to try to find that special time to spend with them and to talk about how they are feeling and reassure them of our love.  It felt so good to "get it out!"  The funny thing is that these are the things that Scott was concerned about back when we first were talking about adoption, and I was already past it and thought it would all be fine.  Turns out, these emotions are real and they do come!  Sometimes just being able to talk it out really helps the issue.  We both look forward to the time when we have been together for 6 months or a year.  For now, I'm just asking God to fill me with His love so I have plenty to share with all our kids!

One other note that I have to share is that my husband has been just amazing!!!  He has been the best husband and dad that I could imagine.  When he walks in the door, he just brings a calmness and peace over the home.  He loves on and jokes with and cares for Aleeya so much, and it is incredible!  As well, he continues to care for each of the kids in his own special way.  He looks for ways to help me out and has just overwhelmed me as I've seen God's love, grace, and patience flow through Him.  So thankful to be his wife and see how God continues to grow us together as a couple, hopefully one that reflects God in some way.  I have always thought that each new baby really brings us together in such a unique way and grows our love, and so thankful that it is happening again!

A Month Old . . . Already :)! . . . August 21, 2011

Ok, so I'm never quite sure how this works.  With all my kiddos, I tended to say they were 4 weeks old, yet I guess they weren't exactly a month old until the following month on the exact day they were born.  For us, Aleeya has been with us 4 weeks as of today, so we're calling it a month :) (even if it really will be August 24th)!  And I must say that God has done amazing things!!!  Our agency, Family Connections Christian Adoptions (by the way, you can like them on Facebook if you want), did an amazing job with classes and giving us some great material to read.  But just like giving birth, I don't think anyone can prepare you for what it will be like exactly . . to have another sweet child enter your home . . one from a completely different background, an 11 year old girl at that (I've never parented an 11 year old girl before), that has had so many experiences in her life that we don't even know about and understand, and to have her enter your home and become "your child" is just an amazing experience!  I can't even begin to imagine how she must feel - learning to call a stranger "mom," learning to understand all the ways we "do stuff," learning how to have a new dad, a new sister and two new brothers, learning the expectations, starting school - ugh, it makes me feel overwhelmed just thinking about it!  Yet she has done it all with such ease and grace.  Well, we've fallen in love for sure!  We are completely proud parents!  We have found that this can be overwhelming and exhausting, yet wonderful all at once.  We have had incredibly great days, and days that have made us so ready to go to bed.  We have learned new things about us and our children.  We have seen God stretch us in our grace, patience, and love and found that He has given us more than we knew was possible.  And the things that were difficult and that we had to work on the first two weeks are already "history."  At the end of this month, I have to say that I'm seeing a family of six forming for sure!

One thing I keep noticing this month is her heart for others!  It is truly precious.  Whenever we've passed a homeless person with a sign, or seen a crippled man or child, she has always taken the time to notice and say how sad it is.  We recently saw a sign about a lost dog in our neighborhood, and she made sure to mention it.  As well, she met up with a really feisty lost kitten, who was biting and trying to claw at everyone, yet she held it unafraid and wanted to keep it so badly (ok, it was really cute, but we have a singer in our home that needs no extra allergens, and I'm somewhat allergic as well).  Somehow, with all that she's faced and the fact that she needed a home for quite a while, I would think that she would be more self-focussed and want for herself, yet I love hearing and seeing her heart for others.  Her last foster home was really great in taking in animals to foster while they were waiting for a home, and I think it taught her so much!

This week held a new and fun event for us - our social worker visit!  Aleeya's worker and our social worker both arrived at our home on Tuesday after school for a visit.  They both came to see how she was doing and how we were doing together.  Her social worker is very kind, friendly, and efficient, and came in and met each of the other three kids.  She then asked Aleeya to see her room so they could have some time to talk more privately.  While we weren't sure what it would be like, Aleeya seemed to know just what to do.  Our social worker had called earlier that day to let us know that he had talked to Aleeya's social worker about the name change.  This was a good thing since it would be really hard for the kids to call her Janice again, and we wanted her social worker to know.  But it could have been a tricky thing since social workers really wouldn't allow that in "foster care" (but we are adopting and can't change it a year later when things become finalized).  She was very surprised when she found out, and we weren't sure what she would say to us that day.

Ashley was hilarious as she tried three or four times to figure out a way to get up into their room, once even saying she needed to go read her Bible!  She almost got me there :)!  They spent awhile together up there, while the kids had snack, did some homework downstairs, and talked with our social worker.  When Aleeya's social worker came down, she asked to speak to us privately.  Our social worker later told us he was concerned, but I just figured she wanted to see how we were doing.  When we sat down, she said, "I just want to commend you guys because I have never seen Janice so happy.  Normally, I have to pull things out of her, but today she talked freely and openly."  Whew!!!  That sounded so good coming out of the mouth of someone who knew her longer than two months!   She said that Aleeya showed her her new clothes, and talked happily about her life.  She also asked about her birth family and her social worker thought that this was kinda like saying "I'm ok now, are they?"  I remember always thinking I would be ok with Aleeya talking about her birth family, but this was the first time it hurt to hear it.  For me, she was my girl!  Yet she talks about her birth family quite a bit around me, and I'm usually good with it.  I think I just forgot that she would be talking to her social worker about her birth family today since she knew each of them.  Her social worker asked Aleeya about the name change, and Aleeya explained it and said she liked it but that she could call her Janice (this was something we had told her might be necessary).  When we explained it further, she said that this was a surprise, but she could see how well she was fitting into our family!  As she left, she asked if it would be good to call her Aleeya now, and Aleeya said "yes" since she could tell it was ok with everyone.

When the social workers left, we felt a huge sense of relief and joy!  It was great to hear from people that knew how these things normally go that they too thought it was going really well and could tell Aleeya was happy!  I wondered if seeing her social worker and the memories that come along with that would bring us a few tough days ahead, but everything seemed to go really well.  I also know that there's a possibility that the next few weeks may be difficult (possible testing to see if we really love her, going through periods of grief over loss, etc) from all I've been told, but I am trying not to fear and trust God completely with what the future may bring!  This Sunday at church was a great reminder that "our God is greater" and "He works all things together for my good!"  I just need to keep trusting and loving her through whatever comes!

We did have a sad day this week, and I've hesitated to blog about it.  Yet, I know each of you as parents have experienced this, so I think it's ok.  It was our first time having to "discipline" for a more serious matter than just forgetting to do something.  She came home on Thursday, which was our Back-to-School Night, telling us that they didn't have any Math homework and that they didn't do Math today because they took too long on something else.  I was kinda excited about that since Math takes up quite a bit of our time and tonight would be a little more rushed.  Somewhere along the way, she was going through too much to really learn Math well, and so she struggles a bit with it.  Thankfully, I love Math and am happy to help her!  She seems to pick up on things really quickly and seems to just need someone to help her along the way.  In fact, she seems to love that we sit together and work on it!  After one time of working on it together, she wrote, "I love my mom" on a banana as she was packing her lunch right after we were done.  I think this is the first time she has had someone to sit with her and help her with her homework (something I have done with each of my kids when they first began school).  We are going to continue to work on flash cards and hopefully some Math games online to help out as well.  Anyhow, I went to put her folder back in her back pack and saw a Math paper sticking out of her Math book.  I pulled it out and noticed that it was today's date, and it wasn't finished.  I immediately had that sinking feeling.  I called her inside to talk about it, and she said that she did do some Math at the end of the day but that her teacher had said she could stop on #19.  I thought that sounded strange, but hoped it was because we had Back-to-School Night.  I told her I would double check with her teacher, and she kinda back peddled, but didn't change the story too much.  That night I found out that they were supposed to finish the 30 problems ,and her teacher did not say she could stop at #19 (she could have at least picked #20 or something!).  I was so sad and almost began crying, yet then I remembered that all of our children have lied at some point and that this would be a growing experience if we let it be.  After everyone was ready for bed and we finished our quiet time together, I told Aleeya that the teacher said that they needed to go to #30 and to go ahead downstairs so we could work on it together.

When she got her book, I explained that I really felt like she had lied to me and it made me sad.  I told her that God tells us not to lie, and that in our family, we expect her to tell the truth.  I told her that we still love her, and that I understood that Math is a difficult subject and takes us quite a bit of time each night.  I told her that we would keep getting through it and that she was already doing so much better!  I explained that each of our kids has lied to us at some point, and it has always made us sad.  I told her that we want to trust her, but that when she lies, it makes us wonder in the future.  I told her that we would need to take away the trampoline privilege for 2 days and that I hoped she would tell us the truth in the future (just so you know, the rest of the kids would have gotten a spanking for this, but when you have a child in foster care there is a no corporal punishment policy.  At first, I really struggled with this since we believe it's what God has told us in His Word.  But I understood more as it was explained that many of these children come from situations of physical abuse and this form of punishment does not work at all with them.  For Aleeya, she is a jumping machine and loves the trampoline, so it was a fitting consequence.  By the way, she landed her flip this week - yay!).  I gave her a big hug and again told her we loved her.  Then we got to work!  After we finished, I asked her if she thought I was right in what had happened and she said "yes."  I wanted to be sure that she owned up to the lie in some way and know that we both understood what had happened.  Then we hugged once again, and she headed up to bed.  I think it was good for her to know how we would handle this type of thing, and could tell that somehow it made her feel good that we had gotten through it.  She's not perfect and neither are we, but I had really hoped it was all true since she's done so well so far!  It was good to be reminded that we are all sinners and in need of a Savior.  Over the next two days, she never asked to go on the trampoline and took things really well.  And overall, I think she knew more about our love for her!

We also finally received her pictures that we had taken of her back this week.  We went out that night and found a frame together.  Scott was really excited to get one in his office, and I was so looking forward to seeing her picture beside all the other kids pictures on a counter in our hallway!  The counter happens to be right as you enter the girls room, and it so bothered me that she wasn't there.  Scott prepared the frames soon after we got home (I'm big on cleaning the glass with no fingerprints, and thankfully, he's really good at that!).  We wanted to get them up ASAP!  I went up and put one on the cabinet and one in the girls room.  That night after our family quiet time, she stopped in front of the cabinet where all the pictures of the kids were and just stared!  As I came behind the girls to tuck them in, I asked her if she liked it.  She said "yes," and I couldn't figure out which one of us liked it more!  The picture was so cute and so "her," and it was great to see all four of our children there together!!!  On Sunday, we went into Scott's office and it was great to see all the kids pictures in there as well!

While we were out this Saturday, we picked up some lunch at a drive-thru and I asked who would like to pray.  It was just the girls as we were headed to get pedicures (as a friend had so kindly blessed us with a gift certificate and we wanted to celebrate one month together)!  Somehow, Aleeya thought I asked her to pray and said "ok."  It was awesome to hear her pray out loud for the first time!!!  I couldn't believe it!  Then the next morning when the boys were with us as well, she offered again - amazing!  And by the way, she talks about how excited she is for Sunday each week and loves going to her church.  So glad!

This week she got her first invitation to a birthday party by one of her favorite friends at school.  I remember the mom texting me about it and saying she hoped Aleeya could come.  All I could think was, "we wouldn't miss it for the world!"  This was a great way for her to continue feeling like she belonged and getting to know the girls her age even better!  So thankful for this opportunity and for how much fun she had with a whole bunch of fun-loving girls!

On a funny, positive note, she has become excellent at vacuuming!  Since I had just shown her once last week how it should be done, I thought I should keep an eye on her this week.  At first I really did, but she was doing fabulous!  Later, I checked to see how things looked, and she worked really hard and did it just as I had asked.  As we handed out allowance that night, I told her how awesome she did!  Of course, she came back with "do I get a tip?"  She's very quick witted, which is lots of fun for all of us, especially Scott as they joke a lot!

This week, more than ever, I have noticed even more hugs.  Not just little hugs, but nice looonng hugs, the kind where you squeeze hard and just stay close.  We continue to find that she really likes to be close to us, especially at restaurants (like with friends, when the adults are at one table and the kids are at the other) and have learned to appreciate it rather than tell her to leave and sit with the rest of the kids.  I was realizing this week that we are making up for lost time!  I began to wonder when she's gotten a real "I love you" kinda hug in the past.  I've begun to understand the need for that physical love in my sweet girl and am thrilled that we are blessed to get some long hugs each day :)!

Since this marked the end of 30 days, there was some more paperwork to be filled out and we got to do a disaster drill, which was pretty fun (Scott does a great impression of a fire alarm)!  These are the things that continue to come up in our lives that remind us that we are still in the process, but thankfully, we are closer than we have ever been to having her legally ours forever.  In our hearts, she is there!

By Friday of this week, something has begun to change.  Something has happened, and we are beginning to feel more "normal" together.  The bonding is really taking place.  Some of the newness is slowly wearing off, and we are beginning to be more relaxed and comfortable together.  It is starting to feel "normal" to have us all around the dinner table.  It is such a wonderful feeling and I am so thankful for all God is doing!  Still can't believe she's only "a month old," and I can't wait to see what things will feel like at 3 months, 6 months, and a year!  I know, I know, don't rush it!  That's what I say to other "new moms!"  Exciting days continue to be ahead of us, and for now I'm so thankful for all that's happened in only a month!