Our Girl is 12! . . . June 10, 2012

Well, it's officially summer at our home and that is a great thing!  It means a break from the school schedule, no homework that has to be done tomorrow, and more time for our kids to "be kids" together!
I am so thankful for all of that!  I am seeing all four of my kids really bond and am realizing that this is a special time.  Last year when she joined our family, we only had a couple of weeks of vacation together, a week to get ready for school, and life began for Aleeya in the Butler household with school in full swing.  It was a whirlwind.  But, as summer begins, I see the kids playing games together and laughing, or Aleeya and Ashley going outside in their bathing suits to enjoy the sprinkler and play nerf softball, and I realize how amazing this time is . . how desperately it's needed!

The last three months have been full to say the least.  School work had really gotten tough, and we were struggling last time I blogged.  I wasn't sure what to do or how to help.  I considered home schooling her for awhile to see where the problem was and try to get her back on track, but was concerned about how that would affect her daily routine and friendships.  We prayed about it for awhile.  Then a friend of mine mentioned that it may be a good idea to let her know that if she continues to struggle that we may need to get some tutoring for her this summer to help her (which was a very real need at that point), and that may end up happening while the rest of the family was swimming and doing other fun things.  So, since I really believed she had given up a little and wasn't trying, I figured it was worth a try.  We talked.  She agreed with me that she wasn't really trying and understood that if we didn't see improvements, her summer may not be as fun as we both wanted it to be.  IT WAS AMAZING!  That week we saw immediate improvement and she continued to do better for the final two months of school!  She ended up getting on the honor roll because of a couple of major projects at the end, and we were so proud of her!  She was pretty proud of herself too!  Those last few weeks of school, she asked me if I thought she would need to get tutoring this summer.  I was amazed that it had stuck with her, and told her that she was doing so well and I saw no need.  While all the kids will do some small review of things they need to work on this summer, it would be fun stuff on the iPad or fun workbooks with lots of swimming and summer fun mixed in!  Really thankful for a good ending in that area.

I have realized quite a few things over the last six months or so and find myself understanding our "new life" with a new child more and more.

We've worked on some issues with her and Ashley, and they are becoming great friends and sisters with better expectations of each other.

I'm realizing some areas where she has struggled in the past, and trying to learn to understand it and help her more.

I feel less guilty when I'm not a perfect mom, and try to do my best realizing that God will take it and make it beautiful somehow.

I ask for His help more and more!  As I updated my prayer journal, I had a better list of what to pray specifically for her life because now I know her so much better!

She's doing tons better with the issue of lying, and I've been so proud of her for coming back and telling me the truth after she's messed up!  She has really asked God to help her with that, and He is!

I've learned that I am a little overprotective of her and really watch her relationships and how they affect her.  I'm much like a mom of a first-born or a mom of a newborn, and so want the best for her!

One of the biggest things I've learned is that we tend to go through times of being close and then times of disconnect and that is ok.  I just have to push through it.  It hit me that she may struggle to fully attach to me at times, and that's ok.

I've noticed that sometimes she's really quiet and that's ok - it's actually something Austin had hoped before adopting another girl :)!  We've got a girl that loves to talk, and they fit well together!

I realized that it's summer, and she's moved quite a few times in the summer so this is a really good time to remind her we are keeping her forever!

Last week I asked her how it's been for her living with us for almost a year now?  She said it's been really good and a lot different.  I asked what she meant.  She said this has been her best year because she knows Jesus, and it's helped so much.  I was like "wow, can't get a better answer than that!"  I told her it's also different because now she's with a family that will be her forever family . . she smiled and agreed.

It continues to be great seeing how she relates to all of us.  She loves when Dad is home, and he loves her so amazingly!  He's her protector and has lots of fun making her smile!  She sees me differently.  She tells me lots of things, loves to shop with me, knows I will tell her the truth about real life, and knows that while I will have to get on her at times, I love her like crazy!

Today, she turned 12 and we got to celebrate!  Last week we had her party with two of her girlfriends.  They swam, played with water balloons, decorated strawberries with chocolate and ate them (of course), played a fun family game of softball with a nerf ball and bat, watched a movie, had a sleep over, did their nails, and played some UNO Attack and volleyball.  It was the first time she's had a sleep over, and she loved it!  The girls were so much fun!  I realized it was my first "older girl" party, and they are super fun!  Today was her official birthday, so she got to pick what to eat so we went out for lunch and had her favorite "chicken fried rice" for dinner.  We went to Justice to spend a gift card she had received, and she loved it (definitely a happy shopper)!  Then some friends came over to her surprise, and we walked to Cold Stone for a birthday treat!  She was really thankful and I could tell she felt loved!  I can't believe how quickly she is growing up!

We are getting close to that point where she's been with us a whole year and I can't wait!  She will have memories with us from last year and know more of what to expect!  We are really praying for her finalization to take place soon!  It's getting harder to wait, and we are so hoping for the phone call that lets us know the last appeal is denied and we're moving forward!  Please pray with us for this - it will mean so much for her, so much to us!  She will officially be Aleeya Joy Butler, and I really believe it will bring her great security and peace.  This is our prayer!

One last note . . Ashley picked out a really perfect birthday card for Aleeya and the girls on the branch of the tree actually look like the two of them.  The words were so special, so I posted it on the side.  May want to take a look :).  The words are kinda small, but they read:

"Every girl
should be
lucky enough
to have a friend
she loves like a sister,

but I got even luckier . . .

I have a sister
I love like a friend."

The Past Three Months . . . March 30, 2012

The past three months have been very full . . . of so many different things.  Each time I considered blogging, it just didn't seem like the right time, or I just didn't have the energy to do it.  I'm feeling like I may be coming out of the time where I feel the need to blog so often, and I think I will just do updates here and there.  We'll see.

Our year started off a little different than I imagined!  I ended up in the ER in the very early morning of December 30th with some major stomach pain.  It ended up being something pretty major called a malrotated small intestine, and I had to have surgery the following morning to fix it.  God worked out all the details, but I would have to say it was a difficult time.  I ended up learning that my small intestines had been in the wrong place since birth, which makes this more likely to happen, and I could have either lost my small intestines and gotten a feeding tube or possibly died if I hadn't gone to the hospital in time.  As well, most of the time they catch this at birth, so there is not a lot of documented research on the Ladd's Procedure on adults that was done for me (my doctor had only performed it once before my case).  I have never had a real surgery, and learned that it takes quite a bit to bounce back from something like this (unlike the C-section I experienced with Ashley).  All this to say that my family went through many changes as well.  They were all super supportive and loving, and friends were a huge blessing as they helped our family.  I did not realize how this would affect Aleeya (didn't really plan on this one), but it affected her greatly!  All the kids were concerned, but she saw it much deeper.  She saw it as the possibility of losing another parent.  And I didn't have all my wits about me to know how to help her as much as I would have liked.  We ended up celebrating New Year's together at the hospital . . me with some water and them with some Sparkling Apple Cider a friend provided :).  This was my first time away from Aleeya, and it was not under the greatest circumstances.  When I returned, I needed quite a bit of rest as well.  During this time, I felt quite a bit of love and concern from her, but also a disconnect.  This lasted quite awhile, and it was hard.  I wasn't sure if it was because I didn't have the energy to give, or she had pulled back . . it was probably a bit of both.  We kept assuring her that God had provided great doctors, that I was going to be fine, and that we trusted God to take care of it all!  In the midst of all of this, the day I returned from the hospital Aleeya asked me if I still had the card and pictures from her birth mom.  I told her I did and she seemed fine with that.  About a week later, she asked to see them.  It had been a few weeks since we last looked at them, so I said that was fine and we looked at them together.  As we looked, she had some tears, and I told her that was normal and it was ok to cry.  Then she wanted to have some time alone with them.  About fifteen minutes later, she gave them back to me to store in a special place and seemed ok.  Well, over the next couple of weeks I noticed some marked differences in her.  Some sadness, some far off looks, and just differences.  I wasn't sure what to do about it, so I just watched and prayed.  I was continuing to heal.  It took about 4 weeks to get over being exhausted, and another 4 weeks to feel like my body was getting back to normal.  Three months out, my intestines are still trying to completely heal, but things are good and I'm thankful to be healthy.

All this to say that our relationship went through some tough times.  It was hard to know if it was from my being in the hospital, from her looking at the pictures, or something else?  There were times I didn't feel connected, and then I saw her not trying to do her part at home and school, and then we had some difficulties with lying once again.  As well, she continues to go through the process of growing up as an 11 year old, 5th grade girl.  Through it all, I have learned that even when my feelings of closeness aren't there, I still love her immensely, will fight for her, and am committed to her.  I'm trying to learn to not feel so guilty when the "feelings" aren't there and when I feel frustrated, and to know that it is a growing process.  It just takes continued time to love her the way I want to, the way Jesus would, the way I would if she had been with me the past 11 years.  We have had some tough conversations, some tough consequences, and some major prayer and seeking for answers.  Scott and I have decided that for now the card and pictures aren't a helpful thing in her life.  We have told her that we are going to hold onto them because it causes too much pain right now.  I'm not sure of when they will be available again to her, but know that she needs to continue to grieve in a healthy way.  This just adds too much extra baggage right now.  The good news is that after we go through these things, our relationship ends up being stronger for it all and I learn more about what's going on in her heart.

After dealing with the issue of lying, she asked me if I had ever asked Jesus into my heart more than once.  At first, I said that I hadn't, and then realized that I did!  When I was four, my parents said I accepted Jesus as my Savior, but I have no recollection of it.  Throughout my years growing up, I always questioned it and wondered if I really meant it if I couldn't remember it.  When I was 12, I had to know for sure that I had accepted Him personally.  So, although I could tell someone how to accept Christ myself, I had a leader lead me through many passages in the Bible, and I prayed and asked Jesus to be my Savior and Lord.  This brought such a close relationship with Him, and I knew I was His child.  Aleeya said that she felt like she needed to accept Him on her own.  She said that she felt like she didn't really understand it when she prayed with me after she had first come to our home, and she wanted to pray to Jesus on her own.  That night she did just that as Scott, Ashley, and I listened to a very sweet prayer.  I believe she prayed with me the first time because that is what it took to be a part of the "Butler family."  But this time, she was praying to be a part of "God's family."  When she finished praying, there was a sweet glow on her face and tears in her eyes.  I thanked God for allowing lying to bring her to a place of knowing her need for forgiveness.  She understands that she will still sin, but she knows her relationship with God is forever!

Scott was blessed to go to Israel at the end of February, and he was gone for 11 days . . overseas!  We have never been apart that long, never been overseas without each other, and I have never had four children by myself for that long.  I was quite teary the day before he left and couldn't figure out why.  While I encouraged him to go when the opportunity presented itself, I hadn't really prepared for all that it meant.  We ended up doing ok through it all, had a few tough times with stuff, but I was reminded of how much he brings security to our home and why God has made us one!  He was forever changed by the trip and got to show us pictures of the many places where Jesus walked.  It was great for all of us to see and learn!  Since he's been home, there have been times I've looked over to see him dancing ballroom style with Aleeya in the kitchen, or giving her a tight hug, or just picking on her for fun, and realized that he brings so much extra love to her life - it is awesome!   So thankful to have him for me and for our whole family!!!

Homework/School work - that has been the one thing that has really been difficult these past three months.  Something happened that made her not as apt to trying as before, or things got harder, or I'm not sure!!!  I've tried to figure it out, I've tried to encourage her, I've tried to be tough on her to make her want to try - it's just been difficult!  One day I had to go for a walk by myself so that I wouldn't go crazy on her.  I think I can tell when she's trying and when she's not, but sometimes I'm just not sure!  This adds to the guilt feeling - should I be so hard on her?  Maybe she is giving it her best and this is how it looks?  Maybe school work isn't as important as I make it?  Maybe it's just too much?  Maybe the past four years of school she hasn't really been able to learn because of poor school environments and teachers and foster families that didn't care as much?  I should just enjoy her and forget about it?  But somehow, that doesn't sound right.  Because I really care about her, I have to help her, have to encourage her to do her best, have to care.  And I really do!!  So, we keep working through it, learning as we go, and hoping that things will improve.  I would greatly appreciate prayer in this area!!!

We did have one major talk recently about her missing her mom and grandma, something that sometimes causes her to be not focussing at school.  She shared some personal thoughts about it all.  I asked her if she understands why she can't be with them, and she said no.  I could tell that has been confusing to her at times.  When she was looking at the pictures, they all look happy and everything looks great.  But I had to remind her of why she's not able to be with them.  I helped her to know that it wasn't her fault, that I know her birth mom loves her, but that she isn't able to care for her or any other child in the way she should.  This is a hard line to walk.  I don't want to be negative about her birth mom, but want Aleeya to see the truth.  One thing I am sure is that her birth mom must have a very sweet heart, because Aleeya has such a sweet and caring heart and I love that!  After we talked, she asked me to pray and as we hugged, I talked to Jesus about her sweet life and we prayed for her birth family.  It was a very special time!

Oh yeah, I forgot about how everything has worked out with the appeal process for her case.  We were waiting in January to hear if her birthparents had appealed the .26 hearing, which was the court hearing that took away their parental rights.  We knew that this was an appeal that almost always happened (because all they have to do is sign one paper, and pretty much every lawyer has them do it).  We had prayed that somehow it wouldn't happen in Aleeya's case . . that her birthparents would opt not to sign it and allow Aleeya to become part of a forever family since she is 11 and so needs to be stable.  But, our social worker said they had appealed.  I had so much faith that God could stop it, but He chose to allow it.  We also found out that there were two other appeals from the birth father that were holding things up, but they were from awhile ago and seemed insignificant to me.  Well, those two appeals were actually pretty huge, and could have held us up quite awhile I found out later.  When we found all this out, we couldn't figure out how to tell Aleeya so we kept it to ourselves.  This past week, we got some AMAZING news, and on a day we so needed some great news!  The two former appeals have been denied and we are only waiting for the .26 appeal to be denied!  These are the "normal" appeals and things are looking good for us to finalize this year!  Please join us in praying that they get denied quickly, that somehow they get moved to the top of the pile, and that we get to finalize as quickly as possible!!!  We had a special dinner where Aleeya got a special plate and we celebrated this news!  We are hoping for a miracle, and would love to finalize this summer!!!  God knows!

Thanks for caring for our family and for your prayers . . . thanks so much!

Our Christmas Season . . . ButlerBunch Style! . . . December 30, 2011

Well, we had a wonderful Christmas time . . . very full and quite busy, such is the life of a worship pastor's family, but I wouldn't have it any other way!  We truly get to celebrate His birthday in huge ways!  Grant it, there are times that I miss my husband or would like to just sit in front of a fire or go to the mountains and enjoy the snow, but this is the life God has picked out for us and overall, it's a pretty awesome life!

Over this past weekend, Scott had 6 Christmas services at church called "Hallelujah Emmanuel," and they were awesome!  In the past, I have tried to attend most of the services and be there to greet people and just to encourage my husband and be a part of his life, but this year I decided to not try to push all of us and just attend one with the family.  And then I attended one to welcome people while the kids went home with some friends.  Aleeya had never been a part of anything like this, and she really enjoyed it!  We were able to sit with close friends, so that made it fun for all the kids!

Then on Monday night, the choir that my husband leads had an amazing opportunity to sing at the Gallo Center with a well-known Christian group called "Point of Grace."  We were blessed to be able to go and watch from the side stage.  It was super fun to see the excitement of the choir, watch Austin sing his heart out to God, meet and get pictures with "Point of Grace," and just be a part of an amazing time of worship!  We all got dressed up too (with hair and a little lip gloss for the girls), which made it all the more exciting!  Aleeya seemed a little "star struck" with the group, and I took the time to remind her that they are people just like us and that they are just using the gifts God gave them.  We've noticed she often gets this way with "famous" people.  We really want her to know that the only famous One is God Himself, and He's the only one we should put on a pedestal.  She's starting to understand.  We also noticed that getting all dressed up was a big deal for her!  She really enjoyed it and seemed to want others to notice how pretty she looked.  I wasn't prepared for this and didn't know how to respond.  It is probably somewhat normal, could be because she had never been so dressed up, and could have just been excitement.  But later I tried to help her understand that while it's fun to dress up and we like to look nice to go to special events, it's really not about how we look.  Once we leave the house, our focus needs to be on others and enjoying them.  I realized that while the other three kids have been dressing up and going to special events basically from birth, she had not had this experience and it was really new for her.

On Tuesday, we had to go to the dentist for Aleeya.  She had gone and had a check-up a months or so before, and I was so sad and frustrated to hear that she had 8 small cavities!  That's a lot of cavities!!!  I realized that this was something I took for granted . . . the idea that someone had shown her how to brush her teeth along the way and that she was doing it correctly each day.  I made sure she was brushing, but didn't really show her.  So, I made sure the dental hygienist showed her how to brush correctly and then I began helping her and checking on her as she brushed.  Well, she was a trooper!!!  She was very nervous about going, but all the kids told her how much they love our dentist and how it doesn't even hurt when they've had fillings done.  Our dentist was very kind and understanding!  I asked him if it was possible to do them all in a day (or would that be way too much for her to handle), or would we have to make more visits (just prolonging the inevitable).  Thankfully, because they were all small, he said he thought it would be possible to do them all in a day if she could handle it.  Also, he only had to numb her for one tooth, and he gave her a break in the middle of it all.  She squeezed my hand like crazy during the shot and her eyes filled up with tears.  I'm pretty sure it was more out of fear than actual pain, but it was still really sad to watch.  She did great and we made it out alive :)!

The kids got to serve at the Modesto Gospel Mission that Wednesday, helping kids make gingerbread houses and serving lunch.  They loved it and I was glad they could be a part!

We celebrated Christmas on the 23rd as planned since Scott would be at church so much over the weekend.  It was really wonderful!  It was Aleeya's first experience with a Christmas filled with Christian themes, and she seemed to love it!  We woke up semi-early and read the Christmas story together.  Then we opened presents one at a time - youngest to oldest.  Aleeya's big gift was a Ripster and she was thrilled!  We also had a total blessing from God in getting her another gift she really wanted.  While at the dentist earlier that week, he asked what she really wanted for Christmas, and she said an outfit from Justice!  I knew she liked this outfit, but it was ridiculously expensive and would have been her main gift!  Well, I went in to get another gift that week and just checked on the outfit to see how much it would cost with their discounts.  Guess what?!  It was on clearance and I was able to get it for like $25-$30 - God so gives us the desires of our heart!  When she opened it, she was so happy and it was fun to be able to get it for her!  We had a big breakfast and a nice family dinner later that afternoon in the dining room.  I found that I had a rather rough day.  I ended up feeling like I had worked really hard (purchasing and wrapping all the gifts, getting food prepared, making sure things were just right), and then as I cooked all day, I felt grumpy.  I was hoping for some help from the kids, or at least some happy and willing responses when I needed help, but wasn't getting it.  Thankfully, Scott was very calm and Austin really tried to help out, which helped me come back to normal.  I so didn't want to ruin this special time together!  At dinner, we went around the table and asked what everyone's favorite gift was, and I loved the responses!  Austin loved that we were giving a gift to "Jesus" by filling a stocking to help kids in need, and Aleeya said a little Precious Moments Angel we got her that plays "Joy to the World."  No, not the Ripster or the outfit she was dying for, but this little trinket we had found that I almost didn't get but that seemed special since it played a song with her middle name in it!  We had sung it when we first picked out her new name, and Scott sang, "Aleeya Joy to the World!" and we all laughed.  Pretty fun and pretty amazing this was what she picked!  Later that night, we watched a movie together and just relaxed as a family - always a special time!

Christmas Eve was filled with 3 services for Scott, so we attended the last one and then all went out to dinner at Red Lobster (a family tradition because we are usually exhausted by then and because we all love the cheese biscuits)!  We met some sweet friends there and really enjoyed our time!  We woke up the next morning and the kids opened their stockings and we headed to a special Christmas Day service at church.  Scott actually got to be home for quite a bit in the morning, so that was nice.  The kids got dressed up once again, and I'd have to say it was one of my all-time favorite services!  Very relaxed, all of us in one spot, everyone so happy to be there, and it just felt good!  We sat with some special friends, and Aleeya sat at my side.  As we sang, there was a special closeness, and she leaned her head on my shoulder quite a few times.  It really was an amazing morning.  Later, we headed to some really close friends to have a nice dinner together and just hang, which was great fun and really helped make the day perfect!  I think it helped to keep Aleeya's mind busy (in case she would be missing her birth family), and she seemed to have a great day.

As the busy week ended, we thanked God that things went so smoothly.  We know that sometimes these special days can be hard and wondered how Aleeya would do being with her new family, new traditions, and new life.  We wondered if there would be sadness, a disconnect, or even acting out on Christmas, but God had taken us through it very smoothly.  We were so thankful!  We had a great Christmas . . . ButlerBunch style :)!

A Christmas Card from her Birth Mom . . . December 20, 2011

When Aleeya's social worker came in December, she brought a card with her from Aleeya's birth mom.  I was surprised to get it, but also pretty excited because it had pictures that I had so desperately wanted to have for Aleeya . . and for me.  It had pictures of her birth mom and grandma.  I had so wanted to see what they looked like for my own curiosity, and I had really longed for Aleeya to have them to keep so she would be able to remember.  It seemed really important to me!

In fact, I had kinda started this whole thing by having Aleeya write her mom a note before the .26 hearing and asking Aleeya's social worker to ask her birth mom for pictures.  But when we got the card, I was a little baffled to know what the best thing to do was.  Her social worker said it might be good to show her after Christmas.  Scott and I felt like it would be better to show her before Christmas since there's often a natural let down after Christmas.  Then we wondered should we even be giving this to her right now . . . how would it affect her, would it be too hard, would it create an awful sadness and grieving?  We talked and prayed and then talked with our agency, and they helped us to see that this would be good closure for her.  We decided that we should do it before Christmas so she would know her birth mom had been thinking of her.

Grant it . . . there are a lot of opposing thoughts on this subject, and most social workers will have a different opinion.  In the end, we had to decide for our family and our 11 year old girl.  It was a really tough thing to decide, but we felt this was best for us.

So, on the Tuesday before Christmas, I had Aleeya come into my room and showed her the card.  She seemed very happy to receive it.  We looked at the pictures together and she read the card.  The card was very sweet and my favorite thing that it said was that "as long as Aleeya was happy, she would be happy."  I felt this was huge!  She was giving permission for Aleeya to be happy, even in her new life.  She told her she loved her and thought of her all the time.  Aleeya's favorite part was that she said she was praying for her . . . she seemed happy she was praying.  Aleeya always seems to care deeply about how her mom is doing, and she was glad to know she was praying.

After we looked together for awhile, Aleeya wanted to spend some more time looking at them.  I told her I would give her some time by herself and come check on her later.  I had a little photo album to put the pictures in, so we went into Aleeya's room to do that.  I headed downstairs and gave her a few minutes.  As I came back up to check on her, she had some tears and I asked if she was ok.  She said she was fine, and that she was just glad her mom was praying for her.  She said she was happy.  I told her it was ok to be sad and miss her birth mom, and I understood.  We hugged.  I told her that she could hold on to everything for a couple of days and then we would put them in a special place to keep them nice.  I felt like if she could look at them each day, it would create too much sadness and a longing that couldn't be fulfilled.  And of course, Ashley wanted to see them too!

She asked if she could write her mom a letter back, which I wasn't really prepared to answer.  At first I thought she should be able to, and then I realized that the court had taken away the birth parents rights for a reason and this would not be healthy for her.  Thankfully, I was able to think quickly and told her that this was the last letter she would have.  This was a time for closure.  We later worked through her understanding of why the courts had made this decision and what that meant for her.  After a few days, I told her we should probably put the card and pictures in a special place but that she could see them again in the future.

This was new territory for me, and I found that it wasn't anything I was prepared to understand.  And yet, it seemed to go well and we seemed to be navigating it as best we could.  I was thankful she seemed happy and not overwhelmed with sadness.  I was really glad to have these picture for her as a keepsake.  I was also glad we could go through it together.  We would have to see how to handle things as time continued.

Learning to give you all of me . . . December 20, 2011

In the past month, I keep hearing a song on the radio that makes me stop, listen, identify with, and then sing passionately (now I didn't say it sounds really good, but is definitely sung with great heart).  I wasn't really sure what it was about at first, but somehow parts of it so felt like it was for me . . . my feelings for Aleeya and the relationship that began in June of this year.  I know I tend to list a lot of songs, but this one keeps touching me in so many ways.  Here it is . . .

All of Me

Afraid to love something that could break
Could I move on if you were torn away?
I’m so close to what I can’t control
Can’t give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole

You’re gonna have all of me
You’re gonna have all of me
You’re worth every falling tear
You’re worth facing any fear

You’re gonna know all my love
Even if it’s not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I’ll start

I won’t let sadness steal you from my arms
I won’t let pain keep you from my heart
I’ll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I’ll share with you

Heaven brought you to this moment
It’s too wonderful to speak
You’re worth all of me
You’re worth all of me

Let me recklessly love you
Even if I bleed
You’re worth all of me
You’re worth all of me


I did some research on this song, and it was written by Matt Hammitt of Sanctus Real.  He wrote it for his unborn son at the time.  They had learned that he would be born with half a heart and need surgery soon after birth.  He was afraid to love, afraid to hurt.  Ends up, their little Bowen is doing very well a year later and is really cute!  You can check him out on bowensheart.com.

The part of this that I find myself relating to is underlined.  There are so many times I've felt like I have no control.  I remember not knowing if and when she would come to our home, there's the not knowing when it will all be finalized and how she will end up feeling about all of this (much later in life).  There's the wondering if our love is enough and can fix the hurt in her life.  There's the fear of loving her so much and not knowing if she will feel fully loved and fully secure . . . something I had never really considered with my other three kids.  There's the knowing I need to and want to give all my love to her, but not knowing if it's actually happening.  That one is really hard to face some days.

Then there is the joy of knowing Heaven brought her to our family, to this moment, to be a part of our lives that is truly too wonderful to speak!  And there's the part of me that knows I will recklessly love her even if it hurts . . . and this is a good place.

These are some of the things I know so many adoptive families feel, and I am just one.  I pray that our love will be reckless for these children God has brought into our lives, even when it's difficult, even when we don't understand things.  Yes, my prayer for sweet Aleeya is that she will know all my love, but even more, all of His love . . .

Preparing for Christmas . . . December 15, 2011

As we prepare for Christmas, here are some of the ways our life is shaping up:

Our Christmas shopping was a little different this year as I took each of the kids out separately.  We used to be able to sneak it in together, but they are getting too smart for that, and this worked out great as it gave me special time with each of them.  It was fun to see them find special items for their siblings and get so excited about it!

Another change needed to happen this year since we have only five stockings, and they're kinda special ones that I found at Ross one year (in other words, not ones you see normally).  So, since Scott and I really don't care about having stockings and usually have a hard time filling them for each other anyhow, the kids thought it would be neat to make the center stocking for Jesus this year.  They are filling it with a gift of money to be used for a special gift to World Help for children/adults in need.  Once they all contribute, they are going to pick out what they'd like to give from a catalog they sent us - thinks like Bibles for China, or a drinking well, or harvest-producing seeds to plant, or bedding for a child.  The really cool thing is there is already $90 in there and that came from only two of them (from small allowances and money from Nana & Pop Pop for grades and to spend for Christmas).  God has really opened their hearts to caring for others this year and I am so proud of them.  If you're interested in helping too, you can go to worldhelp.net/giftsofhope.

One other fun thing is that a couple of months ago, I took Aleeya shopping for some fall/winter clothes.  While we were out, she saw the pretty Christmas dresses and wanted to try some on while we were there.  I said "sure," but that we would wait until later to decide if we would buy one (they are kinda expensive).   As time moved on, finances were really tight and I didn't know if she would really care.  Well, she mentioned it again and my heart said that it would be really good for her to get dressed up for Christmas!  And she wanted to match Ashley, so it would be cute to see the two of them matching as we went to our special Christmas events.  Well, I went to find them kinda late in the season, and they were all gone.  After going to a couple of stores, calling the online store, and finding one that I didn't think would fit, we found both dresses and on great sales (which took away the guilt factor).  For our girl that says she's a tomboy, she is going to be a beautiful young lady this Christmas and my heart is full!

Tonight, I went outside to find Alec playing basketball and the two girls laying in the front yard looking up at the stars and singing "Silent Night."  Alec came over to me and told me how they were really struggling to find a good key, but all I saw was pure awesomeness!  Loved that they were worshipping together under the heaven He made.  When they came in, they told me they saw a shooting star - weird thing is we've seen like five this year and I've only seen like one or two my whole life - love that God did that for them!  And yes, they did make a wish :)!

We are all very excited that tomorrow it is the last day (half day actually) of school and are looking forward to Christmas break!  More traditions to be made, some fun family times to be had, and relaxed time in between all the Christmas performances at church.  We are going to get to serve at the Modesto Gospel Mission, which will be a huge blessing and are really excited about this upcoming big weekend at church celebrating with five special services!  Then on Monday night, Scott will be directing our choir (and Austin is in it for the first time), who is backing up Point of Grace.  Then next weekend, our church will have three Christmas Eve services, and one service on Christmas Day!  It will be really special to attend together as a family!

We've decided to do some of our family traditions on the 23rd (gifts and Christmas dinner) so we can enjoy really worshipping and celebrating His birthday on Sunday.  We'll save the stockings and maybe one special gift for Christmas day, but want it to be a relaxing, joyful time.  Hoping it works out well, and thankful that we get to celebrate in so many special ways!  Today, I was really struck by how special Christmas really is - it's a day we celebrate the fact that God sent a Savior (a baby) into our world . . to save us from our sins.  So thankful for this Truth!

Our First Thanksgiving Together . . . December 9, 2011

We tried to go into our first Thanksgiving together with happiness and excitement, yet wondered if she would feel the same or if it might be difficult to go through the holidays.  I didn't know what to expect exactly, but really wanted her to experience our traditions and wanted to care about any traditions she might have as well.  One way we did this was by asking if there were certain things she would like to have at our Thanksgiving dinner (feast) - turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, creamed corn, homemade apple sauce, fresh green beans, green bean casserole (because too many like that too), cranberries, rolls, etc - basically a ridiculous amount of food for one family, but great for lots of leftovers.  She said raspberries, which was a first for me, and yams.  I then proceeded to ask her how she liked the yams; you know - baked, candied, with marshmallows on top, etc.  She surprised me on this one too and said they were like french fries.  So, I went shopping and was quite surprised and happy to find those in the frozen section!  We added them to the list.  While the raspberries will probably stay each year, the "sweet potato french fries" didn't seem like that great of a hit so we may toss that one?

The other three kids kept telling her how much fun this weekend would be - Thanksgiving day with the feast and movie night with friends, followed by putting up Christmas decorations the next day.  They love it!  Well, Thanksgiving morning came and we had a nice breakfast and then we all watched some of the parade, mixed with lots of football as we cooked.  The strange thing was that we kept looking for Aleeya.  She is normally hanging with us, but we kept finding her in her room reading a book.  She had been reading more than usual lately, but this seemed a little strange on Thanksgiving Day.  I didn't want her to feel like it was wrong to want to be alone, and wanted her to have the freedom to do that if she needed to, so I just checked on her in between cooking.  I felt kinda bad that I was so busy cooking, but wasn't sure how to handle it.  Finally, Austin asked where she was and I told him she was reading.  It was really cool because he said I'm going to get her so we can play some games, and he did.  It was great!  Next thing we knew they were all playing games and hanging out!

We planned to just have our family for dinner like we often do on Thanksgiving, since it's the last time off we have as a family before the all the Christmas rehearsals and performances begin (the life of a worship pastor's family).  Sometimes we invite people over, but we really wanted her to be at the table with us, and we only have six chairs around our dining room table.  We also wanted her to experience it with just family this year!  As we sat to eat, she was surprised by all the food.  Later she said that she had never had a big Thanksgiving meal like that.  We went around the table asking everyone what they were thankful for this year.  All of us mentioned having Aleeya with us in some form and she smiled sweetly.  I loved her answer because she talked about Jesus and her family.  It was a special time and I think she needed to hear how thankful we were for God bringing her to us!

Later that night, we went to the home of some great friends to watch a Christmas movie and have popcorn. She spent most of the time leaning on my shoulder and cuddling during the movie.  I am so thankful that she's not shy about needing love and just snuggles up!  I was so thankful for that down time to do just that!

The next day involved getting out all the containers of Christmas stuff we've collected over the years.  We had our Christmas music playing loudly and our santa hats on (I made sure we bought an extra this year)!  The other three kids loved showing her all the special memories, and she seemed to enjoy it.  But I felt a sadness that she had no memories in those bins.  Our kids get an ornament each year to put on the tree (something that reminds them of that year - a new sport or something they enjoy), and she didn't have an ornament.  We also do a tree with all the kids homemade ornaments, and I was SO thankful that she had recently been to a birthday party where she had made an ornament with her initial "A."  It was awesome to see that the kids had her put that ornament right in the middle of the tree!  We tried to make her feel very included and a part of the day, but I had a sadness, a loss of her past.  There were a few things she did that showed me that she felt sad as well.

While we usually have another movie night at home that night, some friends had given us tickets to go to see a hockey game.  So we put on our santa hats and off we went.  This was a great outing, especially since it was a new thing we got to do together!  She really enjoyed it and we shared lots of smiles and laughs!

That night, Scott and I decided that we needed to go out the next morning together and get our ornaments for this year!  The first one we found was hers - I saw an Orca whale and showed her, and that was it!  We also found a dragonfly and an ornament that said "Joy" (her middle name) with a bell on it for our family ornaments (Scott and me) this year.  When we put them on the tree, things seemed much more complete!  And yes, her orca is right in the middle and happens to be the most noticeable one on the tree!

Throughout the weekend, I definitely noticed some small sad patches, but overall, things went really well and I think we were all happy to have her feel a part of our family traditions.  We talked about how next year, these things will feel like her traditions as well.  I'm finding that I am really big on fairness, and so want her to feel as important as every other child in our family.  So . . . we are planning to go out after Christmas (when the really great sales hit) and look for 10 other ornaments for her to add to our tree next year (remembering her past and redeeming it)!  We are so thankful for God's goodness to us and thankful for our first Thanksgiving together!

Later, a paper came home that she had written at school about "Being Thankful."   Here are a few excerpts from our girls' heart:
"I love Jesus Christ more than anything in the world."
"I imagine Jesus being handsome, funny and nice."
"I am so thankful for Jesus Christ to forgive me for my sins and for everything bad I've done."
"I imagine Jesus and God being honest and funny."
"Remember, He's coming down here some day."
"Jesus, God and the Bible are really special to me."
"The Bible will help anybody to tell the truth."
"My family is great, they are all I can ask for."
I was amazed at her understanding and love for God and was thrilled to read her insights!  Sometimes, I think she gets it all better than I do.  Love her faith and her love for Him and for us!  Just had to share it :).

Over the past couple of weeks since Thanksgiving, Scott and I have realized that we have "our Aleeya" back!  By this I mean that the sadness is gone, the tension is gone, we don't seem to be bumping heads, and we are just enjoying our time together.  She's smiling, joyful, attentive doing homework, thanking me for helping her, and relaxed.  We still have the normal sibling stuff at times . . helping them to get along and be kind, but I'd have to say that even that is going pretty well!  She's fitting in so well, and I think we all feel more and more like a family!  What a blessing - we are going to enjoy these times!