Our Second Vacation Together . . . July 29, 2012

This year, we left town together . . with Aleeya . . as a family to head to our annual vacation!  Each year for the past six years, we have been completely blessed to house sit for a family in Half Moon Bay for two weeks while they fly off to Hawaii.  It was especially great to head back to the same place this year, since this was our first official memory as a family of 6 last year!

Since we had just moved only a few weeks prior, it was great to be able to get away and relax some, yet hard to leave our new place a little because we were still getting used to it.  Either way, we needed a break from the normal "stuff of life," and I definitely felt a need for rest as I had been working extra hard to get things in order.  I knew that once we returned from vacation, we only had a week until school would begin.  

We did our normal stuff - we made a vacation mix for the ipods of our favorite songs from the year, packed our summer and winter clothes since it's often really cold in HMB, loaded up our beach stuff and luggage, and prayed together from our respective vehicles before pulling out.  These were things that were new for Aleeya, but after that, everything would be something we had already done once before :).  I was so glad to be at this point!  We needed to have memories, and make more memories!  This was a really good thing.

While we were glad this year would be different, I think it affected her differently than we imagined.  Last year, the entire two weeks were centered on her . . trying to get to know her, caring for her every need, etc., but this year she was part of our family.  She had been looking forward to vacation and talking about it all year.  But this year, she brought luggage in like everyone else.  I could see her struggling with it some, and I kinda realized that this was a hard thing for a 12 year old.  Her memories of last year were great for many reasons!  As well, she was still working through some of the "stuff" of realizing that things were finalizing and wondering about her birth family.  

Don't get me wrong, we were having a great time at the beach doing our normal "vacation stuff," but there was a tension and quietness that made me sad.  After about a week, I felt like I needed to take her out for a lunch together, just the two of us (Scott and I both took 2 of our kids out to lunch at separate times to just be with them by ourselves).  I had mentioned that I wanted to talk to her before we left for vacation, and she had been waiting more than I realized for this time.  I knew we needed to talk through the things I read in her files on adoptive placement day.  I wanted to see how much of it she knew, wondered about, saw differently, and what she needed clarity on.  It seemed like this was the best time to talk since we were more relaxed and the beach offered extra peace and time to talk.  With the view of the ocean in site, we spent about 2 hours talking through things, and she had many tears flowing freely from her eyes.  I told her about reading through her files and shared as many details as possible to be sure she understood her past.  She asked a lot of questions and I answered the best I could.  At the end of our time together, I told her she had a choice . . a choice of how she wanted to view all of this.  I told her she could see it as a hard thing that happened to her (because it was a hard thing) and dwell on that, or she could view it as God protecting her and having a plan for her life, one that involved knowing Him.  I also told her how sad it is when we see her "go somewhere" and not really be "with us."  It was happening a lot on vacation.  I told her that I was there for her when she had questions arise or needed to talk, but that I was hoping and praying that she would be able to enjoy her present!  I really believe that God and her birth family would want her to enjoy the gift of today!  I asked if she had ever been able to work through her past, and she said no one had really gone over it all and helped her.  I told her we are committed to helping her deal with it all in a healthy way.  I also asked her if vacation this year was hard because she wasn't the center of attention.  She agreed that it was, and I told her that I love her very much but that each of the kids in our family are special and all deserve attention.  There are times that I feel like she needs and deserves so much more from me, and asked her to let me know if she's needing more time with me and I will try to make it happen.  Something about getting that out seemed to help a little.  This is the tough stuff of having four kids . . . and one of them that has only been with you a year and is twelve!

She continued to struggle throughout the next couple of days, and asked a few more questions, but each day became a little bit better and I could see some of the weight lifting.  Austin was with us for the first week of vacation, but left to go to Hume Lake during the second week.  This changed the dynamics of our family a bit and we missed him.  She was thrilled to get to go to a Giants game with Scott and Alec while we were close by to San Francisco, and since they are her favorite team, she had a blast!  She had never been to a professional game, so it was a special treat provided to us by our friends that lived there and happen to have season tickets!  It allowed Ashley and I to have some special time together as well, and she told me how much she liked just the two of us being together . . a lot!  I realized Ashley's been missing our special times for awhile, and this was really good!

As well, we got to celebrate "Gotcha Day" as it's called on July 24th!  This date marked the one year anniversary of the day she joined our family!  We decided to go to Santa Cruz and enjoy the beach and the boardwalk since it's one of her favorite spots!  But before we left the house, we gave her a special gift!  I had been trying to figure out what to do to make the day special, and I found these really neat "Individuality Beads" that you could put on a bracelet.  I had prayed for God to show me exactly what to get and thought about something like this because I wanted to be able to add to the gift each year, and there it was right as I walked into the first store I tried, Kohl's!!  And, it was on a major sale which was even better - I love sales!!!  Anyhow, we got her a black tweed bracelet and two charms to put on it.  One was a heart that said "Family" and the other was a bead that said "Faith."  When we presented it to her, I told her that this past year she had received two things that would never leave her, a forever family and her faith in God.  I could tell she really liked it!  We were excited because we could also add to it at her finalization!  She wore it happily that day, although we had to take it off at the beach :).

We returned from vacation with thankful hearts, new memories, and more understanding.  We were excited to be beginning our second year together and were so looking forward to finalization!   It was now time to unpack and get settled back in before school would begin!  

Adoptive Placement Day . . . July 10, 2012

It was finally happening . . . the day we would go into Family Connections Christian Adoptions (our agency) and sign Adoptive Placement forms.  I remembered seeing these forms for other families when I worked at FCCA, and I would put them in their files.  I knew it was a good thing and families usually finalized soon after.  Other than that, this was something we hadn't heard much about and no one really gave us any hints about what to expect of this day.  All I knew was that we were to meet our social worker and Aleeya's social worker and sign some paperwork that would put us in the legal status as adoptive parents, rather than foster parents, of our girl!  While everyone in the room knew that this was the plan all along, the state would now formally recognize us in this role!

During the weeks prior, we had been talking with Aleeya about all of this and trying to help her know that we understood that this was exciting for her, but also hard as she realized that her birth mom was no longer trying or able to try to get her back.  We thought she already knew that there was no way this could happen, but when the appeals were denied, I guess the finality of it all really hit her.  We tried to re-assure her that her birth mom did still love her, but that the state had decided that she needed another home.  We talked about some of the details as best as we knew and as best as she could remember and tried to work through it some more.  I could tell she was hurting inside, and I didn't know how long she would need to work through it all.  We were still going through many days of not feeling like she was really "with us."  Her mind seemed to be somewhere else and I so longed for her to come back.

This was a rather unique week that we were able to go and sign the Adoptive Placement papers as she was attending "Kids Campus" at our church (a form of Vacation Bible School).  This event was even more special because a year prior, we had her for a weekend visit and she had come with us to the end of the last day of "Kids Campus."  I remember that day well!  This was her first year attending, and she was a little bit nervous at first.  But she really enjoyed it, and it was fun to realize that we were starting to get to the point where she had been a part of our family for a year and was starting to do things "again" with us.  It felt really great!

On Tuesday, July 10th, we met and for about an hour went over the paperwork, signed things, and talked with our wonderful social workers.  They were so good at explaining everything.  For some reason, Aleeya's social worker had said the meeting would go about three hours, but our agency felt like an hour was more than enough time.  We weren't sure what to expect.  After most of the papers were signed, Aleeya's social worker told us that she was going to allow us to look through all of Aleeya's files for the next two hours and write down whatever we'd like.  She was already giving us a notebook filled with information for us to take home, but this would give more details into her life.  We later learned from our social worker that he had never seen this happen before.  We were not allowed to copy anything or take anything, but we could read and write details down.

Now, I have to tell you that there were about 5 very large files full of information.  I had previously heard that many families don't feel the need to know about their child's past.  I wondered if that was how I should handle this.  But I felt a huge need to know and understand her past . . . for her.  She had questions that needed answers.  I needed to be able to work through the details when they surfaced and re-surfaced in her mind.  And with what we were seeing going on in her mind recently, I knew that this time was a gift from God.  As I began reading through (and I tend to be thorough), I begged God to help me read what I needed and skip what I didn't.  By the end of the two hours, I had gone through each of the files and written down some important details.  I wanted to know her birth family's birthdays.  I wanted to see any and all health records from her birth mom and dad.  I especially wanted to understand the day she was taken from her birth family and placed in foster care.  It was important for me to read the things her birth mom did to get her back and the desire she had for her.  These were things Aleeya needed to know!  There were many things we were able to learn, and there was also much that wasn't in the files.  But I was thankful for that time God allowed for us.   And I knew that there was much that we would need to share with Aleeya to help her really understand her past.  I wondered if she had ever really been able to work through it entirely or if she had kept things hidden somewhere with just bits and pieces of information that she tried to figure out.  One of the most interesting things for us as we read was that the day Aleeya was taken from her birth family was on our wedding anniversary, December 18, 2008.  I wondered where we were and what we did that night.  I wondered if the thought had come to my mind that night that we would someday adopt.  Some would say coincidence, but it was a special nugget to us!

I also left burdened.  While we had been told much of the information at the disclosure meeting about a year prior (before ever meeting Aleeya), there was something about reading everything again that made it more real this time . . I guess because now I know her, know her well.  I think I tend to go into denial about issues when they are too hard for me to understand, and perhaps Aleeya does that some too.  But reading it, and knowing that no one wants to remove a child from their home, and just seeing it in print and following the story, my heart was sad.  Sad for Aleeya, sad for her birth sister, sad for her birth mom, sad for her birth family . . . And yet I saw that God had protected Aleeya, loved her dearly, and has a great plan for her life . . . one that includes Him in her life!

And so, this Adoptive Placement Day was very special for so many reasons.  We were able to decide if we would want to know if her birth mom had any other babies . . in case they would need a home . . and I was kinda happily amazed that we both said we would want to know.  We were able to understand so much more of her story to hopefully help her piece things together in the future.  We were able to understand our girl a little bit better to hopefully be better parents.  And we finally had a legal document with her new name on it, Aleeya Joy Butler!!!

A Big Week . . . June 29, 2012

So much has happened since Aleeya's birthday party . . . and life is exciting, crazy, and a bit of a whirlwind.  And in it all, we have seen God's hand with us.

On June 18th, we had one of our monthly social workers' visits, and out of the blue, Aleeya's social worker mentioned that one of the appeals had been denied and the other was due to be denied any day.  She actually went on my computer to check as she thought it would be denied that day.  We had no idea this was happening and were shocked and in awe!  We truly thought it might take another 6 months or so from what everyone was telling us, but our God is bigger than that!  We had been praying for so long, and God was answering!  The next day, June 19th, we got a call from our social worker letting us know that life was about to get easier.  He confirmed that all the appeals had been denied and we could move into "Adoptive Placement."  This is when you know it's about to finalize and she's yours for sure!  Up to this point, we were in "Placement," but it's not quite the same.  We were now considered adoptive parents by the state.  While we knew everything would eventually work out because our adoption agency only works with the children that are freed to be adopted, there's just something about knowing . . for us and for Aleeya!  When we told her, she looked very happy!  She got to tell her brothers and sister herself, and it was really fun!  We celebrated that night!

During this particular week, we had some other stuff going on as well.  We were moving . . . did I mention that?  Two days after we found out the appeals were denied, it was moving day.  It was something that happened rather quick, and we were moving to another home at the other end of our neighborhood, but still we were moving.  While it's a lot on any family to move, and all of our kids went through some of the normal emotions about missing our current home and all the memories, it was really hard on Aleeya.  Because of how quickly our house sold, I didn't really have time to process how this would affect her until it was actually happening.  And then, I was just so busy with the move that I had a hard time working with it all.  For Aleeya, no matter how nice the new house was, no matter how great it was that her and Ashley would not have to have bunk beds and could finally put both of their beds on the ground, no matter how great of a family memory we could make in the process, a move just did not settle well.  She had moved every year for the past 3 years.  She had moved quite a bit in Saipan as well.  And summer was the time when for the past 3 years, she would normally move to a new family and a new school, so all of this just made her feel very concerned, sad, and contemplative.  At first, I couldn't figure out what the problem was and we were kinda frustrated, and then it hit us.  This was REALLY hard on her.  I remember re-assuring her that everything would move with us, that we were moving together as a family, that it would be fun, but she just didn't buy into it.  We all lived through it, but it was a rough time.

I later realized that there was a lot going on in her heart, not just about the move but about life.  While she was excited to get adopted and move forward, there was a sadness that things were becoming final.  For her, that meant that she wouldn't see her birth family again, that they wouldn't re-unite, that her birth mom had stopped trying to get her back, and all of this brought questions and hurt.  I don't think any of us expected all of these feelings to come rushing in, but I remember the day it finally occurred to me that some of this could be an issue, and I felt so sad.  Scott and I had been frustrated with her lack of enthusiasm and ability to want to help during the move; we were needing her to be "with us," and she seemed so far off.  As we kept trying to figure it out, I finally thought through what might be going on inside her head and heart.  When we talked, she said that she was feeling all of these things, and I had to ask forgiveness for not being very understanding.

The following week, we tried to get her together with some friends and that seemed to really help.  I think it made life a little more normal in the midst of it all.  I worked like crazy trying to get the house to feel like "home."  The girls room became one of my first rooms to conquer as I so wanted them to feel at ease.  But even Ashley would end up in tears at times because she couldn't find something.  I think all of us girls aren't crazy about change.  Austin and Alec were struggling some too because they weren't doing the normal "fun summer stuff" like their friends.  As much as I tried to get everyone to do some fun things, it just didn't seem to be enough.  We were all so tired and I think we could have really used a "normal summer," one without a lot of adjusting like last summer (when we added our sweet girl to our family).  It was hard on this Mama for sure!  While trying to get everything settled, I could feel the kids emotions and had some of those emotions within myself, but I had to trust in God.  The strange thing is how much I felt at home here.  It was different, yes, and I couldn't always find things in the kitchen, but I felt comfortable and at home.  In the end, I knew God would help us if we relied on Him for strength.

As we talked through things with Aleeya, things seemed to get a little better, but she still didn't seem to be "with us," at least not fully.  We talked some about her past, about some hurts, about forgiveness, and about attachment issues.  I told her we so wanted to love her completely and sometimes didn't know how.  I told her about the song "All of Me," and how we were wanting to give her all of us, even if it wasn't enough.  That seemed to really speak to her.  We talked about her love language some as well, and she was great about being able to tell me what made her feel loved, so we would begin working at that as we so desperately wanted her to feel loved and knew that she needed it.  All in all, we would just have to be patient and wait for her to work through things.  Sometimes it's hard to wait, but God seemed to be teaching us that a lot lately.

During this time, God brought an amazing song to me called "Steady My Heart" by Kari Jobe:

Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy
Why is pain a part of us
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much

But You're here
You're real
I know I can trust You

Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart
You steady my heart

I'm not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand
Each and every moment
What's good and what gets broken
Happens just he way that You plan

And I will run to You
You're my refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
Cause of everything You are

You steady my heart
You steady my heart

Our Girl is 12! . . . June 10, 2012

Well, it's officially summer at our home and that is a great thing!  It means a break from the school schedule, no homework that has to be done tomorrow, and more time for our kids to "be kids" together!
I am so thankful for all of that!  I am seeing all four of my kids really bond and am realizing that this is a special time.  Last year when she joined our family, we only had a couple of weeks of vacation together, a week to get ready for school, and life began for Aleeya in the Butler household with school in full swing.  It was a whirlwind.  But, as summer begins, I see the kids playing games together and laughing, or Aleeya and Ashley going outside in their bathing suits to enjoy the sprinkler and play nerf softball, and I realize how amazing this time is . . how desperately it's needed!

The last three months have been full to say the least.  School work had really gotten tough, and we were struggling last time I blogged.  I wasn't sure what to do or how to help.  I considered home schooling her for awhile to see where the problem was and try to get her back on track, but was concerned about how that would affect her daily routine and friendships.  We prayed about it for awhile.  Then a friend of mine mentioned that it may be a good idea to let her know that if she continues to struggle that we may need to get some tutoring for her this summer to help her (which was a very real need at that point), and that may end up happening while the rest of the family was swimming and doing other fun things.  So, since I really believed she had given up a little and wasn't trying, I figured it was worth a try.  We talked.  She agreed with me that she wasn't really trying and understood that if we didn't see improvements, her summer may not be as fun as we both wanted it to be.  IT WAS AMAZING!  That week we saw immediate improvement and she continued to do better for the final two months of school!  She ended up getting on the honor roll because of a couple of major projects at the end, and we were so proud of her!  She was pretty proud of herself too!  Those last few weeks of school, she asked me if I thought she would need to get tutoring this summer.  I was amazed that it had stuck with her, and told her that she was doing so well and I saw no need.  While all the kids will do some small review of things they need to work on this summer, it would be fun stuff on the iPad or fun workbooks with lots of swimming and summer fun mixed in!  Really thankful for a good ending in that area.

I have realized quite a few things over the last six months or so and find myself understanding our "new life" with a new child more and more.

We've worked on some issues with her and Ashley, and they are becoming great friends and sisters with better expectations of each other.

I'm realizing some areas where she has struggled in the past, and trying to learn to understand it and help her more.

I feel less guilty when I'm not a perfect mom, and try to do my best realizing that God will take it and make it beautiful somehow.

I ask for His help more and more!  As I updated my prayer journal, I had a better list of what to pray specifically for her life because now I know her so much better!

She's doing tons better with the issue of lying, and I've been so proud of her for coming back and telling me the truth after she's messed up!  She has really asked God to help her with that, and He is!

I've learned that I am a little overprotective of her and really watch her relationships and how they affect her.  I'm much like a mom of a first-born or a mom of a newborn, and so want the best for her!

One of the biggest things I've learned is that we tend to go through times of being close and then times of disconnect and that is ok.  I just have to push through it.  It hit me that she may struggle to fully attach to me at times, and that's ok.

I've noticed that sometimes she's really quiet and that's ok - it's actually something Austin had hoped before adopting another girl :)!  We've got a girl that loves to talk, and they fit well together!

I realized that it's summer, and she's moved quite a few times in the summer so this is a really good time to remind her we are keeping her forever!

Last week I asked her how it's been for her living with us for almost a year now?  She said it's been really good and a lot different.  I asked what she meant.  She said this has been her best year because she knows Jesus, and it's helped so much.  I was like "wow, can't get a better answer than that!"  I told her it's also different because now she's with a family that will be her forever family . . she smiled and agreed.

It continues to be great seeing how she relates to all of us.  She loves when Dad is home, and he loves her so amazingly!  He's her protector and has lots of fun making her smile!  She sees me differently.  She tells me lots of things, loves to shop with me, knows I will tell her the truth about real life, and knows that while I will have to get on her at times, I love her like crazy!

Today, she turned 12 and we got to celebrate!  Last week we had her party with two of her girlfriends.  They swam, played with water balloons, decorated strawberries with chocolate and ate them (of course), played a fun family game of softball with a nerf ball and bat, watched a movie, had a sleep over, did their nails, and played some UNO Attack and volleyball.  It was the first time she's had a sleep over, and she loved it!  The girls were so much fun!  I realized it was my first "older girl" party, and they are super fun!  Today was her official birthday, so she got to pick what to eat so we went out for lunch and had her favorite "chicken fried rice" for dinner.  We went to Justice to spend a gift card she had received, and she loved it (definitely a happy shopper)!  Then some friends came over to her surprise, and we walked to Cold Stone for a birthday treat!  She was really thankful and I could tell she felt loved!  I can't believe how quickly she is growing up!

We are getting close to that point where she's been with us a whole year and I can't wait!  She will have memories with us from last year and know more of what to expect!  We are really praying for her finalization to take place soon!  It's getting harder to wait, and we are so hoping for the phone call that lets us know the last appeal is denied and we're moving forward!  Please pray with us for this - it will mean so much for her, so much to us!  She will officially be Aleeya Joy Butler, and I really believe it will bring her great security and peace.  This is our prayer!

One last note . . Ashley picked out a really perfect birthday card for Aleeya and the girls on the branch of the tree actually look like the two of them.  The words were so special, so I posted it on the side.  May want to take a look :).  The words are kinda small, but they read:

"Every girl
should be
lucky enough
to have a friend
she loves like a sister,

but I got even luckier . . .

I have a sister
I love like a friend."

The Past Three Months . . . March 30, 2012

The past three months have been very full . . . of so many different things.  Each time I considered blogging, it just didn't seem like the right time, or I just didn't have the energy to do it.  I'm feeling like I may be coming out of the time where I feel the need to blog so often, and I think I will just do updates here and there.  We'll see.

Our year started off a little different than I imagined!  I ended up in the ER in the very early morning of December 30th with some major stomach pain.  It ended up being something pretty major called a malrotated small intestine, and I had to have surgery the following morning to fix it.  God worked out all the details, but I would have to say it was a difficult time.  I ended up learning that my small intestines had been in the wrong place since birth, which makes this more likely to happen, and I could have either lost my small intestines and gotten a feeding tube or possibly died if I hadn't gone to the hospital in time.  As well, most of the time they catch this at birth, so there is not a lot of documented research on the Ladd's Procedure on adults that was done for me (my doctor had only performed it once before my case).  I have never had a real surgery, and learned that it takes quite a bit to bounce back from something like this (unlike the C-section I experienced with Ashley).  All this to say that my family went through many changes as well.  They were all super supportive and loving, and friends were a huge blessing as they helped our family.  I did not realize how this would affect Aleeya (didn't really plan on this one), but it affected her greatly!  All the kids were concerned, but she saw it much deeper.  She saw it as the possibility of losing another parent.  And I didn't have all my wits about me to know how to help her as much as I would have liked.  We ended up celebrating New Year's together at the hospital . . me with some water and them with some Sparkling Apple Cider a friend provided :).  This was my first time away from Aleeya, and it was not under the greatest circumstances.  When I returned, I needed quite a bit of rest as well.  During this time, I felt quite a bit of love and concern from her, but also a disconnect.  This lasted quite awhile, and it was hard.  I wasn't sure if it was because I didn't have the energy to give, or she had pulled back . . it was probably a bit of both.  We kept assuring her that God had provided great doctors, that I was going to be fine, and that we trusted God to take care of it all!  In the midst of all of this, the day I returned from the hospital Aleeya asked me if I still had the card and pictures from her birth mom.  I told her I did and she seemed fine with that.  About a week later, she asked to see them.  It had been a few weeks since we last looked at them, so I said that was fine and we looked at them together.  As we looked, she had some tears, and I told her that was normal and it was ok to cry.  Then she wanted to have some time alone with them.  About fifteen minutes later, she gave them back to me to store in a special place and seemed ok.  Well, over the next couple of weeks I noticed some marked differences in her.  Some sadness, some far off looks, and just differences.  I wasn't sure what to do about it, so I just watched and prayed.  I was continuing to heal.  It took about 4 weeks to get over being exhausted, and another 4 weeks to feel like my body was getting back to normal.  Three months out, my intestines are still trying to completely heal, but things are good and I'm thankful to be healthy.

All this to say that our relationship went through some tough times.  It was hard to know if it was from my being in the hospital, from her looking at the pictures, or something else?  There were times I didn't feel connected, and then I saw her not trying to do her part at home and school, and then we had some difficulties with lying once again.  As well, she continues to go through the process of growing up as an 11 year old, 5th grade girl.  Through it all, I have learned that even when my feelings of closeness aren't there, I still love her immensely, will fight for her, and am committed to her.  I'm trying to learn to not feel so guilty when the "feelings" aren't there and when I feel frustrated, and to know that it is a growing process.  It just takes continued time to love her the way I want to, the way Jesus would, the way I would if she had been with me the past 11 years.  We have had some tough conversations, some tough consequences, and some major prayer and seeking for answers.  Scott and I have decided that for now the card and pictures aren't a helpful thing in her life.  We have told her that we are going to hold onto them because it causes too much pain right now.  I'm not sure of when they will be available again to her, but know that she needs to continue to grieve in a healthy way.  This just adds too much extra baggage right now.  The good news is that after we go through these things, our relationship ends up being stronger for it all and I learn more about what's going on in her heart.

After dealing with the issue of lying, she asked me if I had ever asked Jesus into my heart more than once.  At first, I said that I hadn't, and then realized that I did!  When I was four, my parents said I accepted Jesus as my Savior, but I have no recollection of it.  Throughout my years growing up, I always questioned it and wondered if I really meant it if I couldn't remember it.  When I was 12, I had to know for sure that I had accepted Him personally.  So, although I could tell someone how to accept Christ myself, I had a leader lead me through many passages in the Bible, and I prayed and asked Jesus to be my Savior and Lord.  This brought such a close relationship with Him, and I knew I was His child.  Aleeya said that she felt like she needed to accept Him on her own.  She said that she felt like she didn't really understand it when she prayed with me after she had first come to our home, and she wanted to pray to Jesus on her own.  That night she did just that as Scott, Ashley, and I listened to a very sweet prayer.  I believe she prayed with me the first time because that is what it took to be a part of the "Butler family."  But this time, she was praying to be a part of "God's family."  When she finished praying, there was a sweet glow on her face and tears in her eyes.  I thanked God for allowing lying to bring her to a place of knowing her need for forgiveness.  She understands that she will still sin, but she knows her relationship with God is forever!

Scott was blessed to go to Israel at the end of February, and he was gone for 11 days . . overseas!  We have never been apart that long, never been overseas without each other, and I have never had four children by myself for that long.  I was quite teary the day before he left and couldn't figure out why.  While I encouraged him to go when the opportunity presented itself, I hadn't really prepared for all that it meant.  We ended up doing ok through it all, had a few tough times with stuff, but I was reminded of how much he brings security to our home and why God has made us one!  He was forever changed by the trip and got to show us pictures of the many places where Jesus walked.  It was great for all of us to see and learn!  Since he's been home, there have been times I've looked over to see him dancing ballroom style with Aleeya in the kitchen, or giving her a tight hug, or just picking on her for fun, and realized that he brings so much extra love to her life - it is awesome!   So thankful to have him for me and for our whole family!!!

Homework/School work - that has been the one thing that has really been difficult these past three months.  Something happened that made her not as apt to trying as before, or things got harder, or I'm not sure!!!  I've tried to figure it out, I've tried to encourage her, I've tried to be tough on her to make her want to try - it's just been difficult!  One day I had to go for a walk by myself so that I wouldn't go crazy on her.  I think I can tell when she's trying and when she's not, but sometimes I'm just not sure!  This adds to the guilt feeling - should I be so hard on her?  Maybe she is giving it her best and this is how it looks?  Maybe school work isn't as important as I make it?  Maybe it's just too much?  Maybe the past four years of school she hasn't really been able to learn because of poor school environments and teachers and foster families that didn't care as much?  I should just enjoy her and forget about it?  But somehow, that doesn't sound right.  Because I really care about her, I have to help her, have to encourage her to do her best, have to care.  And I really do!!  So, we keep working through it, learning as we go, and hoping that things will improve.  I would greatly appreciate prayer in this area!!!

We did have one major talk recently about her missing her mom and grandma, something that sometimes causes her to be not focussing at school.  She shared some personal thoughts about it all.  I asked her if she understands why she can't be with them, and she said no.  I could tell that has been confusing to her at times.  When she was looking at the pictures, they all look happy and everything looks great.  But I had to remind her of why she's not able to be with them.  I helped her to know that it wasn't her fault, that I know her birth mom loves her, but that she isn't able to care for her or any other child in the way she should.  This is a hard line to walk.  I don't want to be negative about her birth mom, but want Aleeya to see the truth.  One thing I am sure is that her birth mom must have a very sweet heart, because Aleeya has such a sweet and caring heart and I love that!  After we talked, she asked me to pray and as we hugged, I talked to Jesus about her sweet life and we prayed for her birth family.  It was a very special time!

Oh yeah, I forgot about how everything has worked out with the appeal process for her case.  We were waiting in January to hear if her birthparents had appealed the .26 hearing, which was the court hearing that took away their parental rights.  We knew that this was an appeal that almost always happened (because all they have to do is sign one paper, and pretty much every lawyer has them do it).  We had prayed that somehow it wouldn't happen in Aleeya's case . . that her birthparents would opt not to sign it and allow Aleeya to become part of a forever family since she is 11 and so needs to be stable.  But, our social worker said they had appealed.  I had so much faith that God could stop it, but He chose to allow it.  We also found out that there were two other appeals from the birth father that were holding things up, but they were from awhile ago and seemed insignificant to me.  Well, those two appeals were actually pretty huge, and could have held us up quite awhile I found out later.  When we found all this out, we couldn't figure out how to tell Aleeya so we kept it to ourselves.  This past week, we got some AMAZING news, and on a day we so needed some great news!  The two former appeals have been denied and we are only waiting for the .26 appeal to be denied!  These are the "normal" appeals and things are looking good for us to finalize this year!  Please join us in praying that they get denied quickly, that somehow they get moved to the top of the pile, and that we get to finalize as quickly as possible!!!  We had a special dinner where Aleeya got a special plate and we celebrated this news!  We are hoping for a miracle, and would love to finalize this summer!!!  God knows!

Thanks for caring for our family and for your prayers . . . thanks so much!

Our Christmas Season . . . ButlerBunch Style! . . . December 30, 2011

Well, we had a wonderful Christmas time . . . very full and quite busy, such is the life of a worship pastor's family, but I wouldn't have it any other way!  We truly get to celebrate His birthday in huge ways!  Grant it, there are times that I miss my husband or would like to just sit in front of a fire or go to the mountains and enjoy the snow, but this is the life God has picked out for us and overall, it's a pretty awesome life!

Over this past weekend, Scott had 6 Christmas services at church called "Hallelujah Emmanuel," and they were awesome!  In the past, I have tried to attend most of the services and be there to greet people and just to encourage my husband and be a part of his life, but this year I decided to not try to push all of us and just attend one with the family.  And then I attended one to welcome people while the kids went home with some friends.  Aleeya had never been a part of anything like this, and she really enjoyed it!  We were able to sit with close friends, so that made it fun for all the kids!

Then on Monday night, the choir that my husband leads had an amazing opportunity to sing at the Gallo Center with a well-known Christian group called "Point of Grace."  We were blessed to be able to go and watch from the side stage.  It was super fun to see the excitement of the choir, watch Austin sing his heart out to God, meet and get pictures with "Point of Grace," and just be a part of an amazing time of worship!  We all got dressed up too (with hair and a little lip gloss for the girls), which made it all the more exciting!  Aleeya seemed a little "star struck" with the group, and I took the time to remind her that they are people just like us and that they are just using the gifts God gave them.  We've noticed she often gets this way with "famous" people.  We really want her to know that the only famous One is God Himself, and He's the only one we should put on a pedestal.  She's starting to understand.  We also noticed that getting all dressed up was a big deal for her!  She really enjoyed it and seemed to want others to notice how pretty she looked.  I wasn't prepared for this and didn't know how to respond.  It is probably somewhat normal, could be because she had never been so dressed up, and could have just been excitement.  But later I tried to help her understand that while it's fun to dress up and we like to look nice to go to special events, it's really not about how we look.  Once we leave the house, our focus needs to be on others and enjoying them.  I realized that while the other three kids have been dressing up and going to special events basically from birth, she had not had this experience and it was really new for her.

On Tuesday, we had to go to the dentist for Aleeya.  She had gone and had a check-up a months or so before, and I was so sad and frustrated to hear that she had 8 small cavities!  That's a lot of cavities!!!  I realized that this was something I took for granted . . . the idea that someone had shown her how to brush her teeth along the way and that she was doing it correctly each day.  I made sure she was brushing, but didn't really show her.  So, I made sure the dental hygienist showed her how to brush correctly and then I began helping her and checking on her as she brushed.  Well, she was a trooper!!!  She was very nervous about going, but all the kids told her how much they love our dentist and how it doesn't even hurt when they've had fillings done.  Our dentist was very kind and understanding!  I asked him if it was possible to do them all in a day (or would that be way too much for her to handle), or would we have to make more visits (just prolonging the inevitable).  Thankfully, because they were all small, he said he thought it would be possible to do them all in a day if she could handle it.  Also, he only had to numb her for one tooth, and he gave her a break in the middle of it all.  She squeezed my hand like crazy during the shot and her eyes filled up with tears.  I'm pretty sure it was more out of fear than actual pain, but it was still really sad to watch.  She did great and we made it out alive :)!

The kids got to serve at the Modesto Gospel Mission that Wednesday, helping kids make gingerbread houses and serving lunch.  They loved it and I was glad they could be a part!

We celebrated Christmas on the 23rd as planned since Scott would be at church so much over the weekend.  It was really wonderful!  It was Aleeya's first experience with a Christmas filled with Christian themes, and she seemed to love it!  We woke up semi-early and read the Christmas story together.  Then we opened presents one at a time - youngest to oldest.  Aleeya's big gift was a Ripster and she was thrilled!  We also had a total blessing from God in getting her another gift she really wanted.  While at the dentist earlier that week, he asked what she really wanted for Christmas, and she said an outfit from Justice!  I knew she liked this outfit, but it was ridiculously expensive and would have been her main gift!  Well, I went in to get another gift that week and just checked on the outfit to see how much it would cost with their discounts.  Guess what?!  It was on clearance and I was able to get it for like $25-$30 - God so gives us the desires of our heart!  When she opened it, she was so happy and it was fun to be able to get it for her!  We had a big breakfast and a nice family dinner later that afternoon in the dining room.  I found that I had a rather rough day.  I ended up feeling like I had worked really hard (purchasing and wrapping all the gifts, getting food prepared, making sure things were just right), and then as I cooked all day, I felt grumpy.  I was hoping for some help from the kids, or at least some happy and willing responses when I needed help, but wasn't getting it.  Thankfully, Scott was very calm and Austin really tried to help out, which helped me come back to normal.  I so didn't want to ruin this special time together!  At dinner, we went around the table and asked what everyone's favorite gift was, and I loved the responses!  Austin loved that we were giving a gift to "Jesus" by filling a stocking to help kids in need, and Aleeya said a little Precious Moments Angel we got her that plays "Joy to the World."  No, not the Ripster or the outfit she was dying for, but this little trinket we had found that I almost didn't get but that seemed special since it played a song with her middle name in it!  We had sung it when we first picked out her new name, and Scott sang, "Aleeya Joy to the World!" and we all laughed.  Pretty fun and pretty amazing this was what she picked!  Later that night, we watched a movie together and just relaxed as a family - always a special time!

Christmas Eve was filled with 3 services for Scott, so we attended the last one and then all went out to dinner at Red Lobster (a family tradition because we are usually exhausted by then and because we all love the cheese biscuits)!  We met some sweet friends there and really enjoyed our time!  We woke up the next morning and the kids opened their stockings and we headed to a special Christmas Day service at church.  Scott actually got to be home for quite a bit in the morning, so that was nice.  The kids got dressed up once again, and I'd have to say it was one of my all-time favorite services!  Very relaxed, all of us in one spot, everyone so happy to be there, and it just felt good!  We sat with some special friends, and Aleeya sat at my side.  As we sang, there was a special closeness, and she leaned her head on my shoulder quite a few times.  It really was an amazing morning.  Later, we headed to some really close friends to have a nice dinner together and just hang, which was great fun and really helped make the day perfect!  I think it helped to keep Aleeya's mind busy (in case she would be missing her birth family), and she seemed to have a great day.

As the busy week ended, we thanked God that things went so smoothly.  We know that sometimes these special days can be hard and wondered how Aleeya would do being with her new family, new traditions, and new life.  We wondered if there would be sadness, a disconnect, or even acting out on Christmas, but God had taken us through it very smoothly.  We were so thankful!  We had a great Christmas . . . ButlerBunch style :)!

A Christmas Card from her Birth Mom . . . December 20, 2011

When Aleeya's social worker came in December, she brought a card with her from Aleeya's birth mom.  I was surprised to get it, but also pretty excited because it had pictures that I had so desperately wanted to have for Aleeya . . and for me.  It had pictures of her birth mom and grandma.  I had so wanted to see what they looked like for my own curiosity, and I had really longed for Aleeya to have them to keep so she would be able to remember.  It seemed really important to me!

In fact, I had kinda started this whole thing by having Aleeya write her mom a note before the .26 hearing and asking Aleeya's social worker to ask her birth mom for pictures.  But when we got the card, I was a little baffled to know what the best thing to do was.  Her social worker said it might be good to show her after Christmas.  Scott and I felt like it would be better to show her before Christmas since there's often a natural let down after Christmas.  Then we wondered should we even be giving this to her right now . . . how would it affect her, would it be too hard, would it create an awful sadness and grieving?  We talked and prayed and then talked with our agency, and they helped us to see that this would be good closure for her.  We decided that we should do it before Christmas so she would know her birth mom had been thinking of her.

Grant it . . . there are a lot of opposing thoughts on this subject, and most social workers will have a different opinion.  In the end, we had to decide for our family and our 11 year old girl.  It was a really tough thing to decide, but we felt this was best for us.

So, on the Tuesday before Christmas, I had Aleeya come into my room and showed her the card.  She seemed very happy to receive it.  We looked at the pictures together and she read the card.  The card was very sweet and my favorite thing that it said was that "as long as Aleeya was happy, she would be happy."  I felt this was huge!  She was giving permission for Aleeya to be happy, even in her new life.  She told her she loved her and thought of her all the time.  Aleeya's favorite part was that she said she was praying for her . . . she seemed happy she was praying.  Aleeya always seems to care deeply about how her mom is doing, and she was glad to know she was praying.

After we looked together for awhile, Aleeya wanted to spend some more time looking at them.  I told her I would give her some time by herself and come check on her later.  I had a little photo album to put the pictures in, so we went into Aleeya's room to do that.  I headed downstairs and gave her a few minutes.  As I came back up to check on her, she had some tears and I asked if she was ok.  She said she was fine, and that she was just glad her mom was praying for her.  She said she was happy.  I told her it was ok to be sad and miss her birth mom, and I understood.  We hugged.  I told her that she could hold on to everything for a couple of days and then we would put them in a special place to keep them nice.  I felt like if she could look at them each day, it would create too much sadness and a longing that couldn't be fulfilled.  And of course, Ashley wanted to see them too!

She asked if she could write her mom a letter back, which I wasn't really prepared to answer.  At first I thought she should be able to, and then I realized that the court had taken away the birth parents rights for a reason and this would not be healthy for her.  Thankfully, I was able to think quickly and told her that this was the last letter she would have.  This was a time for closure.  We later worked through her understanding of why the courts had made this decision and what that meant for her.  After a few days, I told her we should probably put the card and pictures in a special place but that she could see them again in the future.

This was new territory for me, and I found that it wasn't anything I was prepared to understand.  And yet, it seemed to go well and we seemed to be navigating it as best we could.  I was thankful she seemed happy and not overwhelmed with sadness.  I was really glad to have these picture for her as a keepsake.  I was also glad we could go through it together.  We would have to see how to handle things as time continued.