Ok, I'm going to warn you ahead of time, this one is going to be a long one! It was one of those days that God just spoke so clearly and gave me so much love and strength . . . a day I don't want to forget!
On Friday morning, we got up early, got ready, and headed up to Christ the King Retreat Center in Citrus Heights. I felt very uneasy as we got ready, but thankful we were going. I felt bad leaving the kids for yet another day, but knew God wanted me to come away and be with Him and knew the kids would be fine and have a great day together! On our drive up there, I began telling Scott how awful I slept and that I had many fears. We discussed all the things that kept going through my mind. Part of me wondered if I was just over-reacting, and I knew that satan was working very hard on me, yet I had some real fears to face and needed to go through them. I told him that I felt pregnant, but that I felt like I may miscarry at any time. At one point, he told me that he thought I was going to the dark side. That shocked me, yet I wanted to hear his true feelings. He again seemed very calm. He encouraged me to call our social worker and talk with him about a few things. So, about 15 minutes before the retreat began, I was able to talk to our social worker and he was a great encouragement and gave me some good advice. I found that when I was feeling really positive, he tends to give me the worse case scenario, but when I feel concerned, he helps relieve my fears and gives me great insights.
We arrived at the retreat at 9am not fully knowing what to expect, but knew there would be quite a bit of time for us to have some solitude with God. We went into a smaller room with about 10-12 other adults and sat in a circle. We were welcomed by our friend Alan Fadling who leads these retreats. We began with prayer, and as everyone prayed, the tears began to fall. I had no idea they were there, and they just wouldn't stop. I remember hearing people pray and talk about God's power and strength and how they longed to draw close to Him. After prayer, we were to go around the room and introduce ourselves. When it came to me, I said my name is Susie and that I probably wouldn't be talking very much . . as the tears began to flow and I choked up. Alan said that was just fine and we continued around the room. It felt good to cry, and peace and a relaxed feeling followed. We began by reading Psalm 62 and followed the lectio process of finding a word or phrase that sticks out to us, read it again to see how the passage or word or phrase made us feel, and read it again to see what God's invitation was to us. My word was tottering in Ps. 62:3, my feeling was that He is my hope and strength, and God was saying that He was my strength in my tottering . . . He was my safe place. I loved verse 8 that says "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge, Selah." I realized that in the last day I had totally forgotten where my strength and safe place was. After some time in the Word, we talked about how we need these times of rest to spend time alone with God and allow Him to speak to us and be revived.
Then, at about 11am, we were told we could go out and spend some alone time with God. We could read some Scripture or not, we could find a place to rest, we could take a walk, look at a picture, and just allow God to speak to us. Scott and I decided to spend some time alone first, and then meet up at lunch to talk. We were blessed to know Alan was headed to Trader Joe's to get us all a light lunch, and we were able to eat something refreshing!
On the way into the conference center earlier that morning, I remember seeing a sign that said "Turkey Crossing" and told Scott that it would be so fun to see some turkeys! As we headed into our time of solitude, I got a chair out of the van and took my Bible, journal, and cell to find a place to sit and hear from God. As I sat down, I saw about 6 or 7 turkeys grazing through the field. I was the only one in that spot, and may have been the only one to see them, and I thought how nice that God allowed me to see them being the animal lover I am :). I hoped that turkeys had nothing to do with what God wanted to say to me and wondered if maybe something neat would happen around Thanksgiving?
I had noticed on facebook that someone had encouraged a friend that was going through a tough time to read Psalm 91 and thought I wanted to read it! So I sat down and began reading. These are some of the verses I read (after having a night of not sleeping well, being worried, and feeling so uneasy):
vs. 1-2 - "Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. They will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.'
vs. 4 - He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
vs. 5-7 - You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.
vs. 9-12 - If you say, 'The Lord is my refuge,' and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent. For He will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways. They will lift you up in their hands so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
vs. 14-16 - 'Because they love me,' says the Lord, 'I will rescue them; I will protect them, for they acknowledge my name.' They will call on me, and I will answer them; I will be with them in trouble, I will deliver them and honor them. With long life I will satisfy them and show them my salvation."
Here I was, a scared mess, and the Lord reminded me that HE IS MY REFUGE AND MY GOD, the one I can TRUST! He reminded me of HIS FAITHFULNESS, of being my SHIELD. He reminded me that I DON'T HAVE TO FEAR the terror of night, nor anything that comes at me in the daytime. Things may be going on around me that are terrible, but IT WILL NOT COME NEAR ME. I decided to make the MOST HIGH MY DWELLING and trust Him that NO HARM WOULD OVERTAKE OUR FAMILY and NO DISASTER WOULD COME NEAR OUR HOME (tent). He would not let our foot strike against a stone. Our family does love the Lord, so I decided to trust him to PROTECT US BECAUSE WE ACKNOWLEDGE HIS GREAT NAME. I knew HE WOULD BE WITH US IN TROUBLE, He would DELIVER US and honor us and SHOW US HIS SALVATION! These words cut to my heart and took away every ounce of fear! It was amazing!
As I looked up from reading and writing in my journal, I saw two dragonflies. One stayed in full view and one came and went. Dragonflies had somehow become a theme during our adoption. . .
It all started on my birthday in mid-May when my closest friend gave me some little dragonfly lights (Christmas lights with metal dragonflies covering them, the kind you put outside on the fence or hang in your backyard) and a red metal dragonfly that you stick in the ground for decoration. I had never said that I liked dragonflies and actually have hardly even seen one here in Modesto, but she knew I wanted to put some outside lights up as I loved the feel of that.
Then while I was reading through Proverbs last summer, I had written down some Proverbs that stuck out to me and thought it would be fun to learn them with our kids this summer. As I pulled out the old journal, I noticed the word Hope on the journal and that there were dragonflies on it. I thought it was interesting, but didn't think too much about it.
Then we went to a friends adoption party and the theme was butterflies, yet during a talk they had, there was a dragonfly that took center stage in front of them flying around and getting our attention. Later, we did see a butterfly flying around, but the dragonfly kept coming around too. We took home some momentos from the party in a little box and we got what I thought were some cute puffy butterfly stickers to take home. But when we opened the box, there was a blue dragonfly sticker as well.
Then today, I see these two dragonflies flying around and one flew away, but the other stayed close. They went away and came back as I finished writing this in my journal. I had just learned that Janice had a little sister and wondered if that's why there were two of them.
Because of how often they kept showing up, I had recently read about dragonflies and learned that they normally live near water, but there was no water here. I learned that they have no wings for most of their life until the last 3 months when they mate and lay the larvae in the water, which is why they are normally around water when flying. They usually symbolize change and maturation. I learned that they are extremely fast! All I knew was that God created them, and He kept bringing them around. As I kept watching the dragonfly, I thought that they are pretty amazing! They have this kind of large body to lug around and these little fluttery wings that keep them going. I thought about her stuff and baggage in life, and how God's spirit would lift her up and make her soar. I've learned that many people think dragonflies can hurt you, but that they don't have teeth. While I'm not sure of all that God wants to teach me through the dragonfly, I knew He was reminding me that He was with me and put them in front of me for a reason. I questioned if they were to confirm that we were to adopt in general and if it meant it was Janice? I will continue to look for the reason they have been around and feel like He will someday explain it to me. Since that time, they have appeared more often than I can even say and it has been wild!
After that, I checked my phone to be sure the kids were alright and checked my emails. I had gotten a devotion from Susan Gregory with the Daniel Fast called "Why, Lord, Why?," and decided to read it. It was from Judges 6 and was the story of Gideon. The key verse was, "If the LORD is with us, why then has all this happened to us?" Judges 6:13. It asked if I ever find myself wondering why I'm going through a difficult time when God promises to protect me? That's what happened to Gideon. The Midianites were taking over the Israelites and taking all their possessions. The Israelites were hiding in caves in fear when the angel of the Lord came to Gideon. The angel basically asked him why he was living in fear and said "Don't you know who you are? You are a child of the Most High God!" Gideon learned that he hadn't recognized his position and was allowing the enemy to steal and destroy what was rightfully his! I too had forgotten who I was in Christ and wasn't accessing the power He's given me. God helped Gideon go into battle and fought for him! As I read Judges 6, God said to me:
6:12 - "The Lord is with you, mighty warrior."
6:15 - sometimes I feel weak.
6:16 - I will be with you.
6:23,24 - the Lord said to him, "Peace, do not be afraid." Gideon built an altar, and called it the Lord is Peace.
6:17,36-40 - God gave Gideon signs to confirm what He had said.
7:2 - Don't boast in my own strength.
I was so glad God had given me this story of Gideon for me today because Gideon was a person who asked lots of questions and wanted to be sure God had spoke to him. He asked God for signs, and God provided them. I didn't feel so bad in my seeking and wanting to know for sure, and realized that God was calling me a "Mighty Warrior" as well and I didn't need to fear because He was with me! I had no strength to boast in myself, and felt fully dependent on Him!
All this God spoke to me in an hour or so, and I felt so blessed and overwhelmed! All I needed to do was seek Him and listen and He spoke!!! As I headed to lunch, I was refreshed and amazed at God's love for me! I felt strength, peace, and a sense of dependency on God! After lunch, Scott and I shared what we had learned. He was encouraged by all God had shown me and we felt ready to move ahead with meeting Janice. We knew we would continue to pray throughout the weekend as we had until Monday, but we felt a definite peace together now! Later, we were able to share some of what God taught us and I loved to hear how God spoke to each of us in different ways! He is a God who loves us and desires us to "Come Away" with Him! Again, I was so thankful He had planned this day for me to spend with Him. Oh, how I needed Him!!!
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