Ok, I'm going to warn you ahead of time, this one is going to be a long one! It was one of those days that God just spoke so clearly and gave me so much love and strength . . . a day I don't want to forget!
On Friday morning, we got up early, got ready, and headed up to Christ the King Retreat Center in Citrus Heights. I felt very uneasy as we got ready, but thankful we were going. I felt bad leaving the kids for yet another day, but knew God wanted me to come away and be with Him and knew the kids would be fine and have a great day together! On our drive up there, I began telling Scott how awful I slept and that I had many fears. We discussed all the things that kept going through my mind. Part of me wondered if I was just over-reacting, and I knew that satan was working very hard on me, yet I had some real fears to face and needed to go through them. I told him that I felt pregnant, but that I felt like I may miscarry at any time. At one point, he told me that he thought I was going to the dark side. That shocked me, yet I wanted to hear his true feelings. He again seemed very calm. He encouraged me to call our social worker and talk with him about a few things. So, about 15 minutes before the retreat began, I was able to talk to our social worker and he was a great encouragement and gave me some good advice. I found that when I was feeling really positive, he tends to give me the worse case scenario, but when I feel concerned, he helps relieve my fears and gives me great insights.
We arrived at the retreat at 9am not fully knowing what to expect, but knew there would be quite a bit of time for us to have some solitude with God. We went into a smaller room with about 10-12 other adults and sat in a circle. We were welcomed by our friend Alan Fadling who leads these retreats. We began with prayer, and as everyone prayed, the tears began to fall. I had no idea they were there, and they just wouldn't stop. I remember hearing people pray and talk about God's power and strength and how they longed to draw close to Him. After prayer, we were to go around the room and introduce ourselves. When it came to me, I said my name is Susie and that I probably wouldn't be talking very much . . as the tears began to flow and I choked up. Alan said that was just fine and we continued around the room. It felt good to cry, and peace and a relaxed feeling followed. We began by reading Psalm 62 and followed the lectio process of finding a word or phrase that sticks out to us, read it again to see how the passage or word or phrase made us feel, and read it again to see what God's invitation was to us. My word was tottering in Ps. 62:3, my feeling was that He is my hope and strength, and God was saying that He was my strength in my tottering . . . He was my safe place. I loved verse 8 that says "Trust in him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge, Selah." I realized that in the last day I had totally forgotten where my strength and safe place was. After some time in the Word, we talked about how we need these times of rest to spend time alone with God and allow Him to speak to us and be revived.
Then, at about 11am, we were told we could go out and spend some alone time with God. We could read some Scripture or not, we could find a place to rest, we could take a walk, look at a picture, and just allow God to speak to us. Scott and I decided to spend some time alone first, and then meet up at lunch to talk. We were blessed to know Alan was headed to Trader Joe's to get us all a light lunch, and we were able to eat something refreshing!
On the way into the conference center earlier that morning, I remember seeing a sign that said "Turkey Crossing" and told Scott that it would be so fun to see some turkeys! As we headed into our time of solitude, I got a chair out of the van and took my Bible, journal, and cell to find a place to sit and hear from God. As I sat down, I saw about 6 or 7 turkeys grazing through the field. I was the only one in that spot, and may have been the only one to see them, and I thought how nice that God allowed me to see them being the animal lover I am :). I hoped that turkeys had nothing to do with what God wanted to say to me and wondered if maybe something neat would happen around Thanksgiving?
I had noticed on facebook that someone had encouraged a friend that was going through a tough time to read Psalm 91 and thought I wanted to read it! So I sat down and began reading. These are some of the verses I read (after having a night of not sleeping well, being worried, and feeling so uneasy):
vs. 1-2 - "Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. They will say of the Lord, 'He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.'
vs. 4 - He will cover you with his feathers, and under his wings you will find refuge; His faithfulness will be your shield and rampart.
vs. 5-7 - You will not fear the terror of night, nor the arrow that flies by day, nor the pestilence that stalks in the darkness, nor the plague that destroys at midday. A thousand may fall at your side, ten thousand at your right hand, but it will not come near you.
vs. 9-12 - If you say, 'The Lord is my refuge,' and you make the Most High your dwelling, no harm will overtake you, no disaster will come near your tent. For He will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways. They will lift you up in their hands so that you will not strike your foot against a stone.
vs. 14-16 - 'Because they love me,' says the Lord, 'I will rescue them; I will protect them, for they acknowledge my name.' They will call on me, and I will answer them; I will be with them in trouble, I will deliver them and honor them. With long life I will satisfy them and show them my salvation."
Here I was, a scared mess, and the Lord reminded me that HE IS MY REFUGE AND MY GOD, the one I can TRUST! He reminded me of HIS FAITHFULNESS, of being my SHIELD. He reminded me that I DON'T HAVE TO FEAR the terror of night, nor anything that comes at me in the daytime. Things may be going on around me that are terrible, but IT WILL NOT COME NEAR ME. I decided to make the MOST HIGH MY DWELLING and trust Him that NO HARM WOULD OVERTAKE OUR FAMILY and NO DISASTER WOULD COME NEAR OUR HOME (tent). He would not let our foot strike against a stone. Our family does love the Lord, so I decided to trust him to PROTECT US BECAUSE WE ACKNOWLEDGE HIS GREAT NAME. I knew HE WOULD BE WITH US IN TROUBLE, He would DELIVER US and honor us and SHOW US HIS SALVATION! These words cut to my heart and took away every ounce of fear! It was amazing!
As I looked up from reading and writing in my journal, I saw two dragonflies. One stayed in full view and one came and went. Dragonflies had somehow become a theme during our adoption. . .
It all started on my birthday in mid-May when my closest friend gave me some little dragonfly lights (Christmas lights with metal dragonflies covering them, the kind you put outside on the fence or hang in your backyard) and a red metal dragonfly that you stick in the ground for decoration. I had never said that I liked dragonflies and actually have hardly even seen one here in Modesto, but she knew I wanted to put some outside lights up as I loved the feel of that.
Then while I was reading through Proverbs last summer, I had written down some Proverbs that stuck out to me and thought it would be fun to learn them with our kids this summer. As I pulled out the old journal, I noticed the word Hope on the journal and that there were dragonflies on it. I thought it was interesting, but didn't think too much about it.
Then we went to a friends adoption party and the theme was butterflies, yet during a talk they had, there was a dragonfly that took center stage in front of them flying around and getting our attention. Later, we did see a butterfly flying around, but the dragonfly kept coming around too. We took home some momentos from the party in a little box and we got what I thought were some cute puffy butterfly stickers to take home. But when we opened the box, there was a blue dragonfly sticker as well.
Then today, I see these two dragonflies flying around and one flew away, but the other stayed close. They went away and came back as I finished writing this in my journal. I had just learned that Janice had a little sister and wondered if that's why there were two of them.
Because of how often they kept showing up, I had recently read about dragonflies and learned that they normally live near water, but there was no water here. I learned that they have no wings for most of their life until the last 3 months when they mate and lay the larvae in the water, which is why they are normally around water when flying. They usually symbolize change and maturation. I learned that they are extremely fast! All I knew was that God created them, and He kept bringing them around. As I kept watching the dragonfly, I thought that they are pretty amazing! They have this kind of large body to lug around and these little fluttery wings that keep them going. I thought about her stuff and baggage in life, and how God's spirit would lift her up and make her soar. I've learned that many people think dragonflies can hurt you, but that they don't have teeth. While I'm not sure of all that God wants to teach me through the dragonfly, I knew He was reminding me that He was with me and put them in front of me for a reason. I questioned if they were to confirm that we were to adopt in general and if it meant it was Janice? I will continue to look for the reason they have been around and feel like He will someday explain it to me. Since that time, they have appeared more often than I can even say and it has been wild!
After that, I checked my phone to be sure the kids were alright and checked my emails. I had gotten a devotion from Susan Gregory with the Daniel Fast called "Why, Lord, Why?," and decided to read it. It was from Judges 6 and was the story of Gideon. The key verse was, "If the LORD is with us, why then has all this happened to us?" Judges 6:13. It asked if I ever find myself wondering why I'm going through a difficult time when God promises to protect me? That's what happened to Gideon. The Midianites were taking over the Israelites and taking all their possessions. The Israelites were hiding in caves in fear when the angel of the Lord came to Gideon. The angel basically asked him why he was living in fear and said "Don't you know who you are? You are a child of the Most High God!" Gideon learned that he hadn't recognized his position and was allowing the enemy to steal and destroy what was rightfully his! I too had forgotten who I was in Christ and wasn't accessing the power He's given me. God helped Gideon go into battle and fought for him! As I read Judges 6, God said to me:
6:12 - "The Lord is with you, mighty warrior."
6:15 - sometimes I feel weak.
6:16 - I will be with you.
6:23,24 - the Lord said to him, "Peace, do not be afraid." Gideon built an altar, and called it the Lord is Peace.
6:17,36-40 - God gave Gideon signs to confirm what He had said.
7:2 - Don't boast in my own strength.
I was so glad God had given me this story of Gideon for me today because Gideon was a person who asked lots of questions and wanted to be sure God had spoke to him. He asked God for signs, and God provided them. I didn't feel so bad in my seeking and wanting to know for sure, and realized that God was calling me a "Mighty Warrior" as well and I didn't need to fear because He was with me! I had no strength to boast in myself, and felt fully dependent on Him!
All this God spoke to me in an hour or so, and I felt so blessed and overwhelmed! All I needed to do was seek Him and listen and He spoke!!! As I headed to lunch, I was refreshed and amazed at God's love for me! I felt strength, peace, and a sense of dependency on God! After lunch, Scott and I shared what we had learned. He was encouraged by all God had shown me and we felt ready to move ahead with meeting Janice. We knew we would continue to pray throughout the weekend as we had until Monday, but we felt a definite peace together now! Later, we were able to share some of what God taught us and I loved to hear how God spoke to each of us in different ways! He is a God who loves us and desires us to "Come Away" with Him! Again, I was so thankful He had planned this day for me to spend with Him. Oh, how I needed Him!!!
The Butler Family
WE ARE FAMILY!!!
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Disclosure Meeting . . . June 16, 2011
It was a Thursday, and we woke up and did our normal getting ready routine. I so longed for God to be clear today, and thought that He may having something special for me from His Word. The reading I had for the day ended up being one of those . . and he begot this kid and that kid and that kid. I thought, wow this is kinda dry for a day like today. But as I began to pray and just be still in His presence, I heard Him say "I am with you." That was all. My Emanuel was with me. It was a great comfort and one I took with me all day long.
We left the house around 10am so we could have some time to go to enjoy walking around in one of our favorite areas and enjoy lunch at P.F. Chang's (Daniel Fast style) on the way. Some friends of ours that had adopted encouraged us to make it fun along the way, so we were trying to follow suit. We did enjoy that time together, and had a great sense of peace, yet I still found that my hands felt clammy and I was so wanting to get to the meeting. I knew this was an important piece to help us know if we should move forward. I didn't know how much information we would receive and thought that maybe we had heard most of it already.
Earlier that week, I had met with a wonderful friend who had adopted, and who had also been a social worker for 10 & 11 year old girls. She had given me some great advice on what questions to ask while we were at the meeting. She had such amazing insights! While I had some questions of my own, like what was her full name and how long has she lived in California (simple stuff), she had encouraged me to check on her relationships with peers and know about each foster home and what the dynamics were in each (father, mother, other kids, etc). I had typed out many questions with room to write down the answers and felt pretty ready.
The meeting began at 1pm. We met our social worker in the atrium and soon Janice's social worker came out to meet us. We went back into a office, and it was just the four of us. She opened a file and began to summarize all that she knew about Janice's life. She told us that she was born in Saipan and had lived there 8 years before moving to California in February of 2008. She had learned English as well as another language while in Saipan. We found out when and why she was put in the foster care system, how many homes she had lived in, how many schools she had gone to, and any and all behaviors that were of concern while in the foster homes. We learned about her mom and dad, her younger sister, and older half sister, and her grandma. We learned that she no longer had contact with her parents and that they were no longer being offered services by the state, which meant that she was in a place where they were looking for an adoptive home for her.
About an hour into it, I realized I needed to use the bathroom, but even more I just needed a break. There was so much information that was new to me, and some of it was very confusing and hard, but I needed to hear it and write it all down. So much of it was hard to know how to take since I had never met the foster families and didn't always understand the full situation. When we came back into the office, I began asking the questions I had typed out, many of which had already been answered. We wondered what her spiritual background was? Had she been to church with her foster families? What types of clothes, music, and toys did she like? Did she want to have siblings and would she enjoy sharing a room with a sister?
One of the fun things we learned was that her middle name was Lee, which is my mom's middle name. From what they knew, she had not been involved with church. She did want siblings, and loved dogs! There were many positives, as well as many negatives. We finally finished the meeting around 3pm and talked with our social worker for a short time. He could tell we were overwhelmed and encouraged us to pray about all that we heard. He said this was very different since she was an older child, and there was much to consider. If we felt we had the tools to take her in and God was leading, then our next step would be to meet her. I remember thinking that I wanted to meet her, but was so afraid of hurting her if the meeting didn't feel right. That was the last thing I wanted to do! I remember asking if she would get a say in all of this since she was older?
We said goodbye to our social worker, and held hands as walked to the truck quietly. We got in the truck and Scott began to talk about meeting her. He seemed very calm and fine with all we had heard. He said that verses kept coming to his mind throughout the meeting, and I was glad for him. On the other hand, I felt very unsure and scared and wasn't getting verses. I wasn't handling all of the new information so well. There were some things that concerned me greatly and put me in major "mother hen" mode as I became overprotective while thinking of our family and how this would affect us. I grew up with a nice, easy Christian home and didn't know if I was ready for all of this. Scott had grown up going to private schools away from home and was better able to understand the things we heard. I was thrilled Scott was calm and happy that he wanted to keep moving (in my heart, that's what I wanted too)!! I just wasn't quite there yet! I remember wondering if this was a "normal" disclosure and was I just overreacting? Then I wondered how awful it would be if someone had a meeting like this about me or our kids and told us everything we have ever done that caused concern. Did I expect her to be perfect just because I thought her eyes and smile spoke of an amazing sweetness? Did I think that all that she had been through wouldn't affect her? Was I living in a dream world where everything was perfect? What was I expecting from this meeting? It was a much rougher day than I imagined, and I came home filled with questions and doubts.
We called and checked on the kids on the way home, and they had a great day together. I told them the meeting had gone well and we would continue to pray. We got home and had dinner together. We told them some of the information about her growing up in Saipan and moving here. The kids had a few questions for us to ask as well, so we answered those. Ashley wanted to know if she would want to share a room, does she like playing with stuffed animals, and what other activities does she like? Alec wanted to know if she would like having brothers? They seemed happy with the answers. That evening I went for a bike ride by myself, just needed to get out and breathe and go over things in my head. As I was riding, God reminded me once again that He was with me. We had a nice family night and prayed together before bed.
This had been a huge day for us! It felt a lot like a first sonogram to me. The one where they check for all the major organs to be functioning, but where you can't really see the baby all that well. That evening, I remember feeling very alone. We wanted to keep her information private, so it wasn't like I wanted to talk to anyone, but I wanted someone to call that would say it would all be ok.
As I went to bed that night, my mind was racing and I had a very hard time sleeping. My mind went over and over the information! I finally fell asleep, but awoke at 4am with many fears and questions. I remember feeling more anxious than I ever had and trying to calm myself down. I was up most of the time until the alarm rang at 6am, which is very abnormal of me! I tend to not be a worrier and I tend to sleep really well. I awoke wondering if this meant we weren't supposed to move forward, but that thought felt awful!
Thankfully, we had planned to attend a "Come Away" retreat about a month ago for that Friday! Scott and I had never attended one together, other than on our BVGCC staff retreat, and this one just seemed to work for us to go. I remember being so thankful that God had orchestrated this day for us and knew I needed to be alone with Him more than anything! So, off we went. I didn't like leaving the kids home alone again, but it felt right to be going and I knew God had this planned especially for us!
We left the house around 10am so we could have some time to go to enjoy walking around in one of our favorite areas and enjoy lunch at P.F. Chang's (Daniel Fast style) on the way. Some friends of ours that had adopted encouraged us to make it fun along the way, so we were trying to follow suit. We did enjoy that time together, and had a great sense of peace, yet I still found that my hands felt clammy and I was so wanting to get to the meeting. I knew this was an important piece to help us know if we should move forward. I didn't know how much information we would receive and thought that maybe we had heard most of it already.
Earlier that week, I had met with a wonderful friend who had adopted, and who had also been a social worker for 10 & 11 year old girls. She had given me some great advice on what questions to ask while we were at the meeting. She had such amazing insights! While I had some questions of my own, like what was her full name and how long has she lived in California (simple stuff), she had encouraged me to check on her relationships with peers and know about each foster home and what the dynamics were in each (father, mother, other kids, etc). I had typed out many questions with room to write down the answers and felt pretty ready.
The meeting began at 1pm. We met our social worker in the atrium and soon Janice's social worker came out to meet us. We went back into a office, and it was just the four of us. She opened a file and began to summarize all that she knew about Janice's life. She told us that she was born in Saipan and had lived there 8 years before moving to California in February of 2008. She had learned English as well as another language while in Saipan. We found out when and why she was put in the foster care system, how many homes she had lived in, how many schools she had gone to, and any and all behaviors that were of concern while in the foster homes. We learned about her mom and dad, her younger sister, and older half sister, and her grandma. We learned that she no longer had contact with her parents and that they were no longer being offered services by the state, which meant that she was in a place where they were looking for an adoptive home for her.
About an hour into it, I realized I needed to use the bathroom, but even more I just needed a break. There was so much information that was new to me, and some of it was very confusing and hard, but I needed to hear it and write it all down. So much of it was hard to know how to take since I had never met the foster families and didn't always understand the full situation. When we came back into the office, I began asking the questions I had typed out, many of which had already been answered. We wondered what her spiritual background was? Had she been to church with her foster families? What types of clothes, music, and toys did she like? Did she want to have siblings and would she enjoy sharing a room with a sister?
One of the fun things we learned was that her middle name was Lee, which is my mom's middle name. From what they knew, she had not been involved with church. She did want siblings, and loved dogs! There were many positives, as well as many negatives. We finally finished the meeting around 3pm and talked with our social worker for a short time. He could tell we were overwhelmed and encouraged us to pray about all that we heard. He said this was very different since she was an older child, and there was much to consider. If we felt we had the tools to take her in and God was leading, then our next step would be to meet her. I remember thinking that I wanted to meet her, but was so afraid of hurting her if the meeting didn't feel right. That was the last thing I wanted to do! I remember asking if she would get a say in all of this since she was older?
We said goodbye to our social worker, and held hands as walked to the truck quietly. We got in the truck and Scott began to talk about meeting her. He seemed very calm and fine with all we had heard. He said that verses kept coming to his mind throughout the meeting, and I was glad for him. On the other hand, I felt very unsure and scared and wasn't getting verses. I wasn't handling all of the new information so well. There were some things that concerned me greatly and put me in major "mother hen" mode as I became overprotective while thinking of our family and how this would affect us. I grew up with a nice, easy Christian home and didn't know if I was ready for all of this. Scott had grown up going to private schools away from home and was better able to understand the things we heard. I was thrilled Scott was calm and happy that he wanted to keep moving (in my heart, that's what I wanted too)!! I just wasn't quite there yet! I remember wondering if this was a "normal" disclosure and was I just overreacting? Then I wondered how awful it would be if someone had a meeting like this about me or our kids and told us everything we have ever done that caused concern. Did I expect her to be perfect just because I thought her eyes and smile spoke of an amazing sweetness? Did I think that all that she had been through wouldn't affect her? Was I living in a dream world where everything was perfect? What was I expecting from this meeting? It was a much rougher day than I imagined, and I came home filled with questions and doubts.
We called and checked on the kids on the way home, and they had a great day together. I told them the meeting had gone well and we would continue to pray. We got home and had dinner together. We told them some of the information about her growing up in Saipan and moving here. The kids had a few questions for us to ask as well, so we answered those. Ashley wanted to know if she would want to share a room, does she like playing with stuffed animals, and what other activities does she like? Alec wanted to know if she would like having brothers? They seemed happy with the answers. That evening I went for a bike ride by myself, just needed to get out and breathe and go over things in my head. As I was riding, God reminded me once again that He was with me. We had a nice family night and prayed together before bed.
This had been a huge day for us! It felt a lot like a first sonogram to me. The one where they check for all the major organs to be functioning, but where you can't really see the baby all that well. That evening, I remember feeling very alone. We wanted to keep her information private, so it wasn't like I wanted to talk to anyone, but I wanted someone to call that would say it would all be ok.
As I went to bed that night, my mind was racing and I had a very hard time sleeping. My mind went over and over the information! I finally fell asleep, but awoke at 4am with many fears and questions. I remember feeling more anxious than I ever had and trying to calm myself down. I was up most of the time until the alarm rang at 6am, which is very abnormal of me! I tend to not be a worrier and I tend to sleep really well. I awoke wondering if this meant we weren't supposed to move forward, but that thought felt awful!
Thankfully, we had planned to attend a "Come Away" retreat about a month ago for that Friday! Scott and I had never attended one together, other than on our BVGCC staff retreat, and this one just seemed to work for us to go. I remember being so thankful that God had orchestrated this day for us and knew I needed to be alone with Him more than anything! So, off we went. I didn't like leaving the kids home alone again, but it felt right to be going and I knew God had this planned especially for us!
Deciding to do the Daniel Fast . . . June 2011
In May, I went to visit my sister in Georgia for her 25th wedding anniversary and my nephew's graduation from high school. While I was there, my nephew's girlfriend was doing something called "the Daniel Fast." I had not heard of it, but I knew she was doing it to seek God in her life regarding future decisions. I also found out that my nephew and niece had done it in January, along with a huge group of Christians to seek God in the New Year.
I really didn't think too much about it as I'm awful at any type of diets or eating clean ideas. I just really love Diet Coke, cookies, and doughnuts, as well as fruits and veggies. I've never been one that gorges on food, but enjoys things in moderation. While I have fasted for a day here and there, and fully believe that it is an amazing spiritual discipline, I've not done anything long term. During this time in our lives, with all that was in the balances, I really felt like God was calling me to seek Him with all my heart. I didn't want to miss a thing that He was saying and I wanted to know for sure that this was of Him!
I began checking it out online at daniel-fast.com and felt like God was leading me to do it. I mentioned it to Scott and he too liked the idea, but wasn't too sure about giving up coffee. He had been considering some "eating clean" diets already, but thought a fast was an even better idea. We found out it was a 3 week partial fast that was based on two of the fasts Daniel did during his lifetime. We also found out that there was a devotional that would be sent to our email each day to encourage us in the Word. After Scott looked into it, he said that he knew God was leading him to do it as well, and yes, without coffee! I remember him saying that this particular week wouldn't be a good one to start it because we were taking out a special speaker at church for lunch that Sunday and the following Sunday was Father's Day (a day that usually involves P.F. Chang's). But as we looked at what was taking place in our lives, we knew that this was the best time and there may never be a "good time."
The fast involved drinking only water, eating fruits, veggies, nuts, brown rice and brown rice pasta, no dairy or bread, and basically eating only things grown from the ground. It was a pretty huge task for us. But we had a purpose for it all - not to just get healthy (which was a great side benefit), but to seek God with all that was within us about the girl that might soon become a part of our family!
We began on Sunday, June 12th. On Saturday night, a really cool thing happened as we explained what we were doing to our kids. They said that they too wanted to do it (for part of the time at least)! We were only telling them so they would knew why we were eating differently, and so they would understand why dinners would be a little different than normal. We had been praying so hard, and I think they realized how serious things were becoming. I told them they could do it if they wanted to but not to feel bad if they only did it a day or so. Ashley had great heart, but didn't fully understand it and by Sunday snack at church, she had already eaten something she thought might be ok but wasn't. The boys understood it better and had great self-control. Alec made it two and a half days until he had some boys over for a day of playing Risk and basketball and wanted to eat lunch with them. Austin made it through Wednesday evening other than two small slips when he forgot, but then started to get dizzy at times. At that point, I told him he needed to get some more protein in his body and go back to eating normal. It was just really neat to watch their faith grow along with ours and blessed my heart so much!
It was a great time to do this fast as fruit and veggies were at their best at the stands and in the stores! Watermelon and corn were some of our favorite foods anyhow, so that made things a little easier. We began with headaches off and on - me for the first two days and Scott for about four days. By the time we went to our disclosure meeting on Thursday, his headache was finally subsiding. We found we spent a lot less money as we ate almost entirely at home and if we did go out, we always got water and a couple of side items to eat. There were some great side benefits for sure!
From the first day, we felt God closer than ever and could hear Him more clearly. It seemed as though He was happy to come alongside us and teach us and love on us. We knew that He would be leading us and guiding us. Scripture came alive and He kept showing up! And doing it together was the best! We grew closer together and I could fix meals for my husband that encouraged him! We also began loosing weight and waking up early each morning on our own with a renewed energy . . . not one that would allow us to exert our bodies physically as we had very few carbs, but one that made us feel alive and new.
We continued the fast for the next three weeks and finished on Saturday, July 2nd with Janice in our home for a visit. The crazy thing was I don't remember even wanting the "yummy" foods I normally crave. I also remember many days when I was verily hungry all day and had to make myself eat little bits to keep me going and because I knew I "should." It was a time filled with more prayer than normal, and greater times in our personal quiet times as we read the Word.
It was such a great experience for both of us! As we ended, I realized how funny it was that this would be my first "pregnancy" where I lost weight rather than gaining :)!
I really didn't think too much about it as I'm awful at any type of diets or eating clean ideas. I just really love Diet Coke, cookies, and doughnuts, as well as fruits and veggies. I've never been one that gorges on food, but enjoys things in moderation. While I have fasted for a day here and there, and fully believe that it is an amazing spiritual discipline, I've not done anything long term. During this time in our lives, with all that was in the balances, I really felt like God was calling me to seek Him with all my heart. I didn't want to miss a thing that He was saying and I wanted to know for sure that this was of Him!
I began checking it out online at daniel-fast.com and felt like God was leading me to do it. I mentioned it to Scott and he too liked the idea, but wasn't too sure about giving up coffee. He had been considering some "eating clean" diets already, but thought a fast was an even better idea. We found out it was a 3 week partial fast that was based on two of the fasts Daniel did during his lifetime. We also found out that there was a devotional that would be sent to our email each day to encourage us in the Word. After Scott looked into it, he said that he knew God was leading him to do it as well, and yes, without coffee! I remember him saying that this particular week wouldn't be a good one to start it because we were taking out a special speaker at church for lunch that Sunday and the following Sunday was Father's Day (a day that usually involves P.F. Chang's). But as we looked at what was taking place in our lives, we knew that this was the best time and there may never be a "good time."
The fast involved drinking only water, eating fruits, veggies, nuts, brown rice and brown rice pasta, no dairy or bread, and basically eating only things grown from the ground. It was a pretty huge task for us. But we had a purpose for it all - not to just get healthy (which was a great side benefit), but to seek God with all that was within us about the girl that might soon become a part of our family!
We began on Sunday, June 12th. On Saturday night, a really cool thing happened as we explained what we were doing to our kids. They said that they too wanted to do it (for part of the time at least)! We were only telling them so they would knew why we were eating differently, and so they would understand why dinners would be a little different than normal. We had been praying so hard, and I think they realized how serious things were becoming. I told them they could do it if they wanted to but not to feel bad if they only did it a day or so. Ashley had great heart, but didn't fully understand it and by Sunday snack at church, she had already eaten something she thought might be ok but wasn't. The boys understood it better and had great self-control. Alec made it two and a half days until he had some boys over for a day of playing Risk and basketball and wanted to eat lunch with them. Austin made it through Wednesday evening other than two small slips when he forgot, but then started to get dizzy at times. At that point, I told him he needed to get some more protein in his body and go back to eating normal. It was just really neat to watch their faith grow along with ours and blessed my heart so much!
It was a great time to do this fast as fruit and veggies were at their best at the stands and in the stores! Watermelon and corn were some of our favorite foods anyhow, so that made things a little easier. We began with headaches off and on - me for the first two days and Scott for about four days. By the time we went to our disclosure meeting on Thursday, his headache was finally subsiding. We found we spent a lot less money as we ate almost entirely at home and if we did go out, we always got water and a couple of side items to eat. There were some great side benefits for sure!
From the first day, we felt God closer than ever and could hear Him more clearly. It seemed as though He was happy to come alongside us and teach us and love on us. We knew that He would be leading us and guiding us. Scripture came alive and He kept showing up! And doing it together was the best! We grew closer together and I could fix meals for my husband that encouraged him! We also began loosing weight and waking up early each morning on our own with a renewed energy . . . not one that would allow us to exert our bodies physically as we had very few carbs, but one that made us feel alive and new.
We continued the fast for the next three weeks and finished on Saturday, July 2nd with Janice in our home for a visit. The crazy thing was I don't remember even wanting the "yummy" foods I normally crave. I also remember many days when I was verily hungry all day and had to make myself eat little bits to keep me going and because I knew I "should." It was a time filled with more prayer than normal, and greater times in our personal quiet times as we read the Word.
It was such a great experience for both of us! As we ended, I realized how funny it was that this would be my first "pregnancy" where I lost weight rather than gaining :)!
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
A Birthday Party . . . June 10, 2011
As I was talking to a friend about the possibilities of adopting Janice, the idea came up that it would be cool if our family did something to celebrate her birthday! I figured if things did work out and we eventually did have her join our family, it would be a really cool thing to have a picture of us celebrating her day before we ever knew her. And if it didn't work out, it would still be a fun night! My only fear was that the kids may get so excited and then have their hopes dashed. Scott and I talked about it and decided to celebrate!
I woke up thinking about her and thought about her quite often throughout the day. I wondered what she was doing to celebrate and prayed for her often! That evening, we made her a chocolate bundt cake with white vanilla icing. YUM! We put two candles in it (she was 11 after all) and sang "Happy Birthday" to her. We got a picture with our family behind the cake, using our timer on the camera :). While we ate the cake, we asked the kids about how they were feeling about everything. We talked about what we thought it would be like if she came. After we finished eating, we went around the table and prayed for her. It was a very special time!
Disclosure Meeting on the calendar . . . June 9, 2011
After telling our social worker we were ready to move forward, he called Janice's county worker to set up a disclosure meeting. This would basically be a meeting where her county worker would reveal all known information about Janice's past and current situation/life to us. The reason for this is to be sure that we felt comfortable with the issues she has faced, and with any known issues she currently has. They want you to know up front so that if you decide to move forward, you are going into it very aware and ready. The hope is that once the process begins, you can continue toward the goal of adoption without hurting the child or your current family.
The date was set and on the calendar for Thursday, June 16th at 1pm. It was great timing for us and gave us more time to seek God and pray over the next week. We were on our way!
The date was set and on the calendar for Thursday, June 16th at 1pm. It was great timing for us and gave us more time to seek God and pray over the next week. We were on our way!
The Phone Call . . . June 2011
Well, after waiting for what seemed like forever but was really only 6 days, our social worker was finally able to talk to Janice's social worker. We were soooo ready for that phone call and yet realized that the information we received would really determine if we should move forward. At that point, we felt like God was leading us onward, but needed to know a few more details. One of the big details for me was that I really wanted her to be a "young 11." There was a big difference between a young 11 year old and one that was almost 12, especially when thinking about if she would enjoy playing with Ashley, not to mention the hormonal and emotional changes happening in a girl that age. I had just that week said to Scott, "If she were only a 10 year old, that would be so great!"
He called us on Wednesday, June 8th with more information. I listened intently to every word and asked questions along the way. My heart was beating out of my chest. I felt a sense of peace, yet huge excitement, as well as some fear. His first words to me were: "Well, she's actually 10!" I was ecstatic! She would turn 11 in two days on June 10th :)! It felt like a huge confirmation to me, but I continued to listen. We found out she was born on an island called Saipan that is a U.S. territory. He told us the reasons for her being taken out of the home, how many placements she had, that she had one younger sibling that was already being adopted, as well as some of the problems the foster families have had with her. He also told us where she was currently living, and it happened to be one of my husband's favorite places (yes, there is a P.F. Chang's in the area)! That was another fun confirmation for us! We also found out she enjoyed swimming, which was a plus for Ashley since if allowed, she would be in a pool most of the day everyday. I began writing everything down as our social worker talked so I could relay all of the information to Scott. I talked with him after the phone call, and both of us were comfortable with the information we heard. We spent the evening discussing and praying, and decided we would call the next day (first thing) to move forward! The peace God had given us was turning to excitement for sure!
He called us on Wednesday, June 8th with more information. I listened intently to every word and asked questions along the way. My heart was beating out of my chest. I felt a sense of peace, yet huge excitement, as well as some fear. His first words to me were: "Well, she's actually 10!" I was ecstatic! She would turn 11 in two days on June 10th :)! It felt like a huge confirmation to me, but I continued to listen. We found out she was born on an island called Saipan that is a U.S. territory. He told us the reasons for her being taken out of the home, how many placements she had, that she had one younger sibling that was already being adopted, as well as some of the problems the foster families have had with her. He also told us where she was currently living, and it happened to be one of my husband's favorite places (yes, there is a P.F. Chang's in the area)! That was another fun confirmation for us! We also found out she enjoyed swimming, which was a plus for Ashley since if allowed, she would be in a pool most of the day everyday. I began writing everything down as our social worker talked so I could relay all of the information to Scott. I talked with him after the phone call, and both of us were comfortable with the information we heard. We spent the evening discussing and praying, and decided we would call the next day (first thing) to move forward! The peace God had given us was turning to excitement for sure!
Feeling Misunderstood . . . June 2011
As I was talking to a friend that has adopted, I realized that there have been many times during this process that we have felt misunderstood. She too has felt that way. While we have had many excited, caring friends along the way that have blessed us immeasurable, we have also had many respond in ways that we don't understand. While I know we shouldn't base our lives around what other think, nor take it personally, at times in our flesh that is just hard. Here are some of the responses we've gotten or felt when we told people (with excitement) that God was leading us to adopt:
Some people look at us as if we're crazy for wanting to adopt. They think you've got a beautiful family that's working just great, why add to it?
Others say, oh yeah, adopting kids is the new thing that everyone's doing, so you want to join in. Really, doing it because it's the "in" thing? While I agree that adoption has been talked about so much more in the past couple of years, and families are finally getting some great information about it and doing it, we aren't just wanting to be "cool."
Others think it's just so not "normal." They can't imagine why anyone would want to bring a child into their home that's not their biological child, much less a child that's experienced difficulties and been in the foster system.
A few people even think you're doing it for financial gain. Really??? There are a lot of other ways I can think of to make some extra money.
Some say nothing at all after you tell them. What does that mean?
Some think you're just a really emotional person that feels bad for kids and are doing it so you don't feel guilty.
Some think you should only adopt a child of your own race, or only a baby, or . . . .
Once in awhile, you think that the people you are around will really get it and care, and they just don't seem to say anything. And it's hard, because you've cared about their life and their dreams and wonder what's wrong with what you're doing.
And the list goes on.
For us, we are adopting because God called us to it. He said to take care of the fatherless and the orphan. As our Reach Pastor put it, "These children are not someone else's problem, they are ours to take care of." God has called us to love others the way we love ourselves. He cares for those that have no one else to take care of them, and He becomes a Father to them. While I know that not everyone is not able or meant to adopt, He made it clear to us and we are so glad He did! We aren't any better or worse than other families, just following His leading in our lives one day at a time.
Some people look at us as if we're crazy for wanting to adopt. They think you've got a beautiful family that's working just great, why add to it?
Others say, oh yeah, adopting kids is the new thing that everyone's doing, so you want to join in. Really, doing it because it's the "in" thing? While I agree that adoption has been talked about so much more in the past couple of years, and families are finally getting some great information about it and doing it, we aren't just wanting to be "cool."
Others think it's just so not "normal." They can't imagine why anyone would want to bring a child into their home that's not their biological child, much less a child that's experienced difficulties and been in the foster system.
A few people even think you're doing it for financial gain. Really??? There are a lot of other ways I can think of to make some extra money.
Some say nothing at all after you tell them. What does that mean?
Some think you're just a really emotional person that feels bad for kids and are doing it so you don't feel guilty.
Some think you should only adopt a child of your own race, or only a baby, or . . . .
Once in awhile, you think that the people you are around will really get it and care, and they just don't seem to say anything. And it's hard, because you've cared about their life and their dreams and wonder what's wrong with what you're doing.
And the list goes on.
For us, we are adopting because God called us to it. He said to take care of the fatherless and the orphan. As our Reach Pastor put it, "These children are not someone else's problem, they are ours to take care of." God has called us to love others the way we love ourselves. He cares for those that have no one else to take care of them, and He becomes a Father to them. While I know that not everyone is not able or meant to adopt, He made it clear to us and we are so glad He did! We aren't any better or worse than other families, just following His leading in our lives one day at a time.
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