The past three months have been very full . . . of so many different things. Each time I considered blogging, it just didn't seem like the right time, or I just didn't have the energy to do it. I'm feeling like I may be coming out of the time where I feel the need to blog so often, and I think I will just do updates here and there. We'll see.
Our year started off a little different than I imagined! I ended up in the ER in the very early morning of December 30th with some major stomach pain. It ended up being something pretty major called a malrotated small intestine, and I had to have surgery the following morning to fix it. God worked out all the details, but I would have to say it was a difficult time. I ended up learning that my small intestines had been in the wrong place since birth, which makes this more likely to happen, and I could have either lost my small intestines and gotten a feeding tube or possibly died if I hadn't gone to the hospital in time. As well, most of the time they catch this at birth, so there is not a lot of documented research on the Ladd's Procedure on adults that was done for me (my doctor had only performed it once before my case). I have never had a real surgery, and learned that it takes quite a bit to bounce back from something like this (unlike the C-section I experienced with Ashley). All this to say that my family went through many changes as well. They were all super supportive and loving, and friends were a huge blessing as they helped our family. I did not realize how this would affect Aleeya (didn't really plan on this one), but it affected her greatly! All the kids were concerned, but she saw it much deeper. She saw it as the possibility of losing another parent. And I didn't have all my wits about me to know how to help her as much as I would have liked. We ended up celebrating New Year's together at the hospital . . me with some water and them with some Sparkling Apple Cider a friend provided :). This was my first time away from Aleeya, and it was not under the greatest circumstances. When I returned, I needed quite a bit of rest as well. During this time, I felt quite a bit of love and concern from her, but also a disconnect. This lasted quite awhile, and it was hard. I wasn't sure if it was because I didn't have the energy to give, or she had pulled back . . it was probably a bit of both. We kept assuring her that God had provided great doctors, that I was going to be fine, and that we trusted God to take care of it all! In the midst of all of this, the day I returned from the hospital Aleeya asked me if I still had the card and pictures from her birth mom. I told her I did and she seemed fine with that. About a week later, she asked to see them. It had been a few weeks since we last looked at them, so I said that was fine and we looked at them together. As we looked, she had some tears, and I told her that was normal and it was ok to cry. Then she wanted to have some time alone with them. About fifteen minutes later, she gave them back to me to store in a special place and seemed ok. Well, over the next couple of weeks I noticed some marked differences in her. Some sadness, some far off looks, and just differences. I wasn't sure what to do about it, so I just watched and prayed. I was continuing to heal. It took about 4 weeks to get over being exhausted, and another 4 weeks to feel like my body was getting back to normal. Three months out, my intestines are still trying to completely heal, but things are good and I'm thankful to be healthy.
All this to say that our relationship went through some tough times. It was hard to know if it was from my being in the hospital, from her looking at the pictures, or something else? There were times I didn't feel connected, and then I saw her not trying to do her part at home and school, and then we had some difficulties with lying once again. As well, she continues to go through the process of growing up as an 11 year old, 5th grade girl. Through it all, I have learned that even when my feelings of closeness aren't there, I still love her immensely, will fight for her, and am committed to her. I'm trying to learn to not feel so guilty when the "feelings" aren't there and when I feel frustrated, and to know that it is a growing process. It just takes continued time to love her the way I want to, the way Jesus would, the way I would if she had been with me the past 11 years. We have had some tough conversations, some tough consequences, and some major prayer and seeking for answers. Scott and I have decided that for now the card and pictures aren't a helpful thing in her life. We have told her that we are going to hold onto them because it causes too much pain right now. I'm not sure of when they will be available again to her, but know that she needs to continue to grieve in a healthy way. This just adds too much extra baggage right now. The good news is that after we go through these things, our relationship ends up being stronger for it all and I learn more about what's going on in her heart.
After dealing with the issue of lying, she asked me if I had ever asked Jesus into my heart more than once. At first, I said that I hadn't, and then realized that I did! When I was four, my parents said I accepted Jesus as my Savior, but I have no recollection of it. Throughout my years growing up, I always questioned it and wondered if I really meant it if I couldn't remember it. When I was 12, I had to know for sure that I had accepted Him personally. So, although I could tell someone how to accept Christ myself, I had a leader lead me through many passages in the Bible, and I prayed and asked Jesus to be my Savior and Lord. This brought such a close relationship with Him, and I knew I was His child. Aleeya said that she felt like she needed to accept Him on her own. She said that she felt like she didn't really understand it when she prayed with me after she had first come to our home, and she wanted to pray to Jesus on her own. That night she did just that as Scott, Ashley, and I listened to a very sweet prayer. I believe she prayed with me the first time because that is what it took to be a part of the "Butler family." But this time, she was praying to be a part of "God's family." When she finished praying, there was a sweet glow on her face and tears in her eyes. I thanked God for allowing lying to bring her to a place of knowing her need for forgiveness. She understands that she will still sin, but she knows her relationship with God is forever!
Scott was blessed to go to Israel at the end of February, and he was gone for 11 days . . overseas! We have never been apart that long, never been overseas without each other, and I have never had four children by myself for that long. I was quite teary the day before he left and couldn't figure out why. While I encouraged him to go when the opportunity presented itself, I hadn't really prepared for all that it meant. We ended up doing ok through it all, had a few tough times with stuff, but I was reminded of how much he brings security to our home and why God has made us one! He was forever changed by the trip and got to show us pictures of the many places where Jesus walked. It was great for all of us to see and learn! Since he's been home, there have been times I've looked over to see him dancing ballroom style with Aleeya in the kitchen, or giving her a tight hug, or just picking on her for fun, and realized that he brings so much extra love to her life - it is awesome! So thankful to have him for me and for our whole family!!!
Homework/School work - that has been the one thing that has really been difficult these past three months. Something happened that made her not as apt to trying as before, or things got harder, or I'm not sure!!! I've tried to figure it out, I've tried to encourage her, I've tried to be tough on her to make her want to try - it's just been difficult! One day I had to go for a walk by myself so that I wouldn't go crazy on her. I think I can tell when she's trying and when she's not, but sometimes I'm just not sure! This adds to the guilt feeling - should I be so hard on her? Maybe she is giving it her best and this is how it looks? Maybe school work isn't as important as I make it? Maybe it's just too much? Maybe the past four years of school she hasn't really been able to learn because of poor school environments and teachers and foster families that didn't care as much? I should just enjoy her and forget about it? But somehow, that doesn't sound right. Because I really care about her, I have to help her, have to encourage her to do her best, have to care. And I really do!! So, we keep working through it, learning as we go, and hoping that things will improve. I would greatly appreciate prayer in this area!!!
We did have one major talk recently about her missing her mom and grandma, something that sometimes causes her to be not focussing at school. She shared some personal thoughts about it all. I asked her if she understands why she can't be with them, and she said no. I could tell that has been confusing to her at times. When she was looking at the pictures, they all look happy and everything looks great. But I had to remind her of why she's not able to be with them. I helped her to know that it wasn't her fault, that I know her birth mom loves her, but that she isn't able to care for her or any other child in the way she should. This is a hard line to walk. I don't want to be negative about her birth mom, but want Aleeya to see the truth. One thing I am sure is that her birth mom must have a very sweet heart, because Aleeya has such a sweet and caring heart and I love that! After we talked, she asked me to pray and as we hugged, I talked to Jesus about her sweet life and we prayed for her birth family. It was a very special time!
Oh yeah, I forgot about how everything has worked out with the appeal process for her case. We were waiting in January to hear if her birthparents had appealed the .26 hearing, which was the court hearing that took away their parental rights. We knew that this was an appeal that almost always happened (because all they have to do is sign one paper, and pretty much every lawyer has them do it). We had prayed that somehow it wouldn't happen in Aleeya's case . . that her birthparents would opt not to sign it and allow Aleeya to become part of a forever family since she is 11 and so needs to be stable. But, our social worker said they had appealed. I had so much faith that God could stop it, but He chose to allow it. We also found out that there were two other appeals from the birth father that were holding things up, but they were from awhile ago and seemed insignificant to me. Well, those two appeals were actually pretty huge, and could have held us up quite awhile I found out later. When we found all this out, we couldn't figure out how to tell Aleeya so we kept it to ourselves. This past week, we got some AMAZING news, and on a day we so needed some great news! The two former appeals have been denied and we are only waiting for the .26 appeal to be denied! These are the "normal" appeals and things are looking good for us to finalize this year! Please join us in praying that they get denied quickly, that somehow they get moved to the top of the pile, and that we get to finalize as quickly as possible!!! We had a special dinner where Aleeya got a special plate and we celebrated this news! We are hoping for a miracle, and would love to finalize this summer!!! God knows!
Thanks for caring for our family and for your prayers . . . thanks so much!
