Habakkuk 3:17,18
"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior."
While we did have a reprieve for about a week, where things seemed to be getting better, we are continuing through a season of difficult times, difficult behavior and attitudes. Our adoption agency had taught us about many of these things, but it feels a little different somehow . . . probably because she's eleven and did so well for the first couple of months (so we know she's capable), probably because we feel like we are giving her every opportunity to do right and trying to teach and train . . . probably because the "honeymoon" is over. But we have to remember that so much of this is "normal" for her and that we haven't had her for the past eleven years to teach, train, and love. And we don't understand her past experiences and how that shapes her today. So, we are seeking advice and trying to learn how to handle the things we are facing, and we are praying for God's wisdom each day. Our social worker has encouraged us that this is usually the bottom point and that we have most likely seen the worst, that we aren't likely to see new behaviors pop up. But he's also warned us that the upcoming court date (November 17th) would likely be a difficult time as well. I have to say that I find myself tensing up a bit as this month draws to an end, and November is right around the corner. As much as I thought I was ok with it, I know the reality is that it will be very hard to face that day. I'm also really thankful that we are heading into the special times of Thanksgiving and Christmas as this time of year brings a special joy in our home.
As well, we have had some "special times" together lately. A couple of weeks ago, I took all the kids back to where Aleeya had lived to meet up with her best friend. I knew that she missed him, and I had promised that we would go visit when possible. So, we took a Saturday and made it a day trip. We tried to get a hold of a couple of other girlfriends of hers, but they weren't able to make it. So, I picked up her best bud, and we went to a nearby park. The kids all seemed to have fun together, and I was glad we did it. It was somewhat of a difficult day for me, mainly because the drive back to where we used to visit her just brings so many emotions. On our way home, we told her about how hard it was to drive home without her and the kids mentioned how quiet our van was on the way home. She asked why, and we told her it was hard to leave her each time. She smiled and I think it made her feel special and loved inside.
As well, I took her on a "Woman to Woman" trip. This is a trip Scott did with the boys (except it was called a "Man to Man" trip, of course) when they were eleven to talk to them about what it means to grow up and become a man. Each trip has been a couple of days that was tailored to that child's interests. On my trip with Aleeya, I thought it would be neat to travel to San Diego and take her to Sea World. She loves Orca whales and had never been to Sea World. Plus, on the way down there, I wanted to show her where we used to live in So Cal and where many of our memories have been made. We went to our favorite restaurant there, and she loved it. During the trip, we listened to James Dobson's series on "Preparing for Adolescence," which talks about conformity, inferiority, how your body changes and grows during those years, the meaning of love, and finding your identity. It is a great series and really helps pre-adolescent kids to be ready for the upcoming years in their life. We spent a couple of nights with some friends that lived down there, and visited one of my best friends on the way home. We had lots of time to talk on our trip, and one of the neatest times was when she asked me questions about God for about an hour straight. She seemed to really enjoy Sea World, and we got to feed and pet some dolphins which was really fun for both of us! That day at Sea World marked a special date - we have now had her for 3 months. My goal in all of this was to spend some special time with her, help her feel loved and special, prepare her for her future years as a teenager, and just be with her for some special quality time.
While I believe that much of that happened, we also had quite a few difficult times together. Behavior and attitudes were not what I expected. When we arrived home, I felt frustrated and sad. I realized that I need some help in learning to parent her. I tend to be straight up about my feelings and anything that concerns me with my children, so we had some talks about stuff, but I wasn't sure I was coming at things the right way. So, I'm seeking the help needed, and trying to learn how to understand her and help her in the best way possible. We've continued with some difficult times since we've been home, and at times, I found myself feeling defeated and wanting to hide. Yet God gives me extra strength to confront it, be her parent, and I ask Him for an extra dose of His love to flow through me to her (even when I don't feel like it). I've gone through feelings of guilt when I don't really want to be around her, feelings that I'm not able to do this, feelings of fear as I realize that she may always have these characteristics and I may not be able to get through to her, etc. And then I remember that God clearly told us that we were to adopt, that she was the one, and that He is our Shelter, our Refuge, and He is faithful. We don't need to fear, for He is with us (Psalm 91). His Word is truly what gives me hope and security during times when I'm not sure what to do or how to handle life. And I remember that though things may look bleak, yet I will rejoice in God my Savior! He has done great things for us!
So . . . I'd like to ask for your continued prayers during this time. Only God is able to help us, and He is quite capable! Thanks for your love and support - it really does help.
The Butler Family
WE ARE FAMILY!!!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Thursday, October 13, 2011
A Couple of Weeks . . . October 12, 2011
Not really sure how to start this one, but it has been "a couple of weeks." I'm not sure why I haven't blogged except to say that I kinda wait for it to feel like I need to before I sit down and start typing. And there are times when things are happening so quickly and I don't have time to make sense of it all, so I wait . . . hoping it will all come together. Not saying that it has all come together, but I'm at a point where it's time to type. So . . . here goes.
I guess it's been about 3 weeks since I last posted. I remember thinking that first week that there was nothing to report. It had been such a normal, peaceful time for our family and life felt pretty good. Now, looking back, I think I should have basked in the beauty of that time and mentioned what an amazing thing it was!
The past two weeks have not quite proved to be the same. While none of this is meant to complain or feel sorry for myself, it has been a difficult two weeks. Scott went away for a week with our son Alec to 6th grade science camp. They had a great time together making awesome memories, and I'm so glad he went. But I hadn't thought through how that might change our family dynamics for the week. I was a single mom to three kids, one of whom is still transitioning. And for her, our family structure means a ton! Imagine that! There is absolutely no way I could do this adoption without Scott, and his presence just brings so much to each day! It also happened to be the week that we had our social workers come for a visit - how fun! Things actually seemed ok until that Tuesday. Somehow, since that visit, things have been a little rough.
During that visit, we learned that Aleeya does want to go to an event that may bring more difficult times our way. This gets a little confusing, but we need your prayers for this date, so I'll try to explain. At our first visit with her social worker about a month earlier, we learned that because Aleeya is 11 yrs. old (over 10 is the age), she has the right to attend the .26 hearing. This is a hearing that will terminate her parents rights and free her to be adopted legally. We had no idea that this would even be an option (we were looking for a 4-8 yr. old originally, so nobody mentioned it). I remember being caught by surprise and wanting to fight the idea at first, but I listened and tried to remain calm as the social worker told us that she was talking to Aleeya about it to see if she wanted to go. Later, I realized how normal it would be for her to want to go - her mom would be there most likely and she could see her again. She hasn't seen her since March and thought that would be the last time. After some time to process, God began to help me to see that this could be a good thing for me to be able to go through with her. A time where I could better understand her life and history. A time where I could be there to comfort her as needed. So, Scott and I began to pray for His will.
During this visit, with Scott gone, her social worker told me that she does want to attend. And while it wasn't shocking news, it was still something that moved me. That night, she wanted to talk for awhile. I had said something that upset her, and she needed to let me know. It was something that I in no way meant to hurt her, but it did. I realized how sensitive she is to certain subjects, and asked for her forgiveness. She also asked me some really amazing questions - "would you still want to adopt me if I was bad?" And she started another questions with - "ok, mom this is totally not true or anything, but what if I didn't like God or going to church, would you still adopt me?" Wow, she had been thinking! I told her yes for both cases, that we had prayed and asked God to show us our girl, and He had been clear. I told her that she would have some tough consequences if she was bad, that we would be sad if she didn't love God, and that she would still go to church with us even if she didn't like it. She then said "but I'm glad we're Christians!," which is so evident in her life. And the amount of times she's been so excited before and after going to church is pretty overwhelming! Still, it was pretty amazing that she was asking these questions. We also talked about the upcoming court date (November 17th), and I asked her how she felt about it. She said she was excited to get to see her mom and see if she's changed any. I told her it might be a good day and a hard day all together, and after I explained, she agreed.
Throughout that week, we began to "bump heads" a lot. Nothing awful and no major arguing or anything. We just weren't getting along as well, and some of her behavior seemed out of sorts, and we've had to talk through a few things. Could have been because Scott was gone, could have been because she's realizing she will see her mom again, could have been totally normal 5th grade girl stuff, could have been because I was tired with Scott gone! Most likely, a combination of it all! But it has kinda continued since then. Things became lots better once Scott came home, but it's still there. I've talked with her about it, and she was kind and listened, but something is just there. Not sure it it's a bit of a power struggle, or her just testing me and my love for her?
So, I've felt a little more overwhelmed and tired than usual. The social workers came back for a visit yesterday, and our social worker reminded me that usually we will see the toughest times during the second and third month and that this is normal and we are actually doing great! He also said that the court date will probably be another bump in the road. And while I know things are fine and God is good and completely in control, I'm also quite sure that I'm not strong enough to do all of this. So many fears come into my head and I wonder about now and the future. I know that fear comes only from Satan, and God reminds me that He's been with us all along showing us that this is His will and He will stay with us no matter what!
I keep hearing a song on the radio that has been a great encouragement. It's a song by Matthew West that says:
"You must, you must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me, forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more that I can do . . . on my own
I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up, I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough, strong enough for the both of us
Cause I'm broken, down to nothing
but I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God and you are strong
When I am week
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be . . Strong enough . . Strong enough"
So thankful for how music and His Word daily ministers to me. And this has stirred up my desire to really seek God with my whole heart and ask for His wisdom! He has led me to draw closer to Him and spend more time with Him, and it is a good thing!
So, we continue in our journey. Our days are still filled with lots of homework to do together - she's catching up on missed time with a mom to help her learn. As well, we have started reading a book together for her monthly book report to help her better understand some wording since she struggled with the last book she read. I'm pretty sure that there are many words that she is not understanding - she can read them really well, but possibly due to learning two languages up until she was 8 and probably not learning the English that we all know so well, we are reading together so I can try to explain as we go. And the really amazing thing (I think) is that somehow the past two books she's picked for her book reports are about foster/adopted kids. It's really wild because we didn't go looking for them and didn't even spend much time in the library getting them, they just looked good and we checked them out! It was after she started reading them that we realized. Thankfully, the one she has now is a Christian based book and this girl just happens into a Christian family. Coincidence? I doubt it. I often feel bad for her having to spend so much time working on homework, but she perseveres pretty well most days and often thanks me for helping. We have days when I can tell she is "so done," but when she brings home those good grades, the smile tells me it's all worth it!
There are days when I remember how easy it was just having three, but I can't imagine life without her! Even through the struggles, I watch her and realize I'm quite in love with this girl! Please keep praying for us as we learn and grow together, and especially for our November 17th day that God would be with us and show Himself strong in all of it! Thanks so much!
I guess it's been about 3 weeks since I last posted. I remember thinking that first week that there was nothing to report. It had been such a normal, peaceful time for our family and life felt pretty good. Now, looking back, I think I should have basked in the beauty of that time and mentioned what an amazing thing it was!
The past two weeks have not quite proved to be the same. While none of this is meant to complain or feel sorry for myself, it has been a difficult two weeks. Scott went away for a week with our son Alec to 6th grade science camp. They had a great time together making awesome memories, and I'm so glad he went. But I hadn't thought through how that might change our family dynamics for the week. I was a single mom to three kids, one of whom is still transitioning. And for her, our family structure means a ton! Imagine that! There is absolutely no way I could do this adoption without Scott, and his presence just brings so much to each day! It also happened to be the week that we had our social workers come for a visit - how fun! Things actually seemed ok until that Tuesday. Somehow, since that visit, things have been a little rough.
During that visit, we learned that Aleeya does want to go to an event that may bring more difficult times our way. This gets a little confusing, but we need your prayers for this date, so I'll try to explain. At our first visit with her social worker about a month earlier, we learned that because Aleeya is 11 yrs. old (over 10 is the age), she has the right to attend the .26 hearing. This is a hearing that will terminate her parents rights and free her to be adopted legally. We had no idea that this would even be an option (we were looking for a 4-8 yr. old originally, so nobody mentioned it). I remember being caught by surprise and wanting to fight the idea at first, but I listened and tried to remain calm as the social worker told us that she was talking to Aleeya about it to see if she wanted to go. Later, I realized how normal it would be for her to want to go - her mom would be there most likely and she could see her again. She hasn't seen her since March and thought that would be the last time. After some time to process, God began to help me to see that this could be a good thing for me to be able to go through with her. A time where I could better understand her life and history. A time where I could be there to comfort her as needed. So, Scott and I began to pray for His will.
During this visit, with Scott gone, her social worker told me that she does want to attend. And while it wasn't shocking news, it was still something that moved me. That night, she wanted to talk for awhile. I had said something that upset her, and she needed to let me know. It was something that I in no way meant to hurt her, but it did. I realized how sensitive she is to certain subjects, and asked for her forgiveness. She also asked me some really amazing questions - "would you still want to adopt me if I was bad?" And she started another questions with - "ok, mom this is totally not true or anything, but what if I didn't like God or going to church, would you still adopt me?" Wow, she had been thinking! I told her yes for both cases, that we had prayed and asked God to show us our girl, and He had been clear. I told her that she would have some tough consequences if she was bad, that we would be sad if she didn't love God, and that she would still go to church with us even if she didn't like it. She then said "but I'm glad we're Christians!," which is so evident in her life. And the amount of times she's been so excited before and after going to church is pretty overwhelming! Still, it was pretty amazing that she was asking these questions. We also talked about the upcoming court date (November 17th), and I asked her how she felt about it. She said she was excited to get to see her mom and see if she's changed any. I told her it might be a good day and a hard day all together, and after I explained, she agreed.
Throughout that week, we began to "bump heads" a lot. Nothing awful and no major arguing or anything. We just weren't getting along as well, and some of her behavior seemed out of sorts, and we've had to talk through a few things. Could have been because Scott was gone, could have been because she's realizing she will see her mom again, could have been totally normal 5th grade girl stuff, could have been because I was tired with Scott gone! Most likely, a combination of it all! But it has kinda continued since then. Things became lots better once Scott came home, but it's still there. I've talked with her about it, and she was kind and listened, but something is just there. Not sure it it's a bit of a power struggle, or her just testing me and my love for her?
So, I've felt a little more overwhelmed and tired than usual. The social workers came back for a visit yesterday, and our social worker reminded me that usually we will see the toughest times during the second and third month and that this is normal and we are actually doing great! He also said that the court date will probably be another bump in the road. And while I know things are fine and God is good and completely in control, I'm also quite sure that I'm not strong enough to do all of this. So many fears come into my head and I wonder about now and the future. I know that fear comes only from Satan, and God reminds me that He's been with us all along showing us that this is His will and He will stay with us no matter what!
I keep hearing a song on the radio that has been a great encouragement. It's a song by Matthew West that says:
"You must, you must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me, forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more that I can do . . . on my own
I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up, I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough, strong enough for the both of us
Cause I'm broken, down to nothing
but I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God and you are strong
When I am week
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be . . Strong enough . . Strong enough"
So thankful for how music and His Word daily ministers to me. And this has stirred up my desire to really seek God with my whole heart and ask for His wisdom! He has led me to draw closer to Him and spend more time with Him, and it is a good thing!
So, we continue in our journey. Our days are still filled with lots of homework to do together - she's catching up on missed time with a mom to help her learn. As well, we have started reading a book together for her monthly book report to help her better understand some wording since she struggled with the last book she read. I'm pretty sure that there are many words that she is not understanding - she can read them really well, but possibly due to learning two languages up until she was 8 and probably not learning the English that we all know so well, we are reading together so I can try to explain as we go. And the really amazing thing (I think) is that somehow the past two books she's picked for her book reports are about foster/adopted kids. It's really wild because we didn't go looking for them and didn't even spend much time in the library getting them, they just looked good and we checked them out! It was after she started reading them that we realized. Thankfully, the one she has now is a Christian based book and this girl just happens into a Christian family. Coincidence? I doubt it. I often feel bad for her having to spend so much time working on homework, but she perseveres pretty well most days and often thanks me for helping. We have days when I can tell she is "so done," but when she brings home those good grades, the smile tells me it's all worth it!
There are days when I remember how easy it was just having three, but I can't imagine life without her! Even through the struggles, I watch her and realize I'm quite in love with this girl! Please keep praying for us as we learn and grow together, and especially for our November 17th day that God would be with us and show Himself strong in all of it! Thanks so much!
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