Not really sure how to start this one, but it has been "a couple of weeks." I'm not sure why I haven't blogged except to say that I kinda wait for it to feel like I need to before I sit down and start typing. And there are times when things are happening so quickly and I don't have time to make sense of it all, so I wait . . . hoping it will all come together. Not saying that it has all come together, but I'm at a point where it's time to type. So . . . here goes.
I guess it's been about 3 weeks since I last posted. I remember thinking that first week that there was nothing to report. It had been such a normal, peaceful time for our family and life felt pretty good. Now, looking back, I think I should have basked in the beauty of that time and mentioned what an amazing thing it was!
The past two weeks have not quite proved to be the same. While none of this is meant to complain or feel sorry for myself, it has been a difficult two weeks. Scott went away for a week with our son Alec to 6th grade science camp. They had a great time together making awesome memories, and I'm so glad he went. But I hadn't thought through how that might change our family dynamics for the week. I was a single mom to three kids, one of whom is still transitioning. And for her, our family structure means a ton! Imagine that! There is absolutely no way I could do this adoption without Scott, and his presence just brings so much to each day! It also happened to be the week that we had our social workers come for a visit - how fun! Things actually seemed ok until that Tuesday. Somehow, since that visit, things have been a little rough.
During that visit, we learned that Aleeya does want to go to an event that may bring more difficult times our way. This gets a little confusing, but we need your prayers for this date, so I'll try to explain. At our first visit with her social worker about a month earlier, we learned that because Aleeya is 11 yrs. old (over 10 is the age), she has the right to attend the .26 hearing. This is a hearing that will terminate her parents rights and free her to be adopted legally. We had no idea that this would even be an option (we were looking for a 4-8 yr. old originally, so nobody mentioned it). I remember being caught by surprise and wanting to fight the idea at first, but I listened and tried to remain calm as the social worker told us that she was talking to Aleeya about it to see if she wanted to go. Later, I realized how normal it would be for her to want to go - her mom would be there most likely and she could see her again. She hasn't seen her since March and thought that would be the last time. After some time to process, God began to help me to see that this could be a good thing for me to be able to go through with her. A time where I could better understand her life and history. A time where I could be there to comfort her as needed. So, Scott and I began to pray for His will.
During this visit, with Scott gone, her social worker told me that she does want to attend. And while it wasn't shocking news, it was still something that moved me. That night, she wanted to talk for awhile. I had said something that upset her, and she needed to let me know. It was something that I in no way meant to hurt her, but it did. I realized how sensitive she is to certain subjects, and asked for her forgiveness. She also asked me some really amazing questions - "would you still want to adopt me if I was bad?" And she started another questions with - "ok, mom this is totally not true or anything, but what if I didn't like God or going to church, would you still adopt me?" Wow, she had been thinking! I told her yes for both cases, that we had prayed and asked God to show us our girl, and He had been clear. I told her that she would have some tough consequences if she was bad, that we would be sad if she didn't love God, and that she would still go to church with us even if she didn't like it. She then said "but I'm glad we're Christians!," which is so evident in her life. And the amount of times she's been so excited before and after going to church is pretty overwhelming! Still, it was pretty amazing that she was asking these questions. We also talked about the upcoming court date (November 17th), and I asked her how she felt about it. She said she was excited to get to see her mom and see if she's changed any. I told her it might be a good day and a hard day all together, and after I explained, she agreed.
Throughout that week, we began to "bump heads" a lot. Nothing awful and no major arguing or anything. We just weren't getting along as well, and some of her behavior seemed out of sorts, and we've had to talk through a few things. Could have been because Scott was gone, could have been because she's realizing she will see her mom again, could have been totally normal 5th grade girl stuff, could have been because I was tired with Scott gone! Most likely, a combination of it all! But it has kinda continued since then. Things became lots better once Scott came home, but it's still there. I've talked with her about it, and she was kind and listened, but something is just there. Not sure it it's a bit of a power struggle, or her just testing me and my love for her?
So, I've felt a little more overwhelmed and tired than usual. The social workers came back for a visit yesterday, and our social worker reminded me that usually we will see the toughest times during the second and third month and that this is normal and we are actually doing great! He also said that the court date will probably be another bump in the road. And while I know things are fine and God is good and completely in control, I'm also quite sure that I'm not strong enough to do all of this. So many fears come into my head and I wonder about now and the future. I know that fear comes only from Satan, and God reminds me that He's been with us all along showing us that this is His will and He will stay with us no matter what!
I keep hearing a song on the radio that has been a great encouragement. It's a song by Matthew West that says:
"You must, you must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me, forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more that I can do . . . on my own
I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up, I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough, strong enough for the both of us
Cause I'm broken, down to nothing
but I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God and you are strong
When I am week
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be . . Strong enough . . Strong enough"
So thankful for how music and His Word daily ministers to me. And this has stirred up my desire to really seek God with my whole heart and ask for His wisdom! He has led me to draw closer to Him and spend more time with Him, and it is a good thing!
So, we continue in our journey. Our days are still filled with lots of homework to do together - she's catching up on missed time with a mom to help her learn. As well, we have started reading a book together for her monthly book report to help her better understand some wording since she struggled with the last book she read. I'm pretty sure that there are many words that she is not understanding - she can read them really well, but possibly due to learning two languages up until she was 8 and probably not learning the English that we all know so well, we are reading together so I can try to explain as we go. And the really amazing thing (I think) is that somehow the past two books she's picked for her book reports are about foster/adopted kids. It's really wild because we didn't go looking for them and didn't even spend much time in the library getting them, they just looked good and we checked them out! It was after she started reading them that we realized. Thankfully, the one she has now is a Christian based book and this girl just happens into a Christian family. Coincidence? I doubt it. I often feel bad for her having to spend so much time working on homework, but she perseveres pretty well most days and often thanks me for helping. We have days when I can tell she is "so done," but when she brings home those good grades, the smile tells me it's all worth it!
There are days when I remember how easy it was just having three, but I can't imagine life without her! Even through the struggles, I watch her and realize I'm quite in love with this girl! Please keep praying for us as we learn and grow together, and especially for our November 17th day that God would be with us and show Himself strong in all of it! Thanks so much!
Praying for you!
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