Learning to give you all of me . . . December 20, 2011

In the past month, I keep hearing a song on the radio that makes me stop, listen, identify with, and then sing passionately (now I didn't say it sounds really good, but is definitely sung with great heart).  I wasn't really sure what it was about at first, but somehow parts of it so felt like it was for me . . . my feelings for Aleeya and the relationship that began in June of this year.  I know I tend to list a lot of songs, but this one keeps touching me in so many ways.  Here it is . . .

All of Me

Afraid to love something that could break
Could I move on if you were torn away?
I’m so close to what I can’t control
Can’t give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole

You’re gonna have all of me
You’re gonna have all of me
You’re worth every falling tear
You’re worth facing any fear

You’re gonna know all my love
Even if it’s not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I’ll start

I won’t let sadness steal you from my arms
I won’t let pain keep you from my heart
I’ll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I’ll share with you

Heaven brought you to this moment
It’s too wonderful to speak
You’re worth all of me
You’re worth all of me

Let me recklessly love you
Even if I bleed
You’re worth all of me
You’re worth all of me


I did some research on this song, and it was written by Matt Hammitt of Sanctus Real.  He wrote it for his unborn son at the time.  They had learned that he would be born with half a heart and need surgery soon after birth.  He was afraid to love, afraid to hurt.  Ends up, their little Bowen is doing very well a year later and is really cute!  You can check him out on bowensheart.com.

The part of this that I find myself relating to is underlined.  There are so many times I've felt like I have no control.  I remember not knowing if and when she would come to our home, there's the not knowing when it will all be finalized and how she will end up feeling about all of this (much later in life).  There's the wondering if our love is enough and can fix the hurt in her life.  There's the fear of loving her so much and not knowing if she will feel fully loved and fully secure . . . something I had never really considered with my other three kids.  There's the knowing I need to and want to give all my love to her, but not knowing if it's actually happening.  That one is really hard to face some days.

Then there is the joy of knowing Heaven brought her to our family, to this moment, to be a part of our lives that is truly too wonderful to speak!  And there's the part of me that knows I will recklessly love her even if it hurts . . . and this is a good place.

These are some of the things I know so many adoptive families feel, and I am just one.  I pray that our love will be reckless for these children God has brought into our lives, even when it's difficult, even when we don't understand things.  Yes, my prayer for sweet Aleeya is that she will know all my love, but even more, all of His love . . .

Preparing for Christmas . . . December 15, 2011

As we prepare for Christmas, here are some of the ways our life is shaping up:

Our Christmas shopping was a little different this year as I took each of the kids out separately.  We used to be able to sneak it in together, but they are getting too smart for that, and this worked out great as it gave me special time with each of them.  It was fun to see them find special items for their siblings and get so excited about it!

Another change needed to happen this year since we have only five stockings, and they're kinda special ones that I found at Ross one year (in other words, not ones you see normally).  So, since Scott and I really don't care about having stockings and usually have a hard time filling them for each other anyhow, the kids thought it would be neat to make the center stocking for Jesus this year.  They are filling it with a gift of money to be used for a special gift to World Help for children/adults in need.  Once they all contribute, they are going to pick out what they'd like to give from a catalog they sent us - thinks like Bibles for China, or a drinking well, or harvest-producing seeds to plant, or bedding for a child.  The really cool thing is there is already $90 in there and that came from only two of them (from small allowances and money from Nana & Pop Pop for grades and to spend for Christmas).  God has really opened their hearts to caring for others this year and I am so proud of them.  If you're interested in helping too, you can go to worldhelp.net/giftsofhope.

One other fun thing is that a couple of months ago, I took Aleeya shopping for some fall/winter clothes.  While we were out, she saw the pretty Christmas dresses and wanted to try some on while we were there.  I said "sure," but that we would wait until later to decide if we would buy one (they are kinda expensive).   As time moved on, finances were really tight and I didn't know if she would really care.  Well, she mentioned it again and my heart said that it would be really good for her to get dressed up for Christmas!  And she wanted to match Ashley, so it would be cute to see the two of them matching as we went to our special Christmas events.  Well, I went to find them kinda late in the season, and they were all gone.  After going to a couple of stores, calling the online store, and finding one that I didn't think would fit, we found both dresses and on great sales (which took away the guilt factor).  For our girl that says she's a tomboy, she is going to be a beautiful young lady this Christmas and my heart is full!

Tonight, I went outside to find Alec playing basketball and the two girls laying in the front yard looking up at the stars and singing "Silent Night."  Alec came over to me and told me how they were really struggling to find a good key, but all I saw was pure awesomeness!  Loved that they were worshipping together under the heaven He made.  When they came in, they told me they saw a shooting star - weird thing is we've seen like five this year and I've only seen like one or two my whole life - love that God did that for them!  And yes, they did make a wish :)!

We are all very excited that tomorrow it is the last day (half day actually) of school and are looking forward to Christmas break!  More traditions to be made, some fun family times to be had, and relaxed time in between all the Christmas performances at church.  We are going to get to serve at the Modesto Gospel Mission, which will be a huge blessing and are really excited about this upcoming big weekend at church celebrating with five special services!  Then on Monday night, Scott will be directing our choir (and Austin is in it for the first time), who is backing up Point of Grace.  Then next weekend, our church will have three Christmas Eve services, and one service on Christmas Day!  It will be really special to attend together as a family!

We've decided to do some of our family traditions on the 23rd (gifts and Christmas dinner) so we can enjoy really worshipping and celebrating His birthday on Sunday.  We'll save the stockings and maybe one special gift for Christmas day, but want it to be a relaxing, joyful time.  Hoping it works out well, and thankful that we get to celebrate in so many special ways!  Today, I was really struck by how special Christmas really is - it's a day we celebrate the fact that God sent a Savior (a baby) into our world . . to save us from our sins.  So thankful for this Truth!

Our First Thanksgiving Together . . . December 9, 2011

We tried to go into our first Thanksgiving together with happiness and excitement, yet wondered if she would feel the same or if it might be difficult to go through the holidays.  I didn't know what to expect exactly, but really wanted her to experience our traditions and wanted to care about any traditions she might have as well.  One way we did this was by asking if there were certain things she would like to have at our Thanksgiving dinner (feast) - turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, creamed corn, homemade apple sauce, fresh green beans, green bean casserole (because too many like that too), cranberries, rolls, etc - basically a ridiculous amount of food for one family, but great for lots of leftovers.  She said raspberries, which was a first for me, and yams.  I then proceeded to ask her how she liked the yams; you know - baked, candied, with marshmallows on top, etc.  She surprised me on this one too and said they were like french fries.  So, I went shopping and was quite surprised and happy to find those in the frozen section!  We added them to the list.  While the raspberries will probably stay each year, the "sweet potato french fries" didn't seem like that great of a hit so we may toss that one?

The other three kids kept telling her how much fun this weekend would be - Thanksgiving day with the feast and movie night with friends, followed by putting up Christmas decorations the next day.  They love it!  Well, Thanksgiving morning came and we had a nice breakfast and then we all watched some of the parade, mixed with lots of football as we cooked.  The strange thing was that we kept looking for Aleeya.  She is normally hanging with us, but we kept finding her in her room reading a book.  She had been reading more than usual lately, but this seemed a little strange on Thanksgiving Day.  I didn't want her to feel like it was wrong to want to be alone, and wanted her to have the freedom to do that if she needed to, so I just checked on her in between cooking.  I felt kinda bad that I was so busy cooking, but wasn't sure how to handle it.  Finally, Austin asked where she was and I told him she was reading.  It was really cool because he said I'm going to get her so we can play some games, and he did.  It was great!  Next thing we knew they were all playing games and hanging out!

We planned to just have our family for dinner like we often do on Thanksgiving, since it's the last time off we have as a family before the all the Christmas rehearsals and performances begin (the life of a worship pastor's family).  Sometimes we invite people over, but we really wanted her to be at the table with us, and we only have six chairs around our dining room table.  We also wanted her to experience it with just family this year!  As we sat to eat, she was surprised by all the food.  Later she said that she had never had a big Thanksgiving meal like that.  We went around the table asking everyone what they were thankful for this year.  All of us mentioned having Aleeya with us in some form and she smiled sweetly.  I loved her answer because she talked about Jesus and her family.  It was a special time and I think she needed to hear how thankful we were for God bringing her to us!

Later that night, we went to the home of some great friends to watch a Christmas movie and have popcorn. She spent most of the time leaning on my shoulder and cuddling during the movie.  I am so thankful that she's not shy about needing love and just snuggles up!  I was so thankful for that down time to do just that!

The next day involved getting out all the containers of Christmas stuff we've collected over the years.  We had our Christmas music playing loudly and our santa hats on (I made sure we bought an extra this year)!  The other three kids loved showing her all the special memories, and she seemed to enjoy it.  But I felt a sadness that she had no memories in those bins.  Our kids get an ornament each year to put on the tree (something that reminds them of that year - a new sport or something they enjoy), and she didn't have an ornament.  We also do a tree with all the kids homemade ornaments, and I was SO thankful that she had recently been to a birthday party where she had made an ornament with her initial "A."  It was awesome to see that the kids had her put that ornament right in the middle of the tree!  We tried to make her feel very included and a part of the day, but I had a sadness, a loss of her past.  There were a few things she did that showed me that she felt sad as well.

While we usually have another movie night at home that night, some friends had given us tickets to go to see a hockey game.  So we put on our santa hats and off we went.  This was a great outing, especially since it was a new thing we got to do together!  She really enjoyed it and we shared lots of smiles and laughs!

That night, Scott and I decided that we needed to go out the next morning together and get our ornaments for this year!  The first one we found was hers - I saw an Orca whale and showed her, and that was it!  We also found a dragonfly and an ornament that said "Joy" (her middle name) with a bell on it for our family ornaments (Scott and me) this year.  When we put them on the tree, things seemed much more complete!  And yes, her orca is right in the middle and happens to be the most noticeable one on the tree!

Throughout the weekend, I definitely noticed some small sad patches, but overall, things went really well and I think we were all happy to have her feel a part of our family traditions.  We talked about how next year, these things will feel like her traditions as well.  I'm finding that I am really big on fairness, and so want her to feel as important as every other child in our family.  So . . . we are planning to go out after Christmas (when the really great sales hit) and look for 10 other ornaments for her to add to our tree next year (remembering her past and redeeming it)!  We are so thankful for God's goodness to us and thankful for our first Thanksgiving together!

Later, a paper came home that she had written at school about "Being Thankful."   Here are a few excerpts from our girls' heart:
"I love Jesus Christ more than anything in the world."
"I imagine Jesus being handsome, funny and nice."
"I am so thankful for Jesus Christ to forgive me for my sins and for everything bad I've done."
"I imagine Jesus and God being honest and funny."
"Remember, He's coming down here some day."
"Jesus, God and the Bible are really special to me."
"The Bible will help anybody to tell the truth."
"My family is great, they are all I can ask for."
I was amazed at her understanding and love for God and was thrilled to read her insights!  Sometimes, I think she gets it all better than I do.  Love her faith and her love for Him and for us!  Just had to share it :).

Over the past couple of weeks since Thanksgiving, Scott and I have realized that we have "our Aleeya" back!  By this I mean that the sadness is gone, the tension is gone, we don't seem to be bumping heads, and we are just enjoying our time together.  She's smiling, joyful, attentive doing homework, thanking me for helping her, and relaxed.  We still have the normal sibling stuff at times . . helping them to get along and be kind, but I'd have to say that even that is going pretty well!  She's fitting in so well, and I think we all feel more and more like a family!  What a blessing - we are going to enjoy these times!

Feelings after the Court Date . . . November 22, 2011

While Aleeya seemed to be doing great and really enjoyed her field trip on the actual court date, she seemed a little different in the days following.  Our social workers had told us that we should expect some rough times after this date.  Over the weekend, she seemed a little more tired than usual, but sometimes she is tired from her week.  One really cool thing that happened was that the day after the court date (Friday), we received our new "Family Pictures," and put them up in the frames in our living room.  There was one large one of the whole family and two 8x10's of the boys and the girls.  When she came home from school, she just kept looking at them.  We seriously caught her looking at them so often, and she would comment about how good they were.  It was neat that the day after her birth parents rights had been terminated, she could literally see herself in her new family.  We have so many family pictures throughout our home, and now we had a completed one!  While we had hoped to get them earlier, the timing of it all was pretty special.

The next two days of school, she seemed very different.  I especially remember picking her up on that Monday and Tuesday and not seeing her smiling face walking toward our van.  There was a heaviness, a sadness, and yet she seemed ok all at once (I guess that's how most of us are even when some tough stuff is going on inside).  As we worked on some math homework, she seemed to have forgotten so much of what she had been learning the past two months.  It was like there was a blocking out of that information.

Looking back, this was one of those times I wish I would have just understood and let it go.  Instead, I tried to get her to remember, to focus and stay with me.  I felt frustrated and didn't understand what was happening.  Now, I wish I would have just sat with her and read or watched a movie, or just taken a walk.  Maybe my way of getting through things is pushing along and she just needed some time.  I'm learning.

On Wednesday, there was a Thanksgiving Party at school and she seemed a little better.  I was so thankful to not have any homework that weekend and just have some good down time with the family together.  I hoped we would see our Aleeya back to her sweet, smiling self again soon.