Learning to give you all of me . . . December 20, 2011

In the past month, I keep hearing a song on the radio that makes me stop, listen, identify with, and then sing passionately (now I didn't say it sounds really good, but is definitely sung with great heart).  I wasn't really sure what it was about at first, but somehow parts of it so felt like it was for me . . . my feelings for Aleeya and the relationship that began in June of this year.  I know I tend to list a lot of songs, but this one keeps touching me in so many ways.  Here it is . . .

All of Me

Afraid to love something that could break
Could I move on if you were torn away?
I’m so close to what I can’t control
Can’t give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole

You’re gonna have all of me
You’re gonna have all of me
You’re worth every falling tear
You’re worth facing any fear

You’re gonna know all my love
Even if it’s not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I’ll start

I won’t let sadness steal you from my arms
I won’t let pain keep you from my heart
I’ll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I’ll share with you

Heaven brought you to this moment
It’s too wonderful to speak
You’re worth all of me
You’re worth all of me

Let me recklessly love you
Even if I bleed
You’re worth all of me
You’re worth all of me


I did some research on this song, and it was written by Matt Hammitt of Sanctus Real.  He wrote it for his unborn son at the time.  They had learned that he would be born with half a heart and need surgery soon after birth.  He was afraid to love, afraid to hurt.  Ends up, their little Bowen is doing very well a year later and is really cute!  You can check him out on bowensheart.com.

The part of this that I find myself relating to is underlined.  There are so many times I've felt like I have no control.  I remember not knowing if and when she would come to our home, there's the not knowing when it will all be finalized and how she will end up feeling about all of this (much later in life).  There's the wondering if our love is enough and can fix the hurt in her life.  There's the fear of loving her so much and not knowing if she will feel fully loved and fully secure . . . something I had never really considered with my other three kids.  There's the knowing I need to and want to give all my love to her, but not knowing if it's actually happening.  That one is really hard to face some days.

Then there is the joy of knowing Heaven brought her to our family, to this moment, to be a part of our lives that is truly too wonderful to speak!  And there's the part of me that knows I will recklessly love her even if it hurts . . . and this is a good place.

These are some of the things I know so many adoptive families feel, and I am just one.  I pray that our love will be reckless for these children God has brought into our lives, even when it's difficult, even when we don't understand things.  Yes, my prayer for sweet Aleeya is that she will know all my love, but even more, all of His love . . .