When Aleeya's social worker came in December, she brought a card with her from Aleeya's birth mom. I was surprised to get it, but also pretty excited because it had pictures that I had so desperately wanted to have for Aleeya . . and for me. It had pictures of her birth mom and grandma. I had so wanted to see what they looked like for my own curiosity, and I had really longed for Aleeya to have them to keep so she would be able to remember. It seemed really important to me!
In fact, I had kinda started this whole thing by having Aleeya write her mom a note before the .26 hearing and asking Aleeya's social worker to ask her birth mom for pictures. But when we got the card, I was a little baffled to know what the best thing to do was. Her social worker said it might be good to show her after Christmas. Scott and I felt like it would be better to show her before Christmas since there's often a natural let down after Christmas. Then we wondered should we even be giving this to her right now . . . how would it affect her, would it be too hard, would it create an awful sadness and grieving? We talked and prayed and then talked with our agency, and they helped us to see that this would be good closure for her. We decided that we should do it before Christmas so she would know her birth mom had been thinking of her.
Grant it . . . there are a lot of opposing thoughts on this subject, and most social workers will have a different opinion. In the end, we had to decide for our family and our 11 year old girl. It was a really tough thing to decide, but we felt this was best for us.
So, on the Tuesday before Christmas, I had Aleeya come into my room and showed her the card. She seemed very happy to receive it. We looked at the pictures together and she read the card. The card was very sweet and my favorite thing that it said was that "as long as Aleeya was happy, she would be happy." I felt this was huge! She was giving permission for Aleeya to be happy, even in her new life. She told her she loved her and thought of her all the time. Aleeya's favorite part was that she said she was praying for her . . . she seemed happy she was praying. Aleeya always seems to care deeply about how her mom is doing, and she was glad to know she was praying.
After we looked together for awhile, Aleeya wanted to spend some more time looking at them. I told her I would give her some time by herself and come check on her later. I had a little photo album to put the pictures in, so we went into Aleeya's room to do that. I headed downstairs and gave her a few minutes. As I came back up to check on her, she had some tears and I asked if she was ok. She said she was fine, and that she was just glad her mom was praying for her. She said she was happy. I told her it was ok to be sad and miss her birth mom, and I understood. We hugged. I told her that she could hold on to everything for a couple of days and then we would put them in a special place to keep them nice. I felt like if she could look at them each day, it would create too much sadness and a longing that couldn't be fulfilled. And of course, Ashley wanted to see them too!
She asked if she could write her mom a letter back, which I wasn't really prepared to answer. At first I thought she should be able to, and then I realized that the court had taken away the birth parents rights for a reason and this would not be healthy for her. Thankfully, I was able to think quickly and told her that this was the last letter she would have. This was a time for closure. We later worked through her understanding of why the courts had made this decision and what that meant for her. After a few days, I told her we should probably put the card and pictures in a special place but that she could see them again in the future.
This was new territory for me, and I found that it wasn't anything I was prepared to understand. And yet, it seemed to go well and we seemed to be navigating it as best we could. I was thankful she seemed happy and not overwhelmed with sadness. I was really glad to have these picture for her as a keepsake. I was also glad we could go through it together. We would have to see how to handle things as time continued.
Wow!! I think you handled this all so well. You were able to honor the relationship and connection to her mother while also honoring the connection to her new family. Dealing with adoption when kids are older is such a tricky road to travel. I am learning from you how I can handle some of the situations we will face someday!!
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