Over the past month, I have blogged much about the daily happenings of our life with our sweet Aleeya. A week ago or so, I told Scott that I hoped that I would be able to stop typing about each detail of each day and get on with other topics. But for a time, that is exactly what I had to do for some reason! Well, I think this is the week for getting past the details. Things are moving along really well and Aleeya is more and more becoming a part of our family, moment by moment.
A few really cool details from this week are a couple of things she said out loud to me during our day-to-day life. She said, "I'm really thankful to have such a great mom and dad!" And I responded, "And we're really thankful to have such a sweet girl like you." As well, she mentioned how great it is to be a part of a "happy family." On Friday of this week, Scott and I met the kids after school (his day off - yay!), and she gave us both red envelopes that said "I love you Mom" and "I love you Daddy" on the outside. Inside were the same sayings with some fun pictures. I loved that mine had a sunshine with sunglasses on - very cute!!! It's nice that she's starting to verbalize her love and thankfulness more and we can see it on her face more and more with each passing week. So thankful to God!
This week, I've had a little more "alone" time while the kids are at school. I have felt much more tired and think that life is beginning to catch up with me. Aleeya even asked me one night if I was "ok?" I was sad that she noticed, but told her that I was just really tired. Thankfully, she seemed very understanding. As I'm sure most school parents are feeling these days, I am trying to figure out our "new routine" and keep things as up-to-date as possible, and it's seeming a little more difficult with four kids now. More food, more laundry, more homework, and all good - just more!
I have realized that this is my first time having all the kids in school and knowing that I would not be starting a "job" outside of the home very soon. Since Ashley has been in kindergarten, I have been working, either at the adoption agency, cleaning, or as a nanny. And for some reason, my not working right now is making me feel somewhat guilty. I'm not sure if it's put there by the fact that most of my friends work, or at least are home schooling their kids, or what - but it's there. Sometimes I feel it by others who seem to imply that I don't have much to do during the day. Yet I know that my days are completely full at the moment, still trying to help settle our sweet girl in our home and trying to get everything possible done during the day so that I am able to really "be" with the kids when they get home from school. They all need tons of stability right now, and I know how huge it is that I am able to look at each paper, see how their day went, work through homework together, and have a nice dinner together around the table. So, I'm trying to accept that this is what God has called me to for now and not feel guilty for being a full-time "wife" and "mom." I've always believed that those were the most important titles given to me by God, yet at times, this world seems to try to steel their significance from me.
There have been some other feelings or emotions running through me over these last few weeks, but I have had a hard time putting a finger on what was going on inside of me. I knew that Scott and I desperately needed a day off together, and although I had a huge "honey do list," decided to not think about it and just enjoy a day with him this Friday. We went to go see a movie called "The Help," which tells the story of how black women used to take care of prominent white women, their homes, and their children in America in the 1960's. These women were treated awful, yet somehow they chose to love these little white children that they would often end up raising. The main character continually tells a sweet little chubby toddler to repeat: "You is kind. You is smart. You is important." This black woman had no real reason to love this little white girl, especially with the way the toddler's mom was treating her or with the way the world was treating her like she was so unimportant, yet she choose to love this little girl and build into her life. I watched with amazement.
As we left the movie, I began to talk openly with Scott about how I wanted to be like that lady and fully love this wonderful child God has brought into our family. I want her to know that "she is kind, she is smart, she is important!" I told him about how guilty I've been feeling lately. I have been wondering if I am loving Aleeya enough? There are so many times that I wonder if I love her as much as our other three children, and this brings huge feelings of guilt and sadness to me. I began to cry as we talked. Then I see how Austin, Alec, and Ashley are all adjusting to all of this and wonder if they are really ok? I begin to worry that as I'm trying to spend special time with Aleeya and give her long hugs, are my other three feeling special enough? I've been seeing little signs of adjusting with each of them, and overall, I'd say they are doing really well, yet as a mom, it's hard to watch. They have all had major security and love their whole life and are so blessed. Aleeya is in need of some special affection and care right now, much like bringing home a new baby, ours just happens to be 11. So, we are all adjusting little by little. Scott was so good and reminded me that we've spent anywhere from 8-14 years with Austin, Alec, and Ashley, and have only known Aleeya for 2 months. Just like with all of our kids, the love grows and grows. She is definitely loved, and that love will only grow with time. I then realized that she probably isn't loving me in the same way that she has loved her birth mom, and that will take time to grow as well and that's ok. Scott also encouraged me that each time I sense that one of the kids is needing some extra love, that it is a reminder to try to find that special time to spend with them and to talk about how they are feeling and reassure them of our love. It felt so good to "get it out!" The funny thing is that these are the things that Scott was concerned about back when we first were talking about adoption, and I was already past it and thought it would all be fine. Turns out, these emotions are real and they do come! Sometimes just being able to talk it out really helps the issue. We both look forward to the time when we have been together for 6 months or a year. For now, I'm just asking God to fill me with His love so I have plenty to share with all our kids!
One other note that I have to share is that my husband has been just amazing!!! He has been the best husband and dad that I could imagine. When he walks in the door, he just brings a calmness and peace over the home. He loves on and jokes with and cares for Aleeya so much, and it is incredible! As well, he continues to care for each of the kids in his own special way. He looks for ways to help me out and has just overwhelmed me as I've seen God's love, grace, and patience flow through Him. So thankful to be his wife and see how God continues to grow us together as a couple, hopefully one that reflects God in some way. I have always thought that each new baby really brings us together in such a unique way and grows our love, and so thankful that it is happening again!
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