Tears came to our home this week . . . September 21, 2011

This past week has kinda been one that we've been waiting for or at least wondering if it would come to our family.  It showed up without warning and yet, it actually ended up being a really good, healthy thing.

Before I blog about that, there is something that is kinda frustrating to me, especially this week.  I find that when you are a child that has been in the foster care system, there are constant reminders that you're not like the "other kids."  Sometimes this comes just by looking around you and seeing that everyone else has "always been with their birth parents."  Sometimes it's because your skin color is different from your new family.  Sometimes it's because it's just hard to figure out what your family is talking about because they have always been together and have history and understand those short phrases that they always say to each other.  I see these types of things pop up a lot with Aleeya.

But then there are other outside things that bring up the fact that they are not like the other kids.  Like every time a social worker visits our home for their monthly visit to check on her and on us.  Or when there are the friends who ask her questions about how she is doing with her new family, and then want to know more about her past.  These are things Aleeya deals with and yet keeps a smile on her face through most of it.  I'm going through a lot of it with her, and think it really stinks sometimes.  It seems to be part of the deal.  Thankfully, we have a lot of love to give her and a great God to help us through it.

In all of this, our goal is to let her feel as "normal" and part of our family as possible!  This past week we got to celebrate Aleeya because of a great accomplishment at school.  She had been struggling and working really hard in Math.  And while I can help her with and explain her homework to her, I can't help on the tests.  I pulled up her grades online one day to see how she was doing, and there it was!  A "90" on her Math Test!!!  I was so excited!!!  I emailed her teacher and began the celebration.  That night I decided that we would definitely be celebrating together!  First, we looked at the paper and I told her how proud I was of her and how "she can do Math!" (belief is part of the battle).  Then, we put the test on the fridge (something I don't think she's ever had the privilege of doing), and then she got to pick what kind of cake she wanted me to make that night for dessert.  Her response was, "I've never had a family celebrate for me."  This was a good thing that was happening!  And by the way, we not have 3 of Aleeya's papers covering the fridge (2 of them she put up just today)!

Well, this week we finally had some tears come to our home.  It's actually a kinda strange thought that I've never seen my daughter cry.  It ended up being a bit of a special time, but it was hard as well.  During our family time with God at night, she looked a little sad.  I wasn't sure what was bothering her, but thought it might be stuff with friends or just being tired.  After prayer, she told me she needed to talk to me.  So . . we went and sat on my bed and she began to cry.  She said that Ashley had asked her about some things, basically seeing if we measured up to her birth family (gotta love that girl).  And while Aleeya said what she asked was fine, it made her think about her birth family.  She talked about missing some of her family and about some of her past.  She said that although she knows we wouldn't ever do it, she sometimes has dreams about us giving her to another family.  She told me some pretty personal, hard stuff and held on and cried.  I listened, hugged, and prayed with her and assured her that we prayed for her so long and that God had given her to us to keep forever!  It was a special time of bonding that lasted for about 45 minutes.  When I felt like she was pretty much finished (for now), I told her she probably needed to get some rest.  So, after some good tissue blowing and a really great big daddy hug (since he just happened to walk in the room right as we were heading out), I followed her into her bedroom and made sure she settled in ok.  The next day, I could see some of the sadness holding on, and I tried to be sensitive while encouraging her that it would be ok.  We talked some more that evening briefly, and that night she asked if we could talk and pray together more often (like every night).  I told her I would be willing whenever she needed it, but that we couldn't always stay up late.  That night we prayed together again, and it really seemed to help.  Since then, we've been able to talk more openly about some stuff, and she seems to be doing better.  It was really healthy to know that she could be open with me, that she trusted that I could help her, and for me to understand the things she's dealing with on the insides.  I found it was really good that this took awhile to come out, as I know her better now and know the girl she is each day.  It made it easier to hear and understand what she had to say.

I'm finding as time goes by, it is easier to treat her like "one of my own."  To tell her things like:  you need to re-make your bed, or go blow your nose, or please don't drag your feet when you are wearing your flip flops.  I think this is a healthy thing as well.  She takes it all so well, and we joke around quite a bit to make it easier, but at times, it's still just weird to expect things from her like I do all our other kids.  I often want to give her a break (and many times I do), but this too is part of being treated as "normal."

Oh yeah, and I did some research and the "baby dragonfly" (picture to the right) that we thought we saw last week.  It is actually a damselfly, not a baby.  Dragonflies and damselflies don't get their wings until the end of their life, so they are full grown at that point.  Also, we found a dragonfly on the ground as we were riding bikes this week, and of course we somehow had to bring it home.  So Ashley got it onto a stick and put in in the bag I was carrying (yes, I was a little freaked out).  But it didn't seem to be able to fly when we got it, so I hoped it would stay put and not get squished on our way home.  It made it home alive and we kept it overnight.  The girls wanted it as a pet, but I was pretty sure it was in the process of dying.  By the morning, it was very still and had died, but still pretty cool to look at.  Yet another dragonfly experience!  Currently, we have a praying mantice living at our home that the girls are loving!  I think it's praying for deliverance :)!

One other note . . if you are reading this blog and happen to see us, just wanted to let you all know (as nicely as possible) that Aleeya is not currently reading this blog, so if you could not mention to her that you are reading it, that would be great.  It's mainly to help us remember this special time in our life, the transition, to help others who may be thinking about adoption, and for her to read later in her life to see how God's faithfulness has been with her all along.  Thanks and blessings :)!

Really, Really Great Days - Sad Moments . . . September 14, 2010

I really, really wanted to just write a fun, upbeat, happy :) post full of all great things this time.  I've felt like the last few posts talked of being tired too often, or of the difficult times learning to adjust to our "new normal."  And while this post will have tons of GREAT stuff, I have to keep it real.  There are moments when things hit me out of the blue and make me sad.  So, that will be included as well.

Here are all the amazing things that happened this week:

We finally got a new license plate frame :).  On our van, I have had a frame on my license plate that read "I love my Triple A's" for a really long time.  We knew that needed to go as we began this process, and were really happy a friend of ours (that also happen to have three kids with "A" names) could use it.  But, we have been trying to get a new one made at our mall for months, and the machine has been down.  They finally fixed the machine, and our new frame proudly displays
"Butler Bunch - WE ARE FAMILY!"  (Yes, we do occasionally break out in song).
She noticed it and likes it lots!

This made my heart happy!

Also , Aleeya came home from Club 56 Wednesday night happy as I've ever seen her asking if she could go to church every day!  Club 56 just started up for the school year on Wednesday nights, and they do small groups where they get together and discuss the Bible and life.  She got paired with a couple of friends and made a couple of new ones and clearly, really loves it!

This made my heart happy!

A cool thing that happened this weekend was that Aleeya spotted a baby dragonfly in our backyard.  As most of you know, dragonflies has been some sort of theme for our adoption.  I'm working on coming up with a blog about "lessons learned from the dragonfly."  We see literally tons of them pretty much every day (and I've probably only noticed like 5 or 6 in my entire life up until now), and the kids notice them a lot now too.  Well, one of the kids came upstairs and said Aleeya needed me outside.  I was in the middle of doing stuff and asked if it was important, but didn't get much of a response.  I headed down, and she was fine.  Thankfully, I didn't get upset for being interrupted as she showed me a baby dragonfly she had found.  It was sitting still on the top of our rose tree for all of us to examine.  I even went into the house to get my camera, and when I came out, it was still there so I could get a picture (check it out to the right).  She too has realized that dragonflies have meant something to us and we've kinda explained it to her, so it was cool that she saw a baby.

This made my heart happy!

This may sound kinda funny, but I got my first kiss!  When Aleeya first came to be a part of our family, I remember wondering how we would do our "normal" night time routine.  We have always done our quiet time and then hugged and kissed each of the kids before bed.  At first, I wasn't sure what to do!  I remember just giving her a short hug at first.  Soon after, I noticed that she would be sure she was in a place where she could get a good hug (like she wouldn't get in bed until after hugs).  As time moved on, we got really long good hugs, much longer than any of our other kids!  I'm pretty sure we were making up for lost time :)!  All this time in the back of my mind though, I wondered how she felt as we kissed each of the other three.  I wondered if she wanted a kiss, but wasn't sure how to ask that (that would be awkward) and didn't want to push it on her or make her feel uncomfortable.  In the past few weeks, we have become way more relaxed and after our long hugs, I would gently take her face into my hands and kiss her on her sweet, soft cheek.  She never seemed to mind, so I continued.  Well, the other night after doing just that, she came back and kissed me on my cheek as well.  It was so sweet and cute, and she jumped in bed looking at me like, "Was that ok?"  I reassured her with a happy face and telling her I loved her.  The next night, she gave me a quick kiss as well closer to my lips, and last night, I got a kiss on my lips just like all our kids do each night!  Yup, I guess she was ready for more closeness.  It's funny because I've always just kissed each of my kids as babies and continued from there - it was always so natural.  I've never had to start this process at age 11!

This made my heart really happy (and I think it did hers too)!

Since I gotta be real, there was a tough day this week.  As most of you know, we have been told that at around 6 weeks, we would likely experience some tough times, so . . we've . . been . . waiting.  Well, this week went by so incredibly well that I figured we would have to wait for our "tough times" to come later, and that still may be the case.  But, we did have one sad moment that hit me out of nowhere!  This is usually how it happens.  Things are moving along normally, and than "BLAM!"

I had taken her to her first real horse lesson (we had one prior special lesson for the teacher to get to know her), and on our way home, she asked me when we might go back to her old stables to visit.  I told her that we would have to see when they might be having a special event and that they were supposed to email me when those came up.  But I mentioned that those stables are quite a distance away, so we would have to see.  Then, she asked about calling a friend from where she used to live, and I told her sure, she could call.  Then she talked about wanting to visit, and maybe trying to go to a talent show at her old school that her friend had told her about, and then, she wanted to be in the talent show.  While this may not seem like a big deal, it somehow cut at my heart and made me feel so sad!  It made me feel like she loved them more than us and that she wasn't adapting as well as I thought . . that somehow we weren't good enough . . and I felt sad and jealous and hurt.  While this was in no way a HUGE deal compared to what this week could have held, it was still one of those moments that was hard.  These were all things that I was totally fine with the first couple of weeks (sure we could visit her old horse stables and friends), but I have grown attached.  And now, the trip back to where she used to live is one that would be hard for me to make emotionally.

I had forgotten that she's only been with us for like 6-7 weeks, and that it's normal to miss good friends, and that it's actually really good she has some close friends like this, and that I too have moved and remember missing my friends so badly!  At the same time, I had to figure out what the boundaries of this should look like -
how often should she talk with her friends from where she used to live?
how often should we visit (or even should we)?
how do I encourage her to grow in friendships here instead?
We did talk through some of that and she understood that too much time focussing on where she used to live will only make it harder to settle in to her new life.  Yet, thankfully, I could totally relate to her missing friends since I've moved quite a few times.  This is something we will still be working through, but we'll get there!  These are things that she probably feels too as we talk about our past . . a past that didn't include her.  This is some of the "tough stuff."

This made my heart sad.

Before I finish, I wanted to give a few "fun" notes, things that I want to remember as a "new mom!"  Aleeya and I have laughed over these quite a few times, and done that "Remember when . . ?" thing.

Once, when we went shopping together at the mall, we stopped into Bath & Body to get a couple of things.  I wanted to get those room sprays, and went back to the counter to pick which ones I liked.  Well, she took the spray and very casually took off the top and sprayed it on her wrist!!!  It was so cute!  I looked at her and said, "oh no sweetie, that's a room spray" and she laughed so hard!

This past week, as I came down one morning, she was eating her favorite cereal, Cocoa Pebbles.  She was kinda making a face and said, "this milk doesn't taste very good."  I was pretty sure we didn't have any past due milk and asked her about it.  Then she said, "Oh, I got it from the cardboard carton."  Then I realized she had used Scott's half and half (for his coffee).  Poor thing - yuk!  She went ahead and got a new bowl of cereal with some good milk!

And God encouraged me in a great way this past Sunday at church.  I've been feeling really tired lately, more than usual.  I guess it's adjusting to our family with four kids, doing more homework than usual, and learning to think ahead and stuff.  Anyhow, I hate feeling tired and like to have lots of energy.  As we began singing "Everlasting God," a song by Lincoln Brewster, I was struck by a couple of lines that I have sung tons of times.  I sang,

"You do not faint, You won't grow weary."

So thankful to serve a God that never gets tired or weary and can give me His great strength!  I'm definitely depending on it through the really great days, as well as the sad moments!  God has blessed us with way more "ups" than "downs," and I really am so thankful!

Things I've Learned Lately . . . September 6, 2011

After all the excitement of Aleeya accepting Jesus into her life last weekend, it felt like we were under attack this past week.  It seems when good is present, evil is right there as well trying to win the battle.  I kinda knew it would happen, but wasn't expecting it in the way it came.  Aleeya had a great week, but a couple of our other kids struggled with stuff this week.  So thankful we have a God who keeps loving and forgiving and helping us through our "stuff."

One thing I've really found lately is that "I'm tired!"  I guess there is an underlying stress with all that we are doing - you know - adopting, getting used to having another child, trying to be great parents to all four of them.  There's tons of excitement with it all, yet much exhaustion as well.  When there's a new family member, everyone is trying to be extra kind and figure out how to work through stuff.  The things that you would normally say to your child sound a little rough around the edges when you say them to or in front of a child that doesn't know you very well.  So, everything is guarded, and in some ways, this actually makes us better parents / better people.  I feel like we've been more loving, kinder in our words, and more understanding.  We've really learned to think before we speak and ask God to guide our words and attitudes.  And when we need to correct, we do it with kinder words and faces (most of the time).  As well, I try to be sure everything is done by the time they arrive home from school each day so I can really "be there" and be ready to help with homework or whatever comes up; and believe me, I stay busy for most of the evening!  One other thing is that we really work hard to have as much "family time" as possible and get our family quiet time with God in every night.  It seems more important now than ever!  These are some of the things that add to our life and make me feel a little more "tired."  So much like having a new baby all over again :).

But by the end of this week, I was ready to blow!  We've been planning to paint the girls room since Aleeya came, but had to find a good weekend to do it.  When we first met her and she said her favorite color was blue, I quickly realized that our beautiful pink room wasn't going to work out.  And since Ashley's new favorite color was green, it seemed like a good idea to change their room to blue and green.  Since this weekend had an extra day in it due to Labor Day, we decided to take on the extra project.  I've found that I have to be really geared up for the weekends since Scott is gone most of the time at work and I have the kids by myself.  Well, adding a major painting project to the deal didn't help my need for extra patience and extra love.  And on top of it all, I wanted it to be "fun!"  So, I let the kids paint with me . . . some.  They all got a chance to help with the first coat, and then I finished up the second.  All this meant that their toys and furniture were in the hallway and the game room (which is right outside of our room), and I don't do well with things being disorganized.  And then on Monday, when all I really wanted to do was have a jammie day and hang out, we needed to get the room back to normal and get things finished up.  By mid-Monday, I could feel the tensions rising in me.  The kids were leaving lots of things around the house, and I just wanted everything to be picked up.  After feeling like I was about to burst out into tears about five different times, I finally went into my room to lay down on my bed with our dog (he has a calming effect on me).  At that point, I was talking to God and saying I didn't know what to do with all of my frustration.  He then gently reminded me that I was supposed to bring them to Him and He would help.  I rested for a short while, and awoke with a fresh sense of purpose and ability, knowing that God would continue to be my strength.  I'm needing to lean on Him more and more - gotta remember that!!

Oh yeah, wanted to let you all know that we officially hit the 6 week mark.  This is the point where our social worker said that we should see some things surface - behaviors, grief, anger - things like that.  While we know it's still possible up until like 3 months, so far what we have are some more precious notes to tell us she loved us on Friday after school and her exclaiming that "I love my family" on a ride home this Sunday evening (our six week anniversary).  So, for now, we're going to praise God for all the good and enjoy the moment!!!!

I've also learned that we will have different expectations for her for school.  With our other three kids who have been trained early on about how to do homework, how to study, and how to learn, we have pretty high expectations of how they should do in school.  We are still learning what Aleeya's abilities are and finding that she is very bright and willing to learn . . . something I am so thankful for and really wanted in our child.  It's amazing watching her learn and desire to learn, but my expectations for her are what she can do!  I have a pretty big perfectionistic side of me, so I'm amazed to see how God is giving me grace and understanding in all of this.  But I really just want to see her learn and enjoy school and do HER best.  It's a really neat experience and we are so proud of her already!

One of the major things I've learned this week is "what people want to hear."  While I have a couple of close friends that understand and really are willing to hear how life is really going, most just want to hear that everything is going great!!  When they ask how she's doing or how our family is doing, they just want to hear - "AWESOME!"  And I kinda get it, we prayed really hard for this and really wanted her to come to our home quickly, and they are so happy for us.  And I guess they think she's been through a lot, so we should all just be happy and accept anything not going just the way we hoped.  But I gotta say, that life is not always great, awesome, and perfect.  And it's ok.  I'm learning to have boundaries on what I say and that most people can't bear to hear that it's been a rough day or week (even if it's not awful, just trying or something).  And believe me, we have had it really good compared to many I'm sure!!!  But there are still things that we are working through with Aleeya, as well as our other three children each day and there always will be!  I've always been really open and honest about how life is going in our family, and like to put things out there for people to help or just to say things out loud so I can work through it.  I'm finding that this is not always appropriate and I need to keep more stuff to myself.  For now, I think my normal response will be - "Things are going really well, thanks!  There are some adjustments, but we are blessed."  It is true, and God will give me the wisdom to work through the adjustments as they come.  I'm thankful for that handful of friends/advisors He has put around me, and so appreciate their understanding and care.  God knows what we need and I'll keep learning!