Our Second Vacation Together . . . July 29, 2012

This year, we left town together . . with Aleeya . . as a family to head to our annual vacation!  Each year for the past six years, we have been completely blessed to house sit for a family in Half Moon Bay for two weeks while they fly off to Hawaii.  It was especially great to head back to the same place this year, since this was our first official memory as a family of 6 last year!

Since we had just moved only a few weeks prior, it was great to be able to get away and relax some, yet hard to leave our new place a little because we were still getting used to it.  Either way, we needed a break from the normal "stuff of life," and I definitely felt a need for rest as I had been working extra hard to get things in order.  I knew that once we returned from vacation, we only had a week until school would begin.  

We did our normal stuff - we made a vacation mix for the ipods of our favorite songs from the year, packed our summer and winter clothes since it's often really cold in HMB, loaded up our beach stuff and luggage, and prayed together from our respective vehicles before pulling out.  These were things that were new for Aleeya, but after that, everything would be something we had already done once before :).  I was so glad to be at this point!  We needed to have memories, and make more memories!  This was a really good thing.

While we were glad this year would be different, I think it affected her differently than we imagined.  Last year, the entire two weeks were centered on her . . trying to get to know her, caring for her every need, etc., but this year she was part of our family.  She had been looking forward to vacation and talking about it all year.  But this year, she brought luggage in like everyone else.  I could see her struggling with it some, and I kinda realized that this was a hard thing for a 12 year old.  Her memories of last year were great for many reasons!  As well, she was still working through some of the "stuff" of realizing that things were finalizing and wondering about her birth family.  

Don't get me wrong, we were having a great time at the beach doing our normal "vacation stuff," but there was a tension and quietness that made me sad.  After about a week, I felt like I needed to take her out for a lunch together, just the two of us (Scott and I both took 2 of our kids out to lunch at separate times to just be with them by ourselves).  I had mentioned that I wanted to talk to her before we left for vacation, and she had been waiting more than I realized for this time.  I knew we needed to talk through the things I read in her files on adoptive placement day.  I wanted to see how much of it she knew, wondered about, saw differently, and what she needed clarity on.  It seemed like this was the best time to talk since we were more relaxed and the beach offered extra peace and time to talk.  With the view of the ocean in site, we spent about 2 hours talking through things, and she had many tears flowing freely from her eyes.  I told her about reading through her files and shared as many details as possible to be sure she understood her past.  She asked a lot of questions and I answered the best I could.  At the end of our time together, I told her she had a choice . . a choice of how she wanted to view all of this.  I told her she could see it as a hard thing that happened to her (because it was a hard thing) and dwell on that, or she could view it as God protecting her and having a plan for her life, one that involved knowing Him.  I also told her how sad it is when we see her "go somewhere" and not really be "with us."  It was happening a lot on vacation.  I told her that I was there for her when she had questions arise or needed to talk, but that I was hoping and praying that she would be able to enjoy her present!  I really believe that God and her birth family would want her to enjoy the gift of today!  I asked if she had ever been able to work through her past, and she said no one had really gone over it all and helped her.  I told her we are committed to helping her deal with it all in a healthy way.  I also asked her if vacation this year was hard because she wasn't the center of attention.  She agreed that it was, and I told her that I love her very much but that each of the kids in our family are special and all deserve attention.  There are times that I feel like she needs and deserves so much more from me, and asked her to let me know if she's needing more time with me and I will try to make it happen.  Something about getting that out seemed to help a little.  This is the tough stuff of having four kids . . . and one of them that has only been with you a year and is twelve!

She continued to struggle throughout the next couple of days, and asked a few more questions, but each day became a little bit better and I could see some of the weight lifting.  Austin was with us for the first week of vacation, but left to go to Hume Lake during the second week.  This changed the dynamics of our family a bit and we missed him.  She was thrilled to get to go to a Giants game with Scott and Alec while we were close by to San Francisco, and since they are her favorite team, she had a blast!  She had never been to a professional game, so it was a special treat provided to us by our friends that lived there and happen to have season tickets!  It allowed Ashley and I to have some special time together as well, and she told me how much she liked just the two of us being together . . a lot!  I realized Ashley's been missing our special times for awhile, and this was really good!

As well, we got to celebrate "Gotcha Day" as it's called on July 24th!  This date marked the one year anniversary of the day she joined our family!  We decided to go to Santa Cruz and enjoy the beach and the boardwalk since it's one of her favorite spots!  But before we left the house, we gave her a special gift!  I had been trying to figure out what to do to make the day special, and I found these really neat "Individuality Beads" that you could put on a bracelet.  I had prayed for God to show me exactly what to get and thought about something like this because I wanted to be able to add to the gift each year, and there it was right as I walked into the first store I tried, Kohl's!!  And, it was on a major sale which was even better - I love sales!!!  Anyhow, we got her a black tweed bracelet and two charms to put on it.  One was a heart that said "Family" and the other was a bead that said "Faith."  When we presented it to her, I told her that this past year she had received two things that would never leave her, a forever family and her faith in God.  I could tell she really liked it!  We were excited because we could also add to it at her finalization!  She wore it happily that day, although we had to take it off at the beach :).

We returned from vacation with thankful hearts, new memories, and more understanding.  We were excited to be beginning our second year together and were so looking forward to finalization!   It was now time to unpack and get settled back in before school would begin!  

Adoptive Placement Day . . . July 10, 2012

It was finally happening . . . the day we would go into Family Connections Christian Adoptions (our agency) and sign Adoptive Placement forms.  I remembered seeing these forms for other families when I worked at FCCA, and I would put them in their files.  I knew it was a good thing and families usually finalized soon after.  Other than that, this was something we hadn't heard much about and no one really gave us any hints about what to expect of this day.  All I knew was that we were to meet our social worker and Aleeya's social worker and sign some paperwork that would put us in the legal status as adoptive parents, rather than foster parents, of our girl!  While everyone in the room knew that this was the plan all along, the state would now formally recognize us in this role!

During the weeks prior, we had been talking with Aleeya about all of this and trying to help her know that we understood that this was exciting for her, but also hard as she realized that her birth mom was no longer trying or able to try to get her back.  We thought she already knew that there was no way this could happen, but when the appeals were denied, I guess the finality of it all really hit her.  We tried to re-assure her that her birth mom did still love her, but that the state had decided that she needed another home.  We talked about some of the details as best as we knew and as best as she could remember and tried to work through it some more.  I could tell she was hurting inside, and I didn't know how long she would need to work through it all.  We were still going through many days of not feeling like she was really "with us."  Her mind seemed to be somewhere else and I so longed for her to come back.

This was a rather unique week that we were able to go and sign the Adoptive Placement papers as she was attending "Kids Campus" at our church (a form of Vacation Bible School).  This event was even more special because a year prior, we had her for a weekend visit and she had come with us to the end of the last day of "Kids Campus."  I remember that day well!  This was her first year attending, and she was a little bit nervous at first.  But she really enjoyed it, and it was fun to realize that we were starting to get to the point where she had been a part of our family for a year and was starting to do things "again" with us.  It felt really great!

On Tuesday, July 10th, we met and for about an hour went over the paperwork, signed things, and talked with our wonderful social workers.  They were so good at explaining everything.  For some reason, Aleeya's social worker had said the meeting would go about three hours, but our agency felt like an hour was more than enough time.  We weren't sure what to expect.  After most of the papers were signed, Aleeya's social worker told us that she was going to allow us to look through all of Aleeya's files for the next two hours and write down whatever we'd like.  She was already giving us a notebook filled with information for us to take home, but this would give more details into her life.  We later learned from our social worker that he had never seen this happen before.  We were not allowed to copy anything or take anything, but we could read and write details down.

Now, I have to tell you that there were about 5 very large files full of information.  I had previously heard that many families don't feel the need to know about their child's past.  I wondered if that was how I should handle this.  But I felt a huge need to know and understand her past . . . for her.  She had questions that needed answers.  I needed to be able to work through the details when they surfaced and re-surfaced in her mind.  And with what we were seeing going on in her mind recently, I knew that this time was a gift from God.  As I began reading through (and I tend to be thorough), I begged God to help me read what I needed and skip what I didn't.  By the end of the two hours, I had gone through each of the files and written down some important details.  I wanted to know her birth family's birthdays.  I wanted to see any and all health records from her birth mom and dad.  I especially wanted to understand the day she was taken from her birth family and placed in foster care.  It was important for me to read the things her birth mom did to get her back and the desire she had for her.  These were things Aleeya needed to know!  There were many things we were able to learn, and there was also much that wasn't in the files.  But I was thankful for that time God allowed for us.   And I knew that there was much that we would need to share with Aleeya to help her really understand her past.  I wondered if she had ever really been able to work through it entirely or if she had kept things hidden somewhere with just bits and pieces of information that she tried to figure out.  One of the most interesting things for us as we read was that the day Aleeya was taken from her birth family was on our wedding anniversary, December 18, 2008.  I wondered where we were and what we did that night.  I wondered if the thought had come to my mind that night that we would someday adopt.  Some would say coincidence, but it was a special nugget to us!

I also left burdened.  While we had been told much of the information at the disclosure meeting about a year prior (before ever meeting Aleeya), there was something about reading everything again that made it more real this time . . I guess because now I know her, know her well.  I think I tend to go into denial about issues when they are too hard for me to understand, and perhaps Aleeya does that some too.  But reading it, and knowing that no one wants to remove a child from their home, and just seeing it in print and following the story, my heart was sad.  Sad for Aleeya, sad for her birth sister, sad for her birth mom, sad for her birth family . . . And yet I saw that God had protected Aleeya, loved her dearly, and has a great plan for her life . . . one that includes Him in her life!

And so, this Adoptive Placement Day was very special for so many reasons.  We were able to decide if we would want to know if her birth mom had any other babies . . in case they would need a home . . and I was kinda happily amazed that we both said we would want to know.  We were able to understand so much more of her story to hopefully help her piece things together in the future.  We were able to understand our girl a little bit better to hopefully be better parents.  And we finally had a legal document with her new name on it, Aleeya Joy Butler!!!

A Big Week . . . June 29, 2012

So much has happened since Aleeya's birthday party . . . and life is exciting, crazy, and a bit of a whirlwind.  And in it all, we have seen God's hand with us.

On June 18th, we had one of our monthly social workers' visits, and out of the blue, Aleeya's social worker mentioned that one of the appeals had been denied and the other was due to be denied any day.  She actually went on my computer to check as she thought it would be denied that day.  We had no idea this was happening and were shocked and in awe!  We truly thought it might take another 6 months or so from what everyone was telling us, but our God is bigger than that!  We had been praying for so long, and God was answering!  The next day, June 19th, we got a call from our social worker letting us know that life was about to get easier.  He confirmed that all the appeals had been denied and we could move into "Adoptive Placement."  This is when you know it's about to finalize and she's yours for sure!  Up to this point, we were in "Placement," but it's not quite the same.  We were now considered adoptive parents by the state.  While we knew everything would eventually work out because our adoption agency only works with the children that are freed to be adopted, there's just something about knowing . . for us and for Aleeya!  When we told her, she looked very happy!  She got to tell her brothers and sister herself, and it was really fun!  We celebrated that night!

During this particular week, we had some other stuff going on as well.  We were moving . . . did I mention that?  Two days after we found out the appeals were denied, it was moving day.  It was something that happened rather quick, and we were moving to another home at the other end of our neighborhood, but still we were moving.  While it's a lot on any family to move, and all of our kids went through some of the normal emotions about missing our current home and all the memories, it was really hard on Aleeya.  Because of how quickly our house sold, I didn't really have time to process how this would affect her until it was actually happening.  And then, I was just so busy with the move that I had a hard time working with it all.  For Aleeya, no matter how nice the new house was, no matter how great it was that her and Ashley would not have to have bunk beds and could finally put both of their beds on the ground, no matter how great of a family memory we could make in the process, a move just did not settle well.  She had moved every year for the past 3 years.  She had moved quite a bit in Saipan as well.  And summer was the time when for the past 3 years, she would normally move to a new family and a new school, so all of this just made her feel very concerned, sad, and contemplative.  At first, I couldn't figure out what the problem was and we were kinda frustrated, and then it hit us.  This was REALLY hard on her.  I remember re-assuring her that everything would move with us, that we were moving together as a family, that it would be fun, but she just didn't buy into it.  We all lived through it, but it was a rough time.

I later realized that there was a lot going on in her heart, not just about the move but about life.  While she was excited to get adopted and move forward, there was a sadness that things were becoming final.  For her, that meant that she wouldn't see her birth family again, that they wouldn't re-unite, that her birth mom had stopped trying to get her back, and all of this brought questions and hurt.  I don't think any of us expected all of these feelings to come rushing in, but I remember the day it finally occurred to me that some of this could be an issue, and I felt so sad.  Scott and I had been frustrated with her lack of enthusiasm and ability to want to help during the move; we were needing her to be "with us," and she seemed so far off.  As we kept trying to figure it out, I finally thought through what might be going on inside her head and heart.  When we talked, she said that she was feeling all of these things, and I had to ask forgiveness for not being very understanding.

The following week, we tried to get her together with some friends and that seemed to really help.  I think it made life a little more normal in the midst of it all.  I worked like crazy trying to get the house to feel like "home."  The girls room became one of my first rooms to conquer as I so wanted them to feel at ease.  But even Ashley would end up in tears at times because she couldn't find something.  I think all of us girls aren't crazy about change.  Austin and Alec were struggling some too because they weren't doing the normal "fun summer stuff" like their friends.  As much as I tried to get everyone to do some fun things, it just didn't seem to be enough.  We were all so tired and I think we could have really used a "normal summer," one without a lot of adjusting like last summer (when we added our sweet girl to our family).  It was hard on this Mama for sure!  While trying to get everything settled, I could feel the kids emotions and had some of those emotions within myself, but I had to trust in God.  The strange thing is how much I felt at home here.  It was different, yes, and I couldn't always find things in the kitchen, but I felt comfortable and at home.  In the end, I knew God would help us if we relied on Him for strength.

As we talked through things with Aleeya, things seemed to get a little better, but she still didn't seem to be "with us," at least not fully.  We talked some about her past, about some hurts, about forgiveness, and about attachment issues.  I told her we so wanted to love her completely and sometimes didn't know how.  I told her about the song "All of Me," and how we were wanting to give her all of us, even if it wasn't enough.  That seemed to really speak to her.  We talked about her love language some as well, and she was great about being able to tell me what made her feel loved, so we would begin working at that as we so desperately wanted her to feel loved and knew that she needed it.  All in all, we would just have to be patient and wait for her to work through things.  Sometimes it's hard to wait, but God seemed to be teaching us that a lot lately.

During this time, God brought an amazing song to me called "Steady My Heart" by Kari Jobe:

Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy
Why is pain a part of us
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much

But You're here
You're real
I know I can trust You

Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart
You steady my heart

I'm not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand
Each and every moment
What's good and what gets broken
Happens just he way that You plan

And I will run to You
You're my refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
Cause of everything You are

You steady my heart
You steady my heart