A Big Week . . . June 29, 2012

So much has happened since Aleeya's birthday party . . . and life is exciting, crazy, and a bit of a whirlwind.  And in it all, we have seen God's hand with us.

On June 18th, we had one of our monthly social workers' visits, and out of the blue, Aleeya's social worker mentioned that one of the appeals had been denied and the other was due to be denied any day.  She actually went on my computer to check as she thought it would be denied that day.  We had no idea this was happening and were shocked and in awe!  We truly thought it might take another 6 months or so from what everyone was telling us, but our God is bigger than that!  We had been praying for so long, and God was answering!  The next day, June 19th, we got a call from our social worker letting us know that life was about to get easier.  He confirmed that all the appeals had been denied and we could move into "Adoptive Placement."  This is when you know it's about to finalize and she's yours for sure!  Up to this point, we were in "Placement," but it's not quite the same.  We were now considered adoptive parents by the state.  While we knew everything would eventually work out because our adoption agency only works with the children that are freed to be adopted, there's just something about knowing . . for us and for Aleeya!  When we told her, she looked very happy!  She got to tell her brothers and sister herself, and it was really fun!  We celebrated that night!

During this particular week, we had some other stuff going on as well.  We were moving . . . did I mention that?  Two days after we found out the appeals were denied, it was moving day.  It was something that happened rather quick, and we were moving to another home at the other end of our neighborhood, but still we were moving.  While it's a lot on any family to move, and all of our kids went through some of the normal emotions about missing our current home and all the memories, it was really hard on Aleeya.  Because of how quickly our house sold, I didn't really have time to process how this would affect her until it was actually happening.  And then, I was just so busy with the move that I had a hard time working with it all.  For Aleeya, no matter how nice the new house was, no matter how great it was that her and Ashley would not have to have bunk beds and could finally put both of their beds on the ground, no matter how great of a family memory we could make in the process, a move just did not settle well.  She had moved every year for the past 3 years.  She had moved quite a bit in Saipan as well.  And summer was the time when for the past 3 years, she would normally move to a new family and a new school, so all of this just made her feel very concerned, sad, and contemplative.  At first, I couldn't figure out what the problem was and we were kinda frustrated, and then it hit us.  This was REALLY hard on her.  I remember re-assuring her that everything would move with us, that we were moving together as a family, that it would be fun, but she just didn't buy into it.  We all lived through it, but it was a rough time.

I later realized that there was a lot going on in her heart, not just about the move but about life.  While she was excited to get adopted and move forward, there was a sadness that things were becoming final.  For her, that meant that she wouldn't see her birth family again, that they wouldn't re-unite, that her birth mom had stopped trying to get her back, and all of this brought questions and hurt.  I don't think any of us expected all of these feelings to come rushing in, but I remember the day it finally occurred to me that some of this could be an issue, and I felt so sad.  Scott and I had been frustrated with her lack of enthusiasm and ability to want to help during the move; we were needing her to be "with us," and she seemed so far off.  As we kept trying to figure it out, I finally thought through what might be going on inside her head and heart.  When we talked, she said that she was feeling all of these things, and I had to ask forgiveness for not being very understanding.

The following week, we tried to get her together with some friends and that seemed to really help.  I think it made life a little more normal in the midst of it all.  I worked like crazy trying to get the house to feel like "home."  The girls room became one of my first rooms to conquer as I so wanted them to feel at ease.  But even Ashley would end up in tears at times because she couldn't find something.  I think all of us girls aren't crazy about change.  Austin and Alec were struggling some too because they weren't doing the normal "fun summer stuff" like their friends.  As much as I tried to get everyone to do some fun things, it just didn't seem to be enough.  We were all so tired and I think we could have really used a "normal summer," one without a lot of adjusting like last summer (when we added our sweet girl to our family).  It was hard on this Mama for sure!  While trying to get everything settled, I could feel the kids emotions and had some of those emotions within myself, but I had to trust in God.  The strange thing is how much I felt at home here.  It was different, yes, and I couldn't always find things in the kitchen, but I felt comfortable and at home.  In the end, I knew God would help us if we relied on Him for strength.

As we talked through things with Aleeya, things seemed to get a little better, but she still didn't seem to be "with us," at least not fully.  We talked some about her past, about some hurts, about forgiveness, and about attachment issues.  I told her we so wanted to love her completely and sometimes didn't know how.  I told her about the song "All of Me," and how we were wanting to give her all of us, even if it wasn't enough.  That seemed to really speak to her.  We talked about her love language some as well, and she was great about being able to tell me what made her feel loved, so we would begin working at that as we so desperately wanted her to feel loved and knew that she needed it.  All in all, we would just have to be patient and wait for her to work through things.  Sometimes it's hard to wait, but God seemed to be teaching us that a lot lately.

During this time, God brought an amazing song to me called "Steady My Heart" by Kari Jobe:

Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy
Why is pain a part of us
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much

But You're here
You're real
I know I can trust You

Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart
You steady my heart

I'm not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand
Each and every moment
What's good and what gets broken
Happens just he way that You plan

And I will run to You
You're my refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
Cause of everything You are

You steady my heart
You steady my heart