While the summer had been kinda rough at times, with our move and the struggles I sensed Aleeya working through on vacation, the weekends since school began proved to show more signs of hardship in her life. Throughout the week, she would come home from school and do the normal schedule of eating snack, making lunch for the next day, reading, and doing homework. But on the weekends, I noticed her spending A LOT of time in her room, reading . . writing in her journal . . just being in there. At first, I figured she was overly tired from all the extra that school added to her life, or that maybe she was just wanting some time to herself and perhaps that was normal at this age. After all, I haven't had a 12 year old girl yet. But after awhile, it started to make me feel like something wasn't right. I started to feel sad . . and a little frustrated. I checked on her, and she seemed ok, but things just didn't seem right. I tried to give it some time, a couple of weekends, but then I really began feeling like she was in her room too much. I felt like I never saw her. She came out for meals, or if we were going somewhere, but that was about it. She was nice enough, and wasn't causing any trouble, but it felt like she wasn't really a "part" of our family. After a few weekends of this, I went in and asked if she was ok. She said she was fine, and I asked why she was spending so much time in her room? She didn't really have an answer, and I told her I'd really like one. I told her that I felt she was spending too much time in her room and asked her how it would feel if I spent all day in my room when she was home. She said she wouldn't like that. I told her that maybe she's feeling kinda tired or down, and that it would be good to get outside and be active and that she needed to not be in her room unless she needed to change or read or something for the rest of the weekend. Sometimes as mom's it seems we need to help our kids to get out of the slumps they may not notice (at least that was my reasoning). Then she began coming out, and it felt even more awkward. She didn't seem to know what to do with herself or have any kind of desire to do anything. I started thinking that it would be better if she were just in her room because of how she made it feel.
Scott and I talked about it that weekend, and as we talked, I began to think that maybe she was really beginning to struggle with this whole adoption thing. Maybe she wanted to feel loved, safe, and part of a family, but still didn't really get that it was going to finalize and really "happen." I started to think that she was feeling like she was not being loyal to her birth family by getting adopted. It kinda seemed like she was becoming less attached to us. Later, as I talked through things with Aleeya, I asked her if she was having some of these feelings and she said yes. She was struggling and wondering if her birth family knew about the adoption and if it made them sad. I told her I felt like she was trying to be somewhere in the middle . . knowing she couldn't go back to her birth family and understanding that wasn't best, yet not wanting to attach to us because that may upset her birth family . . so she was kinda being on her own. She kinda seemed to agree that this was how she was feeling. She was definitely drifting. Whenever we talked about finalization day, Aleeya would seem really happy, but there was so much else going on inside her as well. I learned that much of what she was feeling and thinking was part of the normal grieving process. She was loosing her birth family, the family she lived with for 8 years. There was some denial about her birth family, some feelings of great hope that they would accept Jesus and be better, some wondering about if the finalization would actually go through. She had a dream that her social worker would come on finalization day and say that it wouldn't work out. I wasn't sure if this was a fear, something she kinda wanted to happen, or just an uncertainty within her because of how often things had changed in the past with the court system and her life. We assured her that everything would work out, and even had her social worker confirm on her visit. Oh yeah, her social worker called to visit yet one last time because the finalization date was pushed back a few weeks. I so wanted to say "no, we don't need a visit," but knew she should come and I should be kind. We had just thought it was her last visit a couple of times now, and that was frustrating.
Because of her age and all the questions she had, I decided to take her by the court house so she could see the room where we would go and have an idea of what things were like. Right as we went toward the front door, some interesting people came out. I thought, "oh boy, this may not have been such a great idea!" Then, we had to go through metal detectors as we entered, which was really comforting. Thankfully, there weren't many people in the halls and it was good for me to remember exactly where we would need to go. She thought the room looked kinda small for a court room, and later told me she was a little scared about the courthouse. I told her we would be going early in the morning, and the judges really enjoy these hearings! I "think" it was a good idea to help prepare her?
It was at this point that I realized that it was a good thing, a God thing, that we had some more time to process before the actual finalization day in court. God knew better than I once again! I began praying that God would calm her heart, help her to be honest with her struggles, and see the good that God was providing for her. I so wanted to see her being at peace, feeling His love, and enjoying the life God was giving her.
I still remember her saying that she wanted to get adopted soon after we met her, and I thought how hard that would be to say as a girl that left her birth family at eight. I think I would always want to be with my birth family, and I think she's been feeling that more since realizing that it's actually happening. And while I understand it, it often hurts. I reminded her that while adoption doesn't always sound that great because kids want to be with the family God originally gave them, God has allowed it because He really cares about children and wants them to be safe and loved! I told her we loved her so much and would be her forever family.
We would really appreciate your prayers for all of us as we experience this day together soon! God knows what's going on, and if He can calm the raging storm, He can calm our hearts as well.
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