Fear Yet Knowing . . . April 2011

I remember the day Scott and I met at Starbucks, and he told me that he knew we were supposed to adopt.  I remember feeling so excited, yet unexpectedly scared.  It had been something God had been speaking to me about, "a dream," something I had imagined tons of times . . . yet not "real" until that moment.  A sudden fear overcame me in bits and pieces that day - fear of the unknown, how it would change our easy, fun family, what the costs might be.  While I know God is not a God that "has given us a spirit of fear, but of power, of love, and of a sound mind (II Tim. 1:7), I think there was some healthy fear to realize that this was going to require more than what I had.  It was going to require all of Christ in me!  Soon after, as I was spending some time with God and His Word, I thought about the choices.  I thought - "well, we don't have to go through with this" and "it's ok if we reconsider," and then realized that those thoughts gave me an awful nauseous feeling in the bottom of my stomach!  It was actually a healthy thing to have felt it so early and know beyond a doubt that this was what God had called us to and I was ready for His will to be done no matter what!  I continue to have small bouts with fear as we attended classes and learned how hard it is for these children to trust you, how hard it is to adapt to another home, how difficult the children might be because of all that they have been through, and the many other problems that could arise, yet each time God reminds me of how specifically He spoke and He keeps confirming His will so beautifully!  Thankful that I know Him, and that He truly leads us each step of the way!