What to Say, What not to Say . . . April 2011

Through the classes we took at Family Connections and through articles and books, I have learned that there are quite a few things that can be hurtful and helpful to adopted kids and their families.  I'm still learning quite a bit of the "lingo" as I have not done so well with it in the past (and sometimes now as well)!  While none of us are perfect in our terminology, it had been good for me to gain insight and understanding in this area!  Here are a few things I am learning:

Things that can be hurtful:

Comments about their "real mom" or "real parents?"  Adoptive parents are the real parents in every sense of the word.

Saying "You must be so grateful they adopted you."  For most of these kids, what they tend to remember is that they were removed from the only family they've ever known, their close friends, special items, and their surroundings.  It doesn't always seem like a good thing, especially at first.

Adoptive families absolutely feel that all their children are their "real children;" comments to the contrary are very hurtful.  (Like saying, "so which ones are your 'real children'?")  

Saying one child is "chosen" or "special."  Does that mean the others are "not chosen" or "less special?"

Saying one child is "your own," or "natural."  Does that mean the others are "not your own"  or "unnatural?"

Saying "your adopted child" instead of just "your child."

Asking about why the child had to be put in the foster system and details of the child's life.  It is their story, not one that should be shared with everyone, and they should be able to share it only if they want to.  Most of us would not want negative information to be shared about our past or the family we love and miss simply because people are curious.

Family, friends and church members assuming they know what's best for the adoptive family without being willing to learn about the differences in parenting a child who was adopted.

Things that can be helpful:

Understanding that all of the children are your "own children," they just came to you in different ways.  Some by birth and some by adoption.

Words like "birth parent" instead of "real parent," "your child" instead of "adopted child," and "parent" instead of "adoptive parent."

Trying to be sensitive and not talk about the issues the family or children are facing while the children are nearby.  They can hear quite well, and it only adds to the problem.

Consistent and specific prayer support is vital to an adoptive family.


Treat this addition to the family like you would if a new baby were arriving.  Many new items will be needed with this new child as well - clothes, items for the room, toys, bikes, books, etc. (they may or may not come with the stuff needed).

Ongoing support from friends and family - prayers, meals, cleaning, etc.  It can take quite a long time before family settles into a real routine and is doing well.

*this information came from an article by Katie Porter from Focus on the Family, an article from Adoptive Families of America, and an article by Nelson, Cincinnati Adoption a Child Today Association.