Learning to give you all of me . . . December 20, 2011

In the past month, I keep hearing a song on the radio that makes me stop, listen, identify with, and then sing passionately (now I didn't say it sounds really good, but is definitely sung with great heart).  I wasn't really sure what it was about at first, but somehow parts of it so felt like it was for me . . . my feelings for Aleeya and the relationship that began in June of this year.  I know I tend to list a lot of songs, but this one keeps touching me in so many ways.  Here it is . . .

All of Me

Afraid to love something that could break
Could I move on if you were torn away?
I’m so close to what I can’t control
Can’t give you half my heart and pray He makes you whole

You’re gonna have all of me
You’re gonna have all of me
You’re worth every falling tear
You’re worth facing any fear

You’re gonna know all my love
Even if it’s not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I’ll start

I won’t let sadness steal you from my arms
I won’t let pain keep you from my heart
I’ll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I’ll share with you

Heaven brought you to this moment
It’s too wonderful to speak
You’re worth all of me
You’re worth all of me

Let me recklessly love you
Even if I bleed
You’re worth all of me
You’re worth all of me


I did some research on this song, and it was written by Matt Hammitt of Sanctus Real.  He wrote it for his unborn son at the time.  They had learned that he would be born with half a heart and need surgery soon after birth.  He was afraid to love, afraid to hurt.  Ends up, their little Bowen is doing very well a year later and is really cute!  You can check him out on bowensheart.com.

The part of this that I find myself relating to is underlined.  There are so many times I've felt like I have no control.  I remember not knowing if and when she would come to our home, there's the not knowing when it will all be finalized and how she will end up feeling about all of this (much later in life).  There's the wondering if our love is enough and can fix the hurt in her life.  There's the fear of loving her so much and not knowing if she will feel fully loved and fully secure . . . something I had never really considered with my other three kids.  There's the knowing I need to and want to give all my love to her, but not knowing if it's actually happening.  That one is really hard to face some days.

Then there is the joy of knowing Heaven brought her to our family, to this moment, to be a part of our lives that is truly too wonderful to speak!  And there's the part of me that knows I will recklessly love her even if it hurts . . . and this is a good place.

These are some of the things I know so many adoptive families feel, and I am just one.  I pray that our love will be reckless for these children God has brought into our lives, even when it's difficult, even when we don't understand things.  Yes, my prayer for sweet Aleeya is that she will know all my love, but even more, all of His love . . .

Preparing for Christmas . . . December 15, 2011

As we prepare for Christmas, here are some of the ways our life is shaping up:

Our Christmas shopping was a little different this year as I took each of the kids out separately.  We used to be able to sneak it in together, but they are getting too smart for that, and this worked out great as it gave me special time with each of them.  It was fun to see them find special items for their siblings and get so excited about it!

Another change needed to happen this year since we have only five stockings, and they're kinda special ones that I found at Ross one year (in other words, not ones you see normally).  So, since Scott and I really don't care about having stockings and usually have a hard time filling them for each other anyhow, the kids thought it would be neat to make the center stocking for Jesus this year.  They are filling it with a gift of money to be used for a special gift to World Help for children/adults in need.  Once they all contribute, they are going to pick out what they'd like to give from a catalog they sent us - thinks like Bibles for China, or a drinking well, or harvest-producing seeds to plant, or bedding for a child.  The really cool thing is there is already $90 in there and that came from only two of them (from small allowances and money from Nana & Pop Pop for grades and to spend for Christmas).  God has really opened their hearts to caring for others this year and I am so proud of them.  If you're interested in helping too, you can go to worldhelp.net/giftsofhope.

One other fun thing is that a couple of months ago, I took Aleeya shopping for some fall/winter clothes.  While we were out, she saw the pretty Christmas dresses and wanted to try some on while we were there.  I said "sure," but that we would wait until later to decide if we would buy one (they are kinda expensive).   As time moved on, finances were really tight and I didn't know if she would really care.  Well, she mentioned it again and my heart said that it would be really good for her to get dressed up for Christmas!  And she wanted to match Ashley, so it would be cute to see the two of them matching as we went to our special Christmas events.  Well, I went to find them kinda late in the season, and they were all gone.  After going to a couple of stores, calling the online store, and finding one that I didn't think would fit, we found both dresses and on great sales (which took away the guilt factor).  For our girl that says she's a tomboy, she is going to be a beautiful young lady this Christmas and my heart is full!

Tonight, I went outside to find Alec playing basketball and the two girls laying in the front yard looking up at the stars and singing "Silent Night."  Alec came over to me and told me how they were really struggling to find a good key, but all I saw was pure awesomeness!  Loved that they were worshipping together under the heaven He made.  When they came in, they told me they saw a shooting star - weird thing is we've seen like five this year and I've only seen like one or two my whole life - love that God did that for them!  And yes, they did make a wish :)!

We are all very excited that tomorrow it is the last day (half day actually) of school and are looking forward to Christmas break!  More traditions to be made, some fun family times to be had, and relaxed time in between all the Christmas performances at church.  We are going to get to serve at the Modesto Gospel Mission, which will be a huge blessing and are really excited about this upcoming big weekend at church celebrating with five special services!  Then on Monday night, Scott will be directing our choir (and Austin is in it for the first time), who is backing up Point of Grace.  Then next weekend, our church will have three Christmas Eve services, and one service on Christmas Day!  It will be really special to attend together as a family!

We've decided to do some of our family traditions on the 23rd (gifts and Christmas dinner) so we can enjoy really worshipping and celebrating His birthday on Sunday.  We'll save the stockings and maybe one special gift for Christmas day, but want it to be a relaxing, joyful time.  Hoping it works out well, and thankful that we get to celebrate in so many special ways!  Today, I was really struck by how special Christmas really is - it's a day we celebrate the fact that God sent a Savior (a baby) into our world . . to save us from our sins.  So thankful for this Truth!

Our First Thanksgiving Together . . . December 9, 2011

We tried to go into our first Thanksgiving together with happiness and excitement, yet wondered if she would feel the same or if it might be difficult to go through the holidays.  I didn't know what to expect exactly, but really wanted her to experience our traditions and wanted to care about any traditions she might have as well.  One way we did this was by asking if there were certain things she would like to have at our Thanksgiving dinner (feast) - turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, creamed corn, homemade apple sauce, fresh green beans, green bean casserole (because too many like that too), cranberries, rolls, etc - basically a ridiculous amount of food for one family, but great for lots of leftovers.  She said raspberries, which was a first for me, and yams.  I then proceeded to ask her how she liked the yams; you know - baked, candied, with marshmallows on top, etc.  She surprised me on this one too and said they were like french fries.  So, I went shopping and was quite surprised and happy to find those in the frozen section!  We added them to the list.  While the raspberries will probably stay each year, the "sweet potato french fries" didn't seem like that great of a hit so we may toss that one?

The other three kids kept telling her how much fun this weekend would be - Thanksgiving day with the feast and movie night with friends, followed by putting up Christmas decorations the next day.  They love it!  Well, Thanksgiving morning came and we had a nice breakfast and then we all watched some of the parade, mixed with lots of football as we cooked.  The strange thing was that we kept looking for Aleeya.  She is normally hanging with us, but we kept finding her in her room reading a book.  She had been reading more than usual lately, but this seemed a little strange on Thanksgiving Day.  I didn't want her to feel like it was wrong to want to be alone, and wanted her to have the freedom to do that if she needed to, so I just checked on her in between cooking.  I felt kinda bad that I was so busy cooking, but wasn't sure how to handle it.  Finally, Austin asked where she was and I told him she was reading.  It was really cool because he said I'm going to get her so we can play some games, and he did.  It was great!  Next thing we knew they were all playing games and hanging out!

We planned to just have our family for dinner like we often do on Thanksgiving, since it's the last time off we have as a family before the all the Christmas rehearsals and performances begin (the life of a worship pastor's family).  Sometimes we invite people over, but we really wanted her to be at the table with us, and we only have six chairs around our dining room table.  We also wanted her to experience it with just family this year!  As we sat to eat, she was surprised by all the food.  Later she said that she had never had a big Thanksgiving meal like that.  We went around the table asking everyone what they were thankful for this year.  All of us mentioned having Aleeya with us in some form and she smiled sweetly.  I loved her answer because she talked about Jesus and her family.  It was a special time and I think she needed to hear how thankful we were for God bringing her to us!

Later that night, we went to the home of some great friends to watch a Christmas movie and have popcorn. She spent most of the time leaning on my shoulder and cuddling during the movie.  I am so thankful that she's not shy about needing love and just snuggles up!  I was so thankful for that down time to do just that!

The next day involved getting out all the containers of Christmas stuff we've collected over the years.  We had our Christmas music playing loudly and our santa hats on (I made sure we bought an extra this year)!  The other three kids loved showing her all the special memories, and she seemed to enjoy it.  But I felt a sadness that she had no memories in those bins.  Our kids get an ornament each year to put on the tree (something that reminds them of that year - a new sport or something they enjoy), and she didn't have an ornament.  We also do a tree with all the kids homemade ornaments, and I was SO thankful that she had recently been to a birthday party where she had made an ornament with her initial "A."  It was awesome to see that the kids had her put that ornament right in the middle of the tree!  We tried to make her feel very included and a part of the day, but I had a sadness, a loss of her past.  There were a few things she did that showed me that she felt sad as well.

While we usually have another movie night at home that night, some friends had given us tickets to go to see a hockey game.  So we put on our santa hats and off we went.  This was a great outing, especially since it was a new thing we got to do together!  She really enjoyed it and we shared lots of smiles and laughs!

That night, Scott and I decided that we needed to go out the next morning together and get our ornaments for this year!  The first one we found was hers - I saw an Orca whale and showed her, and that was it!  We also found a dragonfly and an ornament that said "Joy" (her middle name) with a bell on it for our family ornaments (Scott and me) this year.  When we put them on the tree, things seemed much more complete!  And yes, her orca is right in the middle and happens to be the most noticeable one on the tree!

Throughout the weekend, I definitely noticed some small sad patches, but overall, things went really well and I think we were all happy to have her feel a part of our family traditions.  We talked about how next year, these things will feel like her traditions as well.  I'm finding that I am really big on fairness, and so want her to feel as important as every other child in our family.  So . . . we are planning to go out after Christmas (when the really great sales hit) and look for 10 other ornaments for her to add to our tree next year (remembering her past and redeeming it)!  We are so thankful for God's goodness to us and thankful for our first Thanksgiving together!

Later, a paper came home that she had written at school about "Being Thankful."   Here are a few excerpts from our girls' heart:
"I love Jesus Christ more than anything in the world."
"I imagine Jesus being handsome, funny and nice."
"I am so thankful for Jesus Christ to forgive me for my sins and for everything bad I've done."
"I imagine Jesus and God being honest and funny."
"Remember, He's coming down here some day."
"Jesus, God and the Bible are really special to me."
"The Bible will help anybody to tell the truth."
"My family is great, they are all I can ask for."
I was amazed at her understanding and love for God and was thrilled to read her insights!  Sometimes, I think she gets it all better than I do.  Love her faith and her love for Him and for us!  Just had to share it :).

Over the past couple of weeks since Thanksgiving, Scott and I have realized that we have "our Aleeya" back!  By this I mean that the sadness is gone, the tension is gone, we don't seem to be bumping heads, and we are just enjoying our time together.  She's smiling, joyful, attentive doing homework, thanking me for helping her, and relaxed.  We still have the normal sibling stuff at times . . helping them to get along and be kind, but I'd have to say that even that is going pretty well!  She's fitting in so well, and I think we all feel more and more like a family!  What a blessing - we are going to enjoy these times!

Feelings after the Court Date . . . November 22, 2011

While Aleeya seemed to be doing great and really enjoyed her field trip on the actual court date, she seemed a little different in the days following.  Our social workers had told us that we should expect some rough times after this date.  Over the weekend, she seemed a little more tired than usual, but sometimes she is tired from her week.  One really cool thing that happened was that the day after the court date (Friday), we received our new "Family Pictures," and put them up in the frames in our living room.  There was one large one of the whole family and two 8x10's of the boys and the girls.  When she came home from school, she just kept looking at them.  We seriously caught her looking at them so often, and she would comment about how good they were.  It was neat that the day after her birth parents rights had been terminated, she could literally see herself in her new family.  We have so many family pictures throughout our home, and now we had a completed one!  While we had hoped to get them earlier, the timing of it all was pretty special.

The next two days of school, she seemed very different.  I especially remember picking her up on that Monday and Tuesday and not seeing her smiling face walking toward our van.  There was a heaviness, a sadness, and yet she seemed ok all at once (I guess that's how most of us are even when some tough stuff is going on inside).  As we worked on some math homework, she seemed to have forgotten so much of what she had been learning the past two months.  It was like there was a blocking out of that information.

Looking back, this was one of those times I wish I would have just understood and let it go.  Instead, I tried to get her to remember, to focus and stay with me.  I felt frustrated and didn't understand what was happening.  Now, I wish I would have just sat with her and read or watched a movie, or just taken a walk.  Maybe my way of getting through things is pushing along and she just needed some time.  I'm learning.

On Wednesday, there was a Thanksgiving Party at school and she seemed a little better.  I was so thankful to not have any homework that weekend and just have some good down time with the family together.  I hoped we would see our Aleeya back to her sweet, smiling self again soon.

"The Greatness of our God" - the .26 hearing . . . Nov. 20, 2011

In past blogs, I have shared about our court date for the .26 hearing.  This is the hearing where the court legally removes parental rights from Aleeya's birth family.  They had previously taken away all services from the birth family for reunification, but they don't legally remove their rights as parents until the child is in a concurrent home for adoption purposes.  Our hearing took place on Thursday, November 17th at 9am.

Originally, we had no idea that it would even be a possibility for her to have the opportunity to attend.  She had said her final "goodbye" to her mom back in March of this year before we had ever met in June.  I can't even imagine the pain she faced during that time.  Her foster family faced it with her and helped her to get through it somehow.

During her social worker's second visit to our home, she told Aleeya about this date and later casually mentioned it to Scott and I as we sat around the dining room table that it would be coming up and Aleeya was legally required to know about it (since she's over the age of 10) and could attend if she liked.  That in itself is a strange feeling for a parent . . knowing that your child is allowed to make a decision all on their own that is such a huge thing and so hard for them to have to make on their own.  Also knowing that while you want to give advice, you don't feel like you should push your opinions and feelings on her as this decision may be one that affects her life in such a major way.

At the time we heard about it, Aleeya was thinking about it.  I remember we talked about the decision that night, and she at first seemed excited to go - excited to see a court room (which Scott and I were happy to show her one here in town), excited to hear what was happening in her life (which we knew her social worker would tell us after the hearing), and excited to see her mom again and get to talk to her for a short amount of time.  I told her that it would be an exciting day, but also a sad day.  She didn't seem to understand.  Then I told her how it would be great to see her birth mom, but really hard and sad to have to leave again.  I told her that we would be there for her though and would help her through it if that's what she decided to do.

By the next month when her social worker came, Aleeya had said that she did want to go.  This was the visit where Scott was out of town with Alec at science camp for the week.  I felt the weight of it and yet had a certain peace as well.  I have gone through feelings of frustration that this would even be allowed, to feelings of fear for being known to her birth family, to feelings of being curious and wanting to go and thinking it may somehow be good for us to go through her having to see and leave her mom again, to hoping and praying that something else would come up and she would not want to go.  This last hope I had mentioned to a friend a couple of months ago and we had kinda tried to come up with something since it was close to my friend's birthday, but nothing really formed.

Well, ends up, a couple of weeks ago (Friday, November 4th), Aleeya's 5th grade class was scheduled to go on a field trip to the Calaveras Big Trees.  I was signed up to go as a driver.  But, there happened to be a snow storm coming that day (it's near the mountains), so they were going to reschedule.  Grant it, it's not super common to get a snow storm in early November here, or even rain for that matter, but still it was happening (some coincidence).  And this may seem presumptuous, but I now truly believe that God made it snow for us!  At the time, I didn't think much about it because they were looking at scheduling for the next week.  They wanted to schedule it for Thursday, November 10th since that Friday was Veteran's Day, but it ended up that there was a large school already going on that date.  And, since our school had scheduled a special meeting on Friday, November 18th to meet our new school superintendent, they opted to schedule the field trip for Thursday, November 17th (imagine that!)!  I had heard it through a friend that this was the day, but had a hard time believing it at first (where's my faith?!).  When I finally saw it in print, I about flipped!  I couldn't believe it - God had done what I had casually mentioned I wished would happen!  And while I've been praying about that date for months, I really had to leave it in His hands - I could do nothing.  He's unbelievable and truly grants the desires of our hearts!!!

So, I casually mentioned it to Aleeya . . you know, that the exciting field trip was rescheduled for the same day as court, but that it was up to her what she'd like to do.  I tried to act like it was no big deal.  She was smart and asked if she could think about it.  I told her "of course."  Then, while talking to my sister, I told her how I didn't want to influence Aleeya's decision (even though at one point Aleeya asked if I would make the decision for her if she couldn't decide - to which I said "no, I can't on this one" . . . but will be happy to on basically every other decision).  It just wasn't the right thing to do.  Plus, I had really given it completely over to God and knew that He would help us through this time (although it often felt overwhelming - the idea of it all and how it might affect her).

While talking to my sister, she gave me some awesome advice . . . she said, why don't you guys start praying about it over the next week - for God's wisdom for making the decision and for peace in it all - so Aleeya can see how God helps us make decisions and leads us.  Wow, what a revelation - of course!!!  So, we did begin praying during our family time with God.  Almost each day, Aleeya would bring it up and think about the different factors of this decision.  She would say that she wanted to go to court since there would be other field trips (a thought Alec had mentioned) and her teacher wasn't able to go on this one because of plans she had made a long time ago.  Then she would say that it would be too hard and sad to go to court.  Then Ashley mentioned how neat it would be to go to court (what was it with these kids)!  After a couple of days, she told me she was positive she wanted to go on the field trip!  The weird thing was that then I kinda felt like she should go to the court date.  I think it was just that I was all prepared by this point, and I worried that she'd later feel like she wished she could have seen her birth mom one more time.  Plus, I wanted to get a picture of them together since Aleeya didn't have any pictures of her birth mom.  Scott was still strongly feeling that she should not be at court that day; he was coming in as her "Protecter," protecting her from any harm or sadness she would face.  I didn't say anything either way, and just waited to see if this really was her final decision.

About a week before the date, a trusted friend who normally just works through things with me without a major opinion, felt very strongly that it was not a good idea for her to be at court.  She reminded me that she had already said goodbye to her birth mom, was adjusting and moving on in her new life with us, and that this would indeed be a very difficult thing for her to go through.  We both saw how God's hand had allowed this "coincidence" to happen, and that it was not a coincidence at all.  She encouraged me that it would be a really GOOD thing if Aleeya chose the field trip.  This helped bring me great peace.  I now felt like I would be ok if Aleeya chose the field trip.  I also realized that Aleeya's social worker could get a picture of her birth mom for me, and that would be great!

During all of this, my Bible reading had been the chronological reading (through the four gospels) of Jesus' death on the cross and resurrection.  I have never read it that way - using Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John and reading it all in succession.  It is amazing to read it that way, to hear each author's perception, and to get such a clear glimpse of it all.  By the time I had finished, the power of the resurrection was so real and fresh!  I could feel it!  I was so thankful to God for giving me this particular reading during this time!  I needed to know and feel His power once again - power to forgive, power to rise again, power over all the earth!

By Sunday, Aleeya began to talk about the possibility of going to court once again.  On Monday, she told me how excited she was about the field trip and couldn't wait!  And by Tuesday, she made the final decision and told her social worker that she had a very difficult decision to make, and that she had decided to go to the field trip, that it would be too sad to go to court.  Whew!  I felt so thankful and relieved!  I asked the social worker if there would be any good reason for Scott or I to be at court and she said no.  The court had already sent us a form to fill out for us to tell them how Aleeya was doing, and it was so fun to fill it out as she has really been doing so well overall!  Grades up/honor roll, getting along with siblings and friends, adjusting to her new family, loving her church group, loving horse back riding lessons, and learning piano . . and also letting them know that we'd been through some rough spots and worked through it well.

Before Aleeya's social worker arrived, I told her that if she wasn't going to court, she was welcome to write her birth mom a note.  I had three notecards sitting out for her to choose from.  She picked one that talked about God's peace and JOY filling you and she picked that out first (probably because of her middle name being in it and the fact that she wants to talk to her mom about God).  She messed up in it, and I told her I'd get her another, but then she saw the dragonfly notecards and said she'd use that one - how appropriate!  She asked if she could tell her birth mom about her name change, and I said that was fine but that she should probably explain it so her birth mom understood.  Well, she did that.  The other thing she wanted to tell her is that she was getting adopted.  This still pains me for her birth mom.  How hard that would be to hear.  She wrote "Mother" on the front of the card.  We also sent a picture of Aleeya for her social worker to give her birth mom.  There is a part of me that does want to keep up with her birth mom (not Aleeya, just me through her social worker).  My heart aches for her, and God is giving me great love for her and helping me to care for her through all of this, something I didn't know if I could do and feel.  I pray that she will truly come to know Him and experience Jesus!

Over the next couple of days, I felt a freedom and release.  I had friends high-fiving me and asking me how it was going, sending texts and messages, and praying lots for us!   On Thursday, when we were headed to the field trip, the clock said 9:00am in our van and I showed Scott!  I began praying for everything that was happening in that court room - for the judge, the lawyers, her birth parents, and her social worker.  And I realized that it had happened - this day and time had come, and we weren't in court.  GOD HAD A PLAN and HE HAD DONE IT!  Wow!!!  We enjoyed the day with her on the field trip and felt amazed by God's goodness.

She didn't have to be in a court room seeing her birth mom again, with memories coming back and possible longings to be with her again.  She didn't have to hear the court take away her birth parents' legal rights as parents.  She didn't have to say goodbye all over again.  She could just have a fun day with her friends surrounded by God's beauty, and she did just that.  We didn't sense any concern or sense of sadness that day and we thanked God!

We later got a text from our agency and a call from her social worker stating that court had taken place and parental rights were terminated.  This was a huge praise as these court dates can often get continued for something small, and that would mean another court date.  Both attorney's for the birth parents objected to rights being terminated, but the court decided.  The court was happy to hear how well she was doing and read our entire form in court.  Unfortunately, Aleeya's social worker was unable to get a picture of her birth mom because she declined, but I guess it wasn't meant to be for now.  Both birth parents still have a right to appeal, and while this won't change anything, it will take us longer to finalize the adoption (about 6 months longer as it will sit in appellate court in a stack to be denied).  It turns out that this is an easy thing for them to do, and they have appealed everything (except the out-of-town foster care paper that everyone also thought would be appealed and the birth mom signed over)!

Well, can I just say that my God has great power and is over all!  Psalm 33:10 says that "The LORD frustrates the plans of the nations and thwarts all their schemes."  If he can handle the nations, he can handle a couple of people!  In the last portion of the form we filled out for the court, they asked what our desired outcome would be.  I stated that "she is eleven and needs to be settled and belong to a family.  For her sake, we would hope that this process could be completed quickly so that she can know she is secure and safe without fear of being moved again."  My hope was to help the birth parents and the court to care for Aleeya and her needs!  We have seen huge changes in her life, and her social worker said that she is a completely different girl - outgoing and happy and secure!  So, I'm believing God for a miracle!  I'm asking Him to thwart their plan to appeal and have this adoption move more quickly.  I know He is able!  If you could, please pray with us on this!  I have decided that I completely believe He is able!  But even if He chooses not to move in the way I hope, I know that my God lives and His plan will stand!

This morning as I was singing to God, the tears finally came and they just flowed freely.  This is what I sang with arms lifted high as Austin stood beside me and my husband sang from on stage:

"The Greatness of our God" by Hillsong

Give me eyes to see more of who You are
May what I behold still my anxious heart.
Take what I have known and break it all apart
For You my God, are greater still.

No sky contains, no doubt restrains
All you are, the greatness of our God.
I spend my life to know, and I'm far from close
To all You are, the greatness of our God.

Give me grace to see beyond this moment here.
To believe that there is nothing left to fear.
That You alone are high above it all.
For You my God, are greater still.


And there is nothing that can ever separate us from Your love.
No life, no death, of this I am convinced.
You my God, are greater still.
And no words can say, or song convey,
All You are, the greatness of our God.

HE is truly GREAT and greatly to be praised.  I love that "No doubt restrains all He is!"

Thanks for going through this with us, praying, and loving us.  This was a huge week for our family, and God walked with us through it all!  Amen.

Life is once again good, so thankful . . . November 14, 2011

Well, I am entering into this season of thankfulness with a real heart of gratitude as we have had a good week or so of being back to "normal."  Life has flowed along relatively easily, our family is working together and enjoying each other, and I'm happy to report that there is no major trauma going on in our lives.  Thank you Lord!  And I'm so thankful to those of you who are praying for us . . it truly means more than words can say!!!

There are so many times when I am truly thankful that Aleeya is 11 and able to communicate well with us. We are able to work through difficulties much easier as we talk and figure each other out.  We are very honest and talk often about our needs.  She can tell me if she's frustrated or hurting, and I can tell her if I'm needing her to work on some areas to help our family function well.  We are doing better working together on homework and she doesn't seem near as frustrated, especially since getting that honor roll certificate and a free shaved ice!  And I keep reminding her how smart she is and how capable she is to learn.  It's kinda funny that we do some things to help her learn (things that really help all of the kids) that she doesn't even realize . . . like listening to books in the car sometimes, or even watching "Little House on the Prairie" together.  It helps teach the meaning of words and how people relate and work through difficulties.  And she still really loves our family times with God each night . . . I'm amazed at her growth and faith!

This week I did realize that we are having some sibling stuff happening that needed to be addressed.  You see, when Aleeya first joined our family, I was so thankful to have three other kids that knew our family dynamics inside and out.  They were all old enough to know and share "what we do" and "what we don't do."  And at first, that was really helpful . . kinda like positive peer pressure.  We encouraged them to nicely help Aleeya to know how to live in our home.  But now, she's settled in and knows how things work.  And, I could tell she was pretty much over being told what to do.  As well, the younger two weren't saying things as nicely as at first and often would act as though she should definitely know by now.  On the other hand, Aleeya was feeling quite comfortable and was telling Ashley what to do a little more than she should with a little tattle-taling mixed in as well.  And Ashley was not crazy about that . . . yet another person telling her what to do!  So . . . both sides were addressed and they all agreed that it was happening and needed to stop.  I reminded them that we are family, and family will be together forever.  I reminded them that we are on the same team and should show lots of love to one another.  We also talked about the Golden Rule (Do unto others what you would have them do unto you), and that they should only come "tell" on someone if they are going to get hurt or if they have truly tried to work it out with them first and the person isn't willing to help.  And there are still times that they can encourage their siblings to do the right thing, but it should come out encouraging, not demeaning and trying to be in charge.  It's amazing how these issues creep in so quickly!

I've also noticed that since we worked through some issues, our level of intimacy has grown and Aleeya is free to talk and share and be herself once again!  She has asked for help with things and wanted to be parented.  As a mom of a girl, I realize that this is so needed, and I feel blessed and thankful that God is opening up these doors of relationship for us!

While life is currently good, I realize that we are still in transition and there are many events and issues for us to face.  One that is right around the corner is our court date on this Thursday, November 17th at 9am.  There is actually a chance that Aleeya may not want to go at this point, but the date has not arrived yet and so we remain waiting for the day.  Please pray for God's hand to be strong in leading us through this time.  He has done some pretty amazing things this past couple of weeks, and we are in awe!  I will blog about those details soon, but for now, we are thankful for each prayer offered on our behalf!  We serve a great God who is our Father and know what's best for us!  Looking forward to sharing how God shows up in our lives this week!

Major Breakthrough, Continuing to Trust

Psalm 56: 3, 10-12
"When I am afraid, I will trust in you.
In God, whose word I praise, in the Lord, whose word I praise-
in God I trust; I will not be afraid.  What can man do to me?
I am under vows to you, O God; I will present my thank offerings to you."

God has given us a victory this past week, and so there is reason to celebrate what He has done!  While I don't really want to share all the details, we saw great victory as we were able to talk with Aleeya about her fears and have her be truthful with us.  And we saw a return to peace within our home and within her life.  It was like a weight was lifted from all of us.  I am so thankful!

I am finding that there is so much to learn about raising a child that I have not known for eleven years.  I so wish that I had known her for her whole life, and I wish that so much of this didn't feel new every day, for her or for us.  But this is the path God has chosen for us, so we are asking for daily wisdom.  I know that there is much good happening in her life, and I am seeing the security build and the bonding happening.  And for that, I am thankful!

Last week especially, I found myself questioning my parenting style with her and wondering if I was doing it right for her.  I talked with a wonderful friend who has done social work with eleven year olds that encouraged me that it was ok, and to maybe try to focus on a couple of things at a time.  This allowed me to return to peace and not stress as much over all the details, which was great.  Yet it is hard to know which areas to focus on and what to let go . . . character issues, behaviors, school work, relationships?  Somehow they all seem to intertwine a bit and some may be fine for weeks and then come up again.  So, I am trying to learn to read her needs and work a little bit at a time and just show her love throughout it all.  I'm pretty sure I won't do it all right (and am accepting that "that's ok"), so I'm just going to give it my best shot and trust God for the results in all of this little by little.

I continue to struggle as I want to be fair and be sure I am doing right by all our children.  Are they all feeling love?  Do they get enough of my time?  Do I seem frustrated with them?  Am I treating each of them the same if they do well?  Am I treating each of them the same if they mess up?  While so much of me says to treat Aleeya like the rest of our children, that doesn't seem to work out so well.  So, I'm muddling through this as well.  I'm longing to be fair and to be loving and kind.  It's a little more difficult than I thought!

And then there's this little guilt that continues to come up, and I know it's from Satan, that makes me think I should be doing more.  I'm not currently working outside the home, and our finances show that it would be helpful for me to get going.  I'm not currently serving in a ministry at church, and I have always felt that is something that every church member should do and enjoy (and I have in the past).  Yet I feel no peace with starting myself going in either of these directions right now.  Currently, it seems that having a new child in our home is my full time job and ministry.  I do look forward to getting back into parenting ministry when God allows and would love to help our budget, but I need to trust that God has this time for me right now.

Each day I sense God asking me to trust Him completely . . . with my fears, with our finances, with our future.  And each new day that I awake with underlying fears and concerns,  I am taking them to Him and asking for His greatness to be shown in my weakness.  I am begging for Him to increase my faith and know that He is God and will show Himself strong on our behalf.

And so . . . we are so thankful for the breakthrough God gave us and continuing to trust that He will lead us and guide us through whatever comes our way.

Hard Times, Special Times . . . October 30, 2011

Habakkuk 3:17,18
"Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior."

While we did have a reprieve for about a week, where things seemed to be getting better, we are continuing through a season of difficult times, difficult behavior and attitudes.  Our adoption agency had taught us about many of these things, but it feels a little different somehow . . . probably because she's eleven and did so well for the first couple of months (so we know she's capable), probably because we feel like we are giving her every opportunity to do right and trying to teach and train . . . probably because the "honeymoon" is over.  But we have to remember that so much of this is "normal" for her and that we haven't had her for the past eleven years to teach, train, and love.  And we don't understand her past experiences and how that shapes her today.  So, we are seeking advice and trying to learn how to handle the things we are facing, and we are praying for God's wisdom each day.  Our social worker has encouraged us that this is usually the bottom point and that we have most likely seen the worst, that we aren't likely to see new behaviors pop up.  But he's also warned us that the upcoming court date (November 17th) would likely be a difficult time as well.  I have to say that I find myself tensing up a bit as this month draws to an end, and November is right around the corner.  As much as I thought I was ok with it, I know the reality is that it will be very hard to face that day.  I'm also really thankful that we are heading into the special times of Thanksgiving and Christmas as this time of year brings a special joy in our home.

As well, we have had some "special times" together lately.  A couple of weeks ago, I took all the kids back to where Aleeya had lived to meet up with her best friend.  I knew that she missed him, and I had promised that we would go visit when possible.  So, we took a Saturday and made it a day trip.  We tried to get a hold of a couple of other girlfriends of hers, but they weren't able to make it.  So, I picked up her best bud, and we went to a nearby park.  The kids all seemed to have fun together, and I was glad we did it.  It was somewhat of a difficult day for me, mainly because the drive back to where we used to visit her just brings so many emotions.  On our way home, we told her about how hard it was to drive home without her and the kids mentioned how quiet our van was on the way home.  She asked why, and we told her it was hard to leave her each time.  She smiled and I think it made her feel special and loved inside.

As well, I took her on a "Woman to Woman" trip.  This is a trip Scott did with the boys (except it was called a "Man to Man" trip, of course) when they were eleven to talk to them about what it means to grow up and become a man.  Each trip has been a couple of days that was tailored to that child's interests.  On my trip with Aleeya, I thought it would be neat to travel to San Diego and take her to Sea World.  She loves Orca whales and had never been to Sea World.  Plus, on the way down there, I wanted to show her where we used to live in So Cal and where many of our memories have been made.  We went to our favorite restaurant there, and she loved it.  During the trip, we listened to James Dobson's series on "Preparing for Adolescence," which talks about conformity, inferiority, how your body changes and grows during those years, the meaning of love, and finding your identity.  It is a great series and really helps pre-adolescent kids to be ready for the upcoming years in their life.  We spent a couple of nights with some friends that lived down there, and visited one of my best friends on the way home.  We had lots of time to talk on our trip, and one of the neatest times was when she asked me questions about God for about an hour straight.  She seemed to really enjoy Sea World, and we got to feed and pet some dolphins which was really fun for both of us!  That day at Sea World marked a special date - we have now had her for 3 months.  My goal in all of this was to spend some special time with her, help her feel loved and special, prepare her for her future years as a teenager, and just be with her for some special quality time.

While I believe that much of that happened, we also had quite a few difficult times together.  Behavior and attitudes were not what I expected.  When we arrived home, I felt frustrated and sad.  I realized that I need some help in learning to parent her.  I tend to be straight up about my feelings and anything that concerns me with my children, so we had some talks about stuff, but I wasn't sure I was coming at things the right way.  So, I'm seeking the help needed, and trying to learn how to understand her and help her in the best way possible.  We've continued with some difficult times since we've been home, and at times, I found myself feeling defeated and wanting to hide.  Yet God gives me extra strength to confront it, be her parent, and I ask Him for an extra dose of His love to flow through me to her (even when I don't feel like it).  I've gone through feelings of guilt when I don't really want to be around her, feelings that I'm not able to do this, feelings of fear as I realize that she may always have these characteristics and I may not be able to get through to her, etc.  And then I remember that God clearly told us that we were to adopt, that she was the one, and that He is our Shelter, our Refuge, and He is faithful.  We don't need to fear, for He is with us (Psalm 91).  His Word is truly what gives me hope and security during times when I'm not sure what to do or how to handle life.  And I remember that though things may look bleak, yet I will rejoice in God my Savior!  He has done great things for us!

So . . . I'd like to ask for your continued prayers during this time.  Only God is able to help us, and He is quite capable!  Thanks for your love and support - it really does help.

A Couple of Weeks . . . October 12, 2011

Not really sure how to start this one, but it has been "a couple of weeks."  I'm not sure why I haven't blogged except to say that I kinda wait for it to feel like I need to before I sit down and start typing.  And there are times when things are happening so quickly and I don't have time to make sense of it all, so I wait . . . hoping it will all come together.  Not saying that it has all come together, but I'm at a point where it's time to type.  So . . . here goes.

I guess it's been about 3 weeks since I last posted.  I remember thinking that first week that there was nothing to report.  It had been such a normal, peaceful time for our family and life felt pretty good.  Now, looking back, I think I should have basked in the beauty of that time and mentioned what an amazing thing it was!

The past two weeks have not quite proved to be the same.  While none of this is meant to complain or feel sorry for myself, it has been a difficult two weeks.  Scott went away for a week with our son Alec to 6th grade science camp.  They had a great time together making awesome memories, and I'm so glad he went.  But I hadn't thought through how that might change our family dynamics for the week.  I was a single mom to three kids, one of whom is still transitioning.  And for her, our family structure means a ton!  Imagine that!  There is absolutely no way I could do this adoption without Scott, and his presence just brings so much to each day!  It also happened to be the week that we had our social workers come for a visit - how fun!  Things actually seemed ok until that Tuesday.  Somehow, since that visit, things have been a little rough.

During that visit, we learned that Aleeya does want to go to an event that may bring more difficult times our way.  This gets a little confusing, but we need your prayers for this date, so I'll try to explain.  At our first visit with her social worker about a month earlier, we learned that because Aleeya is 11 yrs. old (over 10 is the age), she has the right to attend the .26 hearing.  This is a hearing that will terminate her parents rights and free her to be adopted legally.  We had no idea that this would even be an option (we were looking for a 4-8 yr. old originally, so nobody mentioned it).  I remember being caught by surprise and wanting to fight the idea at first, but I listened and tried to remain calm as the social worker told us that she was talking to Aleeya about it to see if she wanted to go.  Later, I realized how normal it would be for her to want to go - her mom would be there most likely and she could see her again.  She hasn't seen her since March and thought that would be the last time.  After some time to process, God began to help me to see that this could be a good thing for me to be able to go through with her.  A time where I could better understand her life and history.  A time where I could be there to comfort her as needed.  So, Scott and I began to pray for His will.

During this visit, with Scott gone, her social worker told me that she does want to attend.  And while it wasn't shocking news, it was still something that moved me.  That night, she wanted to talk for awhile.  I had said something that upset her, and she needed to let me know.  It was something that I in no way meant to hurt her, but it did.  I realized how sensitive she is to certain subjects, and asked for her forgiveness.  She also asked me some really amazing questions - "would you still want to adopt me if I was bad?"  And she started another questions with - "ok, mom this is totally not true or anything, but what if I didn't like God or going to church, would you still adopt me?"  Wow, she had been thinking!  I told her yes for both cases, that we had prayed and asked God to show us our girl, and He had been clear.  I told her that she would have some tough consequences if she was bad, that we would be sad if she didn't love God, and that she would still go to church with us even if she didn't like it.  She then said "but I'm glad we're Christians!," which is so evident in her life.  And the amount of times she's been so excited before and after going to church is pretty overwhelming!  Still, it was pretty amazing that she was asking these questions.  We also talked about the upcoming court date (November 17th), and I asked her how she felt about it.  She said she was excited to get to see her mom and see if she's changed any.  I told her it might be a good day and a hard day all together, and after I explained, she agreed.

Throughout that week, we began to "bump heads" a lot.  Nothing awful and no major arguing or anything.  We just weren't getting along as well, and some of her behavior seemed out of sorts, and we've had to talk through a few things.  Could have been because Scott was gone, could have been because she's realizing she will see her mom again, could have been totally normal 5th grade girl stuff, could have been because I was tired with Scott gone!  Most likely, a combination of it all!  But it has kinda continued since then.  Things became lots better once Scott came home, but it's still there.  I've talked with her about it, and she was kind and listened, but something is just there.  Not sure it it's a bit of a power struggle, or her just testing me and my love for her?

So, I've felt a little more overwhelmed and tired than usual.  The social workers came back for a visit yesterday, and our social worker reminded me that usually we will see the toughest times during the second and third month and that this is normal and we are actually doing great!  He also said that the court date will probably be another bump in the road.  And while I know things are fine and God is good and completely in control, I'm also quite sure that I'm not strong enough to do all of this.  So many fears come into my head and I wonder about now and the future.  I know that fear comes only from Satan, and God reminds me that He's been with us all along showing us that this is His will and He will stay with us no matter what!

I keep hearing a song on the radio that has been a great encouragement.  It's a song by Matthew West that says:

"You must, you must think I'm strong
To give me what I'm going through
Well, forgive me, forgive me if I'm wrong
But this looks like more that I can do . . . on my own

I know I'm not strong enough to be everything that I'm supposed to be
I give up, I'm not strong enough
Hands of mercy won't you cover me
Lord right now I'm asking you to be
Strong enough, strong enough for the both of us

Cause I'm broken, down to nothing
but I'm still holding on to the one thing
You are God and you are strong
When I am week

I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength
And I don't have to be . . Strong enough . . Strong enough"

So thankful for how music and His Word daily ministers to me.  And this has stirred up my desire to really seek God with my whole heart and ask for His wisdom!  He has led me to draw closer to Him and spend more time with Him, and it is a good thing!

So, we continue in our journey.  Our days are still filled with lots of homework to do together - she's catching up on missed time with a mom to help her learn.  As well, we have started reading a book together for her monthly book report to help her better understand some wording since she struggled with the last book she read.  I'm pretty sure that there are many words that she is not understanding - she can read them really well, but possibly due to learning two languages up until she was 8 and probably not learning the English that we all know so well, we are reading together so I can try to explain as we go.  And the really amazing thing (I think) is that somehow the past two books she's picked for her book reports are about foster/adopted kids.  It's really wild because we didn't go looking for them and didn't even spend much time in the library getting them, they just looked good and we checked them out!  It was after she started reading them that we realized.  Thankfully, the one she has now is a Christian based book and this girl just happens into a Christian family.  Coincidence?  I doubt it.  I often feel bad for her having to spend so much time working on homework, but she perseveres pretty well most days and often thanks me for helping.  We have days when I can tell she is "so done," but when she brings home those good grades, the smile tells me it's all worth it!

There are days when I remember how easy it was just having three, but I can't imagine life without her!  Even through the struggles, I watch her and realize I'm quite in love with this girl!  Please keep praying for us as we learn and grow together, and especially for our November 17th day that God would be with us and show Himself strong in all of it!  Thanks so much!

Tears came to our home this week . . . September 21, 2011

This past week has kinda been one that we've been waiting for or at least wondering if it would come to our family.  It showed up without warning and yet, it actually ended up being a really good, healthy thing.

Before I blog about that, there is something that is kinda frustrating to me, especially this week.  I find that when you are a child that has been in the foster care system, there are constant reminders that you're not like the "other kids."  Sometimes this comes just by looking around you and seeing that everyone else has "always been with their birth parents."  Sometimes it's because your skin color is different from your new family.  Sometimes it's because it's just hard to figure out what your family is talking about because they have always been together and have history and understand those short phrases that they always say to each other.  I see these types of things pop up a lot with Aleeya.

But then there are other outside things that bring up the fact that they are not like the other kids.  Like every time a social worker visits our home for their monthly visit to check on her and on us.  Or when there are the friends who ask her questions about how she is doing with her new family, and then want to know more about her past.  These are things Aleeya deals with and yet keeps a smile on her face through most of it.  I'm going through a lot of it with her, and think it really stinks sometimes.  It seems to be part of the deal.  Thankfully, we have a lot of love to give her and a great God to help us through it.

In all of this, our goal is to let her feel as "normal" and part of our family as possible!  This past week we got to celebrate Aleeya because of a great accomplishment at school.  She had been struggling and working really hard in Math.  And while I can help her with and explain her homework to her, I can't help on the tests.  I pulled up her grades online one day to see how she was doing, and there it was!  A "90" on her Math Test!!!  I was so excited!!!  I emailed her teacher and began the celebration.  That night I decided that we would definitely be celebrating together!  First, we looked at the paper and I told her how proud I was of her and how "she can do Math!" (belief is part of the battle).  Then, we put the test on the fridge (something I don't think she's ever had the privilege of doing), and then she got to pick what kind of cake she wanted me to make that night for dessert.  Her response was, "I've never had a family celebrate for me."  This was a good thing that was happening!  And by the way, we not have 3 of Aleeya's papers covering the fridge (2 of them she put up just today)!

Well, this week we finally had some tears come to our home.  It's actually a kinda strange thought that I've never seen my daughter cry.  It ended up being a bit of a special time, but it was hard as well.  During our family time with God at night, she looked a little sad.  I wasn't sure what was bothering her, but thought it might be stuff with friends or just being tired.  After prayer, she told me she needed to talk to me.  So . . we went and sat on my bed and she began to cry.  She said that Ashley had asked her about some things, basically seeing if we measured up to her birth family (gotta love that girl).  And while Aleeya said what she asked was fine, it made her think about her birth family.  She talked about missing some of her family and about some of her past.  She said that although she knows we wouldn't ever do it, she sometimes has dreams about us giving her to another family.  She told me some pretty personal, hard stuff and held on and cried.  I listened, hugged, and prayed with her and assured her that we prayed for her so long and that God had given her to us to keep forever!  It was a special time of bonding that lasted for about 45 minutes.  When I felt like she was pretty much finished (for now), I told her she probably needed to get some rest.  So, after some good tissue blowing and a really great big daddy hug (since he just happened to walk in the room right as we were heading out), I followed her into her bedroom and made sure she settled in ok.  The next day, I could see some of the sadness holding on, and I tried to be sensitive while encouraging her that it would be ok.  We talked some more that evening briefly, and that night she asked if we could talk and pray together more often (like every night).  I told her I would be willing whenever she needed it, but that we couldn't always stay up late.  That night we prayed together again, and it really seemed to help.  Since then, we've been able to talk more openly about some stuff, and she seems to be doing better.  It was really healthy to know that she could be open with me, that she trusted that I could help her, and for me to understand the things she's dealing with on the insides.  I found it was really good that this took awhile to come out, as I know her better now and know the girl she is each day.  It made it easier to hear and understand what she had to say.

I'm finding as time goes by, it is easier to treat her like "one of my own."  To tell her things like:  you need to re-make your bed, or go blow your nose, or please don't drag your feet when you are wearing your flip flops.  I think this is a healthy thing as well.  She takes it all so well, and we joke around quite a bit to make it easier, but at times, it's still just weird to expect things from her like I do all our other kids.  I often want to give her a break (and many times I do), but this too is part of being treated as "normal."

Oh yeah, and I did some research and the "baby dragonfly" (picture to the right) that we thought we saw last week.  It is actually a damselfly, not a baby.  Dragonflies and damselflies don't get their wings until the end of their life, so they are full grown at that point.  Also, we found a dragonfly on the ground as we were riding bikes this week, and of course we somehow had to bring it home.  So Ashley got it onto a stick and put in in the bag I was carrying (yes, I was a little freaked out).  But it didn't seem to be able to fly when we got it, so I hoped it would stay put and not get squished on our way home.  It made it home alive and we kept it overnight.  The girls wanted it as a pet, but I was pretty sure it was in the process of dying.  By the morning, it was very still and had died, but still pretty cool to look at.  Yet another dragonfly experience!  Currently, we have a praying mantice living at our home that the girls are loving!  I think it's praying for deliverance :)!

One other note . . if you are reading this blog and happen to see us, just wanted to let you all know (as nicely as possible) that Aleeya is not currently reading this blog, so if you could not mention to her that you are reading it, that would be great.  It's mainly to help us remember this special time in our life, the transition, to help others who may be thinking about adoption, and for her to read later in her life to see how God's faithfulness has been with her all along.  Thanks and blessings :)!

Really, Really Great Days - Sad Moments . . . September 14, 2010

I really, really wanted to just write a fun, upbeat, happy :) post full of all great things this time.  I've felt like the last few posts talked of being tired too often, or of the difficult times learning to adjust to our "new normal."  And while this post will have tons of GREAT stuff, I have to keep it real.  There are moments when things hit me out of the blue and make me sad.  So, that will be included as well.

Here are all the amazing things that happened this week:

We finally got a new license plate frame :).  On our van, I have had a frame on my license plate that read "I love my Triple A's" for a really long time.  We knew that needed to go as we began this process, and were really happy a friend of ours (that also happen to have three kids with "A" names) could use it.  But, we have been trying to get a new one made at our mall for months, and the machine has been down.  They finally fixed the machine, and our new frame proudly displays
"Butler Bunch - WE ARE FAMILY!"  (Yes, we do occasionally break out in song).
She noticed it and likes it lots!

This made my heart happy!

Also , Aleeya came home from Club 56 Wednesday night happy as I've ever seen her asking if she could go to church every day!  Club 56 just started up for the school year on Wednesday nights, and they do small groups where they get together and discuss the Bible and life.  She got paired with a couple of friends and made a couple of new ones and clearly, really loves it!

This made my heart happy!

A cool thing that happened this weekend was that Aleeya spotted a baby dragonfly in our backyard.  As most of you know, dragonflies has been some sort of theme for our adoption.  I'm working on coming up with a blog about "lessons learned from the dragonfly."  We see literally tons of them pretty much every day (and I've probably only noticed like 5 or 6 in my entire life up until now), and the kids notice them a lot now too.  Well, one of the kids came upstairs and said Aleeya needed me outside.  I was in the middle of doing stuff and asked if it was important, but didn't get much of a response.  I headed down, and she was fine.  Thankfully, I didn't get upset for being interrupted as she showed me a baby dragonfly she had found.  It was sitting still on the top of our rose tree for all of us to examine.  I even went into the house to get my camera, and when I came out, it was still there so I could get a picture (check it out to the right).  She too has realized that dragonflies have meant something to us and we've kinda explained it to her, so it was cool that she saw a baby.

This made my heart happy!

This may sound kinda funny, but I got my first kiss!  When Aleeya first came to be a part of our family, I remember wondering how we would do our "normal" night time routine.  We have always done our quiet time and then hugged and kissed each of the kids before bed.  At first, I wasn't sure what to do!  I remember just giving her a short hug at first.  Soon after, I noticed that she would be sure she was in a place where she could get a good hug (like she wouldn't get in bed until after hugs).  As time moved on, we got really long good hugs, much longer than any of our other kids!  I'm pretty sure we were making up for lost time :)!  All this time in the back of my mind though, I wondered how she felt as we kissed each of the other three.  I wondered if she wanted a kiss, but wasn't sure how to ask that (that would be awkward) and didn't want to push it on her or make her feel uncomfortable.  In the past few weeks, we have become way more relaxed and after our long hugs, I would gently take her face into my hands and kiss her on her sweet, soft cheek.  She never seemed to mind, so I continued.  Well, the other night after doing just that, she came back and kissed me on my cheek as well.  It was so sweet and cute, and she jumped in bed looking at me like, "Was that ok?"  I reassured her with a happy face and telling her I loved her.  The next night, she gave me a quick kiss as well closer to my lips, and last night, I got a kiss on my lips just like all our kids do each night!  Yup, I guess she was ready for more closeness.  It's funny because I've always just kissed each of my kids as babies and continued from there - it was always so natural.  I've never had to start this process at age 11!

This made my heart really happy (and I think it did hers too)!

Since I gotta be real, there was a tough day this week.  As most of you know, we have been told that at around 6 weeks, we would likely experience some tough times, so . . we've . . been . . waiting.  Well, this week went by so incredibly well that I figured we would have to wait for our "tough times" to come later, and that still may be the case.  But, we did have one sad moment that hit me out of nowhere!  This is usually how it happens.  Things are moving along normally, and than "BLAM!"

I had taken her to her first real horse lesson (we had one prior special lesson for the teacher to get to know her), and on our way home, she asked me when we might go back to her old stables to visit.  I told her that we would have to see when they might be having a special event and that they were supposed to email me when those came up.  But I mentioned that those stables are quite a distance away, so we would have to see.  Then, she asked about calling a friend from where she used to live, and I told her sure, she could call.  Then she talked about wanting to visit, and maybe trying to go to a talent show at her old school that her friend had told her about, and then, she wanted to be in the talent show.  While this may not seem like a big deal, it somehow cut at my heart and made me feel so sad!  It made me feel like she loved them more than us and that she wasn't adapting as well as I thought . . that somehow we weren't good enough . . and I felt sad and jealous and hurt.  While this was in no way a HUGE deal compared to what this week could have held, it was still one of those moments that was hard.  These were all things that I was totally fine with the first couple of weeks (sure we could visit her old horse stables and friends), but I have grown attached.  And now, the trip back to where she used to live is one that would be hard for me to make emotionally.

I had forgotten that she's only been with us for like 6-7 weeks, and that it's normal to miss good friends, and that it's actually really good she has some close friends like this, and that I too have moved and remember missing my friends so badly!  At the same time, I had to figure out what the boundaries of this should look like -
how often should she talk with her friends from where she used to live?
how often should we visit (or even should we)?
how do I encourage her to grow in friendships here instead?
We did talk through some of that and she understood that too much time focussing on where she used to live will only make it harder to settle in to her new life.  Yet, thankfully, I could totally relate to her missing friends since I've moved quite a few times.  This is something we will still be working through, but we'll get there!  These are things that she probably feels too as we talk about our past . . a past that didn't include her.  This is some of the "tough stuff."

This made my heart sad.

Before I finish, I wanted to give a few "fun" notes, things that I want to remember as a "new mom!"  Aleeya and I have laughed over these quite a few times, and done that "Remember when . . ?" thing.

Once, when we went shopping together at the mall, we stopped into Bath & Body to get a couple of things.  I wanted to get those room sprays, and went back to the counter to pick which ones I liked.  Well, she took the spray and very casually took off the top and sprayed it on her wrist!!!  It was so cute!  I looked at her and said, "oh no sweetie, that's a room spray" and she laughed so hard!

This past week, as I came down one morning, she was eating her favorite cereal, Cocoa Pebbles.  She was kinda making a face and said, "this milk doesn't taste very good."  I was pretty sure we didn't have any past due milk and asked her about it.  Then she said, "Oh, I got it from the cardboard carton."  Then I realized she had used Scott's half and half (for his coffee).  Poor thing - yuk!  She went ahead and got a new bowl of cereal with some good milk!

And God encouraged me in a great way this past Sunday at church.  I've been feeling really tired lately, more than usual.  I guess it's adjusting to our family with four kids, doing more homework than usual, and learning to think ahead and stuff.  Anyhow, I hate feeling tired and like to have lots of energy.  As we began singing "Everlasting God," a song by Lincoln Brewster, I was struck by a couple of lines that I have sung tons of times.  I sang,

"You do not faint, You won't grow weary."

So thankful to serve a God that never gets tired or weary and can give me His great strength!  I'm definitely depending on it through the really great days, as well as the sad moments!  God has blessed us with way more "ups" than "downs," and I really am so thankful!

Things I've Learned Lately . . . September 6, 2011

After all the excitement of Aleeya accepting Jesus into her life last weekend, it felt like we were under attack this past week.  It seems when good is present, evil is right there as well trying to win the battle.  I kinda knew it would happen, but wasn't expecting it in the way it came.  Aleeya had a great week, but a couple of our other kids struggled with stuff this week.  So thankful we have a God who keeps loving and forgiving and helping us through our "stuff."

One thing I've really found lately is that "I'm tired!"  I guess there is an underlying stress with all that we are doing - you know - adopting, getting used to having another child, trying to be great parents to all four of them.  There's tons of excitement with it all, yet much exhaustion as well.  When there's a new family member, everyone is trying to be extra kind and figure out how to work through stuff.  The things that you would normally say to your child sound a little rough around the edges when you say them to or in front of a child that doesn't know you very well.  So, everything is guarded, and in some ways, this actually makes us better parents / better people.  I feel like we've been more loving, kinder in our words, and more understanding.  We've really learned to think before we speak and ask God to guide our words and attitudes.  And when we need to correct, we do it with kinder words and faces (most of the time).  As well, I try to be sure everything is done by the time they arrive home from school each day so I can really "be there" and be ready to help with homework or whatever comes up; and believe me, I stay busy for most of the evening!  One other thing is that we really work hard to have as much "family time" as possible and get our family quiet time with God in every night.  It seems more important now than ever!  These are some of the things that add to our life and make me feel a little more "tired."  So much like having a new baby all over again :).

But by the end of this week, I was ready to blow!  We've been planning to paint the girls room since Aleeya came, but had to find a good weekend to do it.  When we first met her and she said her favorite color was blue, I quickly realized that our beautiful pink room wasn't going to work out.  And since Ashley's new favorite color was green, it seemed like a good idea to change their room to blue and green.  Since this weekend had an extra day in it due to Labor Day, we decided to take on the extra project.  I've found that I have to be really geared up for the weekends since Scott is gone most of the time at work and I have the kids by myself.  Well, adding a major painting project to the deal didn't help my need for extra patience and extra love.  And on top of it all, I wanted it to be "fun!"  So, I let the kids paint with me . . . some.  They all got a chance to help with the first coat, and then I finished up the second.  All this meant that their toys and furniture were in the hallway and the game room (which is right outside of our room), and I don't do well with things being disorganized.  And then on Monday, when all I really wanted to do was have a jammie day and hang out, we needed to get the room back to normal and get things finished up.  By mid-Monday, I could feel the tensions rising in me.  The kids were leaving lots of things around the house, and I just wanted everything to be picked up.  After feeling like I was about to burst out into tears about five different times, I finally went into my room to lay down on my bed with our dog (he has a calming effect on me).  At that point, I was talking to God and saying I didn't know what to do with all of my frustration.  He then gently reminded me that I was supposed to bring them to Him and He would help.  I rested for a short while, and awoke with a fresh sense of purpose and ability, knowing that God would continue to be my strength.  I'm needing to lean on Him more and more - gotta remember that!!

Oh yeah, wanted to let you all know that we officially hit the 6 week mark.  This is the point where our social worker said that we should see some things surface - behaviors, grief, anger - things like that.  While we know it's still possible up until like 3 months, so far what we have are some more precious notes to tell us she loved us on Friday after school and her exclaiming that "I love my family" on a ride home this Sunday evening (our six week anniversary).  So, for now, we're going to praise God for all the good and enjoy the moment!!!!

I've also learned that we will have different expectations for her for school.  With our other three kids who have been trained early on about how to do homework, how to study, and how to learn, we have pretty high expectations of how they should do in school.  We are still learning what Aleeya's abilities are and finding that she is very bright and willing to learn . . . something I am so thankful for and really wanted in our child.  It's amazing watching her learn and desire to learn, but my expectations for her are what she can do!  I have a pretty big perfectionistic side of me, so I'm amazed to see how God is giving me grace and understanding in all of this.  But I really just want to see her learn and enjoy school and do HER best.  It's a really neat experience and we are so proud of her already!

One of the major things I've learned this week is "what people want to hear."  While I have a couple of close friends that understand and really are willing to hear how life is really going, most just want to hear that everything is going great!!  When they ask how she's doing or how our family is doing, they just want to hear - "AWESOME!"  And I kinda get it, we prayed really hard for this and really wanted her to come to our home quickly, and they are so happy for us.  And I guess they think she's been through a lot, so we should all just be happy and accept anything not going just the way we hoped.  But I gotta say, that life is not always great, awesome, and perfect.  And it's ok.  I'm learning to have boundaries on what I say and that most people can't bear to hear that it's been a rough day or week (even if it's not awful, just trying or something).  And believe me, we have had it really good compared to many I'm sure!!!  But there are still things that we are working through with Aleeya, as well as our other three children each day and there always will be!  I've always been really open and honest about how life is going in our family, and like to put things out there for people to help or just to say things out loud so I can work through it.  I'm finding that this is not always appropriate and I need to keep more stuff to myself.  For now, I think my normal response will be - "Things are going really well, thanks!  There are some adjustments, but we are blessed."  It is true, and God will give me the wisdom to work through the adjustments as they come.  I'm thankful for that handful of friends/advisors He has put around me, and so appreciate their understanding and care.  God knows what we need and I'll keep learning!

More thoughts about Jesus . . . August 30, 2011

Well, we are still celebrating Aleeya's birth into God's family, her adoption as God's child.  We are thanking God, talking about it in our home, and truly amazed!

I keep reviewing all that we talked about Sunday night as we sat on the bed together.  One of the things that keeps popping into my head is that during our conversation about who Jesus was, and how she could know for sure that she would go to heaven to be with Him when she died, she asked me a question.  She asked what would happen if Scott and I died, what would happen for her.  I told her that we had made plans for my sister to take care of all the kids and that we had life insurance to take care of them.  Then she asked what would happen if they died too?  I told her that it is highly unlikely that we would both die, but I realized that she needed to be sure she had a back-up plan.  With the loss that she has been through, she wanted to be sure there was someone to take care of her.

That's where Jesus becomes this amazing and wonderful Savior for her, and for all of us.  Yet I wonder if we really get how awesome He is for our lives, our secure, somewhat easy lives!  I think she does!  The idea of a heavenly Father who loves her so much, even with all her sin, and would send His Son to the earth to die and take the penalty of her sin so He could spend eternity with her in heaven is truly incredible!  I hope I get it as much as she does!

Yesterday afternoon, there were two things that happened that confirmed that she was really understanding who Jesus was and how much He loves her.

One was a phone call I had with a friend.  She heard about Aleeya accepting Jesus into her life and was reminded of a conversation that she and the girls had the other day.  They were riding in her van and heard the song that has a line in it that says - "I am Judas' kiss."  Aleeya asked what that meant, and they talked about it.  Basically, we have all been like Judas and betrayed Jesus with our sin and choices.  Because of that sin, Jesus had to die on a cross so we could be made right with God.  It was really cool to know that she was asking questions, not only to me, but to others.

The other was something she wrote in her journal.  I didn't even know she was writing in it, but she mentioned at dinner that she had written some thoughts about Jesus.  I asked if I could read it, and she said yes.  After reading it, I thought how amazing that she is really understanding and excited about Him!  Here's what it said:

"My thoughts about Jesus"
Jesus died on the cross for everybody who is alive right now on this earth.  Jesus loves everybody more than your parents love and he will always love!  I love (made with a heart) JESSUS (spelled just like that   )!

I love that she's already experiencing Him and writing about Him.  Yesterday was filled with a new ease in the house, a new sense of security.  It was good!  Last night as she was going to bed, she said "Mom."  I answered, "yes," and she said, "I love calling you mom."  I'm always taken back by these moments and filled with awe.  Love that she can call me mom so quickly and love that she can call Him "Father" so quickly.  I am overwhelmed by our GREAT GOD!

And, oh yeah, I literally saw at least 17 dragonflies yesterday (I started counting after the first 9 or 10) on my short travels around town in the van - it was crazy!  Kinda felt like there was a celebration going on or something!!!  I know there was in heaven!

A Child of God!!! . . . August 28, 2011

So, I'm not going to be able to wait until the end of this blog to let you know that - Aleeya accepted Jesus as her Savior tonight!!!!  It was wonderful and incredible and amazing, and all in God's perfect plan!

From the moment we knew we were going to adopt, we have been praying for our girl to come to know Jesus.  As we have prayed for Austin, Alec, and Ashley to accept Jesus as their Savior, we began the same with our new child!  Once I met her in June, the prayers began to become much more intense as I could now see her face and care for her even more deeply.

Since she has been in our home, she has been introduced to Christian music, a church where people love Jesus, a Christian school that teaches about Jesus daily, and a time where we read the Bible together as a family every night.  I remember those first couple of weeks as she began reading a children's Bible.  I could see that she seemed so interested.  I would pray as she read that God would open her eyes to the things of Him.

We have had quite a few talks about God and Jesus, and she has been very open and asked lots of questions.  Just last week, she began praying before a couple of meals in our home and I was pretty shocked.  When we first met her and went out to eat together, I remember her having a very unsure look on her face as we began to pray together before our meal and I wondered if she had ever prayed before.  Over vacation, I realized that the Royal Family Kids Camp had introduced her to some great Christian songs that spoke volumes on who God is, and I wondered if she had a relationship with Jesus.

There have been many times that I have wanted to sit down and find out if she wanted to accept Jesus, but I was concerned that she would do it more to make me happy and because she wanted to please us.  I very much wanted to be sure this was her decision and not something she had to do to be a "part of the Butler family."  I was thankful for the times when it came up naturally, but didn't want to push the decision on her.  I desperately wanted her to go to heaven when she died and to become a true child of God, but wanted to be sure it was God leading her.

Over the past month, we have been attending Club 56 (a special church service for kids in 5th and 6th grade) with Aleeya each week at church.  Their pastor does an incredible job teaching the kids about Jesus in a fun environment with sound effects, videos, and great passion.  I asked him recently if he would be sharing about salvation soon, and he told me that he would be doing that this weekend.  I began praying earnestly that God would use his message in her life.  At the end of the service, there was a really great video showing many of the works of Jesus, as well as his death and resurrection.  I asked her what she thought of it, and she said she could watch it all day, that she loved it!  I wondered if she had responded to his invitation to pray with him to receive Jesus, and he said she had not.  Part of me was glad because I really wanted to explain it all and be a part of this decision in her life, and part of me wondered if she had already accepted Jesus into her heart and life.  I had seen such love and kindness already displayed in her life and thought she may already know Jesus personally.  Throughout the day, God continued to work in my life and let me know that He wanted me to talk with her more about this important, life-changing decision.

So, tonight was the night!  I invited her into my room, and we sat on the bed.  I told her that I wanted to see what she thought about what was shared in Club 56 this morning and be sure she understood everything.  I asked her if she knew for sure that she would go to heaven when she died and she said "no."  I told her that the Bible tells us how to be sure, and I wanted to tell her about it.  She seemed happy to listen and have this time with me.  I explained about how in the Old Testament, the priests used to sacrifice a lamb to cover the sins of the people and the blood of the lamb would cover their sin for awhile.  But God decided that there needed to be a payment made once and for all for the sins of the people.  We talked about how we have all sinned and that sin makes it impossible to be worthy of being with God, because He is holy and perfect.  I told her that Jesus came to earth and lived a perfect life and died on the cross to be the perfect "Lamb of God" and die for our sins.  His blood covered our sins and now He offers us this "gift" of eternal life when we believe in Him.  I told her that the greatest part about Jesus is that He rose again three days later (unlike all the other gods that people worship), and He is alive today.  We talked about how He created her and loves her so much, and how He longs to have her as part of His family, to be her heavenly Father that will never fail her (I reminded her that we will fail her at times because we aren't perfect, but He is)!  I told her that this was a decision that only she could make.  She had some great questions and we continued to talk for awhile.  I asked her if she had ever prayed to accept Jesus.  She said that she sometimes would pray after our family quiet time to ask God to forgive her of her sins.  I asked if she had ever asked Him to be her Savior and she said "no."  We talked about how Jesus has this "gift" for her, but it wouldn't be hers unless she decided to take it for herself.  When I asked if she wanted to pray and ask Jesus into her life, she said "yes."  She then prayed and asked Jesus to forgive her of her sins, and told Him that she believed that He died for her sins and rose again three days later, and she asked Him to be her Savior and help her live for Him.  When we finished, she had the biggest, sweetest smile and a great sparkle in her eye.

It was about time for our family quiet time, and I asked her if she wanted to tell everyone.  She quietly said, "no, I want to keep it to myself for now."  I told her that was fine, but let her know that our family would be really excited about this.  Then she said, "maybe we could tell them together."  The smile and gleam on her face as we sat together to read was awesome!  When we went to pray together, I mentioned that we had some exciting news.  When I told everyone, they all said "yay" and Scott and Ashley gave her hugs.  It was AWESOME!  Before she went to bed, she thanked me for telling her about Jesus.  It was so great to know that our whole family has accepted Him into their lives and will someday be in heaven together!!!  This adoption by God into His family is by far the most important one ever and we are so happy for all He is doing in her life and in ours!!!!  Now there is a new name written in the lambs book of life and a celebration going on in heaven!

One other note - she still is a little shy about sharing things with others at times, so please let her tell you about this on her own when she is ready.  Thanks so much!

Emotions and Loving . . . August 28, 2011

Over the past month, I have blogged much about the daily happenings of our life with our sweet Aleeya.  A week ago or so, I told Scott that I hoped that I would be able to stop typing about each detail of each day and get on with other topics.  But for a time, that is exactly what I had to do for some reason!  Well, I think this is the week for getting past the details.  Things are moving along really well and Aleeya is more and more becoming a part of our family, moment by moment.

A few really cool details from this week are a couple of things she said out loud to me during our day-to-day life.  She said, "I'm really thankful to have such a great mom and dad!"  And I responded, "And we're really thankful to have such a sweet girl like you."  As well, she mentioned how great it is to be a part of a "happy family."  On Friday of this week, Scott and I met the kids after school (his day off - yay!), and she gave us both red envelopes that said "I love you Mom" and "I love you Daddy" on the outside.  Inside were the same sayings with some fun pictures.  I loved that mine had a sunshine with sunglasses on - very cute!!!  It's nice that she's starting to verbalize her love and thankfulness more and we can see it on her face more and more with each passing week.  So thankful to God!

This week, I've had a little more "alone" time while the kids are at school.  I have felt much more tired and think that life is beginning to catch up with me.  Aleeya even asked me one night if I was "ok?"  I was sad that she noticed, but told her that I was just really tired.  Thankfully, she seemed very understanding.  As I'm sure most school parents are feeling these days, I am trying to figure out our "new routine" and keep things as up-to-date as possible, and it's seeming a little more difficult with four kids now.  More food, more laundry, more homework, and all good - just more!

I have realized that this is my first time having all the kids in school and knowing that I would not be starting a "job" outside of the home very soon.  Since Ashley has been in kindergarten, I have been working, either at the adoption agency, cleaning, or as a nanny.  And for some reason, my not working right now is making me feel somewhat guilty.  I'm not sure if it's put there by the fact that most of my friends work, or at least are home schooling their kids, or what - but it's there.  Sometimes I feel it by others who seem to imply that I don't have much to do during the day.  Yet I know that my days are completely full at the moment, still trying to help settle our sweet girl in our home and trying to get everything possible done during the day so that I am able to really "be" with the kids when they get home from school.  They all need tons of stability right now, and I know how huge it is that I am able to look at each paper, see how their day went, work through homework together, and have a nice dinner together around the table.  So, I'm trying to accept that this is what God has called me to for now and not feel guilty for being a full-time "wife" and "mom."  I've always believed that those were the most important titles given to me by God, yet at times, this world seems to try to steel their significance from me.

There have been some other feelings or emotions running through me over these last few weeks, but I have had a hard time putting a finger on what was going on inside of me.  I knew that Scott and I desperately needed a day off together, and although I had a huge "honey do list," decided to not think about it and just enjoy a day with him this Friday.  We went to go see a movie called "The Help," which tells the story of how black women used to take care of prominent white women, their homes, and their children in America in the 1960's.  These women were treated awful, yet somehow they chose to love these little white children that they would often end up raising.  The main character continually tells a sweet little chubby toddler to repeat:  "You is kind.  You is smart.  You is important."  This black woman had no real reason to love this little white girl, especially with the way the toddler's mom was treating her or with the way the world was treating her like she was so unimportant, yet she choose to love this little girl and build into her life.  I watched with amazement.

As we left the movie, I began to talk openly with Scott about how I wanted to be like that lady and fully love this wonderful child God has brought into our family.  I want her to know that "she is kind, she is smart, she is important!"  I told him about how guilty I've been feeling lately.  I have been wondering if I am loving Aleeya enough?  There are so many times that I wonder if I love her as much as our other three children, and this brings huge feelings of guilt and sadness to me.  I began to cry as we talked.  Then I see how Austin, Alec, and Ashley are all adjusting to all of this and wonder if they are really ok?  I begin to worry that as I'm trying to spend special time with Aleeya and give her long hugs, are my other three feeling special enough?  I've been seeing little signs of adjusting with each of them, and overall, I'd say they are doing really well, yet as a mom, it's hard to watch.  They have all had major security and love their whole life and are so blessed.  Aleeya is in need of some special affection and care right now, much like bringing home a new baby, ours just happens to be 11.  So, we are all adjusting little by little.  Scott was so good and reminded me that we've spent anywhere from 8-14 years with Austin, Alec, and Ashley, and have only known Aleeya for 2 months.  Just like with all of our kids, the love grows and grows.  She is definitely loved, and that love will only grow with time.  I then realized that she probably isn't loving me in the same way that she has loved her birth mom, and that will take time to grow as well and that's ok.  Scott also encouraged me that each time I sense that one of the kids is needing some extra love, that it is a reminder to try to find that special time to spend with them and to talk about how they are feeling and reassure them of our love.  It felt so good to "get it out!"  The funny thing is that these are the things that Scott was concerned about back when we first were talking about adoption, and I was already past it and thought it would all be fine.  Turns out, these emotions are real and they do come!  Sometimes just being able to talk it out really helps the issue.  We both look forward to the time when we have been together for 6 months or a year.  For now, I'm just asking God to fill me with His love so I have plenty to share with all our kids!

One other note that I have to share is that my husband has been just amazing!!!  He has been the best husband and dad that I could imagine.  When he walks in the door, he just brings a calmness and peace over the home.  He loves on and jokes with and cares for Aleeya so much, and it is incredible!  As well, he continues to care for each of the kids in his own special way.  He looks for ways to help me out and has just overwhelmed me as I've seen God's love, grace, and patience flow through Him.  So thankful to be his wife and see how God continues to grow us together as a couple, hopefully one that reflects God in some way.  I have always thought that each new baby really brings us together in such a unique way and grows our love, and so thankful that it is happening again!