One Month Later . . . November 4, 2012

It's hard to believe it's been a month already!  Here are some things we've learned . . .

*It is an amazing feeling knowing you are really family!

*We are so glad God's given her to us!

*You should definitely celebrate Adoption Day (PARTY!) with all of those people that have walked through the journey with you!  And put up a ton of pictures that you haven't been able to share all year! Aleeya loved seeing them all and was able to reminisce . . and we did too (great memories and reminders of our time together)!  Plus, she didn't have a ton of picture of her life so far, so this was our start to her many photo albums we will be putting together!

*We are passionate about adoption, and are thrilled to be seeing others pray about it and start the process.  As Christians, we have homes filled with God's love that can point these kids to Jesus, and we can do this!  These children aren't someone else's problem, they are ours to care for and we all can play a role in this - prayer, financial support, prayer, encouragement, prayer, love, prayer, understanding, prayer :)!  The church is rising up and it is an awesome thing to see!

*So thankful for my adoption into God's family.  He's blessed me with an amazing inheritance!

*Aleeya's sister and brothers are very happy she's a Butler, and I love how they have accepted her into our family from day one!  Now, it's even better!

*Ashley and Aleeya have gotten even closer over these last few months, and Ashley is just who God had in mind for Aleeya and vice versa :).  Aleeya needs Ashley's bubbly enjoyment of life, and Ashley loves having a big sister and someone to share life with!

*The finalization did not make everything perfect and peaceful.

*Aleeya may always miss her birth family and long for them, and that's ok.

*This does not mean she doesn't love us.

*My job is to listen, love, remind her of truth, remind her of God's love and plan for her life!

*I need to learn more about grieving and how to help.  Her faith in God will be our cornerstone for getting her through the difficult times.

*I need to understand that children grieve differently and it usually continues through each milestone in their life.

*It's hard to teach my child how to pray with faith and hope for God to do great things in her birth family's life, and yet know that they may not choose to change.

*I will keep praying for her birth family to accept Jesus as their Savior and live for Him!  I believe that God can do this, but also know that they have a free will and He will not make them.  It would be incredible if someday we could see this come true and see God's redemption in all of this!

*I so desire to see Aleeya live in the joy of today and where God has her, and not in her past.

*We will still experience lots of ups and downs - did this month for sure!

*Really enjoy the days that she is doing well, and enjoy each smile!

*Hug her more!

*She is a very kind girl that wants to please us on the outside, but struggles on the inside sometimes.

*We will need to talk about God's values and how they affect our life, and then talk some more, and then probably some more!

*She did not grow up with the values we have trained our other children with since birth, so she may not take these values as her own as easily, and that makes sense!

*I need to pray and fast for my girl and keep pointing her to God!

*She has a profound faith in God, and lots of questions about Him (about things we take for granted and about things that are really deep - i.e. the Trinity, if God knows what is going to happen why does He allow it, when bad things happen is God punishing us, etc.)

*I struggle to see her when she's down, but it's getting easier to accept (instead of letting it rule my thoughts and emotions).

*As a mom of a 12 year old girl (which is new to me), I need to remind her of what real beauty is - it is so hard to see and find in our world.

     “Don’t be concerned about the outer beauty that depends on jewelry, or beautiful clothes, or hair arrangement.  Be beautiful inside, in your hearts, with the lasting charm of a gently and quiet spirit which is so precious to God.” I Peter 3:3-4 

*God reminded that none of my kids are mine - they are all His!

*My job is to love them, train them, teach them, point them to Christ continuously, provide consequences (sometimes natural ones) when they decide to take the wrong path, and be an example in front of them of what it is to walk with Jesus.  And we both need His grace and forgiveness daily.

*That job is often a hard job!  I need Jesus more than ever!

*God loves them incredibly more than I ever could!

*My love is not enough; I've been begging God for His love to flow through me!

*The most important thing I learned this month ~
I was very clearly reminded by God to not just pray that I can know how to help her, but to with faith, strongly believe that God has an amazing plan for her life, and He who began a good work will complete it!  So, I will pray to that end and believe for her!

     “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans 

     to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11

I'm thankful that God keeps teaching me that I desperately need to rely on Him daily and praise Him for all He does!  He is a truly faithful God, and I can do all things through Him who gives me strength!  I praise you God, for You do all things well!

ADOPTION DAY - We are Family!!! . . . October 4, 2012

The day had finally arrived!  She came to live with us on July 24, 2011, and was officially ours (a Butler) on October 4, 2012 - a little over 14 months!  We had been through amazing, wonderful events with her, as well as some tough times, and we had grown through each of them . . . grown in understanding, grown in love, and grown in our trust in God!  The most amazing memory so far . . definitely her getting saved and baptized!  We now knew we would be her forever family here on earth and would get to spend eternity with her in heaven!  As well, still pretty amazed that she wanted to call us "mom and dad" so quickly, wanted to have an "A" name and be a part of the family in that way, and adapted to our lifestyle so well.  All in all, these past 14 months were pretty amazing!

Well, I had found our outfits (which was an incredible feat in itself - kinda like getting ready for the Christmas picture but in between seasons) the week prior, ironed everything the night before, and we went to sleep with much peace.  There seemed to be a calm over our entire house, as if so many people were praying and God said, "Peace, be still."  Scott and I awoke early to have our quiet times and get ready in plenty of time.  I was glad that I remembered it was his birthday and greeted him with "Happy Birthday" first thing :)!  Time did seem to slip by rather quickly as I wanted to be sure to have time to curl Aleeya's hair and make sure everyone else was ready.  But we made it out the door at a decent time, and off to the court house we went!

We arrived at about 8am (the time we had told our friends to meet us there) and made a quick trip to the restroom.  As we walked up the stairs, we were met by one of our dearest friends and walked down the long hallway to the turn where we would find our court room.  We stood out in the hallway and greeted everyone - wow, it felt so good to be there with so many precious friends!!!  Each of them held such a special place in our hearts!  They opened the door, and in we went.

Our family went up to the hearing table (I guess that's what you call it) through a little opening and sat down.  There weren't quite enough chairs at that table, so the boys grabbed some other chairs and brought them to sit right behind us.  Aleeya sat between Scott and I, and Ashley sat on the other side of Scott.  We had some wonderful friends taking photos and video throughout so we could remember this day forever!  I've been told that the judges really enjoy doing these finalizations, and we had a great judge!  The way she spoke was as if she knew our family well.  She said everyone's name correctly (Aleeya had been worried they would say her old name that day, but I assured her they wouldn't - I really wasn't positive, but couldn't imagine it!).  The judge noticed that the sisters had the same color shirts, and talked about how exciting this day was.  She talked about the fact that as of today, Aleeya would have every right that our other three children had in our family, and would be an heir to our inheritance.  She then asked Scott and I if we were ready to take on the responsibility of being Aleeya's parents, to which we said a resounding "YES!"  Then she asked Aleeya if she was ready to be adopted and become a part of our family, and she said "YES" too (to which I found myself taking a deep breath and feeling relief)!  Then she said, "She is officially yours, Aleeya Joy Butler!"  I immediately hugged her and then Scott gave her his big bear hug and everyone clapped.  Aleeya had asked me if I thought I would cry earlier that week, and I told her I wasn't sure.  I had come to tears so many times as I thought about the day, but it's always hard to know what you'll really feel when it's happening.  And what I felt was pure happiness and joy!  While my eyes teared up a little at times and I later saw others very much tearing up as I watched the video, I mainly felt an unending smile that day!  After the clapping stopped, there is a fun ritual that adoptive families get to do.  The judge had us all come up to her seat and said that each one of us could hit the gavel.  I guess it's our way of making it official too!  Aleeya went first, then Ashley very excitedly got it the chair and hit it hard!!!  So hard in fact, that one of the judge's picture frames on her desk fell over.  I winced, but thankfully nothing was broken.  The rest of us weren't sure if we should do it too I guess, so Scott said, "Well, I'll do it!"  Then the rest of us followed suit and enjoyed the moment!  We got a few pictures with the CA seal above us and then came down.
It was so wonderful, and a rather quick hearing!

When we came back and faced all of our dear friends, Scott asked a close friend who is our High School pastor at our church, and who also adopted a little girl this year, to lead us in prayer.  While I'm not sure if anyone got a picture or recording of that time, I will always remember it!  Later, we were told by others that they had never seen that before, but we couldn't imagine leaving that room without thanking God!!!  I wondered if it was "ok" to do that in a court room, but figured we were good since no one stopped us :)!

We headed out into the hall, got some congratulation hugs and thanked people for coming, and were taken to the office where they give you the adoption papers!  These show that she is legally ours!  Then we walked out of the court house feeling free as a bird!  Our amazing social worker was with us during the process and gave us hugs goodbye.  He told us we could start the process again in 6 months!  We were still getting through this birth, but it was fun to hear anyhow - love his faith in us!  We took lots of "FAMILY" pictures to remember this day and talked with some friends for awhile.  Everything just felt so great!

Before we left, Aleeya spent a few minutes in our van by herself reading "her story."  Our friend who took the video (and did an unbelievable job) had talked to us about some ideas to make this really special.  He was considering doing it in a documentary style and coming to our house early that morning and following us to the court house.  I wasn't sure about that since I'm not much of a morning person and didn't know how it would all work, but I had been thinking about a story that Aleeya had typed on the computer a few weeks before.  I asked if he thought it would be cool to have Scott read it and use it in the video in a story type format.  He suggested that Aleeya read it, which I thought was a great idea!  But, I didn't know how she'd feel about sharing "her story"or having to read it.  I asked her the night before and she wanted to think about it.  I had read it and realized a couple of small things (like where she was born) were missing, so I added them and printed it out just in case.  On the way there, she said she would do it.  So, the video became that much more special!  It all came together perfectly and is something we will cherish forever!

We left the courthouse and went to a nice breakfast with some or our "adopted family."  Since we don't have any family living near us, these families have become that much more close!  They have walked through and prayed for our journey continuously, and have probably heard more than they wanted to hear about all the ups and downs!  But sometimes, you just need someone to listen so you can talk it through, and it was great to always have a listening ear and know you were being prayed for!  I have to say, if you're planning to adopt, know who those people are and keep them close!  They are truly needed, and I am so thankful for them!  At breakfast, Aleeya opened some cards and gifts and seemed really touched by them.  She got a really special card with pictures of her and her close friends doing things throughout the year, a sock monkey with a sweatshirt on it that said "Butler," a special necklace, a stuffed Mini-Mouse from my parents since they live in Florida, and we gave her two charms for her bracelet we had given her on "Gotcha Day."  One was a "b" since she was now officially a Butler, and one was a dragonfly since God had used this part of his creation to speak to us and remind us of His presence so often.  As well, we got her an engraved frame like the other three kids got soon after they were born (theirs said their birthday, weight, time born, etc.).  Her frame said, "Aleeya Joy Butler" at the top, and "October 4, 2012 ~ Forever Family" at the bottom. The card we gave her was also really special and told her that while she wasn't born in my tummy, she was in my heart and that we would always love her and be her forever family!  We could tell she was touched by it!  We felt really thankful for the two families that took all of this time to celebrate with us!  What a blessing!

Although it was a Thursday and the kids were supposed to be in school, there was no way that was happening!  We spent the rest of the day together celebrating!  Since it was Scott's birthday, we headed to the closest P.F. Chang's for lunch, which was also a special memory with Aleeya since that was the first place we took her to eat.  We walked around the mall, and of course, visited the Apple store.  It was really cool that day because I could actually feel a difference in the way Aleeya and I looked at each other!  It felt so different, so much better!  I wish I had the words to explain it . . it has still left me in awe.  Knowing that you belong, and knowing that a child is yours is truly priceless!  It brings security and peace.

After lunch, we headed back toward home and watched "Finding Nemo" in 3D.  It's one of our favorite movies, and we thought it would be fun.  What Scott and I didn't realize was how exhausted we would be . . emotionally and physically.  We were wiped!  I love to see movies, but was having a hard time keeping my eyes open.  It was fun though, and we were the only ones in the entire theater!

The rest of the day was full of getting ready for the party the next day and finishing up some homework :(.  It all worked out ok, but was hard to get back to any sort of reality!  I think we did end up watching a "Little House" episode, one of our favorite family traditions in the evening, and we made a cake for Scott and sang, "Happy Birthday!"

At the end of the day, our hearts were full and we felt truly blessed!  "We are Family!" was now a true statement, and one that we celebrated with great joy! Thank you Lord for your amazing goodness in bringing Aleeya to our family, in bringing us to this day, and in promising to go with us into the future!  "We have come so far, You have been so good."

Cold Feet and Grieving . . . October 3, 2012

On Saturday after Science Camp, we did our normal household chores and tried to get everything back in order from our week.  In our house, this means that the boys take care of the yard duties, dust, and clean their bathroom, and the girls do some light yard work, vacuum, dust their room, and clean their bathroom, while I take the kitchen and our bathroom.  As well, we try to conquer all the homework so that Sunday can be a true day of rest.  So . . . it's not a day that everyone gets super excited about, but we all live in the house and so, we take care of it together too!  But everyone does get to sleep in if at all possible, so they take advantage of that!

Aleeya seemed a little out of sorts that day, and she even mentioned it later that evening.  I had noticed she wasn't really wanting to listen as well as normal, and had the attitude that she could handle things on her own (a typical sixth grade attitude I've seen both boys work through as they want to begin acting like an adult but haven't quite gotten their yet).  I told her I thought it was pretty normal since she'd been gone for a week, been on her own for a week, and that she was allowed a day!  Tomorrow we would expect things to begin getting back to normal.  Sunday did seem like a better day, and while she was a little quiet, I figured she was still pretty tired.

On Monday, it really hit me that this was the week, and this Adoption was really getting finalized!  We had been waiting so long that it seemed it would never get here, and now that it was, it felt a little unbelievable!  I realized that I probably should take some special time to sit and talk with Aleeya about how she was handling it all, since I was feeling so many emotions and hadn't been with her for a week.  So, after school, we sat on my bed and talked.  I asked her to be completely real with me and let me know how she was feeling and what she was thinking.  Later, I thought maybe I should have put some limits on that (not really), but I should have been more prepared when I asked that question.  She had many thoughts; she had definitely been thinking!  She said she had been thinking about her dad and what it would be like to live with him.  She said that while she knew it could never happen, if she were to live with another family, would I still give her advice?  She wondered if her birth family knew about the finalization, and if they would be sad.  She also expressed feelings of how she knows quite a few other kids that are adopted, but hers seems so different because she's older.  Wow, I was not quite prepared for this!  And yet, it all made a lot of sense too.  My answers?  I reminded her that the courts did not feel her birth dad would be a suitable parent for her (this was the third family member that all of  a sudden seemed not so bad to her memory).  I told her that if she lived with another family, that I would still care for her and love her, but I would not give her advice as that would be her parent's role and it would be strange for me to step in and tell someone else's child what to do.  I told her that her birth parents did not know the timing of the finalization, but that they knew she would most likely get adopted when their rights were terminated.  I find that when she has questions and new feelings arrive, the best I can do is to lovingly re-present truth to her.  I also realized that she is still grieving the loss of her birth family, and since the first step is denial, we keep seeing that come up.  She remembers the good and forgets the tough stuff.  I encourage her to remember both, and keep praying for her family.  But mostly, I keep longing for her to not live in the past but the present, and to see how God loves her and has a great plan for her life!  I reminded her that it is good to be a part of a forever family and not stay in foster care, and that God was taking care of her in all of this, but that I could see how it's harder when you're older since you understand more and have lived longer with your birth family.  After we talked, we prayed and then I had to try to keep going while processing all that she had said.  That night as Scott and I lay in bed and I told him what we had talked about, he was a little in shock as well.

On Tuesday night, I planned a special family dinner as I realized it was our last night together before Thursday!  Wednesday's are always a really busy day with Scott being gone all day and having choir practice until later, and everyone else having their special groups at church, while I teach a "parenting class" in our home (sometimes this makes me laugh that I teach a class while I am learning so much, but it's for babies, so I guess it's all good and I love it)!  Anyhow, we tried to get homework done early and ate one of our favorite meals in the dining room.  I even picked up a package of 4 yellow roses to put in the middle of the table, and I pretty much never do that!  I was going to talk about how each of the roses symbolized a member of her birth family and how we would never forget them and how thankful we were for them since they had given Aleeya life and been part of her life, but it all seemed much to fresh at the time.  We did ask everyone if they had any questions about Adoption Day on Thursday and if they knew what the day would be like.  Thankfully, the other three had been to a finalization once and remembered it so they weren't too concerned.  I ran through the day a little so everyone could feel a little more prepared, including me.  Once again, we got a zinger from Aleeya when she asked, "I know this would never happen, but are you allowed to say no when they ask if you want to adopt me?"  I said "no way, it's a done deal and we would never say that anyhow!"  But as I answered, I wondered if she was asking for her or for us.  While I didn't show it, my heart was hurting, and some definite fear set in.  Scott and I talked again that night, and I made a couple of phone calls to a few people the next day to ask for prayer and get advice.  One thing I asked was if the judge would ask Aleeya if she wanted to be adopted since she was 12.  My agency said they would.  At this, I thought, "What if she were to say no?"  Wow, that would be so hard!  They encouraged me by reminding me that she probably has a bit of "cold feet," since this is such a big deal for her life.  She's realizing that she really is moving on, taking a new name, and it is all official while still grieving the loss of her birth family.  This was tough stuff!  I was also reminded of the many times she had said she wanted to be adopted, and how I knew she loved us.  This was just really hard, especially since she is older.  Then I remembered that my God is "steadfast," faithful in hard times.  He had just told me, but how quickly I let fear take over! 

After school on Wednesday, I normally have a car full on my way home, my kids and a couple of friends we take home.  Well, somehow it was just Aleeya and one of our friends that day!  So, we had some more time to talk and really see how things were going.  When I asked her how she was feeling, she said really excited and not as sad.  I asked about her wondering if we could say no tomorrow, and if that question was just for us or was she wondering for her too?  She said it was kinda for both.  Then she said that she knew that it was a good thing to have a forever family that would be there no matter what.  She was also pretty excited about all our close friends that would be there at the finalization and those that would come to the adoption party on Friday!  I thought how glad I was they would be there tomorrow morning because I needed their support once again!  I told her that we loved her so much and were really happy to be that forever family!!  I told her I knew God had sent her to us and we would love her no matter what!  In some ways, this felt like a marriage . . a commitment that needed to be spoken out loud!   I was so thankful she was doing better and felt the many prayers that had been offered for us!

God had brought peace in the midst of our struggles, and I was so thankful.  Once again, excitement was building for the next day . . . Adoption Day!

Science Camp, Hume Lake, & Time Away . . September 30, 2012

A week after Nana and Pop Pop left, we found ourselves getting very busy!  Aleeya was super excited to be going to Science Camp for a week, and Scott and I were headed to a staff retreat at Hume Lake for three days, while getting the other three kids to friends' homes while we were away.  All of a sudden, everything seemed to be happening very quickly and finalization was only a week and a half away!

Scott had originally planned to go with Aleeya to Science camp, as he had gone with both boys when they were in sixth grade.  While he would not go as her counselor, he would go to help out and just be there for her!  But, when we learned that our church staff would be headed to a staff retreat that same week, we knew we needed to be there instead.  These staff retreats are very special and truly nourish our souls, and we were so looking forward to the time away with the others that we serve with at our church.  Aleeya was sad to learn that he wouldn't be coming, but still very excited to go!

We had a few ups and downs getting things together and making sure it would all work out, and then it happened!  Early Monday morning, I took her to school to board a bus and be gone for a whole week.  I hadn't really realized that this was our first time really being away from her, and while I knew she'd have a blast, it felt strange to have her away from us.  Often, I have talked about this experience like it is giving birth, and there are times when I feel like she is my newborn.  And leaving a newborn, or a year old baby for a week is not an easy thing for me.  I knew she was in God's hands and prayed for her so often throughout the week.  I prayed for her protection, for her to have fun, and for her to make good choices during her time there.

Scott and I left a couple of hours later to head up to our staff retreat at a truly beautiful place called Hume Lake.  We had only visited there once previously for a day, and knew this would be a wonderful, relaxing place.  While there, our speaker gave us time to "be alone" with God - to have no agenda, no special reading plan, just to be alone with God and listen.  This was similar to the day we had at a retreat prior to making our decision to meet Aleeya, and I was so in need of it again.  The year had been so full, and my heart so joyous at times and so heavy at other times, and I needed some time with my Father.  Right before we were given this time to go be alone with Jesus, the speaker's wife shared about visiting a vineyard and how they were able to learn what was done to the grapes as they were growing on the vine.  She talked about how they would prune away grapes, and that these grapes weren't even bad grapes - they were good!  She wondered why, and they explained that it made the grapes that remained so much better when they did this!  She asked us, "What is God asking you to let go of?"  She encouraged us to open our hands wide and let Him have it.  When she said this, God spoke so clearly to me of what those things were, and I was so glad to let them go!  It was very freeing, and I was so thankful for the encouragement and reminder!

Now, I have to tell you how wonderful my God is, because in the month prior, God had really spoken clearly to me during a worship service we had called our 5:19 Gathering (based on Ephesians 5:19).  One of our pastors had shared some Scripture and then just let things be very quiet for a few minutes for us to hear from God.  And God spoke.  He told me, in a really wonderful personal way, "I love you" (and while I know He loves the world, He said He loved me)!  He also told me "He would give me rest."  Rest sounded so good - rest for my soul, rest for my body.  Oh, the depth of His love for me!  I knew it was my loving Lord speaking to me . . it was so clear . . so perfect . . so like Him!  I felt blessed beyond words!

So, I was really longing for this quiet time with Him on this particular day.  I was in a beautiful setting, in the woods near a lake with the backdrop of mountains and tall redwood trees all around me.  As I began to follow the trail, there were a couple of benches.  I felt so tired, so I sat down and just watched nature happening around me.  The blue birds were happy to keep me company, and then I just felt this huge urge to lie down on the bench.  As I did, it felt strange, but then He just kinda reminded me - "you are so tired!"  My body, soul, and spirit - they were tired.  The ups and downs of life, of adoption, or waiting had taken a tole and I needed rest, His perfect sweet rest.

After a little while, I sat back up and just looked around.  Things were beautiful, but He didn't seem to be speaking right then.  So, I decided to walk further and find another spot.  I eventually came to a place closer to the water's edge.  I love the water.  There was a huge tree that had fallen there, and I was thankful to have the log as a place to sit.  I realized as I was resting there, that this was once a huge beautiful tree, standing so tall and so fulfilling its purpose, but now it had a new purpose.  God had allowed it to fall at just this spot for a reason, and I was enjoying it.  I wondered if that's what He had been doing in my life.  I had felt so strong and useful most of my life, but this last while, He seemed to be re-making my life, using it for other purposes.  I wondered if the tree was happy to have its new purpose, and wondered if I too could enjoy what God was doing in my life.  As well, I began to watch the water rhythmically coming onto the shore.  It was so perfect and so steady.  God spoke just one word, but said it so clearly . . "Steadfast."  I knew once again that it was His voice, but really wasn't sure what it meant.  I took a stick and wrote it in the wet sand, wondering if I had even spelled it correctly.  I tried to think about the meaning, and guessed it meant something about His faithfulness.  I spent some time praying, thanking God for speaking, and knowing He was doing a work in my soul.  Then I headed back to join everyone for lunch.

We had a completely wonderful time there!  Great food (to me, food is always great when someone else is preparing it, bringing it out to me, and cleaning up too - loved it!), nice accommodations, a lovely walk around the entire lake talking with my husband about what God had said to me and just enjoying this special time together, a wonderful bonfire later with the staff sharing about the day, times of communion remembering our Lord's death for us, and just great time away catching up with those we serve alongside.  These are wonderful people that I struggle to stay in touch with because of our different ministries and schedules, but so long to!  Something about getting away is truly good - maybe that's why Jesus withdrew to lonely places to be with His Father!

Well, we headed back down on Wednesday, and I felt sad leaving that mountain.  God's hand is truly in His creation, and we felt just a little closer to Him there!  But I also missed the kids and knew we needed to get home, and was thankful to return home with a full heart.  We had been encouraged to live a more unhurried life, a life more intently listening to our Lord.  And while I had so much to do to prepare for the following week with Adoption Day, Scott's birthday, and our Adoption Party, I had a inner peace and quietness knowing He'd be with me.

We got home on Wednesday afternoon, got three of our kids home, and unpacked and did the laundry routine.  On Thursday night, Austin was studying for a vocab quiz and had a ton of words on index cards that he wanted me to quiz him on.  He needed to know synonyms, antonyms, and definitions.  The most amazing thing happened as I quizzed him!  One of his words was "fortitude."  Now that may not seem like much of an exciting thing, but it's synonym was the word "steadfast."  I learned that it's meaning was "to be faithful in difficulty."  I was blown away!  My God had spoked the perfect word to me, and I was overwhelmed inside!  It truly couldn't have been any clearer and more sweetly said!  Thank you Lord!

And then we had to wait until Friday afternoon to get Aleeya.  I realized that it was probably a really good thing that this week was so full, because it seemed so strange to have her gone and would have been hard if we were home that whole week.  On Friday, we went to the school to pick her up, and as we drove in the parking lot, the scene was great!  She did a little hop with a smile on her face and her hand waving, and I felt the tears coming on!  I thought - "there's my girl; I really love her and I really missed her!"  It was a good feeling!

Friday night, it was so wonderful having everyone home, hearing the stories of science camp, and just being together!  I couldn't believe that in less than a week, the adoption would be finalized - wow!!!

A Visit from Grandparents & A Baptism . . . September 9, 2012

Before we knew it, the week had arrived for my Mom and Dad to come out from Florida to see us!  This visit was pretty much happening because Aleeya had asked if they could come out for the finalization, but now we were excited they were coming even if the date of finalization had been moved out a few weeks!  It would allow for us to have more time with them, instead of working on planning for the "big day" and the party to follow.  I felt more relaxed for sure.  Plus, it was a good distraction from the feeling of waiting for one more week to go by . . we all knew this week would fly (sad, but true)!

The Sunday before they arrived, Aleeya and I were the only ones in the van on the way to church (I had dropped the others off earlier since the boys are involved with the band and a discipleship group and Ashley wanted to go to early service).  I mentioned that I had some pretty crazy dreams the night before and told her how I was supposed to cook Thanksgiving dinner for my entire extended family and somehow got busy shopping for food and was like two hours late and everyone was upset with me.  I told her I think it meant that I still had much to do to prepare for my parents coming and was feeling a little behind.  She said she had a dream too.  She said that Nana and Pop Pop had come to visit, but that every time she went to give them a hug, they didn't see her.  I told her that dreams sometimes have reality built into them and tell us something of what we are actually feeling.  (At other times, they seem totally off the wall!)  She had never heard of that, but her dream made a lot of sense.  I told her it sounded like she might be worried that my parents would see everyone else and pour their love on them, but maybe not her since they didn't know her as well.  It sounded like she was wondering if they would really "see" her and love her?  I realized at this point that she really was nervous and wondering what it would be like.  I reassured her that my parents would totally love her and spoil her with lots of love just like they did their other three grandkids.

They arrived on Tuesday, and they did exactly that!  They are very good at spoiling their grandkids, especially since we only see each other about once a year.  They were thrilled to see her, to get to know her better, and to love on all of us.  I loved watching them give her big HUGS and get to know her better!  They walked in and began handing out gifts, giving them some spending money, and hanging out and playing games and talking with the kids!  On Wednesday morning, the girls had chapel at school and Aleeya invited them to come.  I told her they might be too tired since they had to get up really early (like 1am our time) to fly out and be here.  Then they had stayed up with us and talked until about 9pm.  She understood and we went to bed.  I mentioned it to them, and they said, "oh yes, we'll go!"  They were up and at the school for chapel, and I was told by a sweet friend later what a special time it was.  They had both come in to sit by the girls.  At first, it was Dad, Mom, Ashley, and Aleeya.  Then Dad got up and walked all the way around the rows to come back around and sit by Aleeya, making everyone move down one.  He sat beside her with his arm around her so proud!  This made my heart melt.  I loved that my parents where able to accept her as their granddaughter so quickly!

On one of the first couple days here, I remember seeing Aleeya outside on the swing trying to read her twenty minutes a day for school (it was hard to find a quite place to read since the girls had given their room to Nana and Pop Pop and were sleeping out in the office area).  Then I saw Pop Pop head outside to sit down and talk with her.  I knew Aleeya was trying to get her homework done, and kinda wanted to let Dad know, but I'm so glad I didn't!  Dad was out there telling her about how he used to be a horseback policeman because he knew she liked horses!  He was telling her a little bit about himself so she would know her Pop Pop better!  It was really special!

We also one last visit from her social worker.  This was a meeting I was not really wanting at this point.  But it was neat that my parents got to meet her social worker, and she was kind enough to make it a really short visit!  I was just really realizing how done we were with visits, how done we were with having locks on everything, how much we were wanting to stop being concerned about every little decision in case it would be against foster family rules, and how ready we were to be a normal family (or as normal as possible :) )!  I felt bad that I didn't want to see this wonderful social worker, a lady I felt like had become a friend, someone I really respected, but we were finished being a foster family and were ready to move on!  I was told by my social worker that this was completely natural and part of the process!  There is a time you want social worker, and a time for them to stop coming to visit.  It was time!

My Mom and Dad totally blessed us with some yummy meals, some special treats, and a fun visit to Angels Camp with the kids.  Mom shared some special memories from some journals she had and gave each of the kids a journal to write down the special things that God does for them.  It was great to go to church with them on Sunday morning, and it was fun having the girls go with us to the service.  It was so sweet that when Ashley was getting cold during the service, Mom gave her jacket to her for her to wear - she looked so cute!

We had a really special memory to make together on Sunday evening.  Ashley had been asking for months about getting baptized.  She had accepted Jesus when she was younger, and was really ready to  do this!  Aleeya would listen attentively and ask questions, but didn't seem completely ready.  About a week prior to their visit, Ashley mentioned it again, and I asked if she'd like to do it while Nana and Pop Pop were here!  Of course!  I asked Aleeya if she would want to get baptized, and she said she thought she should wait longer since she just recently got saved.  I told her that the only reason we had Ashley wait a little bit was because she got saved so young and we wanted to be sure she understood it fully before she got baptized.  I told her that at her age, I was sure that she understood!  She said she was interested.  So, I sat with the girls and read through the Scriptures that talked about baptism in the Bible.  I showed them about Philip getting baptized right after he understood the Gospel, and then about Jesus being baptized in obedience to His Father.  We talked some more about the meaning of it all, and Aleeya said she did want to get baptized.  So, on Sunday evening, we went to a friend's pool, and in the presence of some really special friends and their Nana and Pop Pop, they were baptized by their Dad (it's pretty cool to have a Dad that's a Pastor)!  It was a very special evening, and we were so glad to have family to celebrate it with!  Their Daddy was so blessed, and we were thankful that all four of our kids had accepted Jesus as their Savior, been baptized, and were desiring to follow Jesus with their lives - so thankful!

Time flies quickly when family is here somehow, and before we knew it, it was time for Nana and Pop Pop to head back to Florida.  We were so glad for the time they had with us, so happy that Aleeya got to meet her grandparents, and thankful for special memories made together!  It had been a great week for sure and we were one week closer to finalization!

Somewhere in the Middle . . . September 6, 2012

While the summer had been kinda rough at times, with our move and the struggles I sensed Aleeya working through on vacation, the weekends since school began proved to show more signs of hardship in her life.  Throughout the week, she would come home from school and do the normal schedule of eating snack, making lunch for the next day, reading, and doing homework.  But on the weekends, I noticed her spending A LOT of time in her room, reading . . writing in her journal . . just being in there.  At first, I figured she was overly tired from all the extra that school added to her life, or that maybe she was just wanting some time to herself and perhaps that was normal at this age.  After all, I haven't had a 12 year old girl yet.  But after awhile, it started to make me feel like something wasn't right.  I started to feel sad . . and a little frustrated.  I checked on her, and she seemed ok, but things just didn't seem right.  I tried to give it some time, a couple of weekends, but then I really began feeling like she was in her room too much.  I felt like I never saw her.  She came out for meals, or if we were going somewhere, but that was about it.  She was nice enough, and wasn't causing any trouble, but it felt like she wasn't really a "part" of our family.  After a few weekends of this, I went in and asked if she was ok.  She said she was fine, and I asked why she was spending so much time in her room?  She didn't really have an answer, and I told her I'd really like one.  I told her that I felt she was spending too much time in her room and asked her how it would feel if I spent all day in my room when she was home.  She said she wouldn't like that.  I told her that maybe she's feeling kinda tired or down, and that it would be good to get outside and be active and that she needed to not be in her room unless she needed to change or read or something for the rest of the weekend.  Sometimes as mom's it seems we need to help our kids to get out of the slumps they may not notice (at least that was my reasoning).  Then she began coming out, and it felt even more awkward.  She didn't seem to know what to do with herself or have any kind of desire to do anything.  I started thinking that it would be better if she were just in her room because of how she made it feel.

Scott and I talked about it that weekend, and as we talked, I began to think that maybe she was really beginning to struggle with this whole adoption thing.  Maybe she wanted to feel loved, safe, and part of a family, but still didn't really get that it was going to finalize and really "happen."  I started to think that she was feeling like she was not being loyal to her birth family by getting adopted.  It kinda seemed like she was becoming less attached to us.  Later, as I talked through things with Aleeya, I asked her if she was having some of these feelings and she said yes.  She was struggling and wondering if her birth family knew about the adoption and if it made them sad.  I told her I felt like she was trying to be somewhere in the middle . . knowing she couldn't go back to her birth family and understanding that wasn't best, yet not wanting to attach to us because that may upset her birth family . . so she was kinda being on her own.  She kinda seemed to agree that this was how she was feeling.  She was definitely drifting.  Whenever we talked about finalization day, Aleeya would seem really happy, but there was so much else going on inside her as well.  I learned that much of what she was feeling and thinking was part of the normal grieving process.  She was loosing her birth family, the family she lived with for 8 years.  There was some denial about her birth family, some feelings of great hope that they would accept Jesus and be better, some wondering about if the finalization would actually go through.  She had a dream that her social worker would come on finalization day and say that it wouldn't work out.  I wasn't sure if this was a fear, something she kinda wanted to happen, or just an uncertainty within her because of how often things had changed in the past with the court system and her life.  We assured her that everything would work out, and even had her social worker confirm on her visit.  Oh yeah, her social worker called to visit yet one last time because the finalization date was pushed back a few weeks.  I so wanted to say "no, we don't need a visit," but knew she should come and I should be kind.  We had just thought it was her last visit a couple of times now, and that was frustrating.

Because of her age and all the questions she had, I decided to take her by the court house so she could see the room where we would go and have an idea of what things were like.  Right as we went toward the front door, some interesting people came out.  I thought, "oh boy, this may not have been such a great idea!"  Then, we had to go through metal detectors as we entered, which was really comforting.  Thankfully, there weren't many people in the halls and it was good for me to remember exactly where we would need to go.  She thought the room looked kinda small for a court room, and later told me she was a little scared about the courthouse.  I told her we would be going early in the morning, and the judges really enjoy these hearings!  I "think" it was a good idea to help prepare her?

It was at this point that I realized that it was a good thing, a God thing, that we had some more time to process before the actual finalization day in court.  God knew better than I once again!  I began praying that God would calm her heart, help her to be honest with her struggles, and see the good that God was providing for her.  I so wanted to see her being at peace, feeling His love, and enjoying the life God was giving her.

I still remember her saying that she wanted to get adopted soon after we met her, and I thought how hard that would be to say as a girl that left her birth family at eight.  I think I would always want to be with my birth family, and I think she's been feeling that more since realizing that it's actually happening.  And while I understand it, it often hurts.  I reminded her that while adoption doesn't always sound that great because kids want to be with the family God originally gave them, God has allowed it because He really cares about children and wants them to be safe and loved!  I told her we loved her so much and would be her forever family.

We would really appreciate your prayers for all of us as we experience this day together soon!  God knows what's going on, and if He can calm the raging storm, He can calm our hearts as well.

Really Hard to Wait . . Again . . August 27, 2012

Well, since we signed adoptive placement papers on July 10, we have been waiting for one paper called a remittitur (at least I think that's what it's called) in order to get our court date scheduled.  We were told we should have it by August 21st or within that week no problem.  So, we waited and waited.

During all of this, we were scheduling a time for my parents to come out for the finalization since Aleeya had asked if they could.  She had only met them a couple of times the year before when they came out to California from Florida, but we thought it was pretty special that she asked for them.  My parents said sure they would love to come, and we began the process of getting them out with some airline miles.  That meant we had to plan a couple of weeks out to avoid fees.  Everyone said that it should be no problem to get a court date within 2-3 weeks of when we got the remittitur, so we tried to play it safe and scheduled them to fly out September 11th (which was pretty brave of them I thought - that date holds so many memories).  Then the paper wasn't coming, but everyone still felt like it shouldn't be a problem.  My parents could only stay about a week because of some missions work they had planned, but we waited to plan their return flight in case they just needed to be here one extra day.  So, basically, a lot was riding on our court date and we were in waiting mode.

On August 27th, our adoption agency moved forward with getting a court date since everything looked good with the paper coming and they went to the court house on August 27th to schedule our finalization day.  I was so excited . . until I got the call.  They were very surprised to find out that all the court dates were taken through the end of September.  There were a couple of dates that last week, but Aleeya would be at science camp.  This meant having to tell Aleeya that we would have to wait yet another two or three weeks longer than expected and having to let her and my parents know that they wouldn't be there for it. And we were just so ready, so planning on it being in September, and it was so hard to hear.  I got the call while I was at work.  Did I mention I went back to work this year?  I started working at the kids school 2 days a week as a "Special Projects Assistant" (basically helping out with extras at the elementary and high school), and I love it!  It's fun being there, working with some great people, seeing the kids, and making a little extra to help our family.  Anyhow, when I got the call it was early in the morning, and I was so wanting to cry and scream all at once, but I was at work and still kinda new there too!  It was like telling a 9 month pregnant woman that was really close to her due date that she just needed to wait a few more weeks past the date - no problem, right!  I couldn't see how this was in God's plan and why we would have to wait any longer!  It seems there were more adoptions finalizing than usual, which was a good thing, right?!

So they worked on getting us a good date in October.  Scott was supposed to be gone the first week of October to an awesome retreat called "the Journey."  So, I figured that was still on and we'd have to wait for the second week of October.  But Scott said he would cancel his trip for this, no problem, and asked that it be scheduled on Thursday, October 4th.  Now, this was a bit shocking to me because this is his birthday!  And if you know him, you know that he loves his birthday (kinda like a little kid that gets excited months before, lets everyone know what he might like to get, and wants the celebration to last as long as possible)!  So, after texting him like 3 or 4 times to be sure he wanted this date and reminding him that we would be celebrating both every year from now on, he came over to see me to say that he really wanted to share this date with her and was excited about it!  So, October 4th it was!  Later, I realized how awesome my husband is, and how cool this was that she would share something so special in our family history (if that makes sense).  I had read in an adoption book that it's great if you can find traits or special things that link your new child to their new family!

It took me awhile to be excited about it.  Aleeya was a little sad that we had to wait, and my parents were too, but both of them were pretty understanding.  Everyone else seemed excited we got a date, and didn't seem to understand that it was much further away than it should have been.  I was the only one still kicking and screaming.  It just didn't seem fair.  But I knew I had to accept it and trust God that He knew best.  So, we scheduled my parents return flights for September 17th and began talking about how neat it was that finalization day would be on daddy's birthday - this would be something really awesome!  I tried to act like it was ok in front of Aleeya, but felt so sad.  Yet it was time to begin planning that special day and a party was in order as well; so for that, I was excited!  It was at least good to know that we had a date and be settled with that information!  Now, to trust God with the end like we had the beginning . . . He who began a good work would complete it . . . in His timing!

Sickness can be Healthy . . August 21, 2012

I was out picking up one of our kids from an event on Saturday night when I got the call that Aleeya wasn't feeling well.  Now, this is a girl that is really healthy and has only dealt with a few allergies or a cold or two since we've had her over a year, so I wasn't sure what this meant.  I headed home within the hour and found her with a decent temperature and chills.  I felt awful being out while she was feeling so yucky!

I have taken care of my other three kids and their many sickness over the years, but this was my first time getting to take care of Aleeya and it was pretty great to do it!  She was funny in some of the things she did - like getting her footed pajamas on and getting under lots of blankets because she had the chills only to have me come in and say to get in a light t-shirt and only have her sheet over her because her temperature would only get hotter with all of that on her!  I was able to touch her sweet face quite a bit feeling for her temperature, and came in throughout the night a couple of times to see if the fever came back after giving her Advil.

We stayed home together the next day (Sunday) and she rested and read most of the day.  She was kinda quiet and sweet, and I just kept checking on her and giving her water to drink.  I could tell that this was a good thing . . . my being able to "mother" her during her sickness.  She still had a fever that night, so we kept her home from school the next day.  But the fever left over night, and she was totally fine on Monday.  So, we spent part of the day doing some errands and just hanging out.

Later, I saw a note in her journal that said that it was really nice to have a Mom to take care of her.  While I can't say that I'm glad she got sick, I realized that this sickness was actually somewhat of a good thing!

Warfare, It's Really Happening . . . August 18, 2012

I'm not at all sure how to explain all of this, but this idea of spiritual warfare has come up multiple times over the past few months.  And what I mean by warfare is the war that is being raged against those that are seeking to follow God, versus the devil and his demons trying to dissuade us from following.  Now, I know and believe that our God is "greater than he that is in the world," and He has all power and knows all that is happening.  Yet, I need to be aware of the war that is taking place around me to try to destroy our faith, our family, and our future.

I've known the Scriptures from a child, and have known that the "devil prows around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour" (I Peter 5:8), but sometimes life can be going along well and you don't really notice the affects of it.  Well, since we have been in motion to adopt, I have known that we are under attack.  I have learned that Satan doesn't like "when we protect and welcome children, because we are announcing something about Jesus and His kingdom."  Satan has always been about the business of killing children (the baby Israelites during Moses' day, killing children under 2 when Jesus was born, and in our current world, abortion), and he very much dislikes "new beginnings and new life."  I have learned that "the Father is fighting for orphans, making them sons and daughters, and we should do the same."  As we have gone forward with adopting, we have faced more struggles, difficulties, and set backs over the past year and a half than we have ever faced before.  As well, we have so many friends that are in the process of adoption, or have adopted, that I have seen go through some really hard times!  As our family began facing tough stuff and I continued to hear of others really struggling, this idea of warfare came up over and over in my mind.  I mentioned it to a couple of friends that are in the same boat of adoption, and they too have felt it.  And then, as I began reading a book entitled "Adopted for Life" by Russell D. Moore, I saw it again.  Some of his book is quoted or summarized in these paragraphs.  I would highly encourage reading it!

So, the reason for this blog is to let you know that God loves the plan of adoption, and that spiritual warfare is taking place as we join in the adoption plan!  When I say God loves adoption, it comes in the context that adoption is part of His story of redemption.  It is written throughout the pages of the Bible.  Galatians 4:4-7 says, "But when the set time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under the law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive adoption to sonship.  Because you are his sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, 'Abba, Father.'  So you are no longer a slave, but God's child; and since you are his child, God has made you also an heir." (The cool thing is that these same words will be used in the court room when we finalize our adoption of Aleeya.  They bring identity, a sense of belonging!  They will let her know that she's our child with a new birth certificate and everything, and that she has every right as an heir.)

You see, I have grown to understand that my God has adopted me, a sinner, once a slave to my birthfather the devil, into His family by way of the cross.  He gets adoption!!!  He invented it!  He has a very mixed family of all backgrounds and colors, and calls us His brothers and sisters because of our adoption.  This is incredible!  If we really got this, we would be so much better prepared to accept our brothers and sisters in Christ because we are all part of His family!  As well, we could accept the family that has so many beautiful colors in their family through adoption.  We would not think it odd to add a child of a different race and background to our family.  I believe I have taken my adoption into God's family for granted, and always acted like I was a natural heir of God.  But Jesus had to go through major pain and suffering on the cross for my sins to allow me a place in His family.

As I have gotten older, I have always believed that there are very strong pictures here on earth of our relationship with God.  When I got married, I realized that it was a picture of God and His bride, the Church.  I realized the impact of the one flesh union, the covenant relationship.  Then when we had children, I was amazed at the picture I saw of God's love for me, His child.  When I looked at this little baby in my arms who had so far only caused me discomfort for 9 months and then crucial pain during labor, and yet, I loved him more than life itself, I began to understand a small part of God's love for me, His child.  You see, He too suffered for me to be part of His family and loved me more than I could imagine!  I began understanding more about the "family of God," as we began interacting as a earthly family and desired to show God to the world through our lives.  As well, I can often see His family at work as I attend church or small groups and feel the love of my fellow Christians around me.

I don't think I have even come close to understanding His amazing plan of adoption until recently and still have much to learn, but I am understanding more and more why satan wants to mess this plan up (along with marriages and families).  He doesn't like it when we began to care for the needy, the oppressed, the orphans.  He doesn't like it when we understand our own orphan status.  He said in John 14:18, "I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."  You see, we are all orphaned by our sin, but God's grace allowed us to be His heirs.  I'm really beginning to get my adoption story.  My spirit longs and groans for the day when He will come back to take us to our forever home!

When we begin to show this adoption story by living it out, we need to be prepared for warfare.  I must say, I was less prepared than I would like to believe, but I am begging God for the strength and power to trust Him, to believe Him, and to have greater faith in Him!  And I'm thankful that I know He is with me each step of the way.  He is truly a faithful Father!

A friend of mine on Facebook posted this video and it gave me that goosebumps, ready to cry, passionate-inside feeling that made me want to share it with the world.  I hope you enjoy it and it helps you understand God's plan of adoption even more.  There are some pieces of a Veggie Tale movie (which we have always been fans of and need to purchase this one really soon), so enjoy those scenes.  But the lyrics are incredible and the song explains so much about our status as orphans!

► 4:45► 4:45

www.youtube.com/watch?v=I5zlRABH9wQ

Happiest Girl Ever . . . August 6, 2012

The week after vacation was a nice and busy time of getting ready for school to begin.  We went through all the stuff we already had and checked it with the lists of stuff the school said we needed for each kid.  The kids look at this as fun, and I do too, at first!  But with three kids making their piles, it gets a little crazy as I try to be sure they are checking stuff off so we know what we still need to buy.  Our oldest, Austin is in high school and doesn't get his list until after the first day of school.  Last year, I did most of this ahead of time for Aleeya and just did my best guessing which things she would like (colors and styles).  This year as she worked through her list, I could see her trying to figure it all out.  I realized this was not a "normal" event for her.  So, we checked through her list to find she wasn't quite sure what a Composition Notebook  and a few other items were.  It was a good time to go over the names of all the items she had so when the teacher asked for those things, she would know just what to get out :).  After we checked off what we had, I took the kids shopping with me for some of the stuff and then just finished the rest myself.  It takes quite a bit of concentration, so I was thankful to have gone late one night to Walmart without the crowds.

We also did haircuts for the kids, and made sure everyone had a nice outfit for the first day of school.  For some of them, it was just a newer shirt.  With Aleeya at the age of 12, she is very in between on sizes.  She's not really in the "girls" section, but not really in the "Juniors" section either.  And the styles out there are just tough!  So . . . we went shopping and looked and looked!  I was just hoping to find one cute shirt for the first day back.  We were very happy when we found ONE while shopping the three floors at "Forever 21!"  This seems to be my dilemma with shopping as well, so I guess it's just a girl thing :)!  At least we had a fun time together shopping!

In the midst of getting ready for school, our social worker came for his last official visit in our home.  It was a short visit and one in which he just checked in on us to be sure we didn't have any more questions.  It felt really good to know that soon we would be a "normal" family that would function without the monthly visits.  We felt blessed to love our social workers and enjoy their visits, but there is something about them coming month after month that reminds us we aren't officially and legally her family.  Yet we so are!  We also had a fun day during the week where all the kids got to have a "Play Day!"  Basically, they all had a friend over or went to a friends and just hung out one afternoon.  This was something we hadn't had much time to do this summer with the move and busy times, and everyone really enjoyed it!

We had back-to-school night on the Thursday before school began the following Monday, and she was able to meet her new teachers for 6th grade, see who was in her homeroom, and the most anticipated part . . . get her very own locker!  We went up with her to see where her locker was and make sure she knew how to do a combination lock.  The first few tries were a little rough, but luckily the girl beside her was struggling too!  The boys were great in showing her how it's done (since they have been there and done that), and I just kept showing her and then having her try again.  We made sure she got it open 3 times straight before we knew she was good to go!  Then I hung out with her and a new friend and her mom for awhile on the playground.  I was thankful that this year she could make someone that was new to the school feel welcome (like so many had for her the year before), and begin what seemed to be a special friendship.  These girls were busy laughing and having a great time together!

Throughout the week, Aleeya had mentioned how excited she was to go back to school.  I just kept looking at her strangely when I'd hear her say it!  This is my girl that loves to sleep in and is not at all a morning person.  This is my girl that was often working long hours on homework last year.  This was my girl that was so nervous about starting at Big Valley in 5th grade and asked tons of questions!  Well, this year was different!!!  She was so excited to go back and see her friends; she was happy and alert that first early morning; she couldn't wait!  Turns out, our girl is quite social and REALLY enjoys seeing her friends!

We got up pretty early the first day so we could take our annual "1st day of school picture" at the school.  We like all the kids to be together for it, which means we have to be there by 7:40am since the boys start at 8am a ways away from where we take our picture at the elementary school campus.  So, we were up early, went to our favorite doughnut shop to get breakfast, and took our fun first day pics, which includes one with Daddy behind them making a funny face as well as one with all good smiles!  Aleeya was full of energy and excitement and even enjoyed meeting another new girl that morning.  I later realized that this was her first time going back to the same school since she moved from Saipan when she was 7.  This was a big deal in her life to be at the same school, to be secure, and she was so happy!

This was the start to a new year indeed and I was so happy for her as well!  I wasn't sure if I was ready to begin it all again, but I prayed that I would be.  I prayed for each of them to do their best with their studies, that God would help them to follow Him and His ways, and that He would help them to form some great friendships.  I couldn't believe I had a 10th grader, one starting Jr. High (7th grade), a 6th grader, and a 4th grader!  But that's exactly what God had me doing, and I knew I would need to lean on Him and ask for lots of wisdom to make this year great!

Our Second Vacation Together . . . July 29, 2012

This year, we left town together . . with Aleeya . . as a family to head to our annual vacation!  Each year for the past six years, we have been completely blessed to house sit for a family in Half Moon Bay for two weeks while they fly off to Hawaii.  It was especially great to head back to the same place this year, since this was our first official memory as a family of 6 last year!

Since we had just moved only a few weeks prior, it was great to be able to get away and relax some, yet hard to leave our new place a little because we were still getting used to it.  Either way, we needed a break from the normal "stuff of life," and I definitely felt a need for rest as I had been working extra hard to get things in order.  I knew that once we returned from vacation, we only had a week until school would begin.  

We did our normal stuff - we made a vacation mix for the ipods of our favorite songs from the year, packed our summer and winter clothes since it's often really cold in HMB, loaded up our beach stuff and luggage, and prayed together from our respective vehicles before pulling out.  These were things that were new for Aleeya, but after that, everything would be something we had already done once before :).  I was so glad to be at this point!  We needed to have memories, and make more memories!  This was a really good thing.

While we were glad this year would be different, I think it affected her differently than we imagined.  Last year, the entire two weeks were centered on her . . trying to get to know her, caring for her every need, etc., but this year she was part of our family.  She had been looking forward to vacation and talking about it all year.  But this year, she brought luggage in like everyone else.  I could see her struggling with it some, and I kinda realized that this was a hard thing for a 12 year old.  Her memories of last year were great for many reasons!  As well, she was still working through some of the "stuff" of realizing that things were finalizing and wondering about her birth family.  

Don't get me wrong, we were having a great time at the beach doing our normal "vacation stuff," but there was a tension and quietness that made me sad.  After about a week, I felt like I needed to take her out for a lunch together, just the two of us (Scott and I both took 2 of our kids out to lunch at separate times to just be with them by ourselves).  I had mentioned that I wanted to talk to her before we left for vacation, and she had been waiting more than I realized for this time.  I knew we needed to talk through the things I read in her files on adoptive placement day.  I wanted to see how much of it she knew, wondered about, saw differently, and what she needed clarity on.  It seemed like this was the best time to talk since we were more relaxed and the beach offered extra peace and time to talk.  With the view of the ocean in site, we spent about 2 hours talking through things, and she had many tears flowing freely from her eyes.  I told her about reading through her files and shared as many details as possible to be sure she understood her past.  She asked a lot of questions and I answered the best I could.  At the end of our time together, I told her she had a choice . . a choice of how she wanted to view all of this.  I told her she could see it as a hard thing that happened to her (because it was a hard thing) and dwell on that, or she could view it as God protecting her and having a plan for her life, one that involved knowing Him.  I also told her how sad it is when we see her "go somewhere" and not really be "with us."  It was happening a lot on vacation.  I told her that I was there for her when she had questions arise or needed to talk, but that I was hoping and praying that she would be able to enjoy her present!  I really believe that God and her birth family would want her to enjoy the gift of today!  I asked if she had ever been able to work through her past, and she said no one had really gone over it all and helped her.  I told her we are committed to helping her deal with it all in a healthy way.  I also asked her if vacation this year was hard because she wasn't the center of attention.  She agreed that it was, and I told her that I love her very much but that each of the kids in our family are special and all deserve attention.  There are times that I feel like she needs and deserves so much more from me, and asked her to let me know if she's needing more time with me and I will try to make it happen.  Something about getting that out seemed to help a little.  This is the tough stuff of having four kids . . . and one of them that has only been with you a year and is twelve!

She continued to struggle throughout the next couple of days, and asked a few more questions, but each day became a little bit better and I could see some of the weight lifting.  Austin was with us for the first week of vacation, but left to go to Hume Lake during the second week.  This changed the dynamics of our family a bit and we missed him.  She was thrilled to get to go to a Giants game with Scott and Alec while we were close by to San Francisco, and since they are her favorite team, she had a blast!  She had never been to a professional game, so it was a special treat provided to us by our friends that lived there and happen to have season tickets!  It allowed Ashley and I to have some special time together as well, and she told me how much she liked just the two of us being together . . a lot!  I realized Ashley's been missing our special times for awhile, and this was really good!

As well, we got to celebrate "Gotcha Day" as it's called on July 24th!  This date marked the one year anniversary of the day she joined our family!  We decided to go to Santa Cruz and enjoy the beach and the boardwalk since it's one of her favorite spots!  But before we left the house, we gave her a special gift!  I had been trying to figure out what to do to make the day special, and I found these really neat "Individuality Beads" that you could put on a bracelet.  I had prayed for God to show me exactly what to get and thought about something like this because I wanted to be able to add to the gift each year, and there it was right as I walked into the first store I tried, Kohl's!!  And, it was on a major sale which was even better - I love sales!!!  Anyhow, we got her a black tweed bracelet and two charms to put on it.  One was a heart that said "Family" and the other was a bead that said "Faith."  When we presented it to her, I told her that this past year she had received two things that would never leave her, a forever family and her faith in God.  I could tell she really liked it!  We were excited because we could also add to it at her finalization!  She wore it happily that day, although we had to take it off at the beach :).

We returned from vacation with thankful hearts, new memories, and more understanding.  We were excited to be beginning our second year together and were so looking forward to finalization!   It was now time to unpack and get settled back in before school would begin!  

Adoptive Placement Day . . . July 10, 2012

It was finally happening . . . the day we would go into Family Connections Christian Adoptions (our agency) and sign Adoptive Placement forms.  I remembered seeing these forms for other families when I worked at FCCA, and I would put them in their files.  I knew it was a good thing and families usually finalized soon after.  Other than that, this was something we hadn't heard much about and no one really gave us any hints about what to expect of this day.  All I knew was that we were to meet our social worker and Aleeya's social worker and sign some paperwork that would put us in the legal status as adoptive parents, rather than foster parents, of our girl!  While everyone in the room knew that this was the plan all along, the state would now formally recognize us in this role!

During the weeks prior, we had been talking with Aleeya about all of this and trying to help her know that we understood that this was exciting for her, but also hard as she realized that her birth mom was no longer trying or able to try to get her back.  We thought she already knew that there was no way this could happen, but when the appeals were denied, I guess the finality of it all really hit her.  We tried to re-assure her that her birth mom did still love her, but that the state had decided that she needed another home.  We talked about some of the details as best as we knew and as best as she could remember and tried to work through it some more.  I could tell she was hurting inside, and I didn't know how long she would need to work through it all.  We were still going through many days of not feeling like she was really "with us."  Her mind seemed to be somewhere else and I so longed for her to come back.

This was a rather unique week that we were able to go and sign the Adoptive Placement papers as she was attending "Kids Campus" at our church (a form of Vacation Bible School).  This event was even more special because a year prior, we had her for a weekend visit and she had come with us to the end of the last day of "Kids Campus."  I remember that day well!  This was her first year attending, and she was a little bit nervous at first.  But she really enjoyed it, and it was fun to realize that we were starting to get to the point where she had been a part of our family for a year and was starting to do things "again" with us.  It felt really great!

On Tuesday, July 10th, we met and for about an hour went over the paperwork, signed things, and talked with our wonderful social workers.  They were so good at explaining everything.  For some reason, Aleeya's social worker had said the meeting would go about three hours, but our agency felt like an hour was more than enough time.  We weren't sure what to expect.  After most of the papers were signed, Aleeya's social worker told us that she was going to allow us to look through all of Aleeya's files for the next two hours and write down whatever we'd like.  She was already giving us a notebook filled with information for us to take home, but this would give more details into her life.  We later learned from our social worker that he had never seen this happen before.  We were not allowed to copy anything or take anything, but we could read and write details down.

Now, I have to tell you that there were about 5 very large files full of information.  I had previously heard that many families don't feel the need to know about their child's past.  I wondered if that was how I should handle this.  But I felt a huge need to know and understand her past . . . for her.  She had questions that needed answers.  I needed to be able to work through the details when they surfaced and re-surfaced in her mind.  And with what we were seeing going on in her mind recently, I knew that this time was a gift from God.  As I began reading through (and I tend to be thorough), I begged God to help me read what I needed and skip what I didn't.  By the end of the two hours, I had gone through each of the files and written down some important details.  I wanted to know her birth family's birthdays.  I wanted to see any and all health records from her birth mom and dad.  I especially wanted to understand the day she was taken from her birth family and placed in foster care.  It was important for me to read the things her birth mom did to get her back and the desire she had for her.  These were things Aleeya needed to know!  There were many things we were able to learn, and there was also much that wasn't in the files.  But I was thankful for that time God allowed for us.   And I knew that there was much that we would need to share with Aleeya to help her really understand her past.  I wondered if she had ever really been able to work through it entirely or if she had kept things hidden somewhere with just bits and pieces of information that she tried to figure out.  One of the most interesting things for us as we read was that the day Aleeya was taken from her birth family was on our wedding anniversary, December 18, 2008.  I wondered where we were and what we did that night.  I wondered if the thought had come to my mind that night that we would someday adopt.  Some would say coincidence, but it was a special nugget to us!

I also left burdened.  While we had been told much of the information at the disclosure meeting about a year prior (before ever meeting Aleeya), there was something about reading everything again that made it more real this time . . I guess because now I know her, know her well.  I think I tend to go into denial about issues when they are too hard for me to understand, and perhaps Aleeya does that some too.  But reading it, and knowing that no one wants to remove a child from their home, and just seeing it in print and following the story, my heart was sad.  Sad for Aleeya, sad for her birth sister, sad for her birth mom, sad for her birth family . . . And yet I saw that God had protected Aleeya, loved her dearly, and has a great plan for her life . . . one that includes Him in her life!

And so, this Adoptive Placement Day was very special for so many reasons.  We were able to decide if we would want to know if her birth mom had any other babies . . in case they would need a home . . and I was kinda happily amazed that we both said we would want to know.  We were able to understand so much more of her story to hopefully help her piece things together in the future.  We were able to understand our girl a little bit better to hopefully be better parents.  And we finally had a legal document with her new name on it, Aleeya Joy Butler!!!

A Big Week . . . June 29, 2012

So much has happened since Aleeya's birthday party . . . and life is exciting, crazy, and a bit of a whirlwind.  And in it all, we have seen God's hand with us.

On June 18th, we had one of our monthly social workers' visits, and out of the blue, Aleeya's social worker mentioned that one of the appeals had been denied and the other was due to be denied any day.  She actually went on my computer to check as she thought it would be denied that day.  We had no idea this was happening and were shocked and in awe!  We truly thought it might take another 6 months or so from what everyone was telling us, but our God is bigger than that!  We had been praying for so long, and God was answering!  The next day, June 19th, we got a call from our social worker letting us know that life was about to get easier.  He confirmed that all the appeals had been denied and we could move into "Adoptive Placement."  This is when you know it's about to finalize and she's yours for sure!  Up to this point, we were in "Placement," but it's not quite the same.  We were now considered adoptive parents by the state.  While we knew everything would eventually work out because our adoption agency only works with the children that are freed to be adopted, there's just something about knowing . . for us and for Aleeya!  When we told her, she looked very happy!  She got to tell her brothers and sister herself, and it was really fun!  We celebrated that night!

During this particular week, we had some other stuff going on as well.  We were moving . . . did I mention that?  Two days after we found out the appeals were denied, it was moving day.  It was something that happened rather quick, and we were moving to another home at the other end of our neighborhood, but still we were moving.  While it's a lot on any family to move, and all of our kids went through some of the normal emotions about missing our current home and all the memories, it was really hard on Aleeya.  Because of how quickly our house sold, I didn't really have time to process how this would affect her until it was actually happening.  And then, I was just so busy with the move that I had a hard time working with it all.  For Aleeya, no matter how nice the new house was, no matter how great it was that her and Ashley would not have to have bunk beds and could finally put both of their beds on the ground, no matter how great of a family memory we could make in the process, a move just did not settle well.  She had moved every year for the past 3 years.  She had moved quite a bit in Saipan as well.  And summer was the time when for the past 3 years, she would normally move to a new family and a new school, so all of this just made her feel very concerned, sad, and contemplative.  At first, I couldn't figure out what the problem was and we were kinda frustrated, and then it hit us.  This was REALLY hard on her.  I remember re-assuring her that everything would move with us, that we were moving together as a family, that it would be fun, but she just didn't buy into it.  We all lived through it, but it was a rough time.

I later realized that there was a lot going on in her heart, not just about the move but about life.  While she was excited to get adopted and move forward, there was a sadness that things were becoming final.  For her, that meant that she wouldn't see her birth family again, that they wouldn't re-unite, that her birth mom had stopped trying to get her back, and all of this brought questions and hurt.  I don't think any of us expected all of these feelings to come rushing in, but I remember the day it finally occurred to me that some of this could be an issue, and I felt so sad.  Scott and I had been frustrated with her lack of enthusiasm and ability to want to help during the move; we were needing her to be "with us," and she seemed so far off.  As we kept trying to figure it out, I finally thought through what might be going on inside her head and heart.  When we talked, she said that she was feeling all of these things, and I had to ask forgiveness for not being very understanding.

The following week, we tried to get her together with some friends and that seemed to really help.  I think it made life a little more normal in the midst of it all.  I worked like crazy trying to get the house to feel like "home."  The girls room became one of my first rooms to conquer as I so wanted them to feel at ease.  But even Ashley would end up in tears at times because she couldn't find something.  I think all of us girls aren't crazy about change.  Austin and Alec were struggling some too because they weren't doing the normal "fun summer stuff" like their friends.  As much as I tried to get everyone to do some fun things, it just didn't seem to be enough.  We were all so tired and I think we could have really used a "normal summer," one without a lot of adjusting like last summer (when we added our sweet girl to our family).  It was hard on this Mama for sure!  While trying to get everything settled, I could feel the kids emotions and had some of those emotions within myself, but I had to trust in God.  The strange thing is how much I felt at home here.  It was different, yes, and I couldn't always find things in the kitchen, but I felt comfortable and at home.  In the end, I knew God would help us if we relied on Him for strength.

As we talked through things with Aleeya, things seemed to get a little better, but she still didn't seem to be "with us," at least not fully.  We talked some about her past, about some hurts, about forgiveness, and about attachment issues.  I told her we so wanted to love her completely and sometimes didn't know how.  I told her about the song "All of Me," and how we were wanting to give her all of us, even if it wasn't enough.  That seemed to really speak to her.  We talked about her love language some as well, and she was great about being able to tell me what made her feel loved, so we would begin working at that as we so desperately wanted her to feel loved and knew that she needed it.  All in all, we would just have to be patient and wait for her to work through things.  Sometimes it's hard to wait, but God seemed to be teaching us that a lot lately.

During this time, God brought an amazing song to me called "Steady My Heart" by Kari Jobe:

Wish it could be easy
Why is life so messy
Why is pain a part of us
There are days I feel like
Nothing ever goes right
Sometimes it just hurts so much

But You're here
You're real
I know I can trust You

Even when it hurts
Even when it's hard
Even when it all just falls apart
I will run to You
Cause I know that You are
Lover of my soul
Healer of my scars
You steady my heart
You steady my heart

I'm not gonna worry
I know that You got me
Right inside the palm of your hand
Each and every moment
What's good and what gets broken
Happens just he way that You plan

And I will run to You
You're my refuge in Your arms
And I will sing to You
Cause of everything You are

You steady my heart
You steady my heart

Our Girl is 12! . . . June 10, 2012

Well, it's officially summer at our home and that is a great thing!  It means a break from the school schedule, no homework that has to be done tomorrow, and more time for our kids to "be kids" together!
I am so thankful for all of that!  I am seeing all four of my kids really bond and am realizing that this is a special time.  Last year when she joined our family, we only had a couple of weeks of vacation together, a week to get ready for school, and life began for Aleeya in the Butler household with school in full swing.  It was a whirlwind.  But, as summer begins, I see the kids playing games together and laughing, or Aleeya and Ashley going outside in their bathing suits to enjoy the sprinkler and play nerf softball, and I realize how amazing this time is . . how desperately it's needed!

The last three months have been full to say the least.  School work had really gotten tough, and we were struggling last time I blogged.  I wasn't sure what to do or how to help.  I considered home schooling her for awhile to see where the problem was and try to get her back on track, but was concerned about how that would affect her daily routine and friendships.  We prayed about it for awhile.  Then a friend of mine mentioned that it may be a good idea to let her know that if she continues to struggle that we may need to get some tutoring for her this summer to help her (which was a very real need at that point), and that may end up happening while the rest of the family was swimming and doing other fun things.  So, since I really believed she had given up a little and wasn't trying, I figured it was worth a try.  We talked.  She agreed with me that she wasn't really trying and understood that if we didn't see improvements, her summer may not be as fun as we both wanted it to be.  IT WAS AMAZING!  That week we saw immediate improvement and she continued to do better for the final two months of school!  She ended up getting on the honor roll because of a couple of major projects at the end, and we were so proud of her!  She was pretty proud of herself too!  Those last few weeks of school, she asked me if I thought she would need to get tutoring this summer.  I was amazed that it had stuck with her, and told her that she was doing so well and I saw no need.  While all the kids will do some small review of things they need to work on this summer, it would be fun stuff on the iPad or fun workbooks with lots of swimming and summer fun mixed in!  Really thankful for a good ending in that area.

I have realized quite a few things over the last six months or so and find myself understanding our "new life" with a new child more and more.

We've worked on some issues with her and Ashley, and they are becoming great friends and sisters with better expectations of each other.

I'm realizing some areas where she has struggled in the past, and trying to learn to understand it and help her more.

I feel less guilty when I'm not a perfect mom, and try to do my best realizing that God will take it and make it beautiful somehow.

I ask for His help more and more!  As I updated my prayer journal, I had a better list of what to pray specifically for her life because now I know her so much better!

She's doing tons better with the issue of lying, and I've been so proud of her for coming back and telling me the truth after she's messed up!  She has really asked God to help her with that, and He is!

I've learned that I am a little overprotective of her and really watch her relationships and how they affect her.  I'm much like a mom of a first-born or a mom of a newborn, and so want the best for her!

One of the biggest things I've learned is that we tend to go through times of being close and then times of disconnect and that is ok.  I just have to push through it.  It hit me that she may struggle to fully attach to me at times, and that's ok.

I've noticed that sometimes she's really quiet and that's ok - it's actually something Austin had hoped before adopting another girl :)!  We've got a girl that loves to talk, and they fit well together!

I realized that it's summer, and she's moved quite a few times in the summer so this is a really good time to remind her we are keeping her forever!

Last week I asked her how it's been for her living with us for almost a year now?  She said it's been really good and a lot different.  I asked what she meant.  She said this has been her best year because she knows Jesus, and it's helped so much.  I was like "wow, can't get a better answer than that!"  I told her it's also different because now she's with a family that will be her forever family . . she smiled and agreed.

It continues to be great seeing how she relates to all of us.  She loves when Dad is home, and he loves her so amazingly!  He's her protector and has lots of fun making her smile!  She sees me differently.  She tells me lots of things, loves to shop with me, knows I will tell her the truth about real life, and knows that while I will have to get on her at times, I love her like crazy!

Today, she turned 12 and we got to celebrate!  Last week we had her party with two of her girlfriends.  They swam, played with water balloons, decorated strawberries with chocolate and ate them (of course), played a fun family game of softball with a nerf ball and bat, watched a movie, had a sleep over, did their nails, and played some UNO Attack and volleyball.  It was the first time she's had a sleep over, and she loved it!  The girls were so much fun!  I realized it was my first "older girl" party, and they are super fun!  Today was her official birthday, so she got to pick what to eat so we went out for lunch and had her favorite "chicken fried rice" for dinner.  We went to Justice to spend a gift card she had received, and she loved it (definitely a happy shopper)!  Then some friends came over to her surprise, and we walked to Cold Stone for a birthday treat!  She was really thankful and I could tell she felt loved!  I can't believe how quickly she is growing up!

We are getting close to that point where she's been with us a whole year and I can't wait!  She will have memories with us from last year and know more of what to expect!  We are really praying for her finalization to take place soon!  It's getting harder to wait, and we are so hoping for the phone call that lets us know the last appeal is denied and we're moving forward!  Please pray with us for this - it will mean so much for her, so much to us!  She will officially be Aleeya Joy Butler, and I really believe it will bring her great security and peace.  This is our prayer!

One last note . . Ashley picked out a really perfect birthday card for Aleeya and the girls on the branch of the tree actually look like the two of them.  The words were so special, so I posted it on the side.  May want to take a look :).  The words are kinda small, but they read:

"Every girl
should be
lucky enough
to have a friend
she loves like a sister,

but I got even luckier . . .

I have a sister
I love like a friend."