4th of July Parade . . . July 4, 2011

We woke up early and headed about an hour and a half away to the parade.  We needed to be there by 9am to see Janice in the parade route.  We found a parking spot in the very busy streets, and headed with our chairs to find the foster family and sit with them.  On our way, we were so excited because we saw Janice waiting on the float.  The parade hadn't started yet, and they were in a long line of floats.  She was wearing the shirt we bought her, and we matched!  I remember her saying it would be cool if we showed up at the parade in the same shirts (that was the point, but she was just understanding it over the weekend)!  She jumped down to see us and introduced us to her foster family's oldest son who is in college and his girlfriend.  They were staying on the float with her and seemed very sweet.  Then we headed down the street to find the foster family.  A really wonderful family that they didn't even know had offered for them to join them under their pop-up tent and were so kind to all of us throughout the parade!  They played with Ashley and the foster kids quite a bit and were so friendly!  God had blessed us with a great spot as it was a pretty hot day!

As the parade began, I knew I wanted to talk to the foster mom about upcoming plans and times to see Janice.  One of the big things I wanted to explain was what Janice's social worker had told me before she left on vacation about placement, as well as how the rest of our summer looked.  She too was wanting to talk about plans and told me what they had planned for Janice.  While she was open to most things I said and even offered us some good times to see Janice, she didn't really seem to hear all that I was saying about the week we thought would be best for placement, the week her social worker and I had talked about.  She had signed Janice up for an awesome camp that week and said that she needed to go.  We had quite a few interruptions due to floats coming by, her having the other two young foster kids with her, and me having my kids as well.  I finally decided that this wasn't a great time to talk and felt a little frustrated, just wanting to be fully heard.  

We finally got to see Janice as she came by in the parade.  They had some adorable ponies in front of her float with painted hooves (red and blue) and decorations all over them.  We took lots of pictures as she passed and waved.  Our whole family was out as close as we could be and wanted to show her how much we supported her!  

Her foster mom also shared some more information about Janice and her experiences with her.  These were mainly things we already knew, but from her perspective.  That too made for a tough day, but I was ok with it for the most part.  I could tell she really cared for Janice and wanted the best for her, and that made me glad.  We had prayed for that to be the case before we ever knew Janice.  Meanwhile, Scott really enjoyed his time with the foster dad, and the two young foster kids were precious.  At the end of the parade, they gave us a map as to where to see her at the end of the parade.  So, we headed back to the van and went to see her!  We wanted to say goodbye and get a picture of all of us in our shirts to have as a memory.  Well, it was very confusing at the end of the parade, and we couldn't find her anywhere!  We did see a few people from her group, and they tried to point us in the right direction, but no luck.  We were all a little tired at this point from carrying the chairs and cooler, to walking all over looking for her, but the kids really wanted to see her too!

We called her foster family, but didn't get an answer.  We headed back to the van feeling very sad and hoping to still see her.  Then we got a phone call, and it was Janice!  This was a big deal since she doesn't like talking on the phone and wanted to mainly email.  She said she was sorry we didn't see each other and that they were already home.  Her voice sounded so sweet.  She mentioned that we could come over, but I wasn't sure if that was a good idea as I knew they had family coming over.  I asked about possibly taking her to lunch, but that didn't work out.  We hung up and I felt so sad.  I needed the closure of saying goodbye and seeing her one more time.

Then we decided that since she said we could come over, we could at least drop by her home to take a picture and say goodbye.  We tried to call back, but didn't get an answer so we just headed there on faith hoping it would be ok.  We felt a little awkward walking up to the house, but the foster dad let us in and we explained we just wanted to say goodbye.  Janice looked very surprised to see us.  We talked to her about the parade a little bit and then got a picture together and said our goodbyes.  

We decided to go to P.F. Chang's since we were so close and try to enjoy lunch together.  Again, we were trying to have fun during the process.  I felt like I was going to burst into tears at any moment.  The emotions of the day were running high for me, and I knew it would be a few days before we saw her again.  While we had only had her two days, she was beginning to feel like she was part of our family!  We had grown to love her so quickly, and it felt empty without her!

We got to the restaurant, and Austin could tell Scott and I weren't doing so well.  He asked if we were tired, and we said we were just missing her.  I headed to the bathroom hoping to let some of the tears come out, but they didn't.  We sat down, and right across from us was a girl that reminded us of Janice with her mom and dad who were of a different race.  We wondered if she had been adopted.  I was literally staring right at her because of where I was sitting.  Then our waitress came up, she somehow mentioned Thai food and how she loves it.  (That's Janice's favorite food as well.)  I teared up then and thought I couldn't handle much more.  We finished lunch and headed back home.  We stopped along the way to break up the trip and did a little shopping.  It was hard to be anywhere, and I kept wanting to feel fine, but it just wasn't happening.  

That night we decided to spend some time with some close friends and let the kids swim.  I felt bad because I was not very great company, but my feelings of exhaustion, sadness and frustration were very strong and I needed to work through it.  This was how the process works to make the transition happen slowly, but leaving her after having her was very difficult!  I was feeling like a new step-parent might feel, watching her go back and forth between homes, knowing both of us had differing ideas of how things should go, and it was hard!  I knew God would help us through, but I was drained for sure.  I felt so thankful for friends that loved me in spite of it all, listened, and cared.  I was thankful our kids were having fun with some friends swimming and doing fireworks!  My husband was so supportive and loving and that helped me so much!  We left and headed home because my parents had just flown into San Francisco from Florida, and we were excited to see them.  It was going to be a busy couple of weeks, and I couldn't really think past the moment.  I knew I would need God's strength each day, as I felt so depleted.  We headed to bed hoping to feel better the next day.