What's in a Name . . . July 27, 2011

This is one of those blogs we have been nervous to put out there.  There is a lot of controversy on this subject, and we know many of you will have opinions as well.  But as a family, we have worked through this and wanted to share how it all worked out for us . . .

As almost all parents know, it takes quite awhile to decide on a name for their new child (often it takes about 9 months to choose).  With adoption, this process is much different.  For those that adopt newborn babies, there is usually not an issue with them naming their new baby.  For others that adopt a 2-3 year old, they will often change the toddler's name to a name they have had in their minds for quite awhile, and this usually works out without too much confusion.  For us, adopting an 11 year old girl, we pretty much figured that she would keep the name she was given at birth.

Somehow, this whole subject has caused great debate among adoptive families, counselors, and people in general.  Many think that a foster child's name is the last thing the child has of their own and with all the moves, changes in family structure, and loss of items, this is something that should remain the same.  Some think that if a boy was named after his father, and his father creates bad memories for him, that his name should be changed.  For many families that have adopted, they have dreamed of having a child and feel that they should have the right to name their child just as every other parent has done.  And then in the Bible, we find that God often changed a person's name when He wanted to do a great work through their life (i.e. Abraham, Sarah, Paul).  For our family, we weren't sure how it would all work out.

You see, we have three biological children that are all named with an "A" name:  Austin, Alec, and Ashley.  We wondered if our new girl would feel like she wasn't a part of the family if she had a name that began with another letter.  We so wanted her to feel like family!  Of course, we wanted her to keep her name if she liked it, and we would love her no matter what!  But we knew that this can be one of the small perks of getting adopted (being able to change her name) and wanted to offer it to her if she was interested.  At times, we felt like we shouldn't bring it up at all because we didn't want her to feel pressured or like that was what we wanted.  And then we felt like we had to bring it up just in case, and knew we would need to do it soon after she arrived in our home as everyone would begin meeting her.  If we waited too long, it would be too weird for other people to switch and call her by a new name.  What if, years later, we found out she wanted to have an "A" name like our other kids, but we never asked?

We wondered how it would all work out!  Scott and I talked about it, and I said I would take her to lunch and spend some time with her one day during her first week with us so we could talk about it without any outside pressures (like our other kids saying what they thought).

Long ago, when I knew we were supposed to have one more child and would be watching for one more to come down the stairs, I had a name in mind.  That name was "Annabelle Grace."  Annabelle was my grandma's name, but I thought we would call her Annie or Anna.  When we met Janice, I knew that this name didn't fit her at all.  You know, the way you look at your newborn baby and just "know."  I also knew that I would be completely fine with keeping her name Janice if that's what she wanted!  I was actually surprised that I was alright with it since I like to plan and love order, but I really was good with it either way (something I knew God had done in my heart)!

So . . . on the Sunday we picked her up as our own, we were walking around the shopping area where we had lunch.  I was actually right outside of P.F. Chang's with just the two of us, and she asked me this question:  "Did you mean to name all of your kids with an 'A' name?"  I couldn't believe it!  I wondered if she would even notice?  I told her "yes" we did, but wasn't at all ready to talk to her about it that day.  There were so many emotions and changes happening, and one more big decision was way too much to think about at that point!

On Monday, I thought it would be a good idea to take her out to lunch and see how she was doing.  I wasn't sure if it was time to talk to her about the name idea or not, but I wanted to see if she had any questions and just let her know she could ask me anything.  It would give both of us a chance to talk openly together about whatever.  I offered to take her to a couple of nice restaurants or her favorite fast food restaurant, Burger King.  Of course, she picked Burger King and seemed really excited that just the two of us were going.  On our way there, I told her that I would try to take her out, just the two of us, every week or two for awhile, so that we would have some special time together.  There's so much to becoming part of a family and I didn't want her to feel anymore overwhelmed than she had to.  I so felt for her having to learn all the new stuff our family did as "normal," after being in a few other homes the past few years.

We talked about various things at lunch.  I asked if she had any questions, and she mainly talked about going to her new school.  She was concerned about what it would be like and who would be in her class.  We talked about the dress code and the classes and the teachers.  Somehow, the name thing didn't come up, so we left and went to go pick up Scott.  He was going to pick up our van from the shop, but it ended up not being ready (it was the radiator that was leaking the green fluid the day we picked Janice up, and it needed replaced).

While we were in the car waiting, it seemed like it just had to be said.  I told her that one of the perks of getting adopted was that if she wanted to, she could change her name.  I told her that her last name would definitely get changed to Butler when the adoption finalized, but that she could also change her first and middle name if she wanted to.  I told her I would be happy if she wanted to keep her name as Janice, but wanted to let her know that she could change it if she liked as well.  She immediately responded with "I want to change my name to an 'A' name!"  She asked what names we had thought of already.  I told her about the Annabelle thing and how I didn't think she looked like an "Annabelle."  Then we told her some of our top picks.  At first, she seemed to like one of them, but we told her it would be good to think about it for a day or two before deciding since this was a big decision.  As well, we told her we could look on the computer for other ideas if she liked.

That evening, we discussed quite a few names.  We had a pretty big list including:  Abby, Aleeya, Alexa, Alexis, Alison, Alivia, Ally, Alyssa, Amanda, Angela, Annie, Anya, Ava, and the list went on.  We tried not to think of how our friends had girls with some of these same names and just let her pick what she liked!  We knew quite a few other Austin's and Ashley's and figured it would be ok if she shared her name with others as well. She really leaned toward Ally and Alexa at first, and then Angela.  I struggled with Alexa as she thought her nickname could be Alex and that would be so close to Alec.  I thought that would be too much to introduce our kids as Austin, Alec, Alex, and Ashley.  And then when I tried to call for one of them, I knew I would really get messed up!  We wrote them all down on paper so she could see them spelled out, wrote down the meanings of some of her favorites, and I reminded her that this name would stay with her forever.  We decided to sleep on it and talk some more the next day.  We didn't want to make the decision for her, yet we wanted to help her with it.  As the kids went to bed, Scott and I talked and didn't really feel a peace about a particular name that night, but prayed that we would the next day.

There were times when this decision seemed a little painful for Scott and I, and even the kids.  We wanted to be sure she really wanted to do this.  We began feeling fine with Janice again.  But she pressed on and kept talking it through off and on.  She was sure she wanted to switch and never considered any names that weren't "A" names.

On Tuesday, we headed on a two hour trip to Monterey for the boys to play golf together (a long awaited golf trip from last summer when they were supposed to play at Poppy Hills, but Scott's back went out right before vacation and it didn't work out).  Because the van was still getting worked on, we had to take two vehicles.  The girls went with me, so we had lots of time to talk.  On our way down, pretty much as soon as we got in the car, she said that her current favorite was Angela.  It wasn't one of our first picks, but we weren't against it either.  I told her people may call her Angie, and asked if she was ok with that.  She didn't seem to like that.  I told her my favorite was still Aleeya, mainly because her middle name was Lee and I thought it would be good to keep part of her original name in her new name.  She said she liked it, but didn't think Aleeya Lee would sound good together.  I told her we could change her middle name too - I think she didn't fully realize that.  She asked me what I was thinking for middle names and I told her "Joy" or "Grace."  I told her I liked "Joy" because she has brought me great joy!  And "Grace" because Janice means "God is gracious."  She liked "Joy" and said "yes, I like 'Aleeya Joy'!"  She said she was sure of it!  I told her that we could talk more at lunch and be sure everyone was good with it, and she said that was fine.  I wanted to be sure this was a family decision, as well as her own decision - the whole thing was a little tougher than I thought!

That day at Bubba Gump's in Monterey, we talked it over and everyone was happy with the name decision.  We asked her one more time if this was what she really wanted and reassured her that it was fine if she wanted to keep her name as "Janice," but she said this was the name she wanted.  So, we asked if she was ready for us to start calling her "Aleeya" and she said yes.  We began at lunch and continued throughout the day.  After lunch, Scott chimed in with "Aleeya, Joy to the World" and that brought a big smile to her face!  We all laughed, and laughter seemed good to help us through this new time of transition.

At times, we would still forget and call her "Janice."  We had been praying and thinking about a "Janice" for a month and a half now, so it would take time for all of us to get used to calling her by her new name.  I would say the first day was still really hard for all of us to see her as anything but "Janice," but after a couple of days, it began to feel more natural to call her "Aleeya."  I still really loved that "Lee" was a part of her name, and she really looked like an "Aleeya" to me.  She was gracious to us when we forgot and began answering to "Aleeya" immediately.  I was amazed by her ability to transition so easily and her desire to be a part of the Butler bunch!  Now, the other part of this would be trying to help everyone else know that her name is "Aleeya" as well.  This should be interesting!!!