While Monday was a tough day, the rest of the week didn't seem to get much easier. I realized that we were emotionally worn, we were bonding with this sweet girl and wanted to be with her and have her in our home. It was consuming our thoughts and days, but we wanted to be "ok." As well, we were exhausted! We had been traveling back and forth on a 3 hour drive about 6 times in the past couple of weeks, and trying to maintain a "normal" schedule at home. And we weren't sleeping as well as we normally do. There was a frustration level because we wanted to discuss the future with Janice's social worker, but were unable to because she was out of the country. And it was difficult talking with her foster mom at times. While I wanted to be thankful for her because I knew she cared for Janice and the transition, and I really wanted to keep things peaceful, at times I just felt like I did not know enough and wasn't capable of making good decisions and that she was not willing to work with us. I think people wanted us to just act like it was no big deal, but it was to us. Intertwined in all of this was our faith, our faith in a GREAT GOD that knows what is best for us and will take us thru! We knew He was right there with us, but felt like we needed carried as we were too weak to continue.
On Wednesday night, I had a long discussion with the foster mom and tried to be sure she really heard me out on the reasons I felt like Janice should be placed with us during the week she was supposed to be at camp. There were some great reasons - mainly to have her settled in our home for a week before our two week vacation and school starting the following week - and she even agreed on that at times. But, she really wasn't ready to say that Janice could miss camp. And with her social worker not here, there was not much I could do. I felt helpless and frustrated and yet knew that it was in God's hands. At that point, I really knew that I had to leave it there. And I so didn't want Janice to feel in the middle of any of this. If it would keep relationships going well, then her going to camp would have to be the thing to do. Yet we continued to pray that God's will would be done, even if that wasn't the plan we had at the time. I think another hard part was knowing we would be without her for a week or more if she did go to camp and we had been visiting her every 3-4 days, which is really encouraged to keep the bond going once you have met your child.
The part I think I struggled with the most was not wanting to feel lousy when my faith in God was so big! I did trust Him and I did know He had a plan in all of this, but I still felt so sad and worn down. I think others wanted me to just let it go. I had a hard time with people just trying to fix my problem and felt guilty for not being "happy." I felt like I could imagine what it must be like to have a child taken from you, or to loose a child, or to just be helpless. Our social workers encouraged us that this was actually a good thing. It showed that we were committed to our girl and were ready for her to be with us. That was pretty encouraging! And the strange part was that while we longed for her to be with us, there was still a small sense of nervousness. We were trying so hard to have her come and be with her forever family, yet wondering what all the changes would be like for all of us.
I felt really thankful for other adoptive families and some close friends that just really "got it." They hurt for us, prayed for us, and understood. I realized that we probably just needed to go through this with our God and know the He understood us. We were thankful for each bit of encouragement, yet our hearts were still heavy and hurting.
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