Disclosure Meeting . . . June 16, 2011

It was a Thursday, and we woke up and did our normal getting ready routine.  I so longed for God to be clear today, and thought that He may having something special for me from His Word.  The reading I had for the day ended up being one of those . . and he begot this kid and that kid and that kid.  I thought, wow this is kinda dry for a day like today.  But as I began to pray and just be still in His presence, I heard Him say "I am with you."  That was all.  My Emanuel was with me.  It was a great comfort and one I took with me all day long.

We left the house around 10am so we could have some time to go to enjoy walking around in one of our favorite areas and enjoy lunch at P.F. Chang's (Daniel Fast style) on the way.  Some friends of ours that had adopted encouraged us to make it fun along the way, so we were trying to follow suit.  We did enjoy that time together, and had a great sense of peace, yet I still found that my hands felt clammy and I was so wanting to get to the meeting.  I knew this was an important piece to help us know if we should move forward.  I didn't know how much information we would receive and thought that maybe we had heard most of it already.

Earlier that week, I had met with a wonderful friend who had adopted, and who had also been a social worker for 10 & 11 year old girls.  She had given me some great advice on what questions to ask while we were at the meeting.  She had such amazing insights!  While I had some questions of my own, like what was her full name and how long has she lived in California (simple stuff), she had encouraged me to check on her relationships with peers and know about each foster home and what the dynamics were in each (father, mother, other kids, etc).  I had typed out many questions with room to write down the answers and felt pretty ready.

The meeting began at 1pm.  We met our social worker in the atrium and soon Janice's social worker came out to meet us.  We went back into a office, and it was just the four of us.  She opened a file and began to summarize all that she knew about Janice's life.  She told us that she was born in Saipan and had lived there 8 years before moving to California in February of 2008.  She had learned English as well as another language while in Saipan.  We found out when and why she was put in the foster care system, how many homes she had lived in, how many schools she had gone to, and any and all behaviors that were of concern while in the foster homes.  We learned about her mom and dad, her younger sister, and older half sister, and her grandma.  We learned that she no longer had contact with her parents and that they were no longer being offered services by the state, which meant that she was in a place where they were looking for an adoptive home for her.

About an hour into it, I realized I needed to use the bathroom, but even more I just needed a break.  There was so much information that was new to me, and some of it was very confusing and hard, but I needed to hear it and write it all down.  So much of it was hard to know how to take since I had never met the foster families and didn't always understand the full situation.  When we came back into the office, I began asking the questions I had typed out, many of which had already been answered.  We wondered what her spiritual background was?  Had she been to church with her foster families?  What types of clothes, music, and toys did she like?  Did she want to have siblings and would she enjoy sharing a room with a sister?

One of the fun things we learned was that her middle name was Lee, which is my mom's middle name.  From what they knew, she had not been involved with church.  She did want siblings, and loved dogs!  There were many positives, as well as many negatives.  We finally finished the meeting around 3pm and talked with our social worker for a short time.  He could tell we were overwhelmed and encouraged us to pray about all that we heard.  He said this was very different since she was an older child, and there was much to consider.  If we felt we had the tools to take her in and God was leading, then our next step would be to meet her.  I remember thinking that I wanted to meet her, but was so afraid of hurting her if the meeting didn't feel right.  That was the last thing I wanted to do!  I remember asking if she would get a say in all of this since she was older?

We said goodbye to our social worker, and held hands as walked to the truck quietly.  We got in the truck and Scott began to talk about meeting her.  He seemed very calm and fine with all we had heard.  He said that verses kept coming to his mind throughout the meeting, and I was glad for him.  On the other hand, I felt very unsure and scared and wasn't getting verses.  I wasn't handling all of the new information so well.  There were some things that concerned me greatly and put me in major "mother hen" mode as I became overprotective while thinking of our family and how this would affect us.  I grew up with a nice, easy Christian home and didn't know if I was ready for all of this.  Scott had grown up going to private schools away from home and was better able to understand the things we heard.  I was thrilled Scott was calm and happy that he wanted to keep moving (in my heart, that's what I wanted too)!!  I just wasn't quite there yet!  I remember wondering if this was a "normal" disclosure and was I just overreacting?  Then I wondered how awful it would be if someone had a meeting like this about me or our kids and told us everything we have ever done that caused concern.  Did I expect her to be perfect just because I thought her eyes and smile spoke of an amazing sweetness?  Did I think that all that she had been through wouldn't affect her?  Was I living in a dream world where everything was perfect?  What was I expecting from this meeting?  It was a much rougher day than I imagined, and I came home filled with questions and doubts.

We called and checked on the kids on the way home, and they had a great day together.  I told them the meeting had gone well and we would continue to pray.  We got home and had dinner together.  We told them some of the information about her growing up in Saipan and moving here.  The kids had a few questions for us to ask as well, so we answered those.  Ashley wanted to know if she would want to share a room, does she like playing with stuffed animals, and what other activities does she like?  Alec wanted to know if she would like having brothers?  They seemed happy with the answers.  That evening I went for a bike ride by myself, just needed to get out and breathe and go over things in my head.  As I was riding, God reminded me once again that He was with me.  We had a nice family night and prayed together before bed.

This had been a huge day for us!  It felt a lot like a first sonogram to me.  The one where they check for all the major organs to be functioning, but where you can't really see the baby all that well.  That evening, I remember feeling very alone.  We wanted to keep her information private, so it wasn't like I wanted to talk to anyone, but I wanted someone to call that would say it would all be ok.

As I went to bed that night, my mind was racing and I had a very hard time sleeping.  My mind went over and over the information!  I finally fell asleep, but awoke at 4am with many fears and questions.  I remember feeling more anxious than I ever had and trying to calm myself down.  I was up most of the time until the alarm rang at 6am, which is very abnormal of me!  I tend to not be a worrier and I tend to sleep really well.  I awoke wondering if this meant we weren't supposed to move forward, but that thought felt awful!

Thankfully, we had planned to attend a "Come Away" retreat about a month ago for that Friday!  Scott and I had never attended one together, other than on our BVGCC staff retreat, and this one just seemed to work for us to go.  I remember being so thankful that God had orchestrated this day for us and knew I needed to be alone with Him more than anything!  So, off we went.  I didn't like leaving the kids home alone again, but it felt right to be going and I knew God had this planned especially for us!